I'm in a pickle... give me some advice be it in my favor or not.

[recuerdeme]

So... a few months back... lets say October (hmm I think theres a thread about it somewhere) I asked my bf to move in. He said no. Reasons being distance to his job/gas etc then he he changed it to simply not wanting to do it. We got past that and things were good. We vacationed in New Orleans for Christmas and the New Years and lo and behold when we returned home he started moving more things in (apart from the everyday things you leave at your bfs house) and he stayed... so a month passes maybe a month and a half. I'm thinking 'ah well it's like my friends said "relax and let things happen natrually"' so it became to me an unspoken semi/quasi cohabitation situation.

Anyways a point for pause was that since we got back from vacation my bf had no new contracts ie no jobs for about a month or month and half. So he was holed up in my house and doing nothing really, there for desire or lack of something else to do passed through my mind a few times, and he was down and moody but I even tried to help him out of his funk, understand his situation and his mood swings... but he finally gets a new contract and like the flip of a switch its too much to come to my place... a week passes and he's too tired and the gas and blah blah blah to get to my place (which I'd coined our place) but he does manage on a Friday to come to the house while I'm not there and pack up his things, this after I tried to have a talk about him staying during his unemployment and then suddenly leaving when employed, which to me seemed f'd up... and I asked him if it was all a matter of convenience for him. It's not like he's working in another city.

Anyways I feel slighted. I think he's choosing convenience, what's easy on him and drugs (yeah he does the pot which isn't tolerated around me) over me 88% of the time. What think you all? Did I fool myself just a little? Is he using me or am I thinking only from my POV and not his? I mean I can see other angles of the situation ... eh iono outsiders looking in my be able to shine some light on this for me. The relationship is still pretty much on good feet, maybe I just need something he cannot provide and I'm pushing a stubborn mule when I should probably get a new stallion?

 

[TX-Beau]

Can you link to the other thread so we can refresh our memories?

It's hard to say much without the backstory. Such as how old are you two, how long have you been together, etc.


Though I will say this, if he didn't want to move in a few months ago, it's probable he hasn't changed his mind this quickly.

Plus if he likes his pot, think about this - you WANT him to have his own place, that way you don't have to deal with it.

Not that I'm a prude. But I do understand someone being drunk/stoned around you when you're not, that's not fun.

 

[Eeyore]

Maybe you were right when you said it was for convenience. I mean, if it is further to wherever he'd be working from your place, it would make sense to not want to be there if he's got a closer place and working. I know after a long day of work the last thing I want to do is drive further than I have to get to a place to relax.

I think though, and this is just my opinion, a bigger problem here comes to your reference to his recreational drug use. If he likes it, and you don't "tolerate" it at all, I think there's going to be a problem there. He's going to want to be someplace where he has the freedom to do what he wants, and if your place isn't that, he's going to find some other place to spend time, even if he fully moved in.

If you're considering leaving him over something like this it doesn't seem to me that the relationship is strong enough to completely change your lifestyle to suit it, and neither should he. Just my two cents.

 

[recuerdeme]

Well I 'm not saying I want to end the relationship... but maybe I do, but it's not just the issues I've typed out above. Maybe the relationships isn't that solid... I don't know. It's definitely doesn't seem very balanced that's for sure.

Tx-beau it'll be a year in May and I'm 27 he's 43.

 

[KaraBulut]

The thread that I remember was that your boyfriend was going to move in but your unemployed brothers were living with you (and not paying any rent).

From that thread, is advice: "Freeloaders are freeloaders- family or not. They're taking advantage of you." Your boyfriend needs to pay the bills and carry his share of the load. If he doesn't, put him out.

And there's another thread, about your boyfriend's drug use. My advice to you at that time was to deal with your boyfriend's mood issues and not to focus upon the drug use. The drug use is the symptom and you need to deal with the cause.

The advice is those threads from several members is good and reading both would probably help you here, too.

 

[TX-Beau]

Tx-beau it'll be a year in May and I'm 27 he's 43.

So, I'll repeat a question from one of the other threads. How serious is his weed habit? Once a week, twice, every second he's not working? You said it doesn't bother you in the other thread, but you seem to have had a change of heart.

I reiterate, smokers of any substance need to have their own place, it keeps the issues away from you, and your scent sensitive possessions. Not to mention eliminates the stoned, lethargic slacker on your couch watching late night MTV.

I have to admit, that I'm inclined to make a snap judgment since the guy is 43. In my book, the older you get, the less chances I'm likely to give you.

So, I won't tell you that your relationship is doomed, but I will say that a guy that old is set in his ways, he won't change unless he's got significant motivation.

Plus, you need to listen not only to what a guys says, but also what he does, his actions are speaking pretty loudly if you've interpreted the situation correctly.



Second, have you talked to him about this, in a calm, rational, non-confrontational manner? Does he know you feel like a convenience? If you haven't talked to him about this, you're never going to know what's going on.

An idea, since he doesn't want to come to your place, or move in, go to his, don't ask him to come to you, don't ask him to come over for the weekend, let your relationship exist in his space. Don't make a big deal about it, don't make announcements, don't discuss why you're doing it, just shift locations, take control of the situation. If he sees you simply as a convenience, you'll find out really fast. He won't want you in his space. Unless he want's to get off.

 

[Maklaar13]

I feel you are being used, either he wants to be with you or he does not, it seems to me that the relationship only works when he wants it. You deserve better than that.

 

[rareboy]

^yup.........

 

[racer2438]

I think you are being use, especially when it suit him the most. And him not respecting you and the relationship.

I would be inclind to move on to someone who respect you better..

 

[StlKj]

So... a few months back... lets say October (hmm I think theres a thread about it somewhere) I asked my bf to move in. He said no. Reasons being distance to his job/gas etc then he he changed it to simply not wanting to do it. We got past that (Translation: You let it go) and things were good. We vacationed in New Orleans for Christmas and the New Years and lo and behold when we returned home he started moving more things in (apart from the everyday things you leave at your bfs house) and he stayed... so a month passes maybe a month and a half. I'm thinking 'ah well it's like my friends said "relax and let things happen natrually"' so it became to me an unspoken semi/quasi cohabitation situation.

Anyways a point for pause was that since we got back from vacation my bf had no new contracts ie no jobs for about a month or month and half. So he was holed up in my house and doing nothing really, there for desire or lack of something else to do passed through my mind a few times, and he was down and moody but I even tried to help him out of his funk, understand his situation and his mood swings... but he finally gets a new contract and like the flip of a switch its too much to come to my place... (He moves in when he has no work, he moves out when he gets work) a week passes and he's too tired and the gas and blah blah blah to get to my place (which I'd coined our place) but he does manage on a Friday to come to the house while I'm not there and pack up his things, (packs his shit and moves out like a sneak) this after I tried to have a talk about him staying during his unemployment and then suddenly leaving when employed, which to me seemed f'd up... and I asked him if it was all a matter of convenience for him. (What was his response?) It's not like he's working in another city.

Anyways I feel slighted. I think he's choosing convenience, what's easy on him and drugs (yeah he does the pot which isn't tolerated around me) (So, you decided to give him a go even though you knew he was hooked to an illegal substance--surely you're not surprised now that it's more important than you are) over me 88% of the time. What think you all? Did I fool myself just a little? Is he using me or am I thinking only from my POV and not his? (If you had looked from his perspective early on, you might have seen that he's not into this as much as you are) I mean I can see other angles of the situation ... eh iono outsiders looking in my be able to shine some light on this for me. The relationship is still pretty much on good feet, (Yes, it probably is. He stays high, and you get little of what you want from him--good feet) maybe I just need something he cannot provide and I'm pushing a stubborn mule when I should probably get a new stallion?

It sounds like you went from free-loading, motivationally challenged brothers to free-loading, motivationally challenged pot-addicted boyfriend. Here's the thing--you had an instinct about this guy a long time ago, and you didn't listen to that instinct. You have to start listening to that voice more, recuerdeme. You're asking us for advice or bouncing things off of us, but you already know. You're not getting the man you need, so you're settling for the man you have.

It sounds like a lot of people get what's convenient for them from you--what are you getting?

 

[recuerdeme]

I feel like an idiot for all the time wasted and all the effort put in. I guess my biggest challenge is accepting that it was all in vain. And it's too difficult to accept that it means little to nothing to him... and that he's happy to throw it all away. You're right killjoke I had a feeling and I thought I could just ride the wave but somehow feelings got in there which isn't a surprise because I'm not wired to have sex without emotion so I should have known better.