I think I'm slowly losing my friend to someone else

[FloridaMarlon]

Hey guys, I hope you can give me some helpful advice regarding my situation.

So, I've known my buddy for a couple of years. We're both 21. I'm bi, and he claims to be straight but I know he's at least bi, based on the stories he's told me about past sexual experiences. Everyday, we hang out. For awhile he was my only friend because I moved here and didn't know too many people. Through him, I've been able to meet a lot of people that I probably never would have. He doesn't have a car, so when he needs to go anywhere he'll call me. Whenever I'm not at work or in classes, we're always together. Especially on weekends.

Lately, it seems that we are becoming distant from each other. He doesn't call me to come over and hang out anymore. They only time I hear from him is when I reach out to him first. If I don't take the initiative to text or call, I would probably never hear from him. Sometimes I'll send a text that I'm gonna go over to his place some we can hang out, and I'll never get a response.

So there's a neighbor of his, who he's known for a year now, but has seemed to get really close to lately. He's 46 and old enough to be his dad. They have become smoking buddies, but they seem to always be together now. And to add to it, this neighbor just got a car, so now, they're always going someplace together. The other day, I found out they went out and were even near my place, but he didn't call to say he was in my area or stop by my place just to say 'what's up'.

Yesterday, I told him I was coming over after class. When I got to his building, I see him pulling off in the car with that guy. When I tried to call him, he pressed ignore on his phone and only spoke to me by text. Also, whenever I'm around him, he's always talking about this guy and gets so happy when he comes around. When I come around now, he's not as excited to see me like he used to be. When we hang out he always calls the other guy to hang with us. Even his mom asked him why he is hanging out with a 46 year old man.

I have no problem with the other guy, we get along fine. The only thing is that I feel he's taking away my best friend. My friend even goes to work with this guy to help him out in his warehouse. I hope I wasn't wrong for asking him if they are doing anything sexually, but I asked him and he just laughs and says "no". (He has a history of messing around with older guys).

Overall, maybe I'm just over reacting a little about this. But I just feel depressed because the only person here that I'm really close with has seemed to have found a new best friend. He used to get jealous if I seemed to be hanging out with someone else more than him and if someone called my phone he always wanted to know who was calling. Maybe I brought this on myself.

 

[josher]

Are you certain he's had sexual relationships with older men? If so, even if nothing has happened between them yet, I'd guess that's what he's hoping for.

You really only have three choices:

Talk to him about how you feel being the one putting all the effort into the friendship, and try to find out why he's ignoring you.

Stop contacting him, and see whether he tries to get in touch with you. If he doesn't, you'll just need to let him go.

Continue being available and let things go on the way they have been.

 

[rareboy]

You're jealous.

When you're 12, it is okay to be jealous because your bff finds a new bff and then you get a new bff.

When you're an adult, you need to learn that you should have a wider circle of friends so that as the strength of friendships ebbs and flows it doesn't leave you feeling green-eyed.

At the moment he's having a bromance with the other guy.
Be happy for him. Make it clear that you are also moving along with new friends and interests and just leave it that maybe the three of you can get together sometime...

And now get out there and get some more friends.

 

[Lewis1]

wow I have been victim to the friend stealing whores myself

like the poster said ^^^ its best to pull away and act play it cool

confronting will push him further and distancing should make him miss you (if he does) then he will seek you out again

its like a regular relationship sometimes u need to meet new ppul lol

 

[Lewis1]

You're jealous.

When you're 12, it is okay to be jealous because your bff finds a new bff and then you get a new bff.

When you're an adult, you need to learn that you should have a wider circle of friends so that as the strength of friendships ebbs and flows it doesn't leave you feeling green-eyed.

At the moment he's having a bromance with the other guy.
Be happy for him. Make it clear that you are also moving along with new friends and interests and just leave it that maybe the three of you can get together sometime...

And now get out there and get some more friends.

 

[FloridaMarlon]

Are you certain he's had sexual relationships with older men? If so, even if nothing has happened between them yet, I'd guess that's what he's hoping for.

You really only have three choices:

Talk to him about how you feel being the one putting all the effort into the friendship, and try to find out why he's ignoring you.

Stop contacting him, and see whether he tries to get in touch with you. If he doesn't, you'll just need to let him go.

Continue being available and let things go on the way they have been.

I know for a fact that he's messed around one of the older gay guys that lives in his building. He said the guy came knocking on his door late one night kinda drunk. They went back to the guy's apartment, showered together and he let the guy suck him off.

But back to the main topic here, I think I might not call or text him this weekend and see if he tries to reach out to me. If he doesn't contact me, I know I won't take it that well though. I'll probably end up driving over to his place to make him hang out with me.

Also, this might make the situation more complicated, but we're messed around a couple time too. I've even fucked him once, and he jokingly calls me his "butt buddy" and has even referred to us as "boyfriends" before a couple of months ago. Although its not official, no one knows we've ever messed around and we've never kissed. But usually everytime we see each other, before we leave each other, there's some type of bodily contact involved.

I guess I have some type of strong emotional attachment to this guy that I can't get rid of. So, that's why I get hurt when it seems that he's not thinking of me as much as he used to. And I have confronted him, saying "so, u have a new best friend now?" And he just says "I have a lot of friends".

 

[Lewis1]

I know for a fact that he's messed around one of the older gay guys that lives in his building. He said the guy came knocking on his door late one night kinda drunk. They went back to the guy's apartment, showered together and he let the guy suck him off.

But back to the main topic here, I think I might not call or text him this weekend and see if he tries to reach out to me. If he doesn't contact me, I know I won't take it that well though. I'll probably end up driving over to his place to make him hang out with me.

Also, this might make the situation more complicated, but we're messed around a couple time too. I've even fucked him once, and he jokingly calls me his "butt buddy" and has even referred to us as "boyfriends" before a couple of months ago. Although its not official, no one knows we've ever messed around and we've never kissed. But usually everytime we see each other, before we leave each other, there's some type of bodily contact involved.

I guess I have some type of strong emotional attachment to this guy that I can't get rid of. So, that's why I get hurt when it seems that he's not thinking of me as much as he used to. And I have confronted him, saying "so, u have a new best friend now?" And he just says "I have a lot of friends".

'

That would be a bad idea. You need to pull away to see "how long" he will go without contacting you
Its a classic case of not knowing what a great friend you have untill they 'arent available".

I find it odd that you can fool around but not kiss. lol

 

[FloridaMarlon]

For every 10 friends you make in life, you will lose 8 or 9. You're just going to drift apart. Usually unilaterally.

No! I'm not gonna allow that to happen. We've been too close for too long. I do a lot for him that no one else does. Just last week, he called his mom to make sure she called me on my birthday this past Sunday.

I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm just being childish and being too jealous. He might just need a little space every once in awhile.

 

[craig1]

\He doesnt seem very nice too treat you like that

 

[mac_twck]

People come into our lives, and some stay for a minute, some for a day, some for months, and some for years. They teach us something, they love us, they have a reason for being there. The trick is knowing when to let them go.

Sorry to say but this is one that needs to be let go. The friendship may rekindle later but for now let it go and rejoice in the fact that you had a friend that was special and made life fun.

No go out and find another one!!

 

[texan_slant]

Take a step back, give it some space, and if your friendship is really true to itself, and meant to be for a long time, then it will "come full circle."

Friendships/relationships kind of have to be dynamic and not static; another friend usually impacts the dynamics of the other friendships - kind of like the game of chess. Just let time tell.

 

[trikky]

this kind of thing can happen very easily when you become reliant on one friend. I've been there. You need to widen your circle of friends so that you have other guys to hang with. Also after a while of you not being there for him, he might start to feel he's had enough space.

 

[evanrick]

get more friends. who needs this guy? sure you have been close...but dont stop with just him if you need more friends.

 

[FloridaMarlon]

I appreciate the advice you guys are giving. Its very helpful and encouraging.

I just wanted to say that I think that I may be the one to blame for this happening. There was another guy that I met back in January that I met through my friend because he used to live in they used to live in the same building together. Then, the guy moved to my part of town and we started hanging out a lot. My friend started to get kinda jealous of this other guy that I was hanging around with because there were times when he would ask me to come over to hang with him and I would say that I already told the other guy that I would take him somewhere. (Because he didn't have a car).

It would even get to the point that whenever I wanted to hang out with the other guy, my friend would ask to come along too. And my friend swore up and down that we were messing around, but I told him that I would never do that. He would jokingly say "I was cheating on him". Eventually, my friend and the other guy both told me that if I wanna hang out with either one of them, to come alone.

A couple of weekends ago, my friend asked me if I was gonna come over because it was Saturday. I told him that I couldn't because the other guy and I were hanging out, but I'd come over later in the afternoon. So, my friend says "ok, call me if anything." I think that this is what has led him to seek out other friends and become closer to that older guy he's always around now.

About a week ago, I decided that I'm no longer gonna be friends with that other guy because I think he took a couple of things from my place when I let him sleep over one night. When I confronted him, he denied it. So, I recently cut him out of my life. I told this to my friend and he told me that I needed to have done that awhile ago.

So overall I think that me starting a friendship with that other guy has damaged the relationship that I had with my best friend. Its just not the same anymore between us. I cut the other guy out of my life, and I did that because I wanted to save the friendship I had with my best buddy.

But now, it seems that the tables have turned and I'm not as important was I used to be in his life. I just need to think of something to do that will rekindle the way we used to be. I don't know how this has happened, but I've come to admit that I think I've fallen in love with him and there's emotional attachment involved. And I've never had such any type of emotional attachment to another guy before.

 

[____]

I cut the other guy out of my life, and I did that because I wanted to save the friendship I had with my best buddy.

Maybe you could try telling him that.

If he's never initiatively asking you to hang out any more, it would probably be best to let go.

"Don't make someone your priority when you are only an option."

 

[shampoomeyou]

I appreciate the advice you guys are giving. Its very helpful and encouraging.

I just wanted to say that I think that I may be the one to blame for this happening. There was another guy that I met back in January that I met through my friend because he used to live in they used to live in the same building together. Then, the guy moved to my part of town and we started hanging out a lot. My friend started to get kinda jealous of this other guy that I was hanging around with because there were times when he would ask me to come over to hang with him and I would say that I already told the other guy that I would take him somewhere. (Because he didn't have a car).

It would even get to the point that whenever I wanted to hang out with the other guy, my friend would ask to come along too. And my friend swore up and down that we were messing around, but I told him that I would never do that. He would jokingly say "I was cheating on him". Eventually, my friend and the other guy both told me that if I wanna hang out with either one of them, to come alone.

A couple of weekends ago, my friend asked me if I was gonna come over because it was Saturday. I told him that I couldn't because the other guy and I were hanging out, but I'd come over later in the afternoon. So, my friend says "ok, call me if anything." I think that this is what has led him to seek out other friends and become closer to that older guy he's always around now.

About a week ago, I decided that I'm no longer gonna be friends with that other guy because I think he took a couple of things from my place when I let him sleep over one night. When I confronted him, he denied it. So, I recently cut him out of my life. I told this to my friend and he told me that I needed to have done that awhile ago.

So overall I think that me starting a friendship with that other guy has damaged the relationship that I had with my best friend. Its just not the same anymore between us. I cut the other guy out of my life, and I did that because I wanted to save the friendship I had with my best buddy.

But now, it seems that the tables have turned and I'm not as important was I used to be in his life. I just need to think of something to do that will rekindle the way we used to be. I don't know how this has happened, but I've come to admit that I think I've fallen in love with him and there's emotional attachment involved. And I've never had such any type of emotional attachment to another guy before.

Ok. So I dont talk a lot on these forums, but reading the posts, and the advice/input from the other users. Im going to call Bullshit on you.

I think by the sounds of it, youre a really caring, and devoted guy who really cares a lot about his friends/partners etc... BUT... and I am speaking from 100% experience with this... youre a) thinking tooooooooo much about it (and from what I read on here...) b) not being honest with yourself.

The fact he has another friend or even dating this older guy I would guess has very little to do with you and your other friend you mentioned in the last post. The "bullshit" call comes basically from that. To me, youre looking for excuses or reasons as to why he is getting more friends. Which, isnt too healthy because EVERYONE has friends and although it sounds like he is being shady with you, I think you may even be reading into that too much. Logically if you are driving by somebodys place, and youre doing something else (ie: going to a movie, or a game or something) a person probably wouldnt stop by to say "hey" thats what texting or emailing is for, or even calling but not necessarily during the 'drive by'. Although it sounds like you were really close friends, he probably wasnt driving by your place thinking "oh gee I should really see if Joe is available" nor was he probably thinking " hahah, I am going to drive by and NOT invite him...screw him". If he was thinking that latter, then you really dont want him around anyway. Even if he is acting on jealousy.

I agree with the above posts, leave it, see if he contacts you. If not, then you will probably want to contact him cause you'll be sick with wonder, but allow at LEAST a week to pass before you contact him. I agree with this not to 'play games' but just to allow time to pass and for logic to re-enter your mind rather than emotion and EGO.

P.S. I know I may sound harsh here, but ive lived this for over 6 years and am FINALLY moving on. I wouldnt want to imagine anyone else living this, so I am just saying what I think MAY be happening. Im not an expert, but just someone who's been through something similar and is hoping to help