If there are others who have OCD / anxiety disorder / obsessive unwanted thoughts, please reply....

[ChickenGuy]

....just to tell me right now that I'm not the only one that has to deal with it and suffer through unbelievably unpleasant thoughts in its forcefully severe phases.

(yes I'm afraid I'm going through a particularly bad period right now/last few days)

It's way too embarrassing and shameful for me to ever to disclose fully on a forum - I've never even discussed it in real life with anyone. Given what's just occurred this last week, that's going to have to change.

Don't you love it when you desperately want to just to talk to ANYONE you're that upset, and you find it's a Saturday night, you don't want to burden your father knowing how bad he'd feel, your text your only friend but he's out and gives a glib response, no contact number for the therapist, no reply from the assistant - now it's Sunday, no reply from anyone - you don't want to bother anyone further - ugh.

Please don't worry about me - I've put up with it to varying degrees for 11 years and counting, it's just that this last one really took the biscuit for being especially cruel and almost calculated and vindictive against me.

Now I'll have you all concerned about me, lol. I assure you I've gone through it all before. Plus I'm sure that since I sent an e-mail off to the therapist that I'll get a reply probably tomorrow.

All I wish to know is that there ARE actually OTHERS on this forum with OCD of this specific type (uncontrolled obsessive worrying/anxiety based on spontaneous and often either ridiculous, laughable, or more often dark, thoughts, possibly along with badly-thought out planning and decision-making) and that they've found ways of controlling and handling the whole thing.

Thanks.

 

[palbert]

I tried to cope with panic attacks and social anxiety disorder for years, even decades. I finally found a therapist who worked wonders, and with the help of meds (which I eventually weaned off of), got it under control so I could live a fairly normal life. With applying yourself there is hope.

I have to note you have just toured Bremen and environs. How were you able to undertake that?

 

[bankside]

What would you say to someone who opened up to you about similar issues?

And, do you find this comes and goes? If so, anything stand out as to why?

 

[ChickenGuy]

I have to note you have just toured Bremen and environs. How were you able to undertake that?

The inescapable conclusion is that the holiday exacerbated the OCD - which I don't understand because I was away twice last year and although I admit there were minor issues and days with one of them, there was NOTHING as major or as bad as what just occurred.

It's unbelievably frustrating. I wanted and envisaged a nice pleasant holiday - and don't get me wrong, the city, the sights, the people - they were all great - but I simply couldn't properly enjoy it. What happens instead? Your own mind goes to war against you from day one, and it becomes a lesson in psychological torture and endurance - your OCD completely ruins the experience and turns it into a disaster. I'm afraid my Hot Topics picture thread tells a purposefully misleading story - that was my 'brave face' on it all. The entire holiday was spoiled - caused by my own mind.

What happened last night was the worst experience since 2008/2009 before I left home. Five days of sheer stress I never desired or wanted, and I come in the door back to the apartment. About 10 minutes of mulling around, a bit of a start on the unpacking, then I check my pockets and I pull out a few crumpled-up receipts for things. I read things like 'sandwich' and 'crepe' - and I suddenly see me envisaging myself, a sad lonely figure sat at a table with a snack at Victoria railway Station in London that evening - his bags around him and his holiday that turned into hidden mental suffering.

I broke down in tears, twice, tried to text my friend, no reply, tried to text the therapist's assistant, no reply. Must have been a pitiful sight, me bawling with my suitcase and laptop on the floor. Really just wanted my friend to hug me then. All I got back from him was 'am out xxx'

In 11 years this was the first time my OCD caused me to break down like this. I wouldn't be making a thread about it otherwise. Compounding this is that I want to speak to someone but there's no-one. So the last resort (after much indecision) was to just tell the whole thing on here. Damn hours seem like days right now.

I should never have been sticking my head in the sand and hiding my problems and issues for this long. The OCD (and the Aspergers for that matter) have gone untreated, unmedicated, untalked about, all my life. That's the stigma of being brought up on an island where these things weren't talked about and were brushed away and hidden.

 

[bankside]

As much as I'd agree with managing OCD with any relevant medical intervention, some of life's issues are common and must be faced regardless. I'd suggest remembering that too and asking how others have dealt with similar situations and emotions, even if their neuroanatomy is different (as it is inevitably in each of us).

The fears you talk about are common, though the way your brain processes them may not be. I take it OCD expresses itself for you by your mind coming to rest on a negative emotion?

BTW, I think my guy has characteristics of OCD; it's an interesting topic to me.

 

[palbert]

CG, first I think you should ask this be moved to Health.

I almost cried reading your last post. I am so familiar with having what should be an enjoyable time ruined by "the mind."

I would ask if your therapist is right for you. If I correctly recall you just relocated to Brighton. In that event your relationship with the therapist is fairly new. If it is not a right fit act now to get one with whom you can work. Also, make it perfectly clear that you need meds and you need them now.

I was fortunate that the best therapist I ever had was a perfect stand-in for my maternal grandfather, whom I always esteemed.

Don't push yourself into "triggering" situations. Begin with small steps, and if you can imagine you are holding the hand of the person you have ever trusted most, try that. The imaginary hand of my grandfather got me thru much.

Please feel free to PM me - or whomever on the site you think might help - for anything you don't want to discuss in a post.

 

[ChickenGuy]

^ My friend phoned me just an hour ago to talk to me - a bit of chit chat - he was out last night - he asked if everything was OK. I was worried about telling him all of it for fear of pushing him away or frightening him off with all my issues.

But I just said it and let it all out to him over the phone, I broke down in tears again - god I'm a complete mess these past 24 hours. He was more wonderful about it than I'd ever have believed. We had a long conversation. Turns out he had OCD as a teenager - never knew that - and he has a book in his house about coping with it - he offered to come over - he'll be round tomorrow. He's such a sweet and empathetic and kind-hearted guy. I'm more grateful to him than he'll ever know.

 

[palbert]

I am so glad you are starting to take these steps. And I am encouraged you have someone who from personal experience can be of assistance.

Reach out. Someone will be there - and here - to help you

 

[PABear]

I had undiagnosed anxiety for YEARS. They kept telling me that it was depression and putting me on anti-depressants. Unfortunately, one of the side effects of the anti-depressants is anxiety. UGH. I spent 4 whole months never sleeping more than 2 hours because the anxiety and nightmares were so bad.

Last summer, I was diagnosed with PTSD as well and I found an excellent PTSD psychologist to help me. We've been working through a lot of PTSD techniques and tools which have helped me a TON. We're also working on EMRD (Eye Movement Rapid Desensitization) which is helping tremendously.

One thing that she recommended (besides my normal anti-anxiety pill) is what she calls a "Valium in the pocket". I have a script for Valium. Its only for a crisis situation, but I have them if I need them. Since I got the prescription, I haven't needed them. But there were a few times before I had the script that I wish I had.

I'd recommend a good psychologist who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It's helped me immensely!

 

[whitedavo]

There are times when I've felt desperately anxious because things were out of my control. I went to Miami recently and obsessed over not having cold water if I wanted to drink it. The whole first day involved me plotting about how to get to a convenience store.

 

[windir]

To answer your question... You're not the only one. I have OCD, BDD, social phobia and depression and to tell you the truth recent times hasn't been great for me either. Hang in there, I know it's hard but all I can say is you're not the only one.

 

[Kulindahr]

Here....

OCD, bipolar I, PTSD, general anxiety disorder, and some others. So I know the score.

Maybe, more substantive comments later.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

You're not alone.

Going on vacation was a huge step most can't force themselves to do. You should give yourself a lot of credit for going through with it. Instead of focusing on the negatives, remind yourself everything you DID accomplish. You went, you got out and saw some sights, you were able to eat out... that's pretty damn major, IMO. I'd find it nearly impossible to do those things by myself.

 

[Kulindahr]

You're not alone.

Going on vacation was a huge step most can't force themselves to do. You should give yourself a lot of credit for going through with it. Instead of focusing on the negatives, remind yourself everything you DID accomplish. You went, you got out and saw some sights, you were able to eat out... that's pretty damn major, IMO. I'd find it nearly impossible to do those things by myself.

Right there is one big reason I have my service dog, Bammer. There are times and places I could not manage alone, but just his presence -- and knowing that he knows how to respond if I do have troubles -- is "armor" against the "harsh world".

I found out recently he doesn't know the difference between a PTSD flashback and a random anxiety attack; to him they're just cases where papa is in trouble and needs his attention.

 

[refujiunderground]

i feel your pain, man. cg, didn't know you had this issue. had the issue since high school and it really was hell trying to control it and snap out of it. it's painful as hell. haven't completely made it out as i'm still trying to fight it BUT it's possible. they say there's no cure BUT i don't believe that shit. there's a way that it can be fixed.

i realize that ocd is pretty much when someone lose hope with life for whatever reason whether it be that they feel they've lost control over everything or things are completely out of their reach and they can't accept it. they end up doing irrational things and behaviors thinking that they have a control of everything where it decreases their anxiety when the problem still remains. the major issue is is that the brain ends up being wired to believe it and when you try to fight against it, it ends up fighting back with more chemicals that cause anxiety where you pretty much will feel like total shit until you give into your obsessions and compulsions. i brought this book about 2 years ago called "stop obsessing". it's a good book. it pretty much breaks down that ocd is pretty much a mental illness that is caused by the brain which somehow becomes screwed up.

you know, i don't know what to tell you, i'm not a professional and i'm still dealing with it even though it's NOT as bad as it was like say 6 months ago. i'm on zoloft even though in a few weeks, i'll be off it forced to fight this. i would say that it's all about facing the fact that we can't control everything. in that "stop obsessing" book, it said something really interesting such as worrying and anxiety is a normal human trait. everybody gets nervous and anxious over something. some more than others. everybody fears losing a loved one, something valuable to them and etc. the thought can go into our heads such as "i'm afraid that my mom might die today" or "my house might burn down". we can do whatever we think is possible such as locking our mothers down in the house or staying around her 24/7 or we can plug everything out in our house BUT truth be told, the house can still burn down anyway or our mothers can drop dead no matter how much we try. we can't spend our lives worrying over things that we have NO control over. it's hard to have that mindset so i guess we have to challenge ourselves to conquer our fears. anytime where we get scared to do something out of fear that we might cause something bad to happen and it's NOT logical or rational, we should go against the grain and do that behavior. you know, test ourselves and realize that there's nothing wrong with just washing our hands once, checking the stove once, not stepping over stairs two or three steps @ a time, drinking tea, coffee or whatever, driving to somewhere on a certain day at a certain time in the week and etc. you know, we don't have to let our worries and anxious control our lives where we're in total control of them. if there's a will, there's a way.

for about how many years, i was SCARED to drink tea, put lotion on my feet, and close my curtains because i felt that i could control the world around me and myself. i wasted a lot of time doing that shit. i used to spend my whole night looking up at the clock, having to listen to this song, having to do this, that and whatever thinking that i could CONTROL everything, get this guy to like me or end up dating this guy, that i could get all the questions and worries that i had about life figured out through doing this, that and the fifth. i thought i could use the last word in a sentence or the last digit of a digital clock to get life the way i wanted to. at the same time, i had allowed myself to become a slave where i wouldn't do shit. i literally gave control of my life to my obsessions and compulsions. the ssri, zoloft in this case, helped me to see how far gone i was. i was FAR gone. so far gone that i literally fucked over myself and gave up many opportunities simply trying to make my anxieties go away. i know that it's probably going to be with me for the rest of my life BUT you know what, i have confidence that I WILL BEAT THIS OCD BULLSHIT. i will be normal again. i know it's possible to beat it even though there hasn't been any human being that has been able to do so as far as i know or what they say.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Admitting to yourself in all honesty that you have a problem is a HUGE step... at least it was for me, instead of denying to myself that I was "broken". See If you can set aside a rational part of yourself that will argue with the irrational side.

I taught myself to listen to the rational side, and instead of, "OMG - What IF...A,B,C,D,... happens???", now it's more "Just do it... if something happens, you'll deal with it AS it happens."

 

[ChickenGuy]

Thanks for all the replies on here from everyone.

My mood is still very low. On the positive side, when I saw my therapist on Thursday, I was able to tell him ALL that happened - despite it being acutely embarrassing. That was actually the first time I said the worst of it to ANYONE since it all began in 2002. I'm seeing him again tomorrow. The book my friend brought over helped too. I just wish some of the changes and progress in my life (not just of this week but of the last three years) would actually lift my mood, but it rarely ever does. That may point to depression. I'm sure it'll take years, but maybe it'll be different one day.