Guys, I am reaching the end of my rope with a recent situation that I've encountered. The helpless thing about this is I don't know if there are any words of wisdom or advice you could give me that I don't already know very well. I guess I just need to get it out of my system and off my chest and, who knows, maybe a silver bullet for dealing with it will appear from those of you here. I'm finding myself fixating on this and it's just not healthy. It does get better, then I wake up, for instance, this morning and it's back 100%. If I don't let this go and get some relief from it, I'm scared as hell that it will consume me and I will lose my freaking mind. As some background for you, I do have issues with loss and abandonment and I can trace that back to when my dad passed away suddenly when I was a young teen. That has been the defining moment of my life thus far and it affects many things, including some of my relationships. When something like what I'm about to describe happens, it really hits me hard, harder than it should really.
I will try to be brief in telling you about this, so I don't bore you to tears, but it's hard to not ramble. This trouble that I'm going through involves a guy I met online 3 years ago. For the purpose of this thread, we'll call him "Josh". We met in a gay chat room, which will remain nameless since, to be honest, the thought of that chat site and ever going back to it brings me some painful memories. There was a definite connection between Josh and me and soon we had exchanged email/IM addresses. This carried on for the rest of 2005. We learned everything about each other. He was 18 years old and living in New Jersey, while I was 25 and living here in Georgia. We would talk literally every day and more than once a day. The feelings were obviously mutual and one day, after months of talking, Josh blurted out that he loved me. That should have been a red flag to me, but I told him I loved him back. I was such a fool to say that at that point, but what can I say, but I was smitten with him and it felt right to say it.It was the first of several mistakes that I made with Josh. After that, we exchanged face pics and both liked what we saw. The relationship, such as it was, took off even more after that, until finally, in early 2006, we decided we should talk on the phone. Let me say here, Josh was the more aggressive one, wanting to talk on the phone and do so several times a day. Looking back on it, I see now that he was a little needy and a little clingy. Not that I wasn't wanting the companionship with him myself, but he drove alot of this "relationship". In the fall of 2006, Josh went to a college in Boston. Almost from the time he landed there, he was miserable. He wasn't making any friends and he disliked his roommate, mainly because the roomie wouldn't tolerate us talking on the phone late at night. Josh came up with a plan to transfer to a school here in Georgia, about 45-50 minutes from me. He needed to be closer to me to be happy, he said. Looking back on it now, with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had slowed him down on this idea. I have heard of online relationships that lose their spark when reality hits and you're there together in person. But, like an idiot, I agreed. Josh would talk of nothing else for weeks on end and maybe some of my doubts would come through in our talks, because one night, after talking about his move, Josh asked me point blank "Do you think this is a good idea? Are we moving too fast?" Here was my chance to slow this down and I'm still kicking myself because I blew it completely and didn't voice my reservations. I guess I was a little too attached already and wanted it too, against my better judgment.
In January 2007, Josh arrived here in Georgia and started classes at a university near Atlanta. It was a great time together since the chemistry we had on the net and on the phone was even stronger in person, or so I felt. He was everything that I imagined he would be and I really thought he thought the same of me. The greatest thing was being able to touch him and hold him. I still get a warm feeling when I think back to the times we laid on his bed together and cuddled while we watched Grey's Anatomy together. Needless to say, even though it's a great show, I can't watch it right now. Sorry, I'm tearing up here.
Anyway, we went through those months of the spring semester together. We had discussed, and his parents were firm, that I shouldn't be around campus all the time. That would only distract him from his studies. We both wanted more time together but we both were mature enough to realize that his education had to come first. Believe me, if I could, I would have moved in with him, that's how crazy I was about him. As it was, in the beginning, we saw each other about 3 times a week minimum and we were both content with that. The daily phone calls continued, so that also held us over. I was and am a busy person too, like him, so it seemed fine. I guess over time, that became not enough "face time" for him. I admit that I had to beg off going to see him a couple of times, and it tore me up to do it because he seemed so sad when I would tell him because he really only knew me and he had no other close friends here, but I had no choice, I did have responsiblities with my job and family. Although I didn't see it coming at the time, things were slowly fading away with us, until finally, without warning in early April, Josh abruptly stopped communicating. He didn't respond to phone calls, emails, or text messages. I probably knew in my heart what this meant, but I chose to believe he was just busy with school. I stopped trying to reach him after awhile, so I wasn't a nuisance and thought I would give him space. His finals were coming up and I was sure I would hear from him eventually. Well, you can guess what happened. I never heard from him and when the end of the semester arrived in early May, he left and I was crushed. I did try one last time to reach him, the night before he left for home, by sending him an email and IM, telling him I was ready to talk when he was and that I missed him. Again, no answer from him. (In our recent conversation, the first in nearly a year and the one I will tell you about below, he told me he didn't see any need to answer me, since it was "over" between us.) I went through the summer months, dazed and confused. As time marched on, I also became very bitter at Josh. There was no excuse for this and if he wanted out, the least he could do was man up to it and let me go with a simple phone call or email if he couldn't face me. Something, anything to keep me from being at loose ends for a long time and honestly, in torment. So I basically wrote him off and repressed my feelings. This was a big mistake and it's something I've done alot since my dad's passing. I think that if I ignore it, it will go away and sometimes it does, but sometimes, like now, it comes back and bites me on the ass. Fall came around and I was going back and forth between despising Josh and longing for him. Sometimes, I was even indifferent about him. I was a mess and didn't realize it. I kept wondering, was he back in state for the fall semester or did he transfer back up north, admitting it was a mistake to come here in the first place? I was stubborn and never gave in to my curiosity. I was trying desperately to move on. I did break down and try to contact him one time in September, on his birthday. Whatever the problem was between us, I thought he deserved a card and maybe, just maybe, that would break the ice and lead to some closure. Again, I heard nothing from him even though I know he received it since I was sent a receipt. At that point, my feelings really hardened towards Josh and I closed down. I was functioning but barely. I have always heard the best thing for getting over someone is to find someone else but honestly, the thought of that repels me and scares me alot. It's hard to get off the mat and run the risk of getting kicked in the groin again. If I have another disaster of a relationship so soon after Josh, I will self-destruct. So it's the classic Catch 22 situation. I'm afraid to put myself out there to find someone else, yet I'm stuck in the muck of pining and worrying over a guy that is very toxic for me and has obviously moved on.
Fast forward to this past week and Josh is really on mind and on my heart for some reason. Maybe it was because one day I was nearby his university, maybe it was because I realized that it would soon be one whole year since we had seen each other or spoken but whatever the reason, there he was. During this week, I also learned bits and pieces of what had happened last spring through the grapevine. As I figured, he had met another student towards the end of last spring and interestingly enough, after returning to Jersey for the summer, had followed a remarkably similar route to pursuing this guy as he had with me, over the net and on the phone. It worked so well on me, why the hell not? lol. I also learned that this new guy had already cheated on Josh at least twice. All of this made me decide to break down and reach out to Josh again. I wasn't crazy enough to think that he would just fall back into my arms if I was lucky enough to get in touch with him, but I thought maybe this was a chance to reestablish us on somewhat friendly terms. Even after the way he had acted last year, I still didn't really hate him and I thought if I couldn't have him as a lover or boyfriend, I could deal with friendship. I thought of him as a special person and I didn't really want to lose him out of my life if I could help it. One thing you can say about me, I'm consistent.......a consistent fool.
To be continued...
(Sorry guys to cut this off right at this point, but I really have to go and try and do some work. I will return later this evening and tell you about the phone call Josh and I had this weekend and why, instead of somewhat resolving things with him, it left me deeply disturbed that there is more here than just a relationship gone wrong. I believe there is something seriously wrong with him and he's in trouble. That's what I really would appreciate some advice on. Thanks for listening to my ramblings and please feel free to contact if you like.)
I will try to be brief in telling you about this, so I don't bore you to tears, but it's hard to not ramble. This trouble that I'm going through involves a guy I met online 3 years ago. For the purpose of this thread, we'll call him "Josh". We met in a gay chat room, which will remain nameless since, to be honest, the thought of that chat site and ever going back to it brings me some painful memories. There was a definite connection between Josh and me and soon we had exchanged email/IM addresses. This carried on for the rest of 2005. We learned everything about each other. He was 18 years old and living in New Jersey, while I was 25 and living here in Georgia. We would talk literally every day and more than once a day. The feelings were obviously mutual and one day, after months of talking, Josh blurted out that he loved me. That should have been a red flag to me, but I told him I loved him back. I was such a fool to say that at that point, but what can I say, but I was smitten with him and it felt right to say it.It was the first of several mistakes that I made with Josh. After that, we exchanged face pics and both liked what we saw. The relationship, such as it was, took off even more after that, until finally, in early 2006, we decided we should talk on the phone. Let me say here, Josh was the more aggressive one, wanting to talk on the phone and do so several times a day. Looking back on it, I see now that he was a little needy and a little clingy. Not that I wasn't wanting the companionship with him myself, but he drove alot of this "relationship". In the fall of 2006, Josh went to a college in Boston. Almost from the time he landed there, he was miserable. He wasn't making any friends and he disliked his roommate, mainly because the roomie wouldn't tolerate us talking on the phone late at night. Josh came up with a plan to transfer to a school here in Georgia, about 45-50 minutes from me. He needed to be closer to me to be happy, he said. Looking back on it now, with the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had slowed him down on this idea. I have heard of online relationships that lose their spark when reality hits and you're there together in person. But, like an idiot, I agreed. Josh would talk of nothing else for weeks on end and maybe some of my doubts would come through in our talks, because one night, after talking about his move, Josh asked me point blank "Do you think this is a good idea? Are we moving too fast?" Here was my chance to slow this down and I'm still kicking myself because I blew it completely and didn't voice my reservations. I guess I was a little too attached already and wanted it too, against my better judgment.
In January 2007, Josh arrived here in Georgia and started classes at a university near Atlanta. It was a great time together since the chemistry we had on the net and on the phone was even stronger in person, or so I felt. He was everything that I imagined he would be and I really thought he thought the same of me. The greatest thing was being able to touch him and hold him. I still get a warm feeling when I think back to the times we laid on his bed together and cuddled while we watched Grey's Anatomy together. Needless to say, even though it's a great show, I can't watch it right now. Sorry, I'm tearing up here.
Anyway, we went through those months of the spring semester together. We had discussed, and his parents were firm, that I shouldn't be around campus all the time. That would only distract him from his studies. We both wanted more time together but we both were mature enough to realize that his education had to come first. Believe me, if I could, I would have moved in with him, that's how crazy I was about him. As it was, in the beginning, we saw each other about 3 times a week minimum and we were both content with that. The daily phone calls continued, so that also held us over. I was and am a busy person too, like him, so it seemed fine. I guess over time, that became not enough "face time" for him. I admit that I had to beg off going to see him a couple of times, and it tore me up to do it because he seemed so sad when I would tell him because he really only knew me and he had no other close friends here, but I had no choice, I did have responsiblities with my job and family. Although I didn't see it coming at the time, things were slowly fading away with us, until finally, without warning in early April, Josh abruptly stopped communicating. He didn't respond to phone calls, emails, or text messages. I probably knew in my heart what this meant, but I chose to believe he was just busy with school. I stopped trying to reach him after awhile, so I wasn't a nuisance and thought I would give him space. His finals were coming up and I was sure I would hear from him eventually. Well, you can guess what happened. I never heard from him and when the end of the semester arrived in early May, he left and I was crushed. I did try one last time to reach him, the night before he left for home, by sending him an email and IM, telling him I was ready to talk when he was and that I missed him. Again, no answer from him. (In our recent conversation, the first in nearly a year and the one I will tell you about below, he told me he didn't see any need to answer me, since it was "over" between us.) I went through the summer months, dazed and confused. As time marched on, I also became very bitter at Josh. There was no excuse for this and if he wanted out, the least he could do was man up to it and let me go with a simple phone call or email if he couldn't face me. Something, anything to keep me from being at loose ends for a long time and honestly, in torment. So I basically wrote him off and repressed my feelings. This was a big mistake and it's something I've done alot since my dad's passing. I think that if I ignore it, it will go away and sometimes it does, but sometimes, like now, it comes back and bites me on the ass. Fall came around and I was going back and forth between despising Josh and longing for him. Sometimes, I was even indifferent about him. I was a mess and didn't realize it. I kept wondering, was he back in state for the fall semester or did he transfer back up north, admitting it was a mistake to come here in the first place? I was stubborn and never gave in to my curiosity. I was trying desperately to move on. I did break down and try to contact him one time in September, on his birthday. Whatever the problem was between us, I thought he deserved a card and maybe, just maybe, that would break the ice and lead to some closure. Again, I heard nothing from him even though I know he received it since I was sent a receipt. At that point, my feelings really hardened towards Josh and I closed down. I was functioning but barely. I have always heard the best thing for getting over someone is to find someone else but honestly, the thought of that repels me and scares me alot. It's hard to get off the mat and run the risk of getting kicked in the groin again. If I have another disaster of a relationship so soon after Josh, I will self-destruct. So it's the classic Catch 22 situation. I'm afraid to put myself out there to find someone else, yet I'm stuck in the muck of pining and worrying over a guy that is very toxic for me and has obviously moved on.
Fast forward to this past week and Josh is really on mind and on my heart for some reason. Maybe it was because one day I was nearby his university, maybe it was because I realized that it would soon be one whole year since we had seen each other or spoken but whatever the reason, there he was. During this week, I also learned bits and pieces of what had happened last spring through the grapevine. As I figured, he had met another student towards the end of last spring and interestingly enough, after returning to Jersey for the summer, had followed a remarkably similar route to pursuing this guy as he had with me, over the net and on the phone. It worked so well on me, why the hell not? lol. I also learned that this new guy had already cheated on Josh at least twice. All of this made me decide to break down and reach out to Josh again. I wasn't crazy enough to think that he would just fall back into my arms if I was lucky enough to get in touch with him, but I thought maybe this was a chance to reestablish us on somewhat friendly terms. Even after the way he had acted last year, I still didn't really hate him and I thought if I couldn't have him as a lover or boyfriend, I could deal with friendship. I thought of him as a special person and I didn't really want to lose him out of my life if I could help it. One thing you can say about me, I'm consistent.......a consistent fool.
To be continued...
(Sorry guys to cut this off right at this point, but I really have to go and try and do some work. I will return later this evening and tell you about the phone call Josh and I had this weekend and why, instead of somewhat resolving things with him, it left me deeply disturbed that there is more here than just a relationship gone wrong. I believe there is something seriously wrong with him and he's in trouble. That's what I really would appreciate some advice on. Thanks for listening to my ramblings and please feel free to contact if you like.)
