If your're a nerd and you know it, clap your hands!....

[JOHN B]

Yep, I'm a nerd. I have tried many times over my 40 years (O.K. Damn it!--41!) to try to change, but I always revert, and now over the last few years I have come to accept it. When I was younger my family moved around a lot. And each time I ended up in a new school, in a new town, I told myself---"this time I'm going to be cool!" "this time people will like me!" "I WON"T be picked on anymore because I will fight back!" (plus, since they will LIKE me, they won't PICK on me anymore!) ----Yeah, RRRIIIIIIIGHHHT. Different setting, same JOHN. I was nervous, high strung, socially inept, as a child. I am nervous, high strung, socially inept, as an adult. At least I'm consistent.

When I went to college, I thought "I'm an adult now, I'll change". Nope. I was still a loner with no social skills. To this day I have not kept in touch with one person from college (let alone high school). In college I tried at first to "click" with the other guys. It didn't help that I was gay, and even though I was not "OUT of the closet" I was not "IN the closet". Like now, I don't brag about my sexuality to everyone I meet, but I don't hide it either. Though, during my first year of college I avoided other guys when they were talking about "the hot chicks they wanted to fuck" because I did not want them to ask ME which girl I liked. I did try to change a bit to fit in, but it just came across weird and made me appear even MORE awkward. I tried to tell crude jokes (which I am actually good at now, in a gay setting) , or use their slang, or butt in on their group hangouts in their dorm rooms,----but it just came across so phony. After a short time I was back to being nervous, high strung, and back to being a loner. As I said, I did not make ONE friend in college that I stayed in touch with afterwards.
So, for MANY years I HATED myself. Not for being gay, but for being so, uglystupidmoronicunlovable, that I could not meet anyone as a friend, let alone a BOYfriend. I even jumped into a relationship with someone else who was just as nerdy and insecure as I was just to make that connection with someone. That was the wrong relationship for both of us, and I ended up hurting him deeply when I left.
Finally a few years ago I stopped trying to hide or fight my nerdiness and started accepting it---even relishing it!. YES I talk too much, sounding like that girl from those American Pie movies sometimes. YES, I am pretty high strung, and will probably stop being high strung only after my first fatal heart attack. YES I have an odd sense of humor, which many times gets me in trouble because it comes out of my mouth without first entering my brain. YES I would rather spend an evening reading or (looking at porn--just kidd'n,--ok, maybe not)) on my computer rather than go out to a bar and "socialize". This is me, and I have become much more confident in the past few years because I have finally accepted it. When trying to make friends (which is happening more often, but still not as much as I'd like it to) I let them know that "this is me", and that, sure, it will take them a while to get adjusted to who I am; but if they stick around thru it, they will find that they have an intelligent, funny, caring, friend on their hands that they will probably have trouble getting rid of, (if they should ever be that stupid).
So guys, I'm Here, I'm Queer, I'm Very Very Nerdy, GET USE TO IT!