So here is the story. I went and studied abroad in Australia about one and half years ago and I met this very interesting guy in one of my classes. We hit it off really well and became very good friends ever since. He's just about the sweetest, the most amiable guy I've ever known; he cares alot about other people, genuinely, and wouldn't mind helping anyone with almost anything (I once got so hammered in a pub and he drove all the way from his apartment, which was 2 hours away from where I was, to come and pick me up, and that was 2 in the morning.)
We hang out a lot more after that. He's not the type of party guy so we would just be going fishing, museums, concerts...or just be strolling down the city every time we were free from school and work, just the two of us (he didn't have many close friends). Mind you, I was never a big fan of anything that doesn't involve alcohol and/or heavy metal but I was absolutely captivated by his amazing knowledge and passion of arts and philosophies and really got myself into it. I stopped being such a drunkard around him (meaning pretty much all the time) and I've learnt to look at life in a more cheerful way. I thought how lucky I was to meet this incredible guy and inevitably soon afterward, I realised I'd developed a crush on him. I felt like I was in heaven just being able to see or hear from him everyday and there wasn't a day when we at least didn't send some text messages to each other, asking how we were.
The thing is, I never told him that I was gay nor did anything too obvious to show that I was falling for him. I once asked if he had a girlfriend and he just smiled and said it was not the time for him to be attached in a relationship yet. But that was when I just got to know him and he might feel the "obligation" to say that he's straight (I'm not sure, that's what I hope.) Our conversations later on involved anything but women, which strengthens my belief that he might be gay as well. The semester I spent in Australia with him was probably the happiest days of my life. I've found someone who shares so many interests in common, someone I can talk to and understand me (of course, not about everything), someone I consider greater than just my best friend.
....And the day I had to say goodbye to him finally came as I needed to return to my home uni for my next semester. It was horrible. We cooked and had dinner together; we laughed and talked normally as if nothing was to happen, but I knew a part of me had been shattered. I couldn't concentrate on our conversations; all I kept thinking about was not being able to see him the next day. It was late and he needed to go to bed early so he could catch the plane back home to New Zealand next morning. We then hugged goodbye and in that moment I was shaking and I just wanted to kiss him so passionately with all my heart. But of course, what a coward I was that I mustered all my strength and just said that I wish him all the best. He said thank God for bringing me there and giving him a friend he could trust and that he would miss having me around a lot. He left and I broke down, squatted on the floor, propped against the wall and went through the most horrifying chain of emotions ever. I had a couple of days to stay before my flight home and I wandered around the city and my campus, kept staring at his windows and felt so empty inside....
Any way, we both got back home and still skype and facebook each other very often. Just like before, our conversations are passionate and amazing. We tell each other about our lives and how we miss each other and all the fun we had last semester. I thought that was it, the end of my crush and that it would fade away soon, but no; a year has passed by and my feelings for him remained intact. I am still utterly happy to catch him online, see his face and hear his voice.
Just a couple of days ago, his relationship status on facebook showed that he was "no longer listed as single" and he put down the "interested in women". So I was just kidding and said that I was so proud of him that he had grown up and found himself a nice lady. He said he just didn't want to show that to other people and that I might be the one to know the other "unsaid" reason he did it. I couldn't believe in my ears. I acted like a bloody fool and said I had to go out and do some work right now. I keep avoid the Internet and thinking if what he said is also what's in my head as well; I mean, I would trade anything I have to be with him but at the same time I don't want to risk jeopardising what we have so far. I wonder if I should initiate the question the next time we talk (which I've been avoiding lately) but I really don't know what I should ask or tell him now. I'm so confused....
Sorry guys for this such long post, I might have just wasted your precious time, but I'm stuck right now and I really don't know where to turn to. I know I'm such a coward for not letting him know the truth about my feelings but my, it's just much much harder than I thought it was. I wish that I could reassure myself that what he said was how I understood. What should I do now ?
We hang out a lot more after that. He's not the type of party guy so we would just be going fishing, museums, concerts...or just be strolling down the city every time we were free from school and work, just the two of us (he didn't have many close friends). Mind you, I was never a big fan of anything that doesn't involve alcohol and/or heavy metal but I was absolutely captivated by his amazing knowledge and passion of arts and philosophies and really got myself into it. I stopped being such a drunkard around him (meaning pretty much all the time) and I've learnt to look at life in a more cheerful way. I thought how lucky I was to meet this incredible guy and inevitably soon afterward, I realised I'd developed a crush on him. I felt like I was in heaven just being able to see or hear from him everyday and there wasn't a day when we at least didn't send some text messages to each other, asking how we were.
The thing is, I never told him that I was gay nor did anything too obvious to show that I was falling for him. I once asked if he had a girlfriend and he just smiled and said it was not the time for him to be attached in a relationship yet. But that was when I just got to know him and he might feel the "obligation" to say that he's straight (I'm not sure, that's what I hope.) Our conversations later on involved anything but women, which strengthens my belief that he might be gay as well. The semester I spent in Australia with him was probably the happiest days of my life. I've found someone who shares so many interests in common, someone I can talk to and understand me (of course, not about everything), someone I consider greater than just my best friend.
....And the day I had to say goodbye to him finally came as I needed to return to my home uni for my next semester. It was horrible. We cooked and had dinner together; we laughed and talked normally as if nothing was to happen, but I knew a part of me had been shattered. I couldn't concentrate on our conversations; all I kept thinking about was not being able to see him the next day. It was late and he needed to go to bed early so he could catch the plane back home to New Zealand next morning. We then hugged goodbye and in that moment I was shaking and I just wanted to kiss him so passionately with all my heart. But of course, what a coward I was that I mustered all my strength and just said that I wish him all the best. He said thank God for bringing me there and giving him a friend he could trust and that he would miss having me around a lot. He left and I broke down, squatted on the floor, propped against the wall and went through the most horrifying chain of emotions ever. I had a couple of days to stay before my flight home and I wandered around the city and my campus, kept staring at his windows and felt so empty inside....
Any way, we both got back home and still skype and facebook each other very often. Just like before, our conversations are passionate and amazing. We tell each other about our lives and how we miss each other and all the fun we had last semester. I thought that was it, the end of my crush and that it would fade away soon, but no; a year has passed by and my feelings for him remained intact. I am still utterly happy to catch him online, see his face and hear his voice.
Just a couple of days ago, his relationship status on facebook showed that he was "no longer listed as single" and he put down the "interested in women". So I was just kidding and said that I was so proud of him that he had grown up and found himself a nice lady. He said he just didn't want to show that to other people and that I might be the one to know the other "unsaid" reason he did it. I couldn't believe in my ears. I acted like a bloody fool and said I had to go out and do some work right now. I keep avoid the Internet and thinking if what he said is also what's in my head as well; I mean, I would trade anything I have to be with him but at the same time I don't want to risk jeopardising what we have so far. I wonder if I should initiate the question the next time we talk (which I've been avoiding lately) but I really don't know what I should ask or tell him now. I'm so confused....
Sorry guys for this such long post, I might have just wasted your precious time, but I'm stuck right now and I really don't know where to turn to. I know I'm such a coward for not letting him know the truth about my feelings but my, it's just much much harder than I thought it was. I wish that I could reassure myself that what he said was how I understood. What should I do now ?
