I'm gay.. but!

[LynxHeliFlyer]

So im gay, ive known for years but i'm still in the closet (only about 10 ppl know) but i'm pretty attractive, i guess ive really bloomed in the last couple of years and girls have been giving me more attention and expect more attention back.

the relationship i'm asking for advice about is with a girl, we'll call her lex. So lex is a junior and im a senior in high school. i'm not a "popular" kid in school. i hang out with the smarter kids--typically not in the "popular group" lol-- and have never had a girlfriend/boyfriend. She's in the group of "hot girls" in her grade so it's that scene keep in mind. so me and lex went on a 10 person trip in the beginning of the summer and we got pretty close, everyone thought we hooked up while we were alone (didn;t) and she slept on my shoulder on the plane ride back. and we've been hanging out more lately. she's really easy to talk to and i really do enjoy spending time with her. and we hung out with my friend and her "hot girls" group. so lex's friends know that she is interested in me and after meeting me, they texted her and told her that they approve of her decision to date me if she so chooses.

so lex, my guy friend and i saw a movie last night and we (lex and i) were flirting the entire time. I know i shouldn't (it just fuels this fire) but it's fun and i like it. we rested our heads on eachothers shoulders during the movie for a bit and were talking the whole time. it was a great time i really enjoyed it and i wanna do it again, the thing is i think she really likes me and wants to bring our relationship to the next level and i sorta want to too b/c i enjoy being with her but im GAY!

i know im gay but i just sometimes picture myself kissing her and dont mind the thought. (not urges-- i have those for guys, with lex it's less powerful) i dont know what to do, im not attracted to girls at all like i am guys but i'm ok with the thought of hooking up with her.. i dont want to make her sad by like letting her down (i hate doing that--i've done it to like 5 girls so far, it sucks) butt i dont know if i can trust her with my secret b/c she's in the popular high school group where they dont keep secrets and tell their best friends everything. but i still wanna be friends with her.

i dont know if i should just be friends with her, hook up and sorta date her or come out to her and be friends with her,.

but if i hook up with her im just digging myself a bigger hole

 

[lonnie1]

I'm not sure how to advise you, but I do agree with you that if you come out to her, she will tell everyone. I guess if you want to enjoy your senior year as an in-the-closet person, you might consider hooking up with her. Are you being pressured to do this? If not, just tell her you believe sex is for the one you're going to marry and hold off. Next year when you all go away to college you can come out to her and others and start living your life, without living a lie. You'll be glad you did. I spent 30 years in the closet. It takes a big toll on your life to live a lie that long, but, I suspect if you come out, you will spend a horrible last year in high school.

 

[hotb0d]

heheh you're so fucked. If you want to save yourself from coming out too early than I advise you to shut this girl down. Come up with an excuse so that you guys will only be friends. I mean if she's a nice girl, she will take it as it is and won't question. If she starts to question why you don't want to date her, the skeleton in the closet might pop out. So do tread carefully, one wrong move could cost you. I don't think you should date her just because you have this itsby bitsy feeling for her. It's okay for gay guys to imagine kissing girls, I know I had but it stopped there. Dating her means you will have to get emotionally involve and sex will come. If you are up for all of that then maybe you're not gay, you could be bi for just a closeted straight.

And if you feel that this girl will be a good friend to keep around then maybe coming out to her won't be so bad. It will be a risk you have to take. Just tell her to keep it a secret? It's all up to you and how comfortable you are with your sexuality.

 

[spiralgary]

bisexuality exists have you ever thought about that?

 

[G-Lexington]

Let me state right off the bat that I'm not the OP's girlfriend-not-girlfriend.

Do I think you're bi? No. I mean, I can picture kissing some of my straight female friends (in fact, I HAVE kissed several of them), and it's not a horrible thought. It just isn't the same feeling I get when I kiss a guy. And I think you're in the same boat.

What do you do? I'd say if you really care for her, you tell her that dating her isn't going to be in the cards. You don't have to tell her you're gay, but you do need to really define your relationship with her as a "good friend". Otherwise, she'll keep hinting or nudging or suggesting. And you can't string her on forever. Best if you can perhaps do something together (alone), and tell her. "You know, I'm getting a lot of signals that maybe you and I should become an item. But honestly, I just don't feel that way about you. I really like you, and I love hanging out with and being your friend, and I've tried pushing myself in that direction, but I'm afraid it just isn't happening."

Lex

 

[boiseboy]

Dude, date her. Well, I'm bi so the idea sounds good to me.

But I dont know, I kind of believe love has no boundaries. Unless the thought of being with a girl revolts you, i say go for it.

 

[Esquire0399]

I understand your situaton completely and, in fact, I dealt with a very similar situation just a few months ago (I had a thread here about it). From my experience, I can tell you that it's very easy to become emotionally attached to a girl even knowing you're gay, but that it's very hard to make yourself feel the physical attraction required to carry on a relationship. I found myself constantly conflicted with the fact that, while I cared about her very much, she was simply not a man. In the end the whole thing just fell apart in probably the most messy way possible.

I recommend to you that if you are absolutely sure that you are gay, and not bi, cut this off now. This way you will save yourself, and lex, the pain and disappointment that is sure to come when the relationship doesn't work out. BTW, coming out to her is ONLY a good idea if you are ready to be outted. Girls that belong to groups like the one lex is a part of tend to be born without the "I-can-keep-a-secret" gene.

Remember, do what feels right to YOU. Good luck with this whole thing!

 

[Lube]

I agree with everyone here who said DON'T DO IT! (Yes, I'm yelling)

Huge mistake.

You may love her, but you're not in love with her (not in any sexual way). Big difference.

But by snuggling up with her, multiple times, you really dug yourself a big, big hole.

No matter what excuse you give her (and others), she's either going to hate you (because suddenly you don't want to take it to the next level when everything has been going so well), or they're all going to suspect you're gay (who wouldn't want to go out with that sexy girl?).

Not much you can do about it. How liberal is your school? Are there several 'out' gay kids? Outing yourself may be the best choice.

Good luck.

 

[TX-Beau]

No matter what excuse you give her (and others), she's either going to hate you (because suddenly you don't want to take it to the next level...

Or worse, the op will run off as soon as some hot guy who turns his crank crosses his path.

Do not make promises - verbal or otherwise, to people you can't keep.

Anyway this sounds like you're in the phase where you're mourning for you lost heterosexuality. That's normal, just don't pull anyone into it with you.

 

[Pringle]

Anyway this sounds like you're in the phase where you're mourning for you lost heterosexuality. That's normal, just don't pull anyone into it with you.

^That's the thing right there.

Not that I am innocent of this very sin - but I do regret it and I did have the guts to end things before they went too far. So I agree - DON'T DO IT. Coming out is not an easy thing to deal with - but its not everyone elses fault and you already know how it feels to let girls down.

I mean - 5 times already !!!!!

"A true mistake is one from which you learn nothing"

A) Best case scenario - you make it clear that it will not go any further and you remain friends.

B) Possible scenario - you make it clear that it will not go any further and she decides not to stay friends with you.

C) Worst case scenario - you take it further - and you let "another" girl down and she (and her so called popular mates) hate you for it.

D) Possible scenario - you take it further - you eventually come out and she becomes your best friend and you start a sitcom series called Will and Grace.

If you are asking the audience then I vote for A (only because D is unlikely)

 

[headrushboy]

No one likes to be lead on, so just be careful that you aren't giving mixed signals.

If she tries to take it further and you aren't open to that you should let her know " we're just friends". It's painful but it's honest.

 

[Lube]

You seem to be a latent bisexual and unaware of it on a conscious level (your post tells me that). You can however still be flirtatious yet sexually indifferent to women

If you're sexually indifferent to women, you are not a bisexual. You are a homosexual. Otherwise known as gay.

 

[Lube]

Yeah. Not what I meant, I meant he can be homosexual and flirtatious with women. Guess I should have made a second paragraph for that comment.

Oh, I get you now. Thanks for clarifying.