Hey everybody, I am new to this web site. I learned of it from that tragic suicide at Rutgers. I have been sometimes coming here and checking things out.
I am 28, so I am a grown man. But, my situation is ridiculous and that of a 14 year old dilemma. But, it's an accumulation of homophobic things that have happened to me in my life and this was a boiling piont. And, this is pretty long, and I am sorry for that. I just have nobody to talk to about this.
For about a year now, there was this guy at my gym. He is 24. He and I are regulars at this gym, so I would see him 5-7 days a week. At the beginning, when I first saw him, I got a vibe from him immediately that he was interested in me. But, I was not interested in him. I was not very attracted to him. But, he was persistant. He would always stare at me. Stare at me from across the gym. and stare at me from the mirrors. Everywhere I went to work out, no matter what machine, I would look up, and there he'd be. His friend too. He was always with a guy out age, and a guy who in his 60s. He was like a 60 year old metrosexual. I never saw him hang aorund men his own age. But, I was just not into this guy. I mean, I didn't mind him constantly always being around. Then I found myself becoming more and more attracted to him. But as that occured, I found myself growing more distant and shy towards him. I am like this because I am afraid of rejection, and of getting hurt. Plus, there was always that lingering - "what if he is not gay?" But, based on his persistance with me, his behavior towards me, he seemed interested. I never spoke to him on a personal level - ever. But, he was always very sweet to me. He would often hold the door for me as we entered the gym - and was just very gentlemanly and all around good guy. This shyness and awkwardness that I developed towards him became tiresome, and so finally I changed my times and worked out later than I usually do. He and his friend followed me to my new time. His behavior was the same - yet still I am socially awkward.
Additionally, I should say, I worked out at a later time, but I had changed my times to an early time (the early time is where I met this guy) because I had experienced homophobia from a few guys at this gym who obsessed with me which was the reason for being so quiet towards this guy. They would also stare at me, follow me around, hurl anti-gay slurs at me, "he's gay" in the locker room, saying things like: "he works out for his boyfriend", watching me undress, staring at my butt/body, watching my work out if I work out my legs and glutes (butt), etc. But, in a stalking way. This guy, though would behave the same, was not homophobic to me. He just seemed closeted. I didn't want to include this guy into a homophobic experience that was happening to me. I also didn't avoided the "bird of a feather..." situation and place these guys in positions they are not ready to handle, or put them into a potential fight, which was I felt was going to happen with me and these homophobic guys. I went to the management and they told me to go the police. Which I did. I filed complaints with the police towards these homophobic guys because of the constant obesession they had towards me, and come to find out they were stalking me. I could press charges on these guys, but I wouldn't do that. I am not like that. So, for the guy's sake, the one that liked me, I changed my times for that reason, and also my shyness towards him because nothing was ever going to happen with us. The guy then followed me to my old later time, the time I run into the homophobic guys. He followed me to my time. Thankfully I did not run into these homophobic guys. I then went back to the early time to avoid any potentiality of this guy and his friend getting into any issues they did not ask for because of me.
So, months had past this year, I would see this guy. The same thing. The staring, all of it. Me, doing nothing. Everyday. I would accept his "cone-ons" for lack of a better word. I owuld shoot smiles at him from time to time. But, he never came over to me to talk to me - nor did I with him. I did see him check out girls, but when did look at them, he would immediately look at me.
I then felt maybe this guy was cruising me. I felt maybe I was misplacing thinking this guy likes me, for actually just wanting to have sex with me. I went to a message forum and asked, they said this guy was "cruising me hard". But, I had feelings for this guy. Yet still, I never acted on them. I am not the cruising type, though it happens a lot at my gym towards me. I just work out and leave, but this guy I really liked him, and I am lame for feeling the way I did. Also, this guy always seemed as though I was rejecting him, which I never was. I was just looking out for him with those homophobic guys,
My conclusions that this guy was at least bisexual was when a member, who claims to be straight, because he told me he was straight while wearing a blowse, and who looks like and is like Johnny Weir times one billion (I like Johnny a lot, btw.) started coming at the same times as us (me and this guy). I knew what he was up to. This "straight" Johnny Weir times a billion was known to blow guys "cool downs" after their work out and would frequent the friend's of the guy that liked me. They were the typical down-low bisexuals. I suspected he was blowing this guy because this guy was coming all the time now. He came all the time for the other guy too. The Johnny Weir times a billion was doing the same things to this guy as well: the cruising, the posturing, the working out near each other. I was really disgusted by this. I never really knew for sure, but I knew. Have you ever felt that way? You're not sure, but you know it's true. But, I forgave it.
Then I started seeing the homophobic guys coming earlier and earlier. They were doing the same obsessive things - even after all the complaints to management and the police. Finally, I just decided to split the gym and go to another gym. I did. But, before I left, on a web site where I buy my work-out supplements I noticed that the guy that was always following me around, staring at me, etc, had a profile and that he had entered a bodybuilding contest. He did very well. So, because I was leaving the gym, and I wanted so badly to open up to this guy and tell him that I liked him. I just wanted him to know how I truly felt towards him. I sent him a message telling him how happy I was for him. I told him I was proud of him because I saw his tranformation everyday and how hard he worked for it. I then apologized to him for being so shy towards him. I didn't tell him the reason was because of homophobic members, I told him that I wished things were different and I could go back to when I first saw him and do everything different and right. I then told him that despite who he is or is not, (referring to his sexuality) that I would have had a great friend and a good man in my life. I then wished him well. That was it. I wanted to say the right things to him. We knew each other's names so he would recognize my name as I recogonized his. He never responded which I didn't mind. I wasn't going to see him again.
I then went to another gym for two-weeks. I was hating myself for it. I missed this guy and I wanted to see him again. I thought, these homophobic guy's can't dictate my life, and if I fight these guys, I fight these guys.
I went to back Thursday for an early workout. I saw the guy I sent the message to. He seemed pissed off at me. Yet, stared at me, watched me through the mirror, worked out in areas where he could see me. I was very close to approaching him, and even spoke to another member two-feet from him hoping to get an "in", and nothing on my part. The tension was so thick. But, the guy did nothing but stare and follow me. He seemed rather pissed of at me. I then saw him with a friend, who also looks at guys at the gym in a cruisy-kind of way as he has cruised me, and they were laughing and looking at me. The friend of the guy them came over and sat on a machine right next to me. He smiled at me pleasantly as he passed me. He seemed nice. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe not. I then left the gym as I was done with my workout, and squeezed between the machines and said "excuse me" and he was very polite towards me as I did.
I then worked out yesterday and saw the friend of this guy I sent the message to again. The one that sat next to me on Thursday. He stared at me non-stop. He then walked past me as I was working out on a machine and I smiled at him. I was gracious and respectful.
I then saw the work-out partner of the who is the guy I sent the message to the one with older metro-60 year old. He avoided me like the plague. He was also making homophobic slurs towards me with another member.
I am never going back that gym again. I am pretty humiliated to say the least. I am heart-broken. Did I do something wrong? Was I creepy or a psycho or something for sending that message to him? Was there anything in my message, from what I wrote that was bad? Was this guy ever not really gay or interested? I am just very confused by this and I feel really disugsted with myself. Am I this terrible guy because I sent him that message? I will never do something like that again. I just wanted him to know that I really liked him and that I was sorry that I never acted on it and that I should have. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.
What do you guys think? Did I do something wrong?
Thanks everybody. Sorry for the long message.
I am 28, so I am a grown man. But, my situation is ridiculous and that of a 14 year old dilemma. But, it's an accumulation of homophobic things that have happened to me in my life and this was a boiling piont. And, this is pretty long, and I am sorry for that. I just have nobody to talk to about this.
For about a year now, there was this guy at my gym. He is 24. He and I are regulars at this gym, so I would see him 5-7 days a week. At the beginning, when I first saw him, I got a vibe from him immediately that he was interested in me. But, I was not interested in him. I was not very attracted to him. But, he was persistant. He would always stare at me. Stare at me from across the gym. and stare at me from the mirrors. Everywhere I went to work out, no matter what machine, I would look up, and there he'd be. His friend too. He was always with a guy out age, and a guy who in his 60s. He was like a 60 year old metrosexual. I never saw him hang aorund men his own age. But, I was just not into this guy. I mean, I didn't mind him constantly always being around. Then I found myself becoming more and more attracted to him. But as that occured, I found myself growing more distant and shy towards him. I am like this because I am afraid of rejection, and of getting hurt. Plus, there was always that lingering - "what if he is not gay?" But, based on his persistance with me, his behavior towards me, he seemed interested. I never spoke to him on a personal level - ever. But, he was always very sweet to me. He would often hold the door for me as we entered the gym - and was just very gentlemanly and all around good guy. This shyness and awkwardness that I developed towards him became tiresome, and so finally I changed my times and worked out later than I usually do. He and his friend followed me to my new time. His behavior was the same - yet still I am socially awkward.
Additionally, I should say, I worked out at a later time, but I had changed my times to an early time (the early time is where I met this guy) because I had experienced homophobia from a few guys at this gym who obsessed with me which was the reason for being so quiet towards this guy. They would also stare at me, follow me around, hurl anti-gay slurs at me, "he's gay" in the locker room, saying things like: "he works out for his boyfriend", watching me undress, staring at my butt/body, watching my work out if I work out my legs and glutes (butt), etc. But, in a stalking way. This guy, though would behave the same, was not homophobic to me. He just seemed closeted. I didn't want to include this guy into a homophobic experience that was happening to me. I also didn't avoided the "bird of a feather..." situation and place these guys in positions they are not ready to handle, or put them into a potential fight, which was I felt was going to happen with me and these homophobic guys. I went to the management and they told me to go the police. Which I did. I filed complaints with the police towards these homophobic guys because of the constant obesession they had towards me, and come to find out they were stalking me. I could press charges on these guys, but I wouldn't do that. I am not like that. So, for the guy's sake, the one that liked me, I changed my times for that reason, and also my shyness towards him because nothing was ever going to happen with us. The guy then followed me to my old later time, the time I run into the homophobic guys. He followed me to my time. Thankfully I did not run into these homophobic guys. I then went back to the early time to avoid any potentiality of this guy and his friend getting into any issues they did not ask for because of me.
So, months had past this year, I would see this guy. The same thing. The staring, all of it. Me, doing nothing. Everyday. I would accept his "cone-ons" for lack of a better word. I owuld shoot smiles at him from time to time. But, he never came over to me to talk to me - nor did I with him. I did see him check out girls, but when did look at them, he would immediately look at me.
I then felt maybe this guy was cruising me. I felt maybe I was misplacing thinking this guy likes me, for actually just wanting to have sex with me. I went to a message forum and asked, they said this guy was "cruising me hard". But, I had feelings for this guy. Yet still, I never acted on them. I am not the cruising type, though it happens a lot at my gym towards me. I just work out and leave, but this guy I really liked him, and I am lame for feeling the way I did. Also, this guy always seemed as though I was rejecting him, which I never was. I was just looking out for him with those homophobic guys,
My conclusions that this guy was at least bisexual was when a member, who claims to be straight, because he told me he was straight while wearing a blowse, and who looks like and is like Johnny Weir times one billion (I like Johnny a lot, btw.) started coming at the same times as us (me and this guy). I knew what he was up to. This "straight" Johnny Weir times a billion was known to blow guys "cool downs" after their work out and would frequent the friend's of the guy that liked me. They were the typical down-low bisexuals. I suspected he was blowing this guy because this guy was coming all the time now. He came all the time for the other guy too. The Johnny Weir times a billion was doing the same things to this guy as well: the cruising, the posturing, the working out near each other. I was really disgusted by this. I never really knew for sure, but I knew. Have you ever felt that way? You're not sure, but you know it's true. But, I forgave it.
Then I started seeing the homophobic guys coming earlier and earlier. They were doing the same obsessive things - even after all the complaints to management and the police. Finally, I just decided to split the gym and go to another gym. I did. But, before I left, on a web site where I buy my work-out supplements I noticed that the guy that was always following me around, staring at me, etc, had a profile and that he had entered a bodybuilding contest. He did very well. So, because I was leaving the gym, and I wanted so badly to open up to this guy and tell him that I liked him. I just wanted him to know how I truly felt towards him. I sent him a message telling him how happy I was for him. I told him I was proud of him because I saw his tranformation everyday and how hard he worked for it. I then apologized to him for being so shy towards him. I didn't tell him the reason was because of homophobic members, I told him that I wished things were different and I could go back to when I first saw him and do everything different and right. I then told him that despite who he is or is not, (referring to his sexuality) that I would have had a great friend and a good man in my life. I then wished him well. That was it. I wanted to say the right things to him. We knew each other's names so he would recognize my name as I recogonized his. He never responded which I didn't mind. I wasn't going to see him again.
I then went to another gym for two-weeks. I was hating myself for it. I missed this guy and I wanted to see him again. I thought, these homophobic guy's can't dictate my life, and if I fight these guys, I fight these guys.
I went to back Thursday for an early workout. I saw the guy I sent the message to. He seemed pissed off at me. Yet, stared at me, watched me through the mirror, worked out in areas where he could see me. I was very close to approaching him, and even spoke to another member two-feet from him hoping to get an "in", and nothing on my part. The tension was so thick. But, the guy did nothing but stare and follow me. He seemed rather pissed of at me. I then saw him with a friend, who also looks at guys at the gym in a cruisy-kind of way as he has cruised me, and they were laughing and looking at me. The friend of the guy them came over and sat on a machine right next to me. He smiled at me pleasantly as he passed me. He seemed nice. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe not. I then left the gym as I was done with my workout, and squeezed between the machines and said "excuse me" and he was very polite towards me as I did.
I then worked out yesterday and saw the friend of this guy I sent the message to again. The one that sat next to me on Thursday. He stared at me non-stop. He then walked past me as I was working out on a machine and I smiled at him. I was gracious and respectful.
I then saw the work-out partner of the who is the guy I sent the message to the one with older metro-60 year old. He avoided me like the plague. He was also making homophobic slurs towards me with another member.
I am never going back that gym again. I am pretty humiliated to say the least. I am heart-broken. Did I do something wrong? Was I creepy or a psycho or something for sending that message to him? Was there anything in my message, from what I wrote that was bad? Was this guy ever not really gay or interested? I am just very confused by this and I feel really disugsted with myself. Am I this terrible guy because I sent him that message? I will never do something like that again. I just wanted him to know that I really liked him and that I was sorry that I never acted on it and that I should have. I honestly thought I was doing the right thing.
What do you guys think? Did I do something wrong?
Thanks everybody. Sorry for the long message.
