I'm not sure what to do, honestly...

[ChekhovLover]

First, I know this probably looks like I just joined to get advice, but this just happens to be really bothering me, and I figured I'd ask you guys...

So, at my college, there is this guy that I really like. And not in just a sexual/physical way. I try to not engage in relationships where there is only a sexual drive, because there is nothing long-term that can develop there, from what I've heard from people I have talked to. But with him, it feels different. The more I hang out with him, the more I find out we have a decent amount in common. The more I talk to him, the more attracted I am to him. He has a great personality, and is just..well, generally awesome. He plays guitar and sings, too, which is really hot. But I digress.

The problem is, I can't really tell if he is gay/bi. I mean, sometimes he gives hints, but I kind of just blow them off because I chalk it up to my mind wanting for him to be gay/bi and I'm trying to kid myself, or make myself content (for example, one time I kept thinking he was playing with my foot under the table, but for all I know he could just have an over-spastic foot).

He has a strong Christian background from what I can tell, and he really only listens to Christian bands. I want to just ask him, but I'm afraid that it would ruin the friendship that we have developed over the past semester, or make things too awkward to continue a friendship. I also am afraid to ask because I'm not sure...

What should I do? Cause I'm really starting to like this guy.

 

[KaraBulut]

What should I do? Cause I'm really starting to like this guy.

Be honest about being bi.

Two problems here:

1. You're not out to him.
2. Yet you want him to be out to you

If you're out to him and he has something to say, he's more likely to say it if there's honesty and openness in your relationship.

But the problem is that- if he is a conservative Christian- coming out to him may make him reject you as a friend. If that's the case, you'd be better off without him.

 

[Lube]

What KaraBulut said.

And I think he probably is gay, but either closeted or in denial.

 

[G-Lexington]

This is as common as muck (if muck were common) here at JUB. "I'm gay, I don't want anyone to know I'm gay, but I think my friend is gay, but I can't tell if he's gay." For some reason, it's OK for US to hold our card close to our chests and not let anybody know...but we want to be able to tell if everybody else is. Nope. It don't work like that.

The best way to find out is to be honest about yourself. Coming out to him will be his cue to come out to you. And if he doesn't, it either means he isn't, or he isn't ready to.

Lex

 

[ChekhovLover]

Sorry for posting a common thing. And I WANT people to know, and I want him to know, and I know this sounds like an excuse, but there are certain situations in my life right now that makes me kind of scared to. Since that's a whole other cup of tea, I don't think anyone wants to hear about it. Haha.

Thanks for your responses, guys. I kind of had a feeling what you said was the answer, and I kind of felt like I was being selfish wanting him to come out without me being honest, but...eh, I dunno.

:/

 

[G-Lexington]

If "circumstances dictate staying in the closet", and you decide to stay in, so be it. But don't be surprised that it's the out guys who go out and find dates and boyfriends.

Lex

 

[TX-Beau]

Sorry for posting a common thing. And I WANT people to know, and I want him to know, and I know this sounds like an excuse, but there are certain situations in my life right now that makes me kind of scared to. Since that's a whole other cup of tea, I don't think anyone wants to hear about it. Haha.

Thanks for your responses, guys. I kind of had a feeling what you said was the answer, and I kind of felt like I was being selfish wanting him to come out without me being honest, but...eh, I dunno.

:/

Honey, we've all been there. Sure it's scary, it's jumping off into the unknown, and sacrificing all those comfy prerogatives straight people don't even realize they have. At some point, you just gotta grab your fuzzy ones and act.

Do you have ANY reason to suspect this guy is even interested in guys? If not, keep your mouth shut about wanting in his pants - but do tell him about yourself. You do not have the right to burden other people with your feelings if there's no point to doing so - and a straight guy will never thank you for this, they'll run the other way.

If you suspect he's some kind of fundie religious hater - what on earth makes you think you stand a chance?

Finally, which I have a habit of saying - if you're in the closet and he's in the close/straight - even if you managed to find out about him, where do you think this is going to go? Neither of you is in a position to start that long term relationship you mentioned above. You want commitment, forever? That requires honesty and communication - you're not going to get that if one or both of you is hiding and deceiving people on a regular basis. Closet relationships almost always end in recrimination and disappointment.

Here's what you do, you work on yourself until you're comfortable WITH yourself - and before you say anything, guys who are comfortable with themselves don't hide. When you are tolerable happy with your own damn self, THEN you go find a guy. A gay/Bi guy who's not in the closet.

 

[Lube]

Sorry for posting a common thing. And I WANT people to know, and I want him to know, and I know this sounds like an excuse, but there are certain situations in my life right now that makes me kind of scared to. Since that's a whole other cup of tea, I don't think anyone wants to hear about it. Haha.

Thanks for your responses, guys. I kind of had a feeling what you said was the answer, and I kind of felt like I was being selfish wanting him to come out without me being honest, but...eh, I dunno.

:/

No apology necessary. Just read as much as you can here, and you'll learn a lot about what it means to be gay and happy with yourself.

So, c'mon, spill the beans. What are those "certain situations in [your] life right now" that prevent you from coming out? It's your thread; do as you like.

 

[youngnihilist]

What about conservative Christian boys who always stare deep into your eyes, who are always checking you out...

Lots of conservative Christian closet cases. Do you have any evidence this one is that?

 

[ChekhovLover]

No apology necessary. Just read as much as you can here, and you'll learn a lot about what it means to be gay and happy with yourself.

So, c'mon, spill the beans. What are those "certain situations in [your] life right now" that prevent you from coming out? It's your thread; do as you like.

Currently I can't move into a dorm room due to financial problems, so I am living with my Dad. And he is a hardcore Christian. Like, he won't tolerate homosexuality, or even bisexuality. The only freedom I have is when I'm at school, but due to the fact a couple of people from my church also go to my school, and we keep in close contact, I still don't feel comfortable. It's hard to explain. :/

@youngnihilist: As I said, it's hard to explain my "evidence". I'm not sure if it is my mind making me make his actions as flirting, or if it really is. During the semester I was hanging around between classes and he came up and we exchanged some friendly conversation, and then I asked if he was hanging around for class, and he said "Well, I kind of need to go to the mall, but I don't want to go alone." and I was like "Are you asking if I want to go with you?" and he was like "If you want."

That's not really like, concrete evidence. Or evidence at all, really. Unless I'm really thick. Lol.

 

[KaraBulut]

In spite of all the hints and symbols, the only way to know if someone is gay is when they say, "I'm gay" or when you have sex with them.

And even the sex thing is a little dodgy these days.

Usually in these threads, we tell people not to come out until they are sure they will have some degree of security- a roof over their head, food, an education, etc.

It sounds like that is an issue for you, so you're going to have to stay on the down low until you finish school.

But that doesn't mean that you can't get out and meet some people and have some gay friends. And it will do you a world of good to get some gay and bi friends- you'll worry less about your ambiguously sexual Christian friend once you do.

 

[Lube]

Currently I can't move into a dorm room due to financial problems, so I am living with my Dad. And he is a hardcore Christian. Like, he won't tolerate homosexuality, or even bisexuality. The only freedom I have is when I'm at school, but due to the fact a couple of people from my church also go to my school, and we keep in close contact, I still don't feel comfortable. It's hard to explain. :/

@youngnihilist: As I said, it's hard to explain my "evidence". I'm not sure if it is my mind making me make his actions as flirting, or if it really is. During the semester I was hanging around between classes and he came up and we exchanged some friendly conversation, and then I asked if he was hanging around for class, and he said "Well, I kind of need to go to the mall, but I don't want to go alone." and I was like "Are you asking if I want to go with you?" and he was like "If you want."

That's not really like, concrete evidence. Or evidence at all, really. Unless I'm really thick. Lol.

Well, at a minimum, it's evidence he wants to further the friendship. Not really enough evidence to say he wants to have sex.

Since you are in a sticky situation with respect to finances, I'd recommend what KaraBulut said, with maybe one caveat: If you do want to continue finding out about this Christian friend, I would slowly push the envelope about becoming more physical, but not mention the 'gay' word unless he does first.

In other words, maybe touch his arm or give him a massage or something, and if he doesn't protest, keep doing it more and more. Eventually it might turn into something if you don't acknowledge what it is verbally.

You do, however, run the risk of him turning on you. It's a sticky situation, as well.

 

[aijalon18]

OMG i dont think I could ever be attracted to someone who only listened to Christian bands. I say move on.

 

[ChekhovLover]

Well, at a minimum, it's evidence he wants to further the friendship. Not really enough evidence to say he wants to have sex.

Since you are in a sticky situation with respect to finances, I'd recommend what KaraBulut said, with maybe one caveat: If you do want to continue finding out about this Christian friend, I would slowly push the envelope about becoming more physical, but not mention the 'gay' word unless he does first.

In other words, maybe touch his arm or give him a massage or something, and if he doesn't protest, keep doing it more and more. Eventually it might turn into something if you don't acknowledge what it is verbally.

You do, however, run the risk of him turning on you. It's a sticky situation, as well.

@KaraBulut: Yeah...I've been meaning to go to the GLBT meetings at my school, but my classes/major has been getting in the way, time wise. And the day it's positioned is also bad. xD

@aijalon18: Lol, thanks. I'll think about that.

@Lube: See, I never really want to push anything, since he's always so awkward when we talk, or even when we are in a group with friends. Sometimes he's pretty neutral, but most of the time he seems/acts awkward. I never really wanted to push anything, or push anything physical, because I was afraid it would just make him more awkward. But I also considered the possiblity he was awkward because he is closeted and is just..awkward for some reason.

 

[Lube]

@Lube: See, I never really want to push anything, since he's always so awkward when we talk, or even when we are in a group with friends. Sometimes he's pretty neutral, but most of the time he seems/acts awkward. I never really wanted to push anything, or push anything physical, because I was afraid it would just make him more awkward. But I also considered the possiblity he was awkward because he is closeted and is just..awkward for some reason.

Well, when are you awkward? When you like someone but are afraid to make a move.

If he's that awkward, maybe he is crushing on you.

Normally in this situation I would be say don't push but rather show him what an out, proud, religious person can be like--set a role model. But it sounds like you're not ready for that. So it's hard to say what to do.

 

[ChekhovLover]

Well, when are you awkward? When you like someone but are afraid to make a move.

If he's that awkward, maybe he is crushing on you.

Normally in this situation I would be say don't push but rather show him what an out, proud, religious person can be like--set a role model. But it sounds like you're not ready for that. So it's hard to say what to do.

Yeah...I always thought he was just socially shy, since he's always quiet and looks uncomfortable. But I'm not sure. Maybe he is crushing. I'll never know unless I just go for it.

 

[Lefty]

Go for the friendship

Later you will know if you even want to

Damn the torpedos...full speed ahead or just keep the friendship afloat.

 

[aijalon18]

I'm not sure it's worth the effort to drag this boy outta the closet if he is even in one. ANd often what happens is after someone painstakingly does pull someone from the closet that newly gay person ends up being interested in someone else. All that work can go totally unrewarded. So like others I say to save yourself grief just go for the friendship and if things unfold on their own then fine.