I'm losing it---advice needed.

[Halifaxboy8]

Your Welcome.

A lot of what your saying in your posts after you replied to mine sound very similar to what I went through. I found out my ex had been cheating for a long time. He was on cam4 either looking for guys to cam with or even hook up. He called them the same pet name he called me (cricket). He was always texting someone and would downplay the conversation or lie about who he was talking to. He'd say it was his dad or his "uncle". I found out it was other guys he was making plans with. However, if I received a text or call from someone he'd have to know who I was talking to. He'd get jealous and pissy. On two occasions he heard me tell the other person on the phone "I love you". I had to prove to him I had been talking to my parents.

Obviously he and his "ex" are still seeing each other. I understand people can continue a friendship with their ex but why is he lying and trying to cover up he's staying at your place. Why are people telling him he has soft lips. Because he's been kissing them. My ex kept telling me I was his "bf" but he kept secretes about his past or other things. When I pushed for information he'd say "if we were married then you could ask that but since we aren't I'm not going to tell you."

If there was a single incident or he had a small little quirk about grndr or something I'd say your just being paranoid and that he needs some private space. That's not the case at all. There's too many red flags to ignore. I did end up going to therapy for a while and my therapist helped me realize there are people out there that get off on this type of game. It's more about controlling someone (you, his ex and the other guys) and the thrill of having several people in love with them at the same time. It's a huge ego rush. Don't let him do this to you. I know it hurts and it will take some time to get over. You're going to second guess yourself for a while but once you've had some time away from him you'll realize you did the right thing.

Steven.

The entire post is fairly accurate, but I bolded that one section for a reason.

You are dealing with someone who is a class A manipulator. Now, this just didn't happen in the last year. Rather, he was raised in an environment that was abusive on some level, and he learned survival techniques to get through it. You've seen some of what he does to gain attention, his insistence and insecurity, the lies and deception and any number of things. He has many markings of a sociopath.

He simply does not have the capacity to even understand what a healthy relationship entails.

The best advice I can give is to block him from any shared social media and your phone. Move on, and cut your losses.

 

[sodson]

Your Welcome.

A lot of what your saying in your posts after you replied to mine sound very similar to what I went through. I found out my ex had been cheating for a long time. He was on cam4 either looking for guys to cam with or even hook up. He called them the same pet name he called me (cricket). He was always texting someone and would downplay the conversation or lie about who he was talking to. He'd say it was his dad or his "uncle". I found out it was other guys he was making plans with. However, if I received a text or call from someone he'd have to know who I was talking to. He'd get jealous and pissy. On two occasions he heard me tell the other person on the phone "I love you". I had to prove to him I had been talking to my parents.

Obviously he and his "ex" are still seeing each other. I understand people can continue a friendship with their ex but why is he lying and trying to cover up he's staying at your place. Why are people telling him he has soft lips. Because he's been kissing them. My ex kept telling me I was his "bf" but he kept secretes about his past or other things. When I pushed for information he'd say "if we were married then you could ask that but since we aren't I'm not going to tell you."

If there was a single incident or he had a small little quirk about grndr or something I'd say your just being paranoid and that he needs some private space. That's not the case at all. There's too many red flags to ignore. I did end up going to therapy for a while and my therapist helped me realize there are people out there that get off on this type of game. It's more about controlling someone (you, his ex and the other guys) and the thrill of having several people in love with them at the same time. It's a huge ego rush. Don't let him do this to you. I know it hurts and it will take some time to get over. You're going to second guess yourself for a while but once you've had some time away from him you'll realize you did the right thing.

Steven.

So based on your experience, do you think he actually cared about me at all? He tells me he really did have feelings for me and misses me. His roommate who I talked to said he was "in love" with me at one point. I keep wanting to believe it was real and he just messed up rather than playing in this game as it's too much. Sorry, I've never dealt with something like this, and I'm just really trying to rationalize everything. I guess I'll never really know, but there were a lot of red flags. sigh. It's just good to hear other's opinions instead of just my thinking.

Thanks.

 

[sodson]

The entire post is fairly accurate, but I bolded that one section for a reason.

You are dealing with someone who is a class A manipulator. Now, this just didn't happen in the last year. Rather, he was raised in an environment that was abusive on some level, and he learned survival techniques to get through it. You've seen some of what he does to gain attention, his insistence and insecurity, the lies and deception and any number of things. He has many markings of a sociopath.

He simply does not have the capacity to even understand what a healthy relationship entails.

The best advice I can give is to block him from any shared social media and your phone. Move on, and cut your losses.

His parents are divorced. Some other details that may or may not be real is that alcoholism runs in his family which was one of the reasons he hated when I drank and actively pushed me not to (along with the fact that he kept on thinking I would sleep with someone if I was drunk). I've witnessed conversations with his dad and he called him a dumbass. I asked him do you really talk to your parents like that? He said I wouldn't understand and that while he grew up his dad got drunk and through bottles at him. Also he grew up in a trailer park so a lot of kids made fun of him. Whether details are true or not I don't know for sure right now, but these things made me really sympathize with him.

It is true this isn't the first time he's pulled something like this. And based on what you guys have said, I kind of feel sorry for him. Do people grow out of these things as they grow older? I can't help but think maybe if I had just met him several years from now...

The next time I see him on grindr or messages me, hopefully I have the will power to block him. I've avoided going on Skype, and the games we normally play together.

 

[sodson]

I know it s a hard thing to go through. Been there myself. Hang in there, things will get better

Me I just go spend money and buy stuff whenever I get down and out. My therapist says that's not an adequate coping method

I've been trying to talk more to friends, go out, and just have distractions. For a while, I kept on ruminating and feeling bad whenever I was home. I still get these feelings whenever I'd walk by a place or area that we would frequent. Even certain items that I see or if I do something that we had planned to do together.

 

[sodson]

I had a similar experience once.
It stained my soul and the wound fades very slowly. I still hate him. If I could, I would detstroy him right where he stands. When I see him I want to hit him, tell him he is worthless, spineless junk, and my blood boils of hatred and anger. He owes me an apology for what he did, but I will never get that from him.
Do not let this happen to you. If you can avoif him, do it, Close him out of your life. Get rid of everything that makes you think/remember him.

Delete his pictures and numbers, Remove him on facebook, Delete every e-mail and letter. Tell him to avoid you if he wants good. If he keeps harassing you, turn to the police. The point is: Completely remove him of your life!

A festering wound can not heal. You need to cleanse it first. It will take time, but you will get better, just do not let your love for him turn into vengeance and hatred as it happened to me.

I don't think I am at the point of hating him. I'm in the miss him/trying to make sense of it all stage. Learning he has done this before, yet he seemed so genuine in wanting a relationship has made me sorry for him. Just wracking my brain trying to figure out what was real and not real.

I know, you may say it's a waste of time, but I can't seem to help it at the moment.

 

[loveguys72]

This is going to hurt for a while, and for that I'm very sorry. You had the misfortune to get mixed up with a player, and the lousy thing about the expert players is, they make you believe the lie so well that you end up thinking it must be your problem, because he has such a logical and believable explanation for everything. I've been there, so I understand.

The best thing you can do is cut this guy out of your life completely. No communication, delete him from every electronic device you possess. As far as you're concerned, he's dead. Then, just go about your normal daily business. Go to work, hang with your friends, do all the stuff you like to do. After a time, you'll find you think about him less and less until one day, you'll find you haven't thought about him at all.

I'm really sorry this guy hurt you. It'll get better in time, though. And if it puts a smile on your face, remember that karma's a bitch.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

 

[KaraBulut]

So based on your experience, do you think he actually cared about me at all? He tells me he really did have feelings for me and misses me. His roommate who I talked to said he was "in love" with me at one point. I keep wanting to believe it was real and he just messed up rather than playing in this game as it's too much. Sorry, I've never dealt with something like this, and I'm just really trying to rationalize everything. I guess I'll never really know, but there were a lot of red flags. sigh. It's just good to hear other's opinions instead of just my thinking.

What you're asking is, "Was this relationship real?". More than likely, it was.

But the danger in this thinking is that it misses the point. Your ex has an addiction- he's cheating because he needs something that he gets from these chats and hookups. And like all addicts who aren't dealing with their addiction, it's dependent upon the ability to rationalize the behavior and ignore the potential consequences.

Guys like your ex are able to compartmentalize- they view what they had with you as one thing and they view what they do with other guys as something else. He worries that you're going to cheat on him but that fear doesn't stop him from doing the same thing for you.

You might as well be asking if an alcoholic or a meth addict loves you. Yes, he may love you but what does love have to do with satisfying his addiction?

 

[sodson]

This is going to hurt for a while, and for that I'm very sorry. You had the misfortune to get mixed up with a player, and the lousy thing about the expert players is, they make you believe the lie so well that you end up thinking it must be your problem, because he has such a logical and believable explanation for everything. I've been there, so I understand.

The best thing you can do is cut this guy out of your life completely. No communication, delete him from every electronic device you possess. As far as you're concerned, he's dead. Then, just go about your normal daily business. Go to work, hang with your friends, do all the stuff you like to do. After a time, you'll find you think about him less and less until one day, you'll find you haven't thought about him at all.

I'm really sorry this guy hurt you. It'll get better in time, though. And if it puts a smile on your face, remember that karma's a bitch.

Best of luck to you. Stay strong.

I guess I should be lucky I discovered what I did the way I did. It would have been confused me further wondering if I had gone wrong some where and pushed him to do what I did. The dates and times of the incriminating text messages date back throughout the entire relationship. In a weird way, thank goodness for that.

Yes, I am trying to avoid our usual avenues of communication. Keyword is trying as every time he has so far, I've actually responded. It is getting farther in between though.

Thank you again for your advice.

 

[sodson]

Good, I understand. The point is: Do not let anything that happened between the two of you change the thing that you are.
He is not worth that much.
Regardless, remove him of your life, completely. That is the only way.

omg yes. I am trying to cope with this---without it changing my inherent trust in people. I'm the type that tends to give someone all my trust until they prove me wrong, even if it's a "new" date. It's both a blessing and a curse, and one of the reasons this particular instance has hit me so hard. :/

It still boggles my mind, how he won't admit anything or even have the decency to say sorry.

Thank you again.

 

[sodson]

What you're asking is, "Was this relationship real?". More than likely, it was.

But the danger in this thinking is that it misses the point. Your ex has an addiction- he's cheating because he needs something that he gets from these chats and hookups. And like all addicts who aren't dealing with their addiction, it's dependent upon the ability to rationalize the behavior and ignore the potential consequences.

Guys like your ex are able to compartmentalize- they view what they had with you as one thing and they view what they do with other guys as something else. He worries that you're going to cheat on him but that fear doesn't stop him from doing the same thing for you.

You might as well be asking if an alcoholic or a meth addict loves you. Yes, he may love you but what does love have to do with satisfying his addiction?

Wow. That is a great way of putting it. I really hope he learns eventually. I don't know what it will take or if that's even possible. I kind of think I'm screwed up some how since I actually thought of getting back together at one point and now I sympathize with him. Logically, I WANT to be angry so that he knows he just can't get away with it, but I'm not. Reading all these responses and our interactions though, it would seem he's incapable of feeling any sort of consequence/responsibility.

Thanks again for the great response that puts the situation in a different perspective.

 

[Seasoned]

Actually, there's only one perspective. He wasn't and isn't emotionally available. Now it's time for you to concentrate on you.

 

[KaraBulut]

actually, there's only one perspective. He wasn't and isn't emotionally available. Now it's time for you to concentrate on you.

^qft

 

[Georgiadude]

I kept doing what your doing for a little while and honestly it made it harder to finally cut off all ties. Part of me felt bad for him, part of me still loved him and part of me wanted to kill him (not literally of course). I enjoyed the attention. It felt good to have someone call or text me. However, you have to realize his view on love and relationships is skewed. He doesn't look at them the same as "normal" people do. Until he gets some help for HIS issues he's not going to change. He's going to keep doing what he's doing and leaving a trail of hurt people behind him. It's possible he doesn't understand that what he's doing is extremely hurtful to someone. If he does understand he doesn't really care. He cares about how many guys are giving him attention. By continuing contact you're playing his game and that's exactly what he wants. I promise you. As soon as you cut him off he will just keep moving right along. He wont be fazed a bit.

Steven.

 

[sodson]

Update, he sent a pic this morning of a rose. The caption said "before the rebirth." It's from a comic series we both follow(ed).

I didn't respond. He text several hrs later saying "i guess u forgot about me".

Still have not responding, but it's killing me...

 

[KaraBulut]

Update, he sent a pic this morning of a rose. The caption said "before the rebirth." It's from a comic series we both follow(ed).

I didn't respond. He text several hrs later saying "i guess u forgot about me".

Still have not responding, but it's killing me...

By the way, when the emotional manipulation doesn't work, he will resort to anger and retribution.

 

[sodson]

so....yeah I failed guys. He texted again several times this morning asking why I was ignoring him. I had done well ignoring him all yesterday. I ignored the texts again today.

But around 130 PM he calls me. There's a split second of hesitation and I gave in and answered.

He asked why I was being a butt. I said I had nothing to say and I was busy. He says he thought of me because a character shirt came in that he knows I like. We get to talking about the usual stuff we like to do. He ends up asking if he can come over tomorrow night.

I said I guess...

we talked for a bit more, but I had to go back to work. Right afterwards I felt a little weird again.

(dodges the tomatoes...i just still missed him)

 

[loveguys72]

Of course you miss him. I'd wonder about you if you didn't. You don't invest emotionally in someone like that and then when it ends, just walk away like nothing happend. FWIW, seeing him is a big mistake. He'll charm you and sweet talk you and convince you everything can be wonderful if only YOU would be more trusting. And the hell of it is, he'll make you believe it really was your fault for not trusting him.

You're gonna do what you're gonna do. But all of us here have told you that this guy is toxic as an a-bomb. For your own good, get and stay as far the hell away from him as you possibly can. Having anything to do with him will just end up with you being hurt all over again, and worse than this time.

 

[Nishin]

Some guys just love to get hurt... are you one of them?

 

[egourena]

Dont be so harsh on the guy, he is hurt. And sometimes we just slip because we still have feelings for the idiots. He has to realize that guy hurted him so much, and maybe seen him would help.
Lets hope he doesnt get into that relationship again, and goes back up and finds a nice guy doesnt treat him like garbage.

We all support you boy, you are too great for that idiot

 

[Rendro]

I was following this discussion closely, because I could relate to the situation to a great extent. Any updates?