Yes, I know there are plenty of topics like this. That's comforting to know I'm not alone in this situation, but also somewhat disheartening to realize so many struggle with this hardship.
I'm going to try my best not to drag this out, but it's been eating away at me, literally almost everyday for the last 15 years. I'm sick of it, and just need to come clean. Please give me your honest feedback/advice.
A bit of back story...
I'm currently 28 and identify as a bisexual, masculine guy. I don't consider myself "hot" or "sexy," rather just moderately attractive, like an average Joe. I've been with equal amounts girls and guys. I go through phases where I'm really attracted to girls and only want to be with them, and then go through a phase where I'm just attracted to guys and want to be with them. No one, not one person I know of knows that I'm bi or that I've ever hooked up with guys before. I'm extremely discreet and my genuine personality is that of a perfectly typical straight man. I have a lot of friends (and family) who would be blown away by this revelation.
I won't spend any time boring you about when I realized my attraction to guys or my first experience, but I'll tell you it started right around 8th grade into Freshmen year of high school when I was 14. That year, 1997, in my Freshmen year, at a new school, I was very intimated by the other guys who seemed to be more sexually aggressive than I was. That's when my attraction to guys erupted.
There was one guy in particular, Casey, who I really liked. I envied him so much. For the first half of the year, we didn't exchange any words, mostly because I was a chicken shit to approach him. I didn't think I was "cool enough." One day, out of nowhere, he came up to me and started talking about random bullshit. It turned out he was genuinely a nice guy. Also turned out, he lived nearby and we had similar interests. From that point and through the next 3 years, are friendship slowly grew. I won't lie, I would often jerkoff thinking about him. Our senior year was when our friendship really became solid and I considered him my best friend. He told me I was his too. This is when I started to feel guilty about my lust for him and valued our friendship much more. I refocused my priorities and toned down the fantasies I had.
This is also the same time he met his future wife and most of his time was now spent with his girlfriend. To say I was jealous would be an understatement. Still, I ate humble pie and went on with my life, all the while, keeping a healthy friendship with Casey.
Flash forward to 2003. Still best of friends. Casey still splitting his free time between me and his girlfriend. During the Summer, I went to a tropical resort for a week with a girl. (It was my 21st bday gift from my dad, awesome!) The place was full of swingers. One night, while drunk and having fun with some of the other guests, a guy gave me head. The girl I went with had no idea. When I came home, I went out for some drinks with Casey and he was asking about my trip. It took some courage, but I actually told him about the guy giving me head and how it was a swingers place and I was drunk and didn't really know what was going on. He actually wasn't grossed out or anything and seemed unfazed by it. I told him I did not reciprocate and I think that's what he was really wondering. I came close that night to telling him about my bisexual tendencies, but I chickened out. I asked him not to say anything to anyone else and he promised. To this day, I know he hasn't.
Nothing new happened but occasionally whenever we would hangout there would be a random comment or joke about being gay or something to that effect. One day in particular, he came and picked me up from college and it was a long drive home. While he was driving he reached over and put his hand on the back of my head and started to pull me in towards him. He said, "since I'm driving your ass home and it's a long drive, give me some road head." I'll never forget that because I immediately got a hard on and wanted to so bad. But I really thought this was just him joking around so I pulled away and started to fake laugh.
For the next few years, I would work up the courage to tell him, but I always believed I'd weird him out and push him away, and I value our friendship too much. But for the life of me, I swear deep down I think he knows this about me. I've often thought he had mutual feelings for me just from some of the random comments he'd make about sex and me. Sometimes at parties filled with people, I could sense him staring at me, and then I'd look across the room and he was. We'd exchange this deep look and then turn away. Is that just because we're really good friends who care about each other... or something more?
There's definitely a lot more to add to this story, but I'll wrap it up now. And here's where I pulled the ultimate chicken shit... again.
At the beginning of the year, his girlfriend of the last 10 years moved in with him. Sometimes she'd go away for a weekend or whatever. He'd call me and say he had the house to himself so we could do whatever we want. I'd go over, we'd drink, smoke some weed, watch movies, talk, chill, you get the idea. But again, every time we hang out, at some point, the conversation turns to dick jokes, or butt sex, or something that's very ambiguous. We've told each other, "I love you" many times, but in a platonic way. Sometimes I'd quip, "I'd only be gay for you, Casey." And he'd laugh or something and say something like, "yeah, I know."
Now during all these years, I'd have different girlfriends, none of which lasted longer than 6 months, and in secretly in between, I was hooking up with guys. No one was ever the wiser to this.
This past August, he invited me over and I was going to stay the night. His girlfriend, now fiance, was back home for a few days. While we were hanging out, listening to music, smoking, and really drunk, he started to express how much of a great friend I was to him. If he didn't have a brother, I'd be his best man at this wedding. (I was still a groomsman.) But while he's telling me this, we started talking about sex and what techniques and positions we like. He said he liked to be really aggressive and that he was a passionate kisser and he shaves his pubes, and so on. This was really turning me on, but also intimidating me for some reason. I've always imagined him naked and what it'd be like to watch him fuck, and now he's openly telling me. I kept the conversation going and offered my insight in to how I like sex and so on. Then out of nowhere, he looked at my shoes and said, "damn, I never realized what big feet you have. I bet you have a big dick too, don't you?" I was floored. Truth is, I'm average size (6.5 inch). I chuckled and said "you know it, bro." Then he reminded me that he had less than 2 weeks before he was a married man and that he wanted to "have fun." At this point, and this is embarrassing, I started shaking, like seriously uncontrollable shaking. Mostly my hands and legs. I began sweating too. He continued by saying, "we'll always be best friends no matter what and no matter how weird it gets." He said I don't know how weird he is. I asked him to elaborate on that but he couldn't. I got too inside my own head and thought this was my opportunity to finally strike, but again, I was too chicken shit and really nervous about it. He noticed my shaking hands and asked what that was about. I said I don't know. I got up and went to the bathroom where I tried to calm down. My heart was racing. I wanted this to happen for so long but I guess I've never been ready to handle the outcome if it's not what I expect.
By the time I came back from the bathroom he was starting to fall asleep and he suggested we just go to bed. I said ok, and that was that. I often feel like the situation with Casey and I is exactly what I want it to be and think it might be... but then the devil's advocate in me says I'm reading too much into it all and we're just really good friends who understand each other.
Now he's married and I think my opportunity may have sailed away. We still go out on weekends if we're free too and have a lot of fun together. It's just that my obsession with my sexual feelings for him will not subside. I feel I owe it to myself to finally tell him. It's been 15 years and I can't go on with this deep secret from my best friend. I got to thinking about it and I thought it be best to just tell him I'm bi, but withhold my attraction towards him. I'll see how he reacts to that surprise before I pursue anything else. I'm very confident he'll be "the friend" and act like it's no biggie. There is a tiny bit of concern that he'll react differently but I guess a friendship of 15 years would suggest otherwise. I keep thinking about him saying, we'd be friends forever no matter how weird it gets. That statement is very vague to me and I want it to mean what I want it to mean, but he could have just been drunk rambling.
Anyway, if you're still reading this, thank you very much. This is difficult when it really shouldn't be. It's not even about telling Casey, the man of my affection, but just telling someone, a friend, that I'm bi. Because I've told no one else, so it seems like a huge deal. I told him that other day that I want to talk to him about something but that I want to talk in person. Not over the phone or internet. He said cool and we made plans for this weekend. I hope I don't chicken out again. I really feel like I need to get this off my chest once and for all.
Jesus, that was a lot...
I'm going to try my best not to drag this out, but it's been eating away at me, literally almost everyday for the last 15 years. I'm sick of it, and just need to come clean. Please give me your honest feedback/advice.
A bit of back story...
I'm currently 28 and identify as a bisexual, masculine guy. I don't consider myself "hot" or "sexy," rather just moderately attractive, like an average Joe. I've been with equal amounts girls and guys. I go through phases where I'm really attracted to girls and only want to be with them, and then go through a phase where I'm just attracted to guys and want to be with them. No one, not one person I know of knows that I'm bi or that I've ever hooked up with guys before. I'm extremely discreet and my genuine personality is that of a perfectly typical straight man. I have a lot of friends (and family) who would be blown away by this revelation.
I won't spend any time boring you about when I realized my attraction to guys or my first experience, but I'll tell you it started right around 8th grade into Freshmen year of high school when I was 14. That year, 1997, in my Freshmen year, at a new school, I was very intimated by the other guys who seemed to be more sexually aggressive than I was. That's when my attraction to guys erupted.
There was one guy in particular, Casey, who I really liked. I envied him so much. For the first half of the year, we didn't exchange any words, mostly because I was a chicken shit to approach him. I didn't think I was "cool enough." One day, out of nowhere, he came up to me and started talking about random bullshit. It turned out he was genuinely a nice guy. Also turned out, he lived nearby and we had similar interests. From that point and through the next 3 years, are friendship slowly grew. I won't lie, I would often jerkoff thinking about him. Our senior year was when our friendship really became solid and I considered him my best friend. He told me I was his too. This is when I started to feel guilty about my lust for him and valued our friendship much more. I refocused my priorities and toned down the fantasies I had.
This is also the same time he met his future wife and most of his time was now spent with his girlfriend. To say I was jealous would be an understatement. Still, I ate humble pie and went on with my life, all the while, keeping a healthy friendship with Casey.
Flash forward to 2003. Still best of friends. Casey still splitting his free time between me and his girlfriend. During the Summer, I went to a tropical resort for a week with a girl. (It was my 21st bday gift from my dad, awesome!) The place was full of swingers. One night, while drunk and having fun with some of the other guests, a guy gave me head. The girl I went with had no idea. When I came home, I went out for some drinks with Casey and he was asking about my trip. It took some courage, but I actually told him about the guy giving me head and how it was a swingers place and I was drunk and didn't really know what was going on. He actually wasn't grossed out or anything and seemed unfazed by it. I told him I did not reciprocate and I think that's what he was really wondering. I came close that night to telling him about my bisexual tendencies, but I chickened out. I asked him not to say anything to anyone else and he promised. To this day, I know he hasn't.
Nothing new happened but occasionally whenever we would hangout there would be a random comment or joke about being gay or something to that effect. One day in particular, he came and picked me up from college and it was a long drive home. While he was driving he reached over and put his hand on the back of my head and started to pull me in towards him. He said, "since I'm driving your ass home and it's a long drive, give me some road head." I'll never forget that because I immediately got a hard on and wanted to so bad. But I really thought this was just him joking around so I pulled away and started to fake laugh.
For the next few years, I would work up the courage to tell him, but I always believed I'd weird him out and push him away, and I value our friendship too much. But for the life of me, I swear deep down I think he knows this about me. I've often thought he had mutual feelings for me just from some of the random comments he'd make about sex and me. Sometimes at parties filled with people, I could sense him staring at me, and then I'd look across the room and he was. We'd exchange this deep look and then turn away. Is that just because we're really good friends who care about each other... or something more?
There's definitely a lot more to add to this story, but I'll wrap it up now. And here's where I pulled the ultimate chicken shit... again.
At the beginning of the year, his girlfriend of the last 10 years moved in with him. Sometimes she'd go away for a weekend or whatever. He'd call me and say he had the house to himself so we could do whatever we want. I'd go over, we'd drink, smoke some weed, watch movies, talk, chill, you get the idea. But again, every time we hang out, at some point, the conversation turns to dick jokes, or butt sex, or something that's very ambiguous. We've told each other, "I love you" many times, but in a platonic way. Sometimes I'd quip, "I'd only be gay for you, Casey." And he'd laugh or something and say something like, "yeah, I know."
Now during all these years, I'd have different girlfriends, none of which lasted longer than 6 months, and in secretly in between, I was hooking up with guys. No one was ever the wiser to this.
This past August, he invited me over and I was going to stay the night. His girlfriend, now fiance, was back home for a few days. While we were hanging out, listening to music, smoking, and really drunk, he started to express how much of a great friend I was to him. If he didn't have a brother, I'd be his best man at this wedding. (I was still a groomsman.) But while he's telling me this, we started talking about sex and what techniques and positions we like. He said he liked to be really aggressive and that he was a passionate kisser and he shaves his pubes, and so on. This was really turning me on, but also intimidating me for some reason. I've always imagined him naked and what it'd be like to watch him fuck, and now he's openly telling me. I kept the conversation going and offered my insight in to how I like sex and so on. Then out of nowhere, he looked at my shoes and said, "damn, I never realized what big feet you have. I bet you have a big dick too, don't you?" I was floored. Truth is, I'm average size (6.5 inch). I chuckled and said "you know it, bro." Then he reminded me that he had less than 2 weeks before he was a married man and that he wanted to "have fun." At this point, and this is embarrassing, I started shaking, like seriously uncontrollable shaking. Mostly my hands and legs. I began sweating too. He continued by saying, "we'll always be best friends no matter what and no matter how weird it gets." He said I don't know how weird he is. I asked him to elaborate on that but he couldn't. I got too inside my own head and thought this was my opportunity to finally strike, but again, I was too chicken shit and really nervous about it. He noticed my shaking hands and asked what that was about. I said I don't know. I got up and went to the bathroom where I tried to calm down. My heart was racing. I wanted this to happen for so long but I guess I've never been ready to handle the outcome if it's not what I expect.
By the time I came back from the bathroom he was starting to fall asleep and he suggested we just go to bed. I said ok, and that was that. I often feel like the situation with Casey and I is exactly what I want it to be and think it might be... but then the devil's advocate in me says I'm reading too much into it all and we're just really good friends who understand each other.
Now he's married and I think my opportunity may have sailed away. We still go out on weekends if we're free too and have a lot of fun together. It's just that my obsession with my sexual feelings for him will not subside. I feel I owe it to myself to finally tell him. It's been 15 years and I can't go on with this deep secret from my best friend. I got to thinking about it and I thought it be best to just tell him I'm bi, but withhold my attraction towards him. I'll see how he reacts to that surprise before I pursue anything else. I'm very confident he'll be "the friend" and act like it's no biggie. There is a tiny bit of concern that he'll react differently but I guess a friendship of 15 years would suggest otherwise. I keep thinking about him saying, we'd be friends forever no matter how weird it gets. That statement is very vague to me and I want it to mean what I want it to mean, but he could have just been drunk rambling.
Anyway, if you're still reading this, thank you very much. This is difficult when it really shouldn't be. It's not even about telling Casey, the man of my affection, but just telling someone, a friend, that I'm bi. Because I've told no one else, so it seems like a huge deal. I told him that other day that I want to talk to him about something but that I want to talk in person. Not over the phone or internet. He said cool and we made plans for this weekend. I hope I don't chicken out again. I really feel like I need to get this off my chest once and for all.
Jesus, that was a lot...
It is a huge relief when it happens - a cliche, I'm sure, but it really does lighten you a lot and I hope you get some mental peace after you do.
, but in a platonic way. He's that guy friend you'd compare cocks with, etc.
