I'm not sure where my relationship is going

[altlover85]

I've been with my bf for 3 years. I really like him as a person and we get along well. The sex is good, but it's not as often as I'd like and I've been thinking of other guys lately. Today I was horny and we hadn't had sex in days. I had a wicked hang over and one guy I hooked up with messaged me. I didn't want to jerk off because I knew I would be having sex, but he and I did talk dirty a bit and I was more forward about it than I usually am. I played with myself a little bit and mentioned I was hard, but I didn't jerk off. Then he signed off and I was still horny so I chatted with another guy, but this guy I'd never met and probably never will because he's a flake in general. We talked dirty, but again, I didn't jerk off.

My bf is pretty open to me flirting with other guys and I was really horny, so I don't really know what to make of what I did. I don't think of it as a good sign, but I don't think it's the end of the world either. I don't have plans to see anyone else as he and I are exclusive. However, I don't know if I'm just not as into him as I used to be or what. We had sex tonight and it was okay, but not as great as I thought it was going to be.

We aren't living together and probably won't be. I tried to learn how to drive, as it was a condition for living with him, but I don't like driving and so I decided I wasn't going to. I will probably be moving to either Boston (where he lives) or NYC for law school in a few years. In the meantime I'm studying for the LSAT. I also volunteer once in a while.

He hasn't met my family, but I've met his daughter and her family. We get along okay and don't have any issues. He doesn't seem to really want to meet my family. It just adds to the whole we aren't that serious feel.

I don't know if we should break up or what. I think in a way this is a good relationship for me because it's not as serious, but in other ways I feel like I want more and probably won't get it.

I don't know if I can see being single, but I'm not as into the relationship as I used to be I guess. I feel weird about the whole thing, especially in light of this morning. He doesn't know and I may tell him, but I don't know how big of a deal it really is.

Any insight or opinions are welcomed even if I may not like what they say. I'm sort of half venting and half asking for advice.

 

[TJx123]

Well Im no wise experienced relationship kind of person but it sounds like maybe you've just hit a rough spot in your relationship.

the only thing I could suggest is talk about it with him.
It sounds like you still care about the relationship seeing as you're posting about it. So just express your concerns to him, and im not saying you have to tell him about the morning flirting or not, thats totally up to you.

and If youre concerned that you have a good thing going and you dont want to say anything to mess that up. sometimes you need to...

had I talked about my concerns with my last boyfriend, ...we would probably still be together, i didnt want to discuss anything like that because we had a solid thing going i thought...and now we dont even speak to each other. but thats neither here nor there.

but totally up to you. thats just my 2 cents

 

[fetaby]

I've been with my bf for 3 years. I really like him as a person and we get along well. The sex is good, but it's not as often as I'd like Is it ever? and I've been thinking of other guys lately. Who doesn't? Today I was horny and we hadn't had sex in days. I had a wicked hang over and one guy I hooked up with messaged me. I didn't want to jerk off because I knew I would be having sex, but he and I did talk dirty a bit and I was more forward about it than I usually am. I played with myself a little bit and mentioned I was hard, but I didn't jerk off. Then he signed off and I was still horny so I chatted with another guy, but this guy I'd never met and probably never will because he's a flake in general. We talked dirty, but again, I didn't jerk off.

My bf is pretty open to me flirting with other guys and I was really horny, so I don't really know what to make of what I did.Clarity? Is he cool with you being with other guys? Or just flirting with other guys? And I wouldn't worry too much if there was a separation of physicality by electricity. I don't think of it as a good sign, but I don't think it's the end of the world either. Eh, you jerked off. I don't have plans to see anyone else as he and I are exclusive. Key point.However, I don't know if I'm just not as into him as I used to be or what. We had sex tonight and it was okay, but not as great as I thought it was going to be. Sex isn't going to be the best time ever every time. There is going to be not so spectacular sex, it's how you know the difference between ok sex and earth shattering sex. Nothing unusual here.

We aren't living together and probably won't be. I tried to learn how to drive, as it was a condition for living with him, but I don't like driving and so I decided I wasn't going to. Stalling technique. If you learned to drive, there'd be no reason not to live together yes? Define your fear. I will probably be moving to either Boston (where he lives) or NYC for law school in a few years. In the meantime I'm studying for the LSAT. I also volunteer once in a while. That's cool.

He hasn't met my family, but I've met his daughter and her family. We get along okay and don't have any issues. He doesn't seem to really want to meet my family. It just adds to the whole we aren't that serious feel. Have you communicated this feeling to him? If not, it's not fair to say how he feels about it.

I don't know if we should break up or what. I think in a way this is a good relationship for me because it's not as serious, but in other ways I feel like I want more and probably won't get it. Screams lack of communication. It's okay to not know what you want, it's not ok to stay with him if you know he's not what you want.

I don't know if I can see being single, but I'm not as into the relationship as I used to be I guess. I feel weird about the whole thing, especially in light of this morning. He doesn't know and I may tell him, but I don't know how big of a deal it really is.

Any insight or opinions are welcomed even if I may not like what they say. I'm sort of half venting and half asking for advice.

Really though, you've got to decide what it is you want for yourself and out of this relationship, and then see if he's able to provide that. Whatever happens, wishing you the best.

 

[KaraBulut]

You've got a 3 year, fairly non-committal relationship.

You've talked about what you are getting from that relationship.

You haven't talked about what you want from a relationship.

When you're clear on what you're wanting in a relationship and when you have time/energy to commit to the relationship that you want, then you will have to decide whether this guy is going to be able to provide the kind of relationship that you want.

Until then, just enjoy it for what it is.

 

[sixthson]

You described your relationship of 3 years in cold, analytical terms without once mentioning love. How is that possible?

 

[altlover85]

Something here doesn't sound right. You've been together 3 years and you "get along well"? That sounds like an odd kind of relationship (especially since you mentioned you were exclusive). Do you love each other?

I love him, but maybe there's a wall up of some sort because things aren't as serious as I'd like. Maybe I resent him and myself because of that. I don't feel the love like I used to.

Again, is it just the sex you are seeking? Maybe you're not getting enough. My advice here is, if you want to keep the relationship going, but need more, either ask your boyfriend if there is any possibility of you guys having more sex. If the sex is not satisfying you, why not talk to your boyfriend about it?

Sex is a big part of it. I was so frustrated earlier this week because we didn't have sex as soon as we usually do. I'm usually okay with once a week, but lately I haven't been, I guess.

Again, this sounds like you two are in trouble. Is there anything he can do to make the sex more exciting for you? Maybe it's time to spice up your sex lives.

I think having sex more often would help. But I don't even know if that's enough to be honest.

I have to ask here if driving is the only issue for you. It sounds to me like you kind of don't want to move into his house, maybe for good reasons. Is there any way for you two to compromise?

I did want to move in, but I don't want to drive. I wouldn't have even tried to learn how to drive if he hadn't said it was the only way I'd be able to move in with him. I spend a lot of time with him as it is, but we don't actually live together. He doesn't want to responsible for me getting to and from work and I don't blame him.

What is missing in this relationship? What more do you want? What can you get that you can't have with him?

What's missing is a greater meshing of our lives. We also don't have sex enough, but that hasn't been an issue, save for the few weeks. There's a lot I really love about him, but there's some sort of energy (perhaps love?) inequality that I've been feeling lately.

Being single is not the plague! If you are not happy, talk to your boyfriend. If things don't resolve from there, give it a little time. If things still don't get better, I'm gunna say it, better to be single then to be unhappy in a relationship.

I do need to talk to him.

Really though, you've got to decide what it is you want for yourself and out of this relationship, and then see if he's able to provide that. Whatever happens, wishing you the best.

I actually didn't jerk off as I never came or even got close to it. I still feel bad about it though.

I agree that I have to figure out what I want.

You've got a 3 year, fairly non-committal relationship.

You've talked about what you are getting from that relationship.

You haven't talked about what you want from a relationship.

When you're clear on what you're wanting in a relationship and when you have time/energy to commit to the relationship that you want, then you will have to decide whether this guy is going to be able to provide the kind of relationship that you want.

Until then, just enjoy it for what it is.

I guess maybe that's the issue. I enjoy it, but then am also dissatisfied. I need to decide what I want and go from there.

You described your relationship of 3 years in cold, analytical terms without once mentioning love. How is that possible?

I thought about that after I posted last night while I was in bed. Sometimes when I'm anxious I get cold and analytical. As I said before, I do love him, but the love seems to be weakening with time. Yesterday, I became aware of it much more concretely.

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

[Echoes]

Relationships have ups and downs as I'm sure you know. I think you're going through a "down." You can actually take advantage of that and take a deeper look at your relationship, see if you'd like to change something or maybe end it, it's up to you really whether you like to carry on with it or not.

best of luck.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks Echoes. I guess I was just surprised by the suddenness of my feelings coming to the forefront. I'm going to talk to him soon.

 

[Georgiadude]

I read your initial post 3 times and noted how un emotional it felt to me. You never stated that you love him. In fact you stated you "like" him as a person. I found that very odd. Especially for a relationship that is over 3 years in the process. I got the impression that you are in the relationship basically for sex. You talked how you weren't going to be living together and that you aren't "into the relationship like I used to be." I've read the replies and thought that Huntneo was pretty much spot on with his assessment.

I think this relationship is in serious trouble. In fact I think part of you has already moved on. Your openly flirting with guys and having doubts about the future with him. You really need to figure out what you want and if he is able to give that to you. After you've done some thinking you need to sit down with him and be honest about how you feel. Please don't feel like I'm trying to bust on you. I'm not. If you feel the relationship has run it's course then it's time to move on. That happens to most relationships. However he deserves to know how you feel.

Steven.

 

[altlover85]

I read your initial post 3 times and noted how un emotional it felt to me. You never stated that you love him. In fact you stated you "like" him as a person. I found that very odd. Especially for a relationship that is over 3 years in the process. I got the impression that you are in the relationship basically for sex. You talked how you weren't going to be living together and that you aren't "into the relationship like I used to be." I've read the replies and thought that Huntneo was pretty much spot on with his assessment.

I think this relationship is in serious trouble. In fact I think part of you has already moved on. Your openly flirting with guys and having doubts about the future with him. You really need to figure out what you want and if he is able to give that to you. After you've done some thinking you need to sit down with him and be honest about how you feel. Please don't feel like I'm trying to bust on you. I'm not. If you feel the relationship has run it's course then it's time to move on. That happens to most relationships. However he deserves to know how you feel.

Steven.

Frankly, I haven't been feeling the love lately. He's been working this week and we haven't had a lot of time to spend together. I do love him, but I've always known this wasn't going to be a lifetime relationship. He's 71 and I'm 25.

I thought maybe the relationship was going to go deeper, but I've tried driving and don't feel like that's something that's in my future, so he and I living together is not doable. He's not open to compromising about that and I understand that, even if I don't like it.

I've flirted with guys since the beginning, but not as much as I did a few days ago. We've always been pretty lax about it. I don't know if much has really changed in the relationship, or if I'm just coming to the realization that this is as good as it gets. I've known we weren't going to be living together for a good 2 years if not longer.

I don't even know what to say to him. I've thought about saying something like "things have changed", but I'm not sure what's changed exactly. In a way the relationship has always seemed like it's long term boyfriends, but never really long term partners.

I really don't know why I want things to be more serious. I just have this idea of what a relationship should be like in 3 years (similar to the idea I had of my life at 25) and neither my life or my relationship are living up to my preconceived notions. But is that really that bad? Maybe things are where they're supposed to be? I don't know.

Thanks for responding Steven.

 

[MorrisseyX]

Hello Op, I have to ask the question why are you dating a 71 year old?

I hope I don't upset you but perhaps the huge age difference is a factor?

I remember one guy I went out with in 2002 we had a 24 year age difference. I liked the guy and he's a nice man but I felt like he was too much older than me. I felt like I still want to experience life with someone I can relate to not with someone that's already lived it.

Now of course, there are relationships that can work between older and young men. But the age gap between you and your boyfriend is huge.

You are very young and I would suggest seriously considering asking yourself if you want to continue this relationship or not?

As a young gay man you do have options and I think it is only natural you want to date other guys.

It sounds me as though you really don't want to settle down. You have to follow your heart and your gut. If you feel this older man is not giving you what you want then move on. You deserve happiness and you should not settle for anything less.

Also, being single isn't all that bad maybe by spending time alone you can reflect on what you want and don't want.

 

[Lube]

You seem not to be in love with him (at least, not anymore) and there are so many stumbling blocks (driving, distance, not living together, etc.).

3 years along and you're still essentially just dating.

If there's no real commitment from either one of you, why is it so hard to break up? Maybe he's feeling the same way?

 

[altlover85]

Hello Op, I have to ask the question why are you dating a 71 year old?

I've always been attracted to older guys. I initially wanted an FWB situation. I wasn't planning on dating him or even being exclusive. However, once we met I was really attracted to him and I felt like there was something special about him. I decided I didn't want to see anyone else and a few months later asked him to be exclusively my boyfriend.

I hope I don't upset you but perhaps the huge age difference is a factor?

I think it definitely is because I know the relationship won't be life-long.

I remember one guy I went out with in 2002 we had a 24 year age difference. I liked the guy and he's a nice man but I felt like he was too much older than me. I felt like I still want to experience life with someone I can relate to not with someone that's already lived it.

I've never really felt I couldn't relate to someone because of their age. I've also always been attracted (emotionally and sexually) to older men (35+) so while I could get along with people my own age and probably would be more in sync with them in terms of energy level, the sexual aspect isn't strong, and sex is extremely important to me.

Now of course, there are relationships that can work between older and young men. But the age gap between you and your boyfriend is huge.

Yeah. I mean I knew how old he was to begin with, so I'm not sure how much the age difference affects things, outside of the idea that it probably won't be a life-long relationship.

You are very young and I would suggest seriously considering asking yourself if you want to continue this relationship or not?

I'm definitely thinking things over. I really have difficulty imagining life without him and he has a combination of traits that most guys his age don't have (openness to new things, likes to go out) which is one of the things I love the most about him. When that's combined with his sense of humor, kindness, thoughtfulness and sexual attractiveness, I find it hard to imagine someone that would be a better fit.

As a young gay man you do have options and I think it is only natural you want to date other guys.

It sounds me as though you really don't want to settle down. You have to follow your heart and your gut. If you feel this older man is not giving you what you want then move on. You deserve happiness and you should not settle for anything less.

I think my general indecisiveness is the major issue.

Also, being single isn't all that bad maybe by spending time alone you can reflect on what you want and don't want.

You make a logical point.

You seem not to be in love with him (at least, not anymore) and there are so many stumbling blocks (driving, distance, not living together, etc.).

3 years along and you're still essentially just dating.

If there's no real commitment from either one of you, why is it so hard to break up? Maybe he's feeling the same way?

I have this love-hate relationship with the idea of commitment. There's part of me that likes the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life, but another part of me that really can't imagine that right now because my life isn't sorted out. Maybe that's why I'm still in this relatively low commitment relationship.

I think I'm still with my boyfriend because he's a great guy and we have a strong connection. I do love him and he loves me too, but I don't think it's the kind of love that will end in a marriage.

I wouldn't mind something serious, but since I don't have my career sorted out, it doesn't really make sense. I'm not settled, so how much of a commitment can I expect someone else to have?

 

[Lube]

I have this love-hate relationship with the idea of commitment. There's part of me that likes the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life, but another part of me that really can't imagine that right now because my life isn't sorted out. Maybe that's why I'm still in this relatively low commitment relationship.

I think I'm still with my boyfriend because he's a great guy and we have a strong connection. I do love him and he loves me too, but I don't think it's the kind of love that will end in a marriage.

I wouldn't mind something serious, but since I don't have my career sorted out, it doesn't really make sense. I'm not settled, so how much of a commitment can I expect someone else to have?

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable discussion to have with your bf.

 

[altlover85]

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable discussion to have with your bf.

I've had a few conversations about where things are going (I had one a few months ago and one last fall because our anniversary is September 29th), but they haven't really gone anywhere. I seem to back down and say the whole "my life isn't sorted out" bit, but then I don't really make any demands or anything like that. Plus, I seem to not remember exactly what he says to me when we have the talks. I think sometimes I don't give him enough time to talk.

When I talked to him about my fears that I might have to move to NYC for law school, I told him that I would still be able to go back and forth to Boston. I basically wanted to let him know that I may have to move in the future. He didn't really say much outside of his usual "I worry about what will happen to you when I'm gone" and "I want to make sure you start to get your stuff (he means my future career plans) together" because he doesn't want me dependent on him.

He never expresses concern that my possible moving might mean we won't be together anymore. He does express concerns when he doesn't have as much energy as usual, or if we aren't having sex a lot, or he's busy with work.

I'm going to have a serious talk with him the next time I see him (which will probably be next weekend) or I may call him. I'd rather have the talk in person though.