I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick...

[1David1]

So... I have no gay friends or straight friends that would go to a gay club/bar with me. I haven't socialized with gay guys except for a few online meetings that did absolutely nothing to me. There's like no thrill when I meet someone from the internet. I think the old fashioned way is better.

It sucks to be like that at 20. The problem is that I have some anxiety in general, nothing I'd take medication for but something that can hold me back at times. I decided to stop whining and go to a gay club on my own and meet people there. In fact, I canceled all my plans for the weekend just so I could go. And now that it's about to happen, it's like I'm getting a dose of reality (or mindless anxiety) because going all on your own is hard -- especially when you're introverted, anxious and don't feel that great. That won't change though so postponing this week's plans isn't gonna do me any good because the same reasons will still be there.

I know there's a similar topic on this page about going out alone, but I wanted some tips on how to relax or what to do in this particular case and didn't want to take over the other guy's thread. I need some encouragement even if it's just online, because it won't come from any other place. I know I have to go because I'll hate myself if I don't but I want to be encouraged and actually enjoy it.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

A few things to say.

First off, go. Have a good time. Look for other solos, say hi, introduce yourself. If they respond positively, keep talking. If not, smile and move on. It happens. Remember that everybody at that club - from the quietest mouse to the biggest flirt - is just a big bundle of nerouses and baggage dolled up in some nice clothes. Just like you.

Secondly, there seems to be this belief that the only way gays can ever meet others is via a craigslist hook-up or at a gay club. I'm not knocking either of those, but that list is by no means complete. I won't list any here, because they'll depend on your personality and whatnot. But don't feel that "going to the club solo" is your only option.

Lex

 

[1David1]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

I was going to say... there aren't much alternatives around here (I've tried what I could) and I don't want to limit myself based on what I see now which is probably close minded. I'm not crazy about clubs and I'm probably gonna be awkward from the moment I walk in and go straight to the bathroom or a couch, but still I want to meet people. I say this like I'm convincing myself, like I literally don't know what to do tomorrow. Sigh.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

Make a deal with yourself. Tell yourself you'll strike up a conversation with at least two (or three) people. Yes, it'll be awkward. Very few people are totally smooth at meeting new people, especially in unfamiliar surroundings. But most solos will be happy you made the effort, because it means they don't have to.

Lex

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

Going into a gay bar with all the pressure you've put on yourself to meet other gay people is not a good idea. By all means go to the bar, but focus on enjoying yourself. Grab a drink, people watch, dance. If you happen to strike up a conversation with somebody interesting, great, but don't feel like you've failed if you don't. If you're the anxious, introverted type it'll probably just cause you more grief to force yourself to talk to somebody then you'll either beat yourself up when the conversation peters out or when you don't actually get up the courage to talk to people.

Bars are really not the greatest place to meet other people. Have you explored other volunteer and social outlets in your community?

 

[tallguy297]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

Hey 1David1,

First off let me say mate that very few of us enjoy going to a bar or club alone... its something that instinctively causes fear in most of us. I think your doubts and fears are completely normal, in fact if you didnt think the way you do you'd be the exception. And actually having to force yourself to do this is normal too... having to convince yourself to push your boundaries is always part of the process.

But you know something mate, I think you can do this. I think you will and I actually think that you'll be ok. And the reason that I think thats so is simply because of the way you post.

You're a bright guy, you've got a logical and sensible head on your shoulders. You understand yourself and you are strong enough to acknowledge doubt and fear. You are honest enough to say you might struggle. That and your integrity, your principles and your determination to go forward with your life, to make progress, to learn, to seek and find happiness are the amazing things here.

Despite all the myriad of reasons that you can find to stop yourself you know what you want to do and need to do - for yourself. And thats the powerful part.

This is a challenge David. Its like the first time you rode a bike or drove a car. Its like the first day at work or your first class at college. Its a step away from your everyday... the everyday that right now isnt making you happy in this part of your life. Its a step away from frustration and emptiness towards finding happiness and fulfillment. Its a step towards the rest of your life being filled with people you love and care about. Its a step towards being part of something that you long for and desire.

And its also a step towards you breaking away from this anxiety and moving forwards to the happiness that you deserve. Its a step that I know you can achieve with perseverance and the strength and courage it took to post here.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

For my part, I love hitting the bars ever so often on my own. No disrespect meant to anyone.

I am hitting gay bar(s) and club(s) for a certain reason. And that reason is NOT to sit, talk, chat, giggle, gossip and majorly socialize. So, being on my own and undistracted really works for me.

Do not overthink the whole matter. Go to the bar, grab a drink, look around and connect, if you can. If a hot dude hits on you or accept your advances, do not go around hitting him with a big stick (unless, he specifically asks for it).

Even some of us, who grew up as gay men in bars and clubs and thus, know all the tricks of the trade (I am not reading from the damned book: I wrote it), go home empty-handed sometimes. This comes with the territory and is part of the thrill of bar-hopping. Your chances are actually very good. But there is no guarantee attached to anything. You go and you make the best out of it. As simple as that.

SC

 

[1David1]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

Thanks everyone, I do feel better about going now. Tallguy's post was especially encouraging cause it made me feel better about how I'm doing, and that's really important in a case like this. I'm not totally sure I'm going tomorrow though, but only because I just read on their website it will be a drag-themed party. Not really my thing, but I'll definitely try to go on my own next week when the theme is different. Awkward, but I have to start somewhere.

 

[Eagle653]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

Hi David, I know what you're saying.

The first few times I went to a gay bar, I went alone. I can be overly shy in new and unpredictable situations and I couldn't predict how I'd react. If I reacted badly, or freaked, I wanted to high-tail it out of there without having to make excuses or look like a wimp to friends.

So, I went and kind of stayed to myself, but really enjoyed people-watching. I also went with zero-expectations, and almost predicting I'd hate it. Actually, anything less than an awful time would have been a pleasant surprise.

I actually had a pretty OK time. I stayed to myself for a while, enjoying my drink and being in my own thoughts. Some people, sensing I was alone, and probably looking like a fish out of water, ventured over to chit-chat and that was nice. In fact, I had some terrific conversations with guys who were from out of town (most married) who only ventured into gay bars when they were traveling. So, we had lots to talk about, and it's always fun to talk to people from other places.

As I recall, I hooked up with a few, a couple of times. But, I never went there expecting that. After a while, I felt comfortable enough to go with friends, pretty sure I wouldn't act like a fool or freak. Trouble was, if I went with friends, I pretty much had to stick with them, and the more spontaneous conversations with strangers stopped. But, oh well.

Good luck and have fun. Let us know what happens. Above you, I guarantee you that you won't be the only one alone, or who is uncomfortable about being alone. Venture over to those you spot in that situation and make small talk. You'll sense, quickly, if someone is interested in being by themselves or if they appreciate someone reaching out to them.

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: I'm getting so predictable it's making me sick

Going to a drag themed night is actually not a bad idea. Drag queens are entertainers/performers, which means you may have more fun people watching or watching a drag performance than if you go on another night. I learned a long time ago that I have no interest in being a drag queen myself, but they are fun to watch.