I thought I was gay but what happened after a painful loss now confuses me

[BoyfromtheNorth]

My(23M) sister (25) died 3 months ago. We were very close. She was my one true best friend. She was only one I ran to to vent my feelings back when I was closeted in high school. She was the source of my pep talk when I’m nervous before my Rugby matches. She understood me, didn’t judge me and loved me. She was the best sister a brother can ask for. When I came out at 21 after graduating from college, she rushed to my side when my homophobic Christian parents cut ties with me. It still pains me to type this but she died 3 months ago after an accident. I was devastated. Everything came crashing down. I lost my motivation to do anything. I even ended it with a guy I was seeing for a potential relationship because I just wasn’t in the right mindset for a relationship and I didn’t want to subject him with my baggage.


However I wasn’t the only one grieving. My sister made one really good friend in college, let’s call her Diana, also 25. After they got acquainted in college they quickly became friends. They were borderline sisters, as far as how I observed their relationship. She was there during birthdays, she spent one Christmas with us. I even joked that they might be secret lovers. She was grieving just as much as I. She appreciated my sister as much as I did. Since I was disowned by my parents for being gay, I turned to her to share my pain. I felt like she was the only one who understood me.

To cope with our loss, and with advice from my therapist, we started to hangout and do things we loved to do with my sister when she was still alive in her honour. We’d watch her favourite movies she’s seen a bajillion times that she has memorized every line, we became gym partners as my sister and I are fitness freaks, we went hiking together, ate at her favourite restaurant when we were both. In the beginning, it seems like Diana was becoming my replacement big sister and I was becoming her replacement best friend.


Things took a turn 3 weeks ago, my sister’s birthday. To honour her we ate at my sis’ favourite restaurant . Diana told me it was early and encouraged me by saying my sister would like it if we tried to live again, be happy and try to restart normal life. We went to a bar and grabbed drinks. We weren’t highly drunk but were clearly influenced by alcohol. I took an uber with her home to ensure she was safe. At her apartment, we chatted for a bit and as I was about to leave she begins bawling her eyes out about how she mises my sister. I hugged her and began crying too. Suddenly, she kissed me. One thing led to another before I knew it was naked in bed thrusting into her. It was awkward the morning after and she said sorry. I said sorry too. Things got really awkward and we saw each other less. Thursday the 13th however we agreed to meet to talk about what happened. Things didn’t pan out and it ended up with the two of us having sex again. But this time it was not awkward and we didn’t feel a tingle of regret. It’s been a week since that day and since then we’ve met 4 more times to hookup, cuddle and hang out. Before, we hungout like my sister was right with us as the third person even if we cannot see her. But since the 13th, our hangouts were just about us two, what made us happy.

Now comes the confusion and internal conflict. I’m definitely still attracted to guys but it never crossed my mind that I could be into girls too. It was just not on my radar. I was relatively popular athlete kid back in high school and I did have my fair share of girl admirers but I felt secure enough in my gayness that I just made bs excuses why I don’t wanna date them when I was closeted. Never felt the need to have a “beard”.

I figured I’m probably the opposite of those bi guys who thought they were straight until they experimented with the same sex and realized they’re bi. I’m the reverse.

I am concerned about what my parents will think. They will be overjoyed if Diana becomes my girlfriend but I don’t want to reinforce their homophobia. I refuse to be the poster child of their twisted belief that sexuality can be changed with prayer and religious pressure. I don’t want to prove their homophobia right. I’m also concerned about some of my gay friends. Afraid they’ll see me as a traitor, or that I am coming back into the closet to live the hetero privilege.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

It's always difficult to know how these things will play out. But there are some red flags that you may want to consider before you get further into this relationship.

I once heard a grief counselor say that suffering a tragic loss isolates people in a unique way. Even though you may have others who are grieving along with you, each of you have to find your own way out through the grief. The analogy that the counselor used was that sudden loss is like a group of people stranded on top of a mountain and everyone has a broken leg. As much as you would like to help each other, in the end everyone is going to have to figure out how to get off the mountain alone and at their own speed.

Just like straight guys can find themselves in a romantic situation with another guy without it being determinative of their sexuality, it is also possible for a gay guy to get emotionally and physically involved with a woman but still be gay. Given the circumstance- the extreme amount of grief that you and your friend are experiencing, there can be a very real emotional connection between the two of you but that doesn't change your sexual orientation.

The other thing that you might want to consider is a common theme in the support forum- the risk of ruining a friendship by getting sexually involved with a friend. When the two of you have moved through your grief and you are able to find a sense of "normal" again, it may be difficult to end a physical relationship without ending a friendship. In terms of the mountain grief metaphor, the two of you may not find your way off the mountain at the same speed and that may be an undue burden on trying to keep this relationship going.

From what you've said, it seems that this is moving fast. After a few times having sex with your friend, you are pondering some pretty big complications with parents, friends and how you label your sexual orientation. This might be a good time to slow down and think about whether you might be putting too much pressure on yourself and your friend. Given all that is going on, it might be better to take things one day at a time and let this play out a little further before you put attribute too much significance to what may be two people finding temporary solace together.

 

[cabinfever]

I am not sure if this will help but just in case -

When I was single I ended up having sex with mostly straight married men. It was an accident at first (and they picked me up - not vice versa) and I liked them because they weren't gay and I didn't have to deal with someone obsessing over or stalking me or freaking out thinking sex meant love- UGH.

As it turns out - one guy in particular ( my favorite and he one I had sex with the most) decided one day that he was gay (he wasn't) and he offered me a house free of charge (he owned lots of them and a construction company as well) and the reason was if he was gay he wanted me to be his.

Well - I told him that he wasn't gay and to go back to his wife and ask her to get a strap on. I had to explain to him that the prostate has no sexual preference and can be stimulated to orgasm in many different ways.

I don't think homosexuality or heterosexuality is a choice of any kind BUT a homosexual can have intercourse with a woman and a heterosexual man can have sex with a man but it doesn't change their sexual orientation as it isn't a choice anyway.

I have had sex with an orgasm with a woman but the thought of being straight horrifies me - I like being a homosexual as it is natural for me. I also consider myself 100% homosexual even though I had sex with a woman (one of he reasons I don't drink anymore but that's another thread).

In the end - how you define yourself is entirely up to you. I just wanted to share my experiences with you to maybe give you something to think about in the process.

Good Luck!

 

[TX-Beau]

I used to date women. It didn't make me straight, no matter how much I wanted it to.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Unfortunately, JUB has a history of such stories being fabricated by a returning poster who creates elaborate stories, posts them as a new user, and then sits back to watch the chaos. This usually happens in Hot Topics, but now that the mods bump those to the safe back rooms, less chaos ensues. You're a new member, brand new, so we'll have the future to see you posting in other threads, but for now, this has the earmarks of those stories.

Assuming it's a true story, there isn't a lot to say other than being gay isn't a political lifestyle, so you cannot be a traitor to an orientation.

Whether fiction or fact, your description of the parental issue brings up a useful topic. Gays, even more than Christians, seem to espouse unconditional love as a tenet. In truth, unconditional love is somewhere between propaganda, doctrine, and romantic ideal, whether used to apply to a member of the Godhead, or a parent, or a lover. As humans understand love, it is always conditional. Your parents violated your trust by rejecting you. Many MANY gays stop loving their parents because of the difference in approval. It becomes a gay mantra, even though it used to be even more common for parents to reject children who were dopers, gamblers, adulterers, or dated across religious, racial, or ethnic lines. Romeo and Juliet come to mind.

It is perfectly natural to want to reconcile with parents, to enjoy loving family. In your story, the potential of condoning their rejection is pushed forward as a flag. In the equation, the question of forgiveness arises. Did your parents commit the unforgivable sin when rejecting you? If so, are you comfortable being the unforgiving party? If you choose reconciliation, is it even possible since you are not "redeemed" from being gay, only now including straight sex too?

There is also the looming question of satisfaction, and whether you would be content being only straight or gay with whomever you find to partner with? If you settle with the friend, will you be monogamous or need an open relationship, or will your gay sex drive be submlimated?

And, if you do reconcile, is it materially any different from millions of straight families who've faced severe divisions due to bad marriages, addictions, parental remarriages, politics, imprisonments, theft of family items, inheritance squabbles, religious conflicts, and so on. We always think gay conflict is so unique, but we should see it in light of yet another part of dealing with becoming self and still being tied to family and past.

 

[clicker]

I guess the the only thing I can think of is that you discovered your bi potential ? It certainly raises the uncomfortable question as are we born gay or not ? I don't know for sure...

 

[clicker]

I guess the the only thing I can think of is that you discovered your bi potential ? It certainly raises the uncomfortable question as are we born gay or not ? I don't know for sure...

I forgot to add that sexual fluidity may be at work ?

 

[Biggijstar]

We should be encouraging sexual freedom allow people especially men to fuck whoever