I think my parents and sisters might suspect I'm gay

[NongreasySweatproof]

So here's my deal. I'm 27 years old, and I've had a few girlfriends before (none lasting more than 8 months or so) but have rarely brought them home to meet the parents. They've only met two of them, ONCE each, soon before the relationship ended, so how the heck does that look?

My male cousins are all married, and their wives are all gorgeous and smart, and I'm the only single guy in the family left. Not to flatter myself or anything, but this looks especially weird because I am pretty successful and I'm considered very handsome by most women. My parents and my sisters have long stopped asking me about how the girls are, or asking me questions like "so, seeing anyone lately?" The only time that the issue of homosexuality was ever brought up was about 10 years ago. As odd as it sounds, I don't remember the details, but I think my sister said something to my parents like "I'm worried he's gay because he's never dated a girl before" (or something like that) and my parents got all defensive on my behalf and said something like "what do you expect at his age. (and then to me) Don't you listen to your sister--you just take however much time you want until you're comfortable." Another time, I had said something (which I don't recall), and my sister got confused and responded, "Oh! I didn't know you were like THAT..." Ever since those incident, nary a word has been said, but I still think there's a bit of awkwardness. For the record, my sisters and I don't keep in close touch these days. I talk with my parents more, though.

I have two good buddies that I drink with and sometimes we spend the night at each other's places (maybe normal at 15, but at my age it might raise a few more eyebrows). We've gone camping and fishing and stuff like that. As someone who never brings the girls home to meet the parents, and who's been single for a few years, I sometimes wonder whether my parents think something is up with me and my buddies. NOTHING could be further from the truth than that, though--I've never been attracted in that way to any of my regular buddies.

Those of you who have read some of my posts before might know that I'm bi, but have never been in a relationship with a guy (though I've messed around).
I don't know what my deal is, but my level of attraction to guys vs. girls goes up and down like a window shade. I'm physically attracted to guys (as well as girls), but not sexually (I've been able to get off with guys only by fantasizing about girls). I know there are skeptics out there who would find this incredible, but it's how I go.

Anyway, I don't know what the point of this was. I just wanted to get this out on paper. Thanks guys!

 

[jonty71]

Hi mate,
Just be who you are and do what you feel most comfortable with, and don't get bogged down with what other people think.
I am 37, and until recently i considered myself totally straight ( although i have never actually been with a guy), recently I have been thinking that I would like to try with a guy. I have had two major long term relationships with women each lasting 7-8 years which have fulfilled me both emotionally and sexually. I am now single and believe me I get it all the time from family and friends "why are you not married" , but honestly i don't let it bother me, i'm not just going to conform because people think I should.
I think my bottom line to you is, live your life how you want to, not how other people want you to. Hope this helps.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

Thanks man. Actually, I'm not trying to conform to any expectations (like getting married right now) or anything. It's just that my family's silence on the whole girlfriend/getting married issue is a bit unnerving. I'm glad they're not like "so . . . when are we going to get to meet her? Are we going to have grandkids, etc." It's like they talk to and about me like I'm asexual. My dad used to ask me about girls and make comments on specific girls he thought I liked, etc. ("How about that so-and-so, huh?") and all that has stopped. My closer sister used to ask me about whom I was dating--even details like kissing and whether I was sleeping with them--but that's all stopped, too. I'm sure I'm overanalyzing things, but I still think something is up.

 

[jonty71]

I Wouldn't worry about it, perhaps just be glad they aren't giving you any hassle.I'm sure you may well be complaining if they were. Also it doesn't mean that they think you are gay, they are probably just letting you get on with your life.

 

[Eagle653]

I'd bet that with you at 27 and your lack of dates, etc., that the thought has at least crossed their minds. They're probably classy and polite and don't want to confront the issue for fear of embarassing you, putting you on the spot, or forcing you to lie.

So, they have a laid-back approach, waiting for you to come to terms and feel comfortable enough telling them.

Or....maybe they don't know, or care, or both.

Anyway, it takes time to figure all this out. As long as no one is rocking any boats and confronting the issue, it seems you have the luxuary of time on your side to figure out what, if anything, to ever say.

Good luck!

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

That could be. The other thing I'm glad about is that my parents don't make comparisons between me and my cousins. In particular, one of my cousins and I were born two days apart, and other than the fact that we have green eyes/black hair vs. brown/brown, we look like we could be twins or something. Growing up, we were always competitive with each other in sports and stuff. He's a lot more "settled" in life right now than I, but I know it's not a race and I'm taking my time. As weird as it sounds, I think if I were to turn out (hypothetically or not so hypothetically) gay or bi or whatever, my parents (I hope) would be cool with it after a period of being upset, but I'd actually be a little embarrassed about what my extended family would think. My cousin's family is really macho. Dad and son are both lawyers and schmooze with big poobahs at financial institutions, son grew up playing lacrosse and tennis, and the whole family went on trips to places like Jackson Hole, etc. I'd be a bit of a joke (to them): "my-nephew-the-fag", etc. It would be one more thing they could feel a bit smug about. I know, I know: who cares. I don't feel any less successful or worse off than my cousin (I've chosen a totally different career), but it's still at the back of my mind. Alright, gotta work now so I'm ditching JUB for a while.

 

[G-Lexington]

My father was the third of nine kids in a nice Catholic family in rural Wisconsin. Whereas they don't exactly like chatting about me and my "roommate", this huge extended family has never made me feel unwelcome when I go back to visit. I'm not saying that won't be the case with you, but it's possible.

Lex

 

[CoolBlue71]

So here's my deal. I'm 27 years old, and I've had a few girlfriends before (none lasting more than 8 months or so) but have rarely brought them home to meet the parents. They've only met two of them, ONCE each, soon before the relationship ended, so how the heck does that look?

My male cousins are all married, and their wives are all gorgeous and smart, and I'm the only single guy in the family left. Not to flatter myself or anything, but this looks especially weird because I am pretty successful and I'm considered very handsome by most women. My parents and my sisters have long stopped asking me about how the girls are, or asking me questions like "so, seeing anyone lately?" The only time that the issue of homosexuality was ever brought up was about 10 years ago. As odd as it sounds, I don't remember the details, but I think my sister said something to my parents like "I'm worried he's gay because he's never dated a girl before" (or something like that) and my parents got all defensive on my behalf and said something like "what do you expect at his age. (and then to me) Don't you listen to your sister--you just take however much time you want until you're comfortable." Another time, I had said something (which I don't recall), and my sister got confused and responded, "Oh! I didn't know you were like THAT..." Ever since those incident, nary a word has been said, but I still think there's a bit of awkwardness. For the record, my sisters and I don't keep in close touch these days. I talk with my parents more, though.

I have two good buddies that I drink with and sometimes we spend the night at each other's places (maybe normal at 15, but at my age it might raise a few more eyebrows). We've gone camping and fishing and stuff like that. As someone who never brings the girls home to meet the parents, and who's been single for a few years, I sometimes wonder whether my parents think something is up with me and my buddies. NOTHING could be further from the truth than that, though--I've never been attracted in that way to any of my regular buddies.

Those of you who have read some of my posts before might know that I'm bi, but have never been in a relationship with a guy (though I've messed around).
I don't know what my deal is, but my level of attraction to guys vs. girls goes up and down like a window shade. I'm physically attracted to guys (as well as girls), but not sexually (I've been able to get off with guys only by fantasizing about girls). I know there are skeptics out there who would find this incredible, but it's how I go.

Anyway, I don't know what the point of this was. I just wanted to get this out on paper. Thanks guys!

Do you want to have a conversation about this with your sister or your parents? If the answer is yes, you should commit to doing so.

If you are choosing not to have a conversation with your parents and/or sister about yourself, I would suggest letting the chips fall wherever they may; in other words, let whatever thoughts or conversations other people might have to lie there.

What you've written sounds more about you and protecting you. But I hope my advice helps you deal smartly with whatever choice you will make.

 

[rareboy]

Oh, your parents and sisters know you're gay and are just witing to see if you get the balls to tell them. Have you ever thought of bringing one of your buds to a family do instead of a girl?

I love it when I'm at some family grope and my unmarried male cousins in their late 20's and early 30's are all there behaving so straight...but I know that everyone knows and are just too polite to blurt it out.

If the familials aren't pushing, be glad and enjoy the peace.

 

[Soilwork]

OK, I'll be the jerk.

you're 27.

What are you waiting for?

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

OK, I'll be the jerk.

you're 27.

What are you waiting for?

I'm waiting for my next serious relationship. If it's with a woman, then it will be a moot point. If it's a man, I'll cross that bridge if I get there. Until then, there isn't really anything for me to do. I've already told some of my friends. The thing is, I'm kind of "questioning." I try to be honest with myself but I'm a bit confused myself; if I tried to tell my parents what my deal was, they would be confused as heck.

 

[Piquechampion]

I'm physically attracted to guys (as well as girls), but not sexually (I've been able to get off with guys only by fantasizing about girls).

I´m the same man

I can and have fallen in love with guys, but I´m not sexually attracted to them. And with girls is just the opposite, strong sexual attraction, but I can´t fall in love with them. Is that fucked up or what??

 

[RicanDAB]

When you're ready to come out you'll know it.

When I was 27 there was no way in hell I would have come out because I was just not ready to accept that about myself and much less have others accept it - a tad of denial lingered even though at that age I was in a behind-the-scenes romance with another guy. It was 10 years later when I was able to come out to myself and to others.

Do I regret not coming out until recently?? Not at all. It was my time and I made the decision to do it.

When you hit your 30's and you're still single, the "gay" suspicion will become even more prominent, like it or not. You'll either have to continue getting used to it or take control and end the wondering forever.

 

[NongreasySweatproof]

I´m the same man

I can and have fallen in love with guys, but I´m not sexually attracted to them. And with girls is just the opposite, strong sexual attraction, but I can´t fall in love with them. Is that fucked up or what??

Hey, thanks for your input. I set a pretty high bar for what I define as love, and I've only twice been in true love (both times with a woman), but I seem to get crushes on other men more often than I get crushes on women these days, perhaps in part because I have mostly "homosocial" work- and living arrangements and meet very few women. The physical attraction is there for both genders.

I hate to break it down so cleanly like this, but I'm really intrigued and attracted to a handsome man's face, but a woman's body is just so much hotter to me. A nice male body is like looking at a fine racehorse--something I admire, but don't feel any kind of physical lust for. At the same time, most of my homosexual crushes come from the fact that I'm able to feel a certain kind of fascination/mystery about other men that I don't feel for women. I just find women to be a lot less "mysterious," if that makes any sense. I'm not saying women aren't complex beings, either; some of them are complex, too, but not in ways that interest me as much as the way in which some men are complex.

I'm moving soon to a new position in life where I'll meet a lot more women than I'm currently meeting. After I make that transition, if I stay single, people will certainly question my sexuality much more than they are right now.

 

[Piquechampion]

Well, I do find men attractive but it´s just emotional. I have been in relationships with women, but I just can´t fall in love with them, even though I find them sexually and physically attractive. So, probably I´ll just end up with a guy, I prefer to satisfy my emotional needs, besides, as you said, I can allways fantasize of girls when I´m with a guy.

 

[Soilwork]

I think I just bit clear through my tongue.