I Think I'm Fooled

[VanHiscers]

I have an American boyfriend who has to work in China, and I'm studying in the U.S. I've been to college for two years in China, but I started over, so as a sophomore, I'm older than my daily classmates, and for my friends on campus who are as old as me, they're all busy with their senior projects.

Therefore, I need a buddy to go to bars and movies with me, so I put an ad on Craigslist in the friends only section, looking for a straight or gay buddy, and I got a reply from a latino guy called D. He said he's a married straight guy and also looking for a guy buddy. We exchanged text messages on Friday night, setting up to meet last night.

Here's what happened last night: we went to a gay bar first in Hayward, CA, it's gay, but it's probably the safest and best bar in Hayward, cos the other places can be really ghetto. Surprisingly, the bartender kinda knew D, but D told me he didn't know this place when exchanging texts. Latter on, he didn't really like the drinks there, so we went to another nicer bar in Castro Valley. We had a lot of fun at the non-gay bar in CV.

He said, he's never been to a university dormitory, so he wanted to see my place, I agreed, so we drove back to Hayward, then up the hills to my school. We finally arrived at my place, and things started to get weird and a little bit out of control as my bedroom mate was not there.

At first, we just talked--we talked about his marriage, he said he got married on July 7, 2007, which is wicked because July 7 is my birthday, then he said he hadn't had sex with his wife for a very long time because they live with their in-laws and she was always afraid of being heard. We watched some videos on YouTube, at some point, he put his hand on my lap, kinda close to my crotch, and of course that would give me a boner. He asked if he was making me nervous, i said yeah, because he was too close to me on my bed, and then he got closer and whispered: "Is this close?--I'm just f*cking with you, lol."

He said he wanted to go, but he wanted to hug me, so we hugged for a very long time, and we ended up lying on my bed cuddling. He looked at me, and he got closer and closer and we made out, and then he started to kiss my neck... I got a boner of course, and he moved my hand onto his crotch, he was hard too, so at last we ended up jerking off together while making out, and we jerked each other for a while...

I couldn't say I didn't enjoy it, because I did, but I do feel guilty (my best Chinese friend here just said I was a slut), and call me naive, I actually told my boyfriend about our plan before all this, for I did believe D was straight. Right now, i seriously doubt it. My boyfriend didn't know we jerked off together, and I lied to him that nothing happened besides going to the bars, and he was still upset about the fact I actually really went out with D.

I haven't received anything from D since last night, not an e-mail or text, so I feel fooled and used, but if D really wanted to find a guy to get off, he could have looked for an easy one in the hook-up section without the need to lie about anything (D did say that he didn't want to fuck), or he can just tell me he's gay because I'm not only looking for straight guys, but anyway, if D really stops contacting me, then he is an asshole.

I told my friends I cherish my boyfriend a lot, and I messed up!

 

[rareboy]

What a mess.

I can only hope that your boyfriend finds out that you have cheated and lied.

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm not sure what the question is. You seem less concerned with the fact that you cheated on your boyfriend, and more concerned with the fact that D may have lied about being straight. Did he? Probably. But you seemed to enjoy getting the "straight" guy off, in which case, I don't see what the harm is. If you want to get back together with D, contact him and ask for a return engagement. In fact, I'd play it up - tell him how you've never gotten to play with a straight dick before, and it was a major turn-on.

If you'd rather find another gay guy to go have fun with, go back to craiglist and start again. Or head to the gay student union and see if you can meet somebody there.

Lex

 

[VanHiscers]

You guys think I don't deserve my boyfriend, I've gotten nothing to say, as a matter of fact I'm not even sure if I can do this long-distance relationship, I'm 22, I thought I could, but K, my boyfriend, said I would just want to resume my former life. I thought school would keep me occupied, then I wouldn't want to go out and have fun. I tend to be stubborn before I try, now that I tried, it turns out that I'm probably wrong.

I'm a slut, I'm a liar, but even if I have to break up with him, this incident should not be the reason, not after his brother and sister-in-law were murdered back in the U.S. We're far apart, there are better reason to do this so he won't be so heartbroken.

Anyway, there's no good reasons for me to have lied to my boyfriend, but please don't talk to me like you've never lied to anyone, after all, no one is a saint.

 

[G-Lexington]

We judge you because you posted in the CO&R section, ostensibly looking for advice. If you only wanted "tell me what I did was cool" responses, you should've said so, and presumably posted in the "Hot Stories" section.

I never said, or even suggested, that you don't "deserve" your boyfriend. I simply said that it appears not to bother you all that much. First off, you put an ad out in craigslist, which although in the "friends" section, is the main haunt for guys looking to get some action. Secondly, you took him to a couple gay bars. Thirdly, you took him back to your room. Fourthly, even if you didn't initiate the sex, you certainly let him move you in that direction. I'm reminded of a kid who got caught going swimming after his parents told him not to. He said "I didn't mean to!" but then they asked why he had worn his swimsuit under his clothes. To which he said, "I only did that in case I got tempted." If you were really interested in remaining celibate while your boyfriend was away, you would've not met up with some guy on craigslist, you wouldn't've taken him to gay bars, you wouldn't've brought him back to your room, and you wouldn't've let him hit on you. But you did, you did, you did, and you did. I don't think anyone here is going to open their eyes in surprise at your post, thinking "Wow - how did THAT happen!?" You may not have thought "I hope I get laid" when you placed the ad, but I have a feeling you weren't upset at that specific turn of events.

On top of that, your post seems far more interested in "was this guy straight?" and "he hasn't contacted me again" than in "what do I do about my boyfriend?" You apparently were already resigned to the fact that you were going to cheat on him, because hey, none of us are perfect, right?

So I go back to my very first sentence. I don't know what you're asking here. Do you want a "hot story, bro"? Consider that said. Are you looking for absolution? Do you want somebody to say "Hey, nobody should be expected to remain celibate in college for that long"? I'd perhaps agree with that, except 1. I was, and 2. I'm not the one who promised his boyfriend that I would.

Do you want to know if you should tell your boyfriend? I guess that all depends. What do you want to happen? Do you want to keep hooking up until he gets back? In that case, the right thing to do would be to tell him. Because then, he won't feel he has to "save himself" for you, either, and he can decide whether or not he wants to relationship to continue at all. Of course, if you don't tell him, you don't have to deal with any of that. And if you want to use the "his family members got killed and I can't hurt him like that" excuse - for that's what it is - you're more than welcome to.

Lex

 

[rareboy]

^ As usual, Lex is being much more kind and patient while he holds a looking glass up so that you might catch a glimmer of a reflection of yourself in it.

I also was totally baffled trying to make out what you are expecting by way of comments.

Yeah, most straight guys looking for buddies on CL are likely closet cases.

Yeah, somehow the murder of some peripheral characters in the play of your life likely justify your behaviour in your own mind.

No. I didn't find the story all that hot. I've blown a number of closet cases in my younger days and if he used the line that he'd never seen a dorm before.....pretty lame.

Yeah I'm sure his wedding and your birthday being on the same day likely meant you were fated to jerk one another off that night.

But i'm going to suggest you break up with the long distance bf while you and he still have a shred of dignity left and then you can hit the bars, the baths and wherever in search of the next perfect guy.

Just stop trying to rationalize everything to justify being on shaky moral ground.

 

[TX-Beau]

You guys think I don't deserve my boyfriend, I've gotten nothing to say, as a matter of fact I'm not even sure if I can do this long-distance relationship, I'm 22, I thought I could, but K, my boyfriend, said I would just want to resume my former life. I thought school would keep me occupied, then I wouldn't want to go out and have fun. I tend to be stubborn before I try, now that I tried, it turns out that I'm probably wrong.

I'm a slut, I'm a liar, but even if I have to break up with him, this incident should not be the reason, not after his brother and sister-in-law were murdered back in the U.S. We're far apart, there are better reason to do this so he won't be so heartbroken.

Well, what you’re saying is kind of discordant isn’t it. You say you cherish your boyfriend, but you’ve told us this long, involved tale about another guy you hooked up with on craigslist, and want advice on whether he lied to you.

Let’s deal with the hookup first. What does it matter if this guy calls you again or if he’s straight or not? Are you looking for a repeat? It’s obvious HE was looking for more than just a buddy thing, you went along with that. You didn’t tell him that you just wanted to be friends, you didn’t tell him you were committed to someone else, and you cheated. SO, the stranger guy got what he wanted, what makes you think that he wants more? If he does contact you again, odds are he’s looking for the same thing he got last time – or probably more.

This man is a complete stranger, why do you care if he calls back, why do you care if he's who he says he is, are you planning on trying to date him? Because it’s painfully obvious that he wanted to get off, and he did, and that’s pretty much it.

This brings us to the boyfriend. You are in here angsting about whether this complete stranger lied to YOU. But you seem to have no remorse for your own deceit. If you have reservations about your relationship, if you want out, if you know you’re going to be violating the trust of someone you claim to cherish – why on earth haven’t you ended it? It’ll hurt far worse when you get caught being unfaithful, and he has to deal with your broken promises, than it will hurt if you let him go before you do more damage.

This incident may not be the reason, but you didn’t even put up a fight, so this incident is definitely a symptom. You aren’t in a committed relationship with your boyfriend – only he doesn’t know that, and you’re making excuses why you can’t tell him.

You can continue down the road you’re on, and it’ll end badly anyway, or you can be a stand up guy and let your boyfriend cut his losses.

Anyway, there's no good reasons for me to have lied to my boyfriend, but please don't talk to me like you've never lied to anyone, after all, no one is a saint.

I pulled this out separate for emphasis. No matter what anyone else has done, you are responsible for your own damn self. Other people doing something wrong does not in any little bitty tiny way mitigate your mistakes.

 

[VanHiscers]

^ As usual, Lex is being much more kind and patient while he holds a looking glass up so that you might catch a glimmer of a reflection of yourself in it.

I also was totally baffled trying to make out what you are expecting by way of comments.

Yeah, most straight guys looking for buddies on CL are likely closet cases.

Yeah, somehow the murder of some peripheral characters in the play of your life likely justify your behaviour in your own mind.

No. I didn't find the story all that hot. I've blown a number of closet cases in my younger days and if he used the line that he'd never seen a dorm before.....pretty lame.

Yeah I'm sure his wedding and your birthday being on the same day likely meant you were fated to jerk one another off that night.

But i'm going to suggest you break up with the long distance bf while you and he still have a shred of dignity left and then you can hit the bars, the baths and wherever in search of the next perfect guy.

Just stop trying to rationalize everything to justify being on shaky moral ground.

That was more helpful.

I don't really have a question to ask when posting this here, but I do want to talk about it, being judged so I'll know what I really want.

When I was with D last night, a lot of things are going through my mind, and there're still a lot of things there.

I always told K that he's too pessimist about things. He quoted Nelly Furtado's song and said that I was like a bird, my love for him is real, but I would always want to fly away.

Do I want to settle down or do I want to fly away? I don't know anymore.

Before, I met K, I felt lonely from time to time, all I can do to is school, but when I won the scholarship as a foreign Freshmen in my department, I had significant other to share it with, it was somehow miserable.

I met K in China at the end of January, but he went back to the U.S. for the family emergency, and when he went back to China, he was much more fragile. He hated the U.S. more, and he didn't want me to come back here--he just found me, and he didn't want to lose me after his brother.

There was no way for me to live there, China is just my big closet, I couldn't be myself there, so I told K we were gonna be just fine, I did think so, and we could figure things out.

What happened last night made me doubt what I used to believe, even if I did refuse D following my heart, my body had reacted anyway, what I'm think now is even if nothing really happened last night, is that something is going to happen sooner or later?

In that case, I shouldn't be hold on to K, but what if I want to settle down one day, and I could never find a guy as loving and devoting as K anymore? When he fell in love, he just won't consider for himself anymore, but I do, actually I already choose to come back here rather than stay with him in China.

 

[TX-Beau]

Here's what I think, you like the idea of being in this committed loving relationship, but you aren't anywhere near ready to commit to anyone yet.

And that's fine, you're young, there are a lot of young guys who are like this.

But where you run into trouble is that you're taking someone else along for the ride. I'd say it's pretty clear you want out, but you also want to have your security blanket in case you never find something better.

That's not fair to you, and it's definitely not fair to him.

 

[Seasoned]

Maybe you're not ready for any relationship, but you deserve better than this D character.