I think my dad disowned me

[JournDude18]

My dad and I haven't seen each other in 7 years (dat's because he lives in central america), but we have always been very close and kept in contact. Almost a year ago tho, we had an argument and stopped talking.
Then two months ago, he sent me an email (which unfortunately has been our only means of communication recently) saying he was willing to put everything behind so we could solify our relationship once again. The message was so heartwarming and made me tear up a little--he talked about the old days when i used to live with him and i would wake up crying after i had a nightmare so i would go sleep with him, and other sweet stuff like dat.
So, i replied, and told him i was willing to forget everything as well. And for some reason, i decided that i was ready to come out to him. So i did. I told him i was bisexual and that i hoped he would put his religious beliefs aside and try to accept for who i've always been. [He's a protestant preacher, so you can imagine].
He never replied. I haven't heard from him ever since. He used to be my beset friend in the world, and i felt like he would always love me regardless of anything. I feel betrayed. Now i just stop and wonder, what happened to unconditional love?

 

[G-Lexington]

Offhand, I'd say you made a mistake. Maybe not coming out to him, but coming out to him right when he tried to reach back out to you.

>>> He used to be my beset friend in the world, and i felt like he would always love me regardless of anything. I feel betrayed. Now i just stop and wonder, what happened to unconditional love?

This isn't anything you haven't done before. You didn't talk to him for almost a year before that, and that had nothing to do with your sexuality. Yeah, it sucks, but there's not much you CAN do at this point. Send him another e-mail, tell him you still love him, and ask him to contact you when he feels he can.

Lex

 

[JournDude18]

Hmm...I hadn't seen it dat way. You're right. But i just can't swallow my pride, so i don't think i wanna contact him until he tries to do so first.

 

[G-Lexington]

...which is probably why it took you ten months the LAST time this kinda thing went down.

He was the bigger man last time - he contacted you first. Can't you be the bigger one this time? You don't have to beg for forgiveness or recant or anything. Just tell him you haven't heard from him, you miss him, and you hope to hear from him when he's ready. The end.

Lex

 

[JournDude18]

Yeah, i kno wat u mean, and thnx.
But no, i can't be the bigger man. He can go to hell for all i care. I grew up without a father, now i'm an adult, about to move out of the house...i can do without him.

 

[alley]

Yeah, i kno wat u mean, and thnx.
But no, i can't be the bigger man. He can go to hell for all i care. I grew up without a father, now i'm an adult, about to move out of the house...i can do without him.

I understand how you feel---my Dad never went out of his way to spent time with me and he lived only 3-4 city blocks away. When ever there was contact between us I was the one who made it. Still he was the only Dad I ever could have and the time we did spend together is what makes up my memories of him today. He died when I was twelve and I am sad that I never got to know him better.

 

[racer2438]

I think coming out at this tuff time between you was not right time.
It's that this it was wrong ,but the timing was wrong.

I would email him back and say nothing of it and just try to reconnect.

If he ask's just say what you feel or tell him we can talk about that some other time.

But always remember when you dont see your family for a long time and something happens, you never get that chance to make peace when they are gone.

Time is to short and family is important

 

[G-Lexington]

Let me see if I have this straight.

He used to be your best friend in the world.
Then you had a fight, and didn't talk for almost a year.
He reached out to you via e-mail
You responded, and came out to him.
He hasn't written back.
...so you're gonna completely write him off.

>>>...now i'm an adult...

I've got some major doubts about this.

Lex

 

[josher]

So, you purposely sabotaged your reconciliation with your father by telling him something that was guaranteed to upset him.

In another thread you said you'd out someone to hurt them, because someone else had once done that to you.

These are not the hallmarks of maturity; they are the actions of a child.

Either you are a late bloomer in terms of emotional maturity or you have some serious issues that might be best dealt with by seeing a therapist.

If you continue to manifest this kind of behavior, you're in for a very lonely and spite-filled life.

 

[trawler69]

Please re-evaluate how you treat other people. I am not remotely religious but I have found that if you treat others as you would like to be treated, they tend to reciprocate. If you treat them with hate and spite then that is what you will tend to get in return. I've tried both and can promise you that the former wins hands down: Smile and the world smiles with you

I think I would be tempted to apologise to your Dad for dropping the Bi thing on him when he was trying to reconnect, you knew that he would have problems with it

[He's a protestant preacher, so you can imagine]

It wasn't the best time to do this when you were both trying to forgive and forget. Best saved for when you have re-built your relationship.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yeah, i kno wat u mean, and thnx.
But no, i can't be the bigger man. He can go to hell for all i care. I grew up without a father, now i'm an adult, about to move out of the house...i can do without him.

That is your decision.

But understand this- as long as you hang on this bitterness, you will always be that hurt little child.

The key to being an adult at peace is to set aside the past and move forward in life and relationships.

 

[rareboy]

Oh for heaven's sake.

Grow up.

Life is too short already without carrying around a burden of bitterness and PRIDE. You see, I think that it is the latter that will be the most destructive influence in your life. St. Augustine didn't place it at the front of the seven deadlies by accident. One suspects that your father suffers from the same failing, so at least you know the apple didn't fall that far away from the tree.

But start with the premise that you are both imperfect men.

Reach out to him again as an adult man, not as a child. I think you have the right to question him about unconditional love for his son. If he is half the man he should be, he'll tell you that he loves you no matter what.

If he can't get beyond restrictive theology at the moment, then tell him that you are sorry for him, but will always be open to him coming back into your life.

Just don't use this as a crutch to lean on for the next 50 years.

 

[JournDude18]

Well hey guys, thnx for da advice, although some of it was harsh and made me sound like an immature person...hmm...
i have decided to call my dad and talk things out, man to man. if things go well, i might go visit him next year when i get back from active duty.

i would like to clarify one thing tho. I'm not a bad person as i may have sounded. Out of all my siblings, i hate to admit, i'm the one who feels the most consideration towards my mother. At school, i graduated with honors and i was one of the top three. I'm in the army, so i have a lot of discipline and i value life very very much. So i'm not all dat bad of a kid, i just have some very negative aspects about me. haha.

 

[rareboy]

So i'm not all dat bad of a kid, i just have some very negative aspects about me. haha.

There is nothing as telling as someone who wants to reassure others they are not a bad person and then pass off their shortcomings as a joke. Perhaps it is just the breezy laissez faire style of txtspk communications, but maybe not.

Look, you saw the advice as harsh and reproachful. We just saw a child with hurt feelings harbouring a grudge.

In the end, we're all pleased for you that you are going to try to re-engage your father.

Now that you're in the army, you are not a kid at all. Don't even think like one. Focus on how to communicate at an adult level and you will go far with the education you've been given. This includes knowing the time and place to convey ideas and information and honing your skills in written and oral communications. This will help you when you are talking to your father and when you are trying to explain everything that is going through your brain. Remember that he is likely a learned man, albeit perhaps restricted in his thinking, and that he will be hoping to find an articulate as well as considerate young man that he can be proud to call his son, despite his own failings in helping to raise him.

I suspect that who you want to fuck won't even be an issue at all in that case.

Reducing complex concepts to txtspk will only result in misunderstanding.

Best wishes and play safe wherever your country decides that they need to ship their young men next.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well hey guys, thnx for da advice, although some of it was harsh and made me sound like an immature person...hmm...
i have decided to call my dad and talk things out, man to man. if things go well, i might go visit him next year when i get back from active duty.

i would like to clarify one thing tho. I'm not a bad person as i may have sounded. Out of all my siblings, i hate to admit, i'm the one who feels the most consideration towards my mother. At school, i graduated with honors and i was one of the top three. I'm in the army, so i have a lot of discipline and i value life very very much. So i'm not all dat bad of a kid, i just have some very negative aspects about me. haha.

Understand this- sometimes the mirror that we hold up points out some things that were not seen by the OP and often times it points out some painful truths. But we don't do it to be mean or harsh. In a case like your's, your father has made a mistake and we don't want you to repeat that same mistake.

No one thinks that you are a bad person- you were just angry, hurt and you were not thinking about what the consequences of your actions will be in the next month, the next year, next decade... Anger, bitterness and regret are like a heavy backpack that no one should every chose to carry around for the rest of their life.

Reach out to him again as an adult man, not as a child.

Being the better man sometimes means swallowing your pride and doing the right thing. That's what you have done. Everyone here wishes nothing but the best for you and your family.

 

[JournDude18]

Yes, I can see that i have acted immature. But it's just complicated being in tough situations such as these. I'm usually the one ppl come to for advice. but being in this situation i just felt so vulnerable, i did feel like a small child, it may be because that was the only time i really knew my father--when i was little.
well i got good news; he replied to my message!! He said he hadn't had the chance to reply before, and felt bad because i might have misinterpreted the whole thing! (hmm...)
but he says that God loves me just the way i am. That makes me sooo happy, and at the time really stupid for believing my dad could do such a bad thing. He does, however, want to talk to me about the whole being bi thing. I don't know what will come of that.