I'm Sick of this Pattern

[sixthson]

They don't want a relationship, they want to get laid and you're easy.

They lie and you believe them.

You need to decide what you want. Do you want a string of "intimate moments" or do you want a relationship.

You're having sex with guys you barely know and you're finding it disappointing. Why is that? Ask yourself.

 

[StlKj]

It's good you recognize it as a pattern, Quanchi. That's the first step in starting to break it.

You don't say how long you knew this person before you got "intimate," nor do you specify what that intimacy was, even though your past posts could lead one to assume you mean sex. How long did you know the guys you've been intimate with before you shared that with them? How much do you really get to know the person first, or make sure they really want to get to know you?

True intimacy comes through time and sharing of one's self emotionally with another person. Are you really taking the time to get to know someone in that way? Are they putting forth effort to get to know you?

What qualities have these men or these relationships possessed that indicate it's a pattern behavior for you?

Do you find yourself so desperate to be loved/understood/wanted that you rush into things and give away too much too soon?

Do you confuse false intimacy and/or sexual behaviors with love and respect?

You may be tired of the pattern, but until it stops serving you in some way, you will continue to repeat it. How does it serve you? What does it confirm for you in how you see yourself or how you see life in general? We draw towards us what we believe we deserve or what reinforces our opinions of ourselves.

So what does your pattern with men reveal about how you feel about you?

 

[DiaryOfAMadman]

Quanchi,

I must say, that although he put his response in a very clear cut and decisive post that I believe that SIXTHSON actually gave you the best advise. He was able to lay out in very blunt terms the reason that these encounters have become a problem for you. However again this is only an opinion, you must look within yourself to see if any of this resonates with you. I feel that there comes a time in the life of a gay man where he must draw the line between hunting for sex and looking for a relationship. There seem to be almost no similarities between the two, they actually both require a complete opposite way of thinking. Honestly it took me until last year when I was 24 to realize the difference between the two and decided that sex was no longer the priority or even desired outcome I had when meeting someone.

You seem like both a very nice and very sensitive man, and I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your future endeavors. If you wish to find a man who you want to meet more then 1 time to have sex with, then I hope you find it. If your looking for a man to spend the rest of your life with, well then I also hope you can find that too.

All the Best

 

[Spensed]

The other thought that occurs to me is that people have a sense if someone's really needs things to go in a certain way.

Even if they might be interested in following up in a relaxed or playful context, they may be reluctant to do so with that neediness in play. Too much intimacy. Too soon. It's easier to look for someone else to fool around with. You see straight guys doing this the whole time.

My guess is that the practical solution to this and to breaking your pattern is to focus on building up new gay contacts in a non-sexual and, if it's relevant, non alcohol/drug environment. You can use gay friends, gay interest groups and clubs, even support to theater clubs if you don't act, gay political and charity situations, etc. Pick a couple of that kind of way of expanding your social circle. If you already have a wide circle of gay contacts, then just make full use of that.

The idea is to take the focus off dating and your pattern and set up situations where you're meeting people through people you know. In that way, a date becomes a way of practising your social skills or having fun, because you have your friends, etc. to fall back on and you're not so vested in whether there's a follow up or not. The neediness and expectatons around the casual first stages of a potential relatiolnship are less likely to be there. Some people have this naturally or just want to play. Others have to work on it.

The other benefit of this strategy is that one or more of the people you meet through friends, etc. are more likely to have things in common with you than some stranger that you find attractive.

It's just another version of saying work on getting relaxed and being yourself before HE arrives. Guys hook into guys who are self-confident, have their own full lives and aren't automatically available (unless or until you know you're both on the same wavelength of expectations).

Hope that makes some sense. Obviously, just ignore it if it doesn't.

 

[JOHN B]

You deserve better Quanchi. It sounds like these guys just want sex and take advantage of you, knowing that you are looking for more. So either one of two things---either enjoy it for what it is to them, SEX; or when you meet a guy, get to know HIM first before getting to KNOW him. If he really likes you he will stick around even when you don't have sex with him right away.

 

[RicanDAB]

^^ Correct. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, the initial focal point should certainly not be sex. I have no idea how you're looking for these guys but be clear up front what you're looking for. By not doing that, you're setting yourself up for disappointment due to unclear expectations going into it.

How many dates do you go on before you and the other guy get intimate?

 

[UC3543]

Well first of all thanks. I posted this when I was pretty upset and just wanted to get it out. It's not so bad that this happens with every guy I meet. Actually now I'm taking thing much slower than I did before.

As for meeting these guys, I have been relying on the internet. I do have a profile with a lot of information, including what I'm looking for. BTW I'm not looking for anything long term, at least not right now. Actually I get a lot of messages from guys saying they read my profile and it sound like I have my shit together. Also they say I sound very intelligent and honest. If anybody wants to check it out, here's a link.

I really like your profile and something like that really appeals to me, as far as what you want right now and what you enjoy doing. I almost wish I lived in Mesa, AZ. The only advice I really have is to be patient and very picky and careful about who you meet in person. When in doubt - don't meet that person. If something just doesn't seem right about that person - don't meet him. Use your instincts and I'm sure eventually you'll find what you are looking for.

You seem very real. Wait to find someone else who is real also

 

[StlKj]

Quanchi,

Well, from your profile, Bud, I can tell two things about you:

One: You're easy to hurt.
Two: You tie sex and emotion together too easily.

How can I tell these things? Well, you put out there very early on that you've been hurt, and badly. You might think this would deter guys by letting them know up front that you don't want to be hurt again and won't stand for it. But the opposite is what it's going to draw. Think of an animal in the woods. If it projects confidence and danger, other animals tend to not fuck with it. If it seems pained or wounded, predators swoop in. In your first few sentences, you've put out a vibe that a predator understands--all I have to do is sell this guy on how I'm different and caring, and I'm in there.

You also say right up front that you're not looking for someone interested in just sex, but then your profile goes on to talk about sex for two and a half paragraphs of it. You discuss that you're inexperienced, that you like guidance, and you even say "I think whatever the other guy wants to do." Again, this lets anyone reading your profile know that he can take charge, play the sensitive guy role, and he might be able to get you to do just about anything.

Your profile portrays a young man who is vulnerable, unsure of himself in a lot of ways, and is looking for an older man who will guide him. I contend that it may very well attract an older man who smells someone who may be easy to manipulate, convince to go beyond his boundaries (if he has any), and leave.

How about projecting a young man who is confident in himself, knows what he wants, and doesn't discuss sex until the guy he is dating proves himself worthy of having as much detail as you revealed already?

 

[drhladnjak]

I agree a lot with what killjoke wrote. Your profile is sending mixed messages, which may only succeed in attracting the wrong kinds of guys. In addition to what others have said, it comes across as a bit confusing when you say you're not just looking for sex and imply that you're looking for something serious but then go on to say that you're not looking for anything long term. There are very few guys out there who are looking for something deep that's not going to last long.

Before you rewrite your profile, you might want to sit down and think deeply about what you're really looking for right now. You're young and recently out, so nobody's expecting you to have all the answers. But a little introspection might go a long way to keeping you from getting hurt so frequently in the future.

 

[youngnihilist]

Yep bud your profile advertises a wounded animal waiting to be preyed on. Project confidence and strength and you'll find like minded stable people.