I want sex with guys, relationships with women

[Anon25]

... and not vice versa. I have completely awesome fulfilling sex with guys, and for the most part cannot get it up around women (I have never had an experience where I wasn comfortable and had always had concerns about getting it up overshadow the experience, or in other words, I have never had good chances of having good sex with women).

I am out to close friends, and am very masculine.

It is so emotionally distressing that I cannot get aroused by women, and this basically means I cannot be in a relationship with one, and will not get to love one to the point of marriage, children, grandchildren, and the like.

The idea of doing this with a man is almost repulsive. I know I have underlying homophobia to deal with.

This post is rather open, I would love to see some on topic discussion and answer any other questions / hear advice.

 

[hotatlboi]

How old are you?

Many of us were in that exact place when we were younger, including me.

Eventually you will probably accept relationships with guys as something that can work.

 

[saymyname]

It's definitely just internalized homophobia. You just want relationships with women because you haven't accepted yourself as gay. What is a relationship, anyways? Love, sex, caring for each other, building a life together. You may need to rethink your position on the picket white fence idea of life, but other than that, it doesn't really sound like there's anything in there that you can't do with a guy too. Maybe you're just focusing so much on the sexual aspect of your gay identity that you aren't letting yourself imagine the emotional aspect too.

 

[rareboy]

I know I have underlying homophobia to deal with.

You need to deal with this first.

There is no reason you can't have relationships with women, but it likely can't include sex with men unless she's one cool person and can accept this.

I think you just are stuck with the notion that you should be having relationships with women and just haven't found the kind of guy that you feel a profound emotional and spiritual connection with.

Likely because you have reduced sex to mechanics and the idea that the only purpose to it is orgasm and not intimacy.

You need to work on this.

 

[Lube]

^ Three excellent replies in a row. Read them.

Straight guys are not repulsed by the idea of a relationship wih a man. It just doesn't interest them.

The only people it repulses is closet cases. Think about that.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

I personally want a relationship with a man (and currently HAVE a relationship with a man) because that's what I'm attracted to. That's what I like. It doesn't make any sense for me to get into a relationship with a woman, because that's not something that interests me at all.

You've made it clear that it's guys that turn you on. But you claim you want a relationship with a woman. Why? Finish the sentence. "Although guys turn me on, I want a relationship with a woman because..."

The fact of the matter is, there's nothing you can have in a relationship with a woman that you can't have in a relationship with a guy. There may be obstacles, and things might take more work, but hell - all relationships involve work. If you want a successful job in a prestigious firm, a nice house in the suburbs, a wife, three kids, and a dog...you can have all that as an out gay man. The only difference is your wife is gonna have a penis.

Or you can lie to yourself, and lie to the rest of the world, and force that square peg into the round hole. Find an oblivious woman, force yourself to have sex with you, declare your undying love, and get married. But a lot of JUBbers here have gone that route, and it ain't pretty.

Lex

 

[kissthesky88]

You're obviously young.

The thing you have to realize is that one day, there will come a guy who out-of-nowhere comes into your life. And more than anything else, you're going to want him to stay.

But if you stay in denial like this... he's probably not going to.

 

[slnattak]

It won't work because you're bound to discover feelings for guys you sleep with.

Maybe not though. But Dan Savage fell in love with a hook-up.

What you think you want and what you end up really wanting are usually different things.

I think you're unnecessarily compartmentalizing the gay side of yourself - as if your 'gay side' can't feel love and it's only about an orgasm. And then what happens when you have this emotional relationship with a woman and you meet a guy who you also like, and like to have sex with? Hey, it does happen. You don't have to be idealistic, but I wouldn't recommend cynicism either.

Are you even out to everybody you know?

 

[somedude987]

Same here. Good post and replies.

 

[hotb0d]

work on that homophobia problem of yours and then everything will be clear to you.

My advice for now is to not rush into anything. Figure yourself out first because obviously the "sex with guy-relationship with girl" just not going to fly. You will just crash and burn AND hurt some innocent people in the process.

From reading your post, you made it clear that you are sexually aroused by guys but you want relationships with women....but are you even emotionally attract to them? Do you any any types of attraction to women whatsoever?

I might be tired and cranky today but when I read your post and you said, "...am very masculine", I must say: physical masculine doesn't make you a strong person. It is not in anyways an indication that you are immuned from being physically and emotionally attract to guys. It is a useless exterior. I even dare to say, you are weak. Weak of the mind and the soul.

 

[Abel245]

Wow. really helpful post to everyone who isn't out yet. Thanks JUB!

 

[ucfknight12]

That was a major thing I thought about before I came out... what about marriage? What about children? Once you start accepting the fact that you are gay, you will understand that it will be easier for you to accept the fact that maybe you CAN have a relationship with a guy and that you CAN either adopt kids or find a surrogate.

I know this may be personal but are you religious? (You don't have to answer) I was religious (well I still am) and that was my biggest problem with coming terms to being gay.

Hope this helped

 

[cinnamontea]

normally, i would diss the other posters and preach about diversity and embracing bisexuality,...but the op did mention he's not aroused by women...that means you're gay...

perhaps seeking counsel to sort out your feelings first and decide what is it you need in your life?

 

[boiseboy]

Hey man, if you ever want to talk to someone about this with recent first hand experience with feelings like this, then feel free to PM me or ask for my email or anything. I'm a comfortable bi and just last year I was in the same exact shoes as you. Repulsed at the idea with a relationship with a guy, only wanting sex. I'd use girls in relationships but I wouldn't want to get intimate that much because i get bored with girls faster than men.

Recently i've been growing more comfortable with the idea with a relationship with a man, and the sexual side of women relationships as well. I'm still working on it, but I've really changed this last year.

Edit: Oh and I'd like to mention, there was a time when I was repulsed and not aroused by women at all. I'm not saying I changed who I was, but I think i was feeling animosity about myself which fucked with my feelings.