I think I'm afraid of life...

[blakeodell]

Not sure if this is the right forum, so I apologize in advance.

Here's the deal. Right now, I'm unemployed. I was let go from my last employer for a medical condition, it's nothing too serious, just something that limited the work that I could do there. Anyway, I'm collecting unemployment and also just got the tax refund (WOOT!) and so I have been looking for things to do, places to travel.

Originally I was going to go to Toronto, but backed out. Originally I told myself that I backed out because the weather was horrible up there (which it was) and because my mother was freaking out (she doesn't want any of her babies doing anything that could harm them), but now that I'm thinking about it, those aren't the reasons at all.

I found a cheap flight to London, and was going to take a trip over there. However, I managed to talk myself out of that one. The worst part is, this time the weather was decent and my mother supported it because I have extended family in London who I could call in case of emergency, but I balked at the idea anyway.

Well, finally I decided that I was going to take a trip. Two of my siblings decided to go, so we are flying to somewhere in California next month. Tickets are bought, reservations are made, and certain plans are set in stone. The problem? I don't want to go now. I'm afraid, and I don't know why. Afraid of new things, but at the same time, I am so sick of my shallow little town, and know that I can't stay here, either.

I'm also not out yet, so that makes things harder, because going with family and friends I have to watch how I act around other people. One of the siblings that is going is EXTREMELY religious, and has actually said in the past that if any of her siblings were gay she would have to beat them up. Plus, if I still do go somewhere alone, what if I meet a gay guy and something happens and we want to be together? What if I meet a gay guy and something happens and we don't. Hell, I am interested in females, too, what if I meet the girl of my dreams? What if she has a boyfriend...ugh, too many feelings.

I don't know what to do. Part of me doesn't want to leave, cause of the comfort zone thing (even for a week!), however, the other part of me wants to go explore and experience life. I'm just really confused...

 

[rareboy]

I'm afraid, and I don't know why. Afraid of new things, but at the same time, I am so sick of my shallow little town, and know that I can't stay here, either.

Anxiety is an unfunny thing and not easy to just wish away.

First. You're 23. Time for Mum to not be in charge of doing your thinking for you. While she may like the idea of being needed and having a perpetual kitten to take care of, it is time for you to morph into a responsible self-sufficient adult. I get the sense that you have the luxury of living at home and having someone else pick up the tab for everything.

It is no wonder you're afraid to leave the nest. Jeez. If you were my kid, I'd change the locks or move while you were away.

You're likely afraid of new things because you've spent a lifetime of letting everyone else define you and determine which experiences you could have and which ones weren't good for you.

Time to rebel.

I started travelling on my own through Europe when I was 18. Since then, I've travelled to many places. I love the idea of discovering things about places, people, food and culture. Of course it is different. That is the beauty. People are people the world over. They want to get to know you.

You need to conciously put yourself in the position of being out of your comfort zone and trust yourself to manage. That is what is currently missing in your life; the confidence in yourself.

But if you don't start getting out there, you are increasingly going to shut yourself in and eventually become agoraphobic or at least xenophobic.

I would suggest that you might want to review your stress and anxiety problems with your Doc as well. He might be able to provide you with something gentle that would de-stress you when travelling for the first time.

And next time. Leave the family at home and try something on your own.

 

[KaraBulut]

All of this analysis-paralysis...

Are you always the type to over-analyze things and create anxiety for yourself?

Or is this just a phase?

 

[blakeodell]

Don't cross the bridge until you get there! Don't let all the "what ifs" keep you from exploring your world away from home.

First of all, how close are you to your siblings? How often do you travel or do things with them? How close are you at home? If you're close enough to trust them and enjoy the moment with them, I don't see any reason why you should be afraid of taking this trip with them. You did mention that you like girls as well--if that's the case, you shouldn't be afraid because you're technically telling us that you're bisexual. Who knows, maybe this trip would allow you to see the world in another light; you might be able to do a little soul searching on the side as well.

Second of all, you need to start asking yourself as to what it is you truly want in life. It is normal to feel confused, but you must learn to follow your dreams in the end. Are you truly sick and tired of your small little world or are you just temporarily feeling the need to see another side of this world that you feel like exploring?

Lastly, don't be like me! Have the guts to come out as early as you can. Set your self free from all the things that are preventing you from exploring the world freely. Know who you truly are, and follow your instinct. Sometimes, we all have to come out of our comfort zone to know how free we could be in life.

Good luck, and have a safe trip!

I am pretty close with my siblings, but I have never done any traveling before and don't really hang out with them too much simply because of work schedules. I am very close at home, too, possibly too close. I'm pretty sure it's just first time jitters, and that I will be fine after I board the plane.

As for what I want in life, I honestly don't know. I'd like to have some kind of job where I can travel, just because the thought of travel really, really excites me. Of course, like you said, maybe I am not sick of the town as much as I just need to get away. Either way, I know I need to do something drastic so that I can get out of this rut.

Anxiety is an unfunny thing and not easy to just wish away.

First. You're 23. Time for Mum to not be in charge of doing your thinking for you. While she may like the idea of being needed and having a perpetual kitten to take care of, it is time for you to morph into a responsible self-sufficient adult. I get the sense that you have the luxury of living at home and having someone else pick up the tab for everything.

It is no wonder you're afraid to leave the nest. Jeez. If you were my kid, I'd change the locks or move while you were away.

You're likely afraid of new things because you've spent a lifetime of letting everyone else define you and determine which experiences you could have and which ones weren't good for you.

Time to rebel.

I started travelling on my own through Europe when I was 18. Since then, I've travelled to many places. I love the idea of discovering things about places, people, food and culture. Of course it is different. That is the beauty. People are people the world over. They want to get to know you.

You need to consciously put yourself in the position of being out of your comfort zone and trust yourself to manage. That is what is currently missing in your life; the confidence in yourself.

But if you don't start getting out there, you are increasingly going to shut yourself in and eventually become agoraphobic or at least xenophobic.

I would suggest that you might want to review your stress and anxiety problems with your Doc as well. He might be able to provide you with something gentle that would de-stress you when travelling for the first time.

And next time. Leave the family at home and try something on your own.

For the most part, you're right. I do still live at home, and I have spent my lifetime only doing what my mother wanted. I definitely need to change that. I do want to mention that I am not getting a free ride, as I pay rent and have loaned my parents tons of money for their money problems, to the point that they feel they owe me money.

I figured that I will take this trip with family first, see how that goes (airports and hostels and such), and then from there do some other traveling and get out there and see the world. It won't seem like as big of a deal to me then, because I'll have experienced it already.

All of this analysis-paralysis...

Are you always the type to over-analyze things and create anxiety for yourself?

Or is this just a phase?

I always over-analyze everything, don't know why, it's just something I've done. Before I do anything, I try and figure out all the possible outcomes, and THEN try and figure out which is most likely to happen. I think that is my biggest problem.

 

[rareboy]

I do want to mention that I am not getting a free ride, as I pay rent and have loaned my parents tons of money for their money problems, to the point that they feel they owe me money.

Thanks, I understand better now. I think I see why your parents may be less than eager to see you independent.

If you're helping at home with family finances, you're more than able to handle anything that travel throws at you.

A few really simple tips that make the difference for us.

1. You can never be lost. You know which city you're in so your destination at the very worst is only a taxi cab ride away. If you can't speak the language, always carry the card with a central destination or hotel address on it. You'll always get back safely.

2. Ahead of time, get the maps and the guide books and set yourself an itenerary of sorts. We are scary organized to the point of making up our own book of schedules and essential info, but this degree of anal is not required. In your case though, you could be putting your disposition to over-analyzing to good use by planning. Just don't try to be 100% in control all the time or feel at a loss because you aren't in control.

3. Always remember that transportation is just a system. Just relax a bit and take a look around. You won't see many skeletons of travellers who weren't able to figure it out. Somehow, there is always a way to get where you want.

4. Don't think you have to know everything about travel before you travel. Ask questions. Ask for directions and suggestions for sightseeing and restaurants etc.

5. Put all the things you're going to pack and all the money you're going to take on the bed. Now, get rid of half the things you are going to pack and take twice the money.

6. Travelling with family and close friends can be a real trial, no matter how well you get along or how much you love them. It requires more advance planning. You all will get tired. And out of sorts with things and each other. Be the one to never complain and to try and keep everyone's spirits light. Even if you are silently wishing to strangle them.

I will say that when I was young and poor, I loved to travel and wish I'd gone everywhere then. We still love to travel, but age and having adequate funds have reduced a lot of the real rush I used to get from the experience, so do as much of it as you can while you're still poor.

And enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

 

[KaraBulut]

Originally Posted by KaraBulut
All of this analysis-paralysis...

Are you always the type to over-analyze things and create anxiety for yourself?
Or is this just a phase?

I always over-analyze everything, don't know why, it's just something I've done. Before I do anything, I try and figure out all the possible outcomes, and THEN try and figure out which is most likely to happen. I think that is my biggest problem.

Don't know why?

As long as you are analyzing you're not doing anything. You remove the risk from the situation by being paralyzed by your over-analysis.

You're young, you should be out enjoying new experiences and taking in all that life has to offer.

Analysis should be foreplay for action.

 

[KaraBulut]

where's the real rareboy and what have you done with him!?!? TELL ME NOW!

excellent EXCELLENT post very nice.

I'd say that his posts are always excellent (no sarcasm)... once the initial pain goes away.

 

[Mali27]

I was so similar to you last year. I wanted to go to California, but didn't want to cause of similar reasons. Then I just thought what the heck- life is too short and I don't want to live as a spectator. I booked a flight and left the next day. I really recommend California. I want to live there eventually now.
Just check how many of your fears are rational and how many are irrational. I think you will find most of them irrational(because they may or may not happen so you can prevent them). Going to California was one of the best things I did last year.. What part are you going?

 

[blakeodell]

I was so similar to you last year. I wanted to go to California, but didn't want to cause of similar reasons. Then I just thought what the heck- life is too short and I don't want to live as a spectator. I booked a flight and left the next day. I really recommend California. I want to live there eventually now.
Just check how many of your fears are rational and how many are irrational. I think you will find most of them irrational(because they may or may not happen so you can prevent them). Going to California was one of the best things I did last year.. What part are you going?

Going to Santa Monica. Should be a good time, we'll see how things turn out. I notice I really only worry about things when I'm laying in bed and have time to think about them.

 

[KennyD]

No Matter what, since you are UNEMPLOYED ; you need to find another job .
What do you plan to do when the $$$ runs out ?
Also; you are too old to still be living at home .. you need your independence as well as PRIVACY so you can get a Personal Life ...
Take the ticket back and find you an apartment 'n MOVE ... even if you get a roommate ; it is better than living under mom and dad's roof ..