If Online Dating is a Indication...

[erobert]

Things to come with offline dating then it might be more of the same.

I've been testing the waters with online dating for the past year to see what to expect when I make the leap into offline dating (which I still have no clue about)

I'm getting the sense there's a lot of browsing and shopping going on but not a lot of talking and interacting. This seems to be the case online and off, which can be a problem.


Also, guys will message you and you'll send a nice message back introducing yourself but I'll never hear back from most of them...

You try to setup a meeting with them but they're always busy or won't make the time for coffee or something.

Or in the case that a date does happen I'll only go on 1 or 2 and then they'll go MIA. I know I'm at least a decent person who has things to offer in a relationship- it's just that no one else knows this. At least that seems to be the case with the guys I've met online.

It almost seems like the internet gives them an added excuse to be flaky or not return a message. Or maybe it's just the type of guys who are drawn to online dating...

I'm getting a little frustrated and am getting concerned if I'll ever find someone at this rate. Why is it so hard to find that guy? Especially in NYC?

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get that off my shoulders.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK slow down. Change your focus. Instead of looking for Prince Charming, start looking for guys you cn hang out and have a good time with even if you never see them again.

It's been my experience that guys can smell the expectations and if you give off an odor of interviewing them for forever right upfront they'll usually run.

 

[navigaytion]

OK slow down. Change your focus. Instead of looking for Prince Charming, start looking for guys you cn hang out and have a good time with even if you never see them again.

No. Maybe he doesn't want that, or even need it. He shouldn't have to change his focus and be more shallow in his pursuits just because he's dealing with flaky men.

It's been my experience that guys can smell the expectations and if you give off an odor of interviewing them for forever right upfront they'll usually run.

Then that says everything about them and nothing about the other person.

 

[navigaytion]

Things to come with offline dating then it might be more of the same.

I've been testing the waters with online dating for the past year to see what to expect when I make the leap into offline dating (which I still have no clue about)

I'm getting the sense there's a lot of browsing and shopping going on but not a lot of talking and interacting. This seems to be the case online and off, which can be a problem.


Also, guys will message you and you'll send a nice message back introducing yourself but I'll never hear back from most of them...

You try to setup a meeting with them but they're always busy or won't make the time for coffee or something.

Or in the case that a date does happen I'll only go on 1 or 2 and then they'll go MIA. I know I'm at least a decent person who has things to offer in a relationship- it's just that no one else knows this. At least that seems to be the case with the guys I've met online.

It almost seems like the internet gives them an added excuse to be flaky or not return a message. Or maybe it's just the type of guys who are drawn to online dating...

I'm getting a little frustrated and am getting concerned if I'll ever find someone at this rate. Why is it so hard to find that guy? Especially in NYC?

Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get that off my shoulders.

It seems you've already figured it out based on what's written above, which is pretty accurate. I would definitely advise you to look elsewhere if you're looking for something serious.

 

[TX-Beau]

No. Maybe he doesn't want that, or even need it. He shouldn't have to change his focus and be more shallow in his pursuits just because he's dealing with flaky men.



Then that says everything about them and nothing about the other person.

Oh come on. What he's doing is not working. In fact the whole shallow thing came from you

 

[TX-Beau]

No. Maybe he doesn't want that, or even need it. He shouldn't have to change his focus and be more shallow in his pursuits just because he's dealing with flaky men.



Then that says everything about them and nothing about the other person.

Oh come on. What he's doing is not working. In fact there's nothing "shallow" about having a good time with a fun guy even if it never goes anywhere. Guys want to be around guys who are pleasant to be around, not guys who you suspect are constantly mentally toting up evaluations about you in the Prince Charming sweepstakes.

Expecting that every guy you go out with must be a candidate for the "one," is not only self defeating it's unrealistic in the extreme, and that says more about you than it does the other guy.

 

[treanir]

In the wonderful world of online dating you need to wade through a lot of shit to find the diamond. There are a lot of flakes, idiots, fuckwits and liars out there, and that's excluding the ones who are only looking for a hole to fill. It's a numbers game, pure and simple. And the truth is that the numbers are stacked against you. But it's possible. I know quite a few people who found their current partner online. You won't have to shift focus, but do realise that most of the men on the dating sites only want one thing, and it's not a wedding ring!

Same thing goes for bars. Gay social groups tend to have a higher hit rate. It's New York, so there are plenty of groups where you can get to know a group of guys through a mutual interest. And because there's not such a big emphasis on sex, and because you won't be there just to find Mr. Right, it's a lot easier to make genuine friends and find romance.

Everything works, but some things work more than others.

 

[vidarr]

It's possible to find quality guys online.

Have you tried widening your search to people outside your city?
Maybe even outside your state? (my guy lives thousands of miles away haha)


How important is finding Mr. Right for you in your life?

TX is right in some ways.. You need to surround yourself with people who think like you, and who want relationships like you. That may mean going on a lot of dates that lead no where.. But thats part of the fun. Go on them without expectations. Cause nothing is worse than being on a date with an insecure guy.. Find new people, interact, figure out what makes them interesting.

Good luck!

 

[midnight81]

As someone who is also in NYC and has been trying my hand at online dating for many, many years, I completely understand how you feel, erobert. I've dealt with the same crap. Ignored completely by most guys I message, sent 1-2 messages by guys who lose interest for no apparent reason, go on a date or two with guys who act like they are completely smitten and then disappear (again for no apparent reason), and even got pretty far with one guy before he revealed himself to be completely out of his mind crazy. And you start thinking to yourself...what is wrong with me that I can't find a decent guy who wants to be with me? What is wrong with THE WORLD that I can't find a decent guy who wants to be with me?

I wish I wasn't anonymous on here. I'd say we should meet for coffee, even if it was just to make friends and chat about our mutual experiences in the dating world. I'm also wondering if we've ever passed each other like two ships in the night on the dating sites. Which ones are you using?

 

[navigaytion]

Oh come on. What he's doing is not working. In fact there's nothing "shallow" about having a good time with a fun guy even if it never goes anywhere.

To me, that's shallow. It's a superficial experience that has no real investment.

Guys want to be around guys who are pleasant to be around, not guys who you suspect are constantly mentally toting up evaluations about you in the Prince Charming sweepstakes.

Not all guys think this way, it's just that most of them, unfortunately, do. But that doesn't make it OK. The only guys who would be concerned about what you've said here, are people who are shallow and flaky to begin with.

Expecting that every guy you go out with must be a candidate for the "one," is not only self defeating it's unrealistic in the extreme, and that says more about you than it does the other guy.

You're right. It says that someone may have a focus and an ideal, as well as standards, rather than someone who just wants to go with the flow and accept whatever comes with it. People are built differently, and it's not self-defeating to believe in things. It's just that most guys don't.

 

[altlover85]

I think it's fine to have standards and things that you want in a boyfriend/partner/husband. But the key is to not get so hung up on those things that you miss out on a great guy because he doesn't fit every item on your list.

 

[TX-Beau]

To me, that's shallow. It's a superficial experience that has no real investment.

Well then most of your life is shallow since I sincerely doubt that evey interaction you ever have is deeply moving and deeply philosophical that touches you deeply.

Come on. Why is it shallow? Why is it superficial? Why?

Not all guys think this way, it's just that most of them, unfortunately, do. But that doesn't make it OK. The only guys who would be concerned about what you've said here, are people who are shallow and flaky to begin with.

Nice name calling there. You don't know if any of the guys who don't want to date you are shallow or not, you didn't get to know them because obviously they weren't deeply moving and deeply philosophical that touched you deeply. All you're doing is tossing around massive assumptions and value judgments.

You're right. It says that someone may have a focus and an ideal, as well as standards, rather than someone who just wants to go with the flow and accept whatever comes with it. People are built differently, and it's not self-defeating to believe in things. It's just that most guys don't.

There are standards and then there is nit picking. I guarantee you that a ton of those guys out there who "go with the flow," are usually - if they are single simply not averse to dating a guy long term if an attractive opportunity presents itself.

Just because the guys you might run across don't want to date you, doesn't mean they won't date anyone, and if they don't want to get to know you - that doesn't a priori make them "shallow" - and if every guy you come across you exclude for one reason or another, that's not standards. That's self sabotage. There are a ton of guys out there who won't date any of us for one reason or another, and a bunch who will.

What you are proposing as an either/or situation simply isn't.

 

[Rolyo85]

As usual, I have to side with TX on this one. What he says may sound a little cynical, but it's the truth - every social environment and situation have their own rules, and there is nothing wrong with the "fewer expectations" approach when it comes to online dating. Also, in my experience, simply having fun and not expecting deep meaningful shut out of an interaction is only shallow if you're generally a shallow person. There is real value in almost anything - you just gotta have the right outlook.

 

[navigaytion]

Well then most of your life is shallow since I sincerely doubt that evey interaction you ever have is deeply moving and deeply philosophical that touches you deeply.

Yes, it may be, but I work to make it less shallow by recognizing it and not pursuing what you recommend or accepting it just cause.

Come on. Why is it shallow? Why is it superficial? Why?

I already told you. There's no investment, and its fleeting. If you're interested in monogamy and something lasting, then yes, a fun, temporary experience with a guy, with no promise or even acknowledgment that it could be more, is shallow.

Nice name calling there. You don't know if any of the guys who don't want to date you are shallow or not, you didn't get to know them because obviously they weren't deeply moving and deeply philosophical that touched you deeply. All you're doing is tossing around massive assumptions and value judgments.

They didn't get to know me because they were shallow and flaky. They're the ones who made the decision (based on the scenario you set up) to back out and get turned off due to their own insecurity and superficiality with the idea of monogamy and going steady. I can't be held responsible for that. Why would I get to know someone if we aren't on the same initial page about what we both want?

There are standards and then there is nit picking. I guarantee you that a ton of those guys out there who "go with the flow," are usually - if they are single simply not averse to dating a guy long term if an attractive opportunity presents itself.

"Attractive opportunity?" NO. Either you are interested in monogamy and geared toward that, or you're not. Anything else is a shallow excuse and irrelevant. It's really that simple.

Just because the guys you might run across don't want to date you, doesn't mean they won't date anyone, and if they don't want to get to know you - that doesn't a priori make them "shallow" - and if every guy you come across you exclude for one reason or another, that's not standards. That's self sabotage. There are a ton of guys out there who won't date any of us for one reason or another, and a bunch who will.

I didn't say anything about nit-picking or excluding anyone based on standards. The topic we are discussing is dating exclusively with an interest in the long-term vs. just having fun and going with the flow. That is the "standard" and that's all we're discussing. I didn't state anything else.

And I didn't say anything about them not wanting to date me. Where are you getting this? The whole point is the issue YOU raised about them being flaky and backing out if they're sized up and judged too quickly as "the one." You're the person who arranged that scenario, and I am telling you how I would respond to their behavior in that case.

What you are proposing as an either/or situation simply isn't.

It completely is. It's just not for you. And that's fine. I guess I know what kind of person that makes you.

 

[Seasoned]

Boys, boys, boys, the Op wants help, not a fight among responders. Please keep that in mind otherwise some of the messages will be edited. This is a no flame zone.

 

[TX-Beau]

I think that depends on your context. Online - yeah, it's also populated with guys that are closeted and lying to their wives guys who are playing games and have no intentions of actually meeting anyone, guys who are not who they say they are and any number of variants thereof. There are also nice enough guys who are really only interested in getting off.

Which is why I favor the meat world. If you have to actually go a gay venue to meet some guys that self selects out a lot of the guys with issues and you can actually see what you're getting into. Plus there is a whole world of non verbal communication you simply can't get through pixels.

Plus you choose the venue, be it a gay sports club or the queer lovers of french poetry society.

In any event, Spendng all of your time looking for a "relationship" isn't really all that fulfilling is it.

Why not spend the time building the life you want while putting yourself in path of as many gay men of all kinds as possible - in real time. You meet enough guys, make enough friends and I guarantee you you will run across someone you like.

 

[maxer343]

It’s been seven years now – a 110 acre farm (I never thought I would leave the city or own something with someone else) and my being able to retire (though I thought I would work less physically.) I met him on-line; I guess it works.

 

[HunterM]

Which is why I favor the meat world. If you have to actually go a gay venue to meet some guys that self selects out a lot of the guys with issues and you can actually see what you're getting into. Plus there is a whole world of non verbal communication you simply can't get through pixels.

Plus you choose the venue, be it a gay sports club or the queer lovers of french poetry society.

In any event, Spendng all of your time looking for a "relationship" isn't really all that fulfilling is it.

Why not spend the time building the life you want while putting yourself in path of as many gay men of all kinds as possible - in real time. You meet enough guys, make enough friends and I guarantee you you will run across someone you like.

Excellent point!

Focus on making new friends. Networking never hurts. Learn a new hobby. Join a dining group (a gay dining group). Organize events among friends. The more you do...the more interesting you will become...the more people you'll meet...the more you will get to talk about among friends/family/dates.

Here are some suggestions:

• Are you a fun person to be around? If you don't think so, learn about traits of someone you would love to hang around most of the time. Adopt some of those traits.
• Are you serious most of the time? If you are, don't take life and yourself too seriously. Learn to lighten up with a sense of humor. Learn to crack jokes in most situations.
• Do you initiate conversations most of the time? Are you able to talk to a stranger on the street? If not, learn how to pick a general topic and carry a conversation with strangers. Practice it on someone standing in the same grocery line as you.
• What are you bringing to the table if you are in a relationship? What can you offer to your potential date?
• If you are in a relationship, are you the type of person that waits for things to happen? Wait for others to make the first move? Wait for others to follow up? If you are, be the one to make the first move. Be the one to follow up. Be a leader.

I love going on dates even if they don't result in relationships. I love meeting new people...getting to know them...and sometimes...the different personalities on the same date. Those are funny stories to tell among friends

Life can be funny!

 

[TheOscar]

Online dating does seem to attract those type of people more. But I haven't really had experience with that, as I'm not looking into that now or won't anytime soon. I recommend you do look for some sort of group hang outs where things are more casual and people know there's no expectations from just hanging out. You can make friends there and that could branch out to meeting a romantic partner.

 

[erobert]

Thanks all for your input and advice.

Here are some suggestions:

• Are you a fun person to be around? If you don't think so, learn about traits of someone you would love to hang around most of the time. Adopt some of those traits.
• Are you serious most of the time? If you are, don't take life and yourself too seriously. Learn to lighten up with a sense of humor. Learn to crack jokes in most situations.
• Do you initiate conversations most of the time? Are you able to talk to a stranger on the street? If not, learn how to pick a general topic and carry a conversation with strangers. Practice it on someone standing in the same grocery line as you.
• What are you bringing to the table if you are in a relationship? What can you offer to your potential date?
• If you are in a relationship, are you the type of person that waits for things to happen? Wait for others to make the first move? Wait for others to follow up? If you are, be the one to make the first move. Be the one to follow up. Be a leader.

I love going on dates even if they don't result in relationships. I love meeting new people...getting to know them...and sometimes...the different personalities on the same date. Those are funny stories to tell among friends

Thanks for these suggestions, this is something I should be working on first instead of looking for a potential BF. Afterall I still haven't made many friends here after a year; guess I'm not meeting enough people.

Friends first, lovers later or however the saying goes. I also do need to practice being more social and improving my social skills- still trying to shake my shyness after all these years.

I guess it all comes down to being patient and being in the right place at the right time. I've been thinking of joining Meetup.com to meet more people but haven't heard that many great things about that site. I might join gym as it's no secret a lot of healthy minded guys go there to make gym buddies.

I've been a bit passive about meeting new people up until a couple of months ago. It's time to be a little more proactive with meeting new people (probably by being more outgoing). Chance meetings and such are best left to Hollywood, very rarely do you meet even a good friend going about your daily tasks because most people aren't in the mindset of looking to make a new friend or find a BF when out and about, if that makes any sense.

midnight81, that's very nice of you, thanks for the offer. I've cast my net wide online I'm on: OKCupid, Dlist, realjock (mostly for their fitness info though), Connexion... take your pick.