i think i've made the biggest mistake of my life

[NostalgicDreamer]

i met my first boyfriend at the beginning of this year, he asked to be my boyfriend after the third date and i said yes, even though i've had reservations. we are very different from each other, and we also have different schedule so we don't get to spend a lot of time together. things were going ok until he told me his friend with benefit messaged him to see if he wanted a hook up. i was shook up and became very insecure.

all the while our sex live suffers, i've only been with one other guy but i didn't have sex. my ex-boyfriend and i had sex a couple of times and i was just not into it. mainly because i didn't trust him.

i tried to break up with him a few times because i thought it was for the best, that we should just be friends. at first he pushed for us to stay together, but he finally gave up and call it quits. but we got back together in the next couple of days. and a few weeks later he broke up with me, he said i'd worned him down and he wasn't in love with me. that was 2 days after my birthday. his birthday was two weeks after mine and i drew a little picture of him and gave him a card, as closure.

that was about two months ago. we emailed and chat with each other from time to time. it was so hard because after we broke up i really missed him because i realized that i took him for granted and i wanted us to be together again. i became obsessive and i couldn't get him out of my mind. i was ready to accept and forget about what he did in the past. i was about to let all of that go. but he didn't show any indication of wanting to get back together.

i was depressed and i cried almost every night to bed. i eventually face the fact that he didn't want to be with me and tried to move on by focus other things.

but two weeks ago, he came to my work while i was on vacation and asked about me. he started sending me emails and text messages almost everyday. i suspected something was up and he eventually said that he wanted to get back together with me. my was jumping for joy on the inside but i didn't say anything. i really want to run into his arms and hold him and never let him go.

but he told me that he had a friend stayed over his apartment after we broke up and they had sex, he even told me that he wanted something to happy between them but nothing did. his friend left a week before he wanted to get back together with me. i felt so much betrayal and hurt, i know technically it's not cheating but it just felt like it, and it's devastating.

i told him if he could show me that i can trust him then i would take him back, but he starts bringing up things from the past that i just wanted to put behind. i admit we have communication issues and we worked on it and now we understand each other better. but i just can't get over the fact that he'd been with someone after we broke up. and that this guy is coming back to live with him in a couple of weeks.

i love him! i really want what's best for him and i want to be with him. but i told him that we should only be friend and now i don't know if i've made a big mistake....

 

[3nipples]

All those reasons it didn't work before are still there - plus he admitted that he doesn't love you - so what makes you think it will work this time?

 

[looseliam]

If there's one thing I've learned thus far in life, is that people don't change. Sure they may get a little better, or a little worse, but for the most part they stay the same.

So, how long will you two be together until another fuck buddy calls and wants to shag?

Sweetie, no one needs to go through this.

Though it sounds difficult now, I suggest you deal with the pain and the loss and find someone later on down the road when you're ready.

 

[Just_Believe18]

You didn't want him and then you wanted him but then he didn't want you and now he wants you but you can't put behind the past?

When you get what you want, why aren't you happy?

I find your user name to be quite compelling. You are nostalgic over dreams, fantasies, that were never real in the first place. You knew it wouldn't work and when you finally broke up, suddenly you wanted everything back again?

 

[rareboy]

Blecccchhhhh.

He must fuck like a stallion because you haven't given me one other reason to like this guy.

Get over him.

Move on.

He's only going to hurt you badly.

 

[NostalgicDreamer]

i just felt like it was my fault for not giving him the benefit of the doubt. he is honest and tried to be open about his temptations with me, and instead of trying to work it out with him then, i became insecure and wanted out.

he told me he's going to change whether we get back together or not. i know we all make mistakes and i feel we all deserve a second chance. what makes it hard is that i still love him, more than when i was with him. i took him for granted...i can't imagine living without him in my life.

and i know you guys are hearing it from my side of the story. he told me he tried to move on because he thought i was never going to talk to him again, but does that justify what he'd done?

thanks for all the comments

 

[Just_Believe18]

and i know you guys are hearing it from my side of the story. he told me he tried to move on because he thought i was never going to talk to him again, but does that justify what he'd done?

Yes. It does! You broke up. He moved on.

 

[gameboy 11]

To me, it sounds like this relationship was pretty unhealthy from the get go. The fact that he would run right into someone else's arms after you guys broke up, shows that he probably doesn't love you like you love him.

I hope you use your head.

Update us, we wanna hear from you in the future!

 

[maxpowr9]

pretty much what everybody else said.

 

[iosif2]

You are degrading yourself by even considering overlooking behaviors and characteristics in this guy that are real turn-offs to you, much less assuming any responsibility for his forrays and lack of love for you. And yet you seem to hinge your self worth on this guy. Must you compromise yourself so much just to have a guy in your life? There is no reason to believe that by going back to him, he will center all his love and affection around you? Buddy get things straight with yourself. Set high standards for entering a relationship. Don't settle for less. You were right not to hurry back to this guy, so NO, you didn't make a big mistake. Trust me and the other Jubers on this one Buddy and just stay friends. Call it quits before you get yourself into a frustrating one sided relationship, in which you will always blame something about yourself, or something you did,or didn't do, etc.. to excuse his lack focus on you. And forget asking him to comply with conditions in order for you to return to him. It's useless. You deserve a solid relationship. You are hurting yourself if you cave in to your immediate emotional needs and pursue this guy. Better alone than with the wrong person. You can weather it. So move on and wait for Mr. Right.

Just a little tough love pal.

 

[NostalgicDreamer]

instead of following my friends and jubbers advice, i chatted with him yesterday and see if he still wants to get back together - because i still do.

he said he is not ready to get back together because he wants to fix himself(?), and he needs some time. i also told him that even though i still want us to be together, i need some time too. i feel he really wants to change and still wants to be with me.

we even said if it we do end up going our separate ways, we would still be great friends. in a way, this brings me comfort and closure. even though we might or might not be together again, i feel we ended things on a good note. i'm not ruling him out but i found a new understanding and appreciate being single.

i was under a lot of stress and it felt like i was in my pre-mid-life-crisis. i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life, work became repetitive and i just felt stuck!

but after talking to my cousins yesterday and see that i was not alone, that they went through this too, i was comforted.

right now i'm just taking it day by day. i know some days will be better than others, and some days where all i will think about is him.

i realize there is more to life, i was under the impression that i might not ever meet another man and i lust after the feeling of being wanted, and being in love. i don't know what the future holds for me, i just hope it's going to be good.

 

[rareboy]

i was under the impression that i might not ever meet another man

If you're saying this at 22 years of age, you're either lacking imagination or you're emotionally and intellectually lazy. You don't get to have a pre-mid-life crisis for another 22 years yet.

If you invest as much thought and energy into looking for the right guy as you do in thinking about the wrong one, you'll be just fine.

If you hook up again with this one and it is as dreary and complicated as the first time around, remember you made the bed and you're the one who's going to have to lie in it.

 

[NostalgicDreamer]

at first i took offense to what you'd said, but i realize that you don't know me, you don't know my background and history and you've made a snap judgment about me, even if it was unintentional.

as a kid i was very flamboyant and lively and i was close to my parents. they let me do whatever, and i felt a lot of love from my father's side of the family. they all thought it was just a phase that i was going through, and they didn't think too much about it.

but when my family move here i started to change a lot. i became very quiet and i kept everything to myself. my parents start working all day and we drifted apart. i couldn't talk to anyone, i didn't feel acceptance from my family, friends and society.

i didn't even know who i was anymore, that lively little boy was taken over by this insecure, closeted freak who didn't have many friends through out grades school. beginning of senior yr in high school i met my bestfriend and she was the only one who i can count, she didn't judge me and accepted me.

my relationship with guys on the other hand plummeted. i couldn't relate to any of the guys and it was hard to even work up the courage to talk to them and befriend because i feel very different from the rest of them; i was just too scare that they would judge me and will not like who i really am.

living in a very conservative area and at home with family who all are considerably religious doesn't help. i can't afford to move out yet, and i'm still in the closet. i suspect they already know but we haven't sit down and talk about it.

i did grow up with low self-esteem and and self-worth and i can blame my parents for it, i can blame society for it, but ultimately it was my own fault for not giving me that chance to be myself. i always feel that i have to please everybody and it's so tiring, i lost myself along the way.

i came alive when i first met my ex-boyfriend. i found acceptance and he allows me to be more myself than with anybody else. i actually felt kinda attractive and more accepting of love. but when he started telling me about his temptations and his past it freaked me out. i didn't want to lose him, but i ended up pushing him away.

as for getting back with my ex i don't know, i know that i still love him, i want him to be happy just like everybody else. i'm changing my focus towards other things like school and work and it'd help a lot.

it's so good to finally let it all out, even if it's still just in writing, i feel at ease. i'm trying to be more expressive, i want to voice my opinion and be me and i'm slowly doing that and i'm glad that i'm able to do it.