D
DreamerGuy
Guest
I didn't come out to myself.. Not until very recently. In fact, only last Saturday. Prior to that, I was always asking myself questions. Questions like,
“Am I really gay?”
“Can’t this just be a phase?”
“What about Christianity?”
For you see, both my parents know about me. They’ve done what they could. They sent me to see councillors, but it didn’t work. I still found myself attracted to guys. I was in a boys’ school for a long time, so I thought that maybe perhaps if I mixed around with girls things would be better and I’d find that I was straight. I’m now five months in a school with both guys and girls. Throughout that whole period, I still found myself attracted to guys and guys only. Is this a phase? I don’t think so. I’ve had this ever since puberty came round the corner and entered my life. Maybe even some time before. Something just tells me that phases do not last for around five years. If so, I find it a really bad joke.
Well, last Saturday, I met this guy whom I had talked with previously on the net. We eventually engaged in mutual masturbation. Yeah, he was kissing parts of my body and our penises occasionally touched each other. Immediately after I was quiet and slightly confused about what I had done. It was only after some deep thinking I realised that I actually enjoyed the experience.
You know, it was a weird feeling. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like it washed over me. My body and soul. I am gay... I can’t pinpoint all the emotions running through my head, but the most obvious one was that of liberation. I somehow felt... free. I now felt like something had been taken off my shoulders. Yes, I had accepted myself for who I was.
Some time after that, I met up with an old friend of mine whom I found out was gay too. I had wanted to come out to the world on my blog but I wanted to be careful. Ironic as it might seem, I put the post on a public forum, asking them what they thought about it. I was relying on the anonymity of the internet, although I knew that he frequented that place. To my great surprise, he read it and afterwards came out to me. I was, to put it lightly, elated. I was so relieved that I had found someone like me in real life. Somebody who was my friend.
Then I began to come out to a few of my other friends. They’re fine with it. I've jumped over the first hurdle. I no longer am confused. Now that I’ve accepted myself for who I am, I really want to come out to the world. That's the next most difficult hurdle. Of course, the sad part is, this world I live in is more conservative than most. I’m not sure who I can come out to. I have to tread carefully. I plan to eventually come out to all my friends. I want them to know. As for family... Maybe... Someday...
Yeah, I know that I did something pretty stupid, engaging in a sexual act with a person I barely knew, putting myself at unnecessary risks. But you know, there’s this feeling inside me, telling me that if I had never done it, I would never have been able to accept the fact that I really am gay. I did tell the guy that I no longer wanted to do anything sexual with him anymore, as I wanted to make sure that the next person I’d have sex with would be someone I really loved and cared for. Of course, I also told him that we could still be friends. I just want to be careful.
I don’t know why I’m saying all this here. It’s just that I’m so happy that I’ve finally broken down the barriers to me discovering and recognising that I am who I am. I’ve accepted myself. World, now I just hope that you accept me.
“Am I really gay?”
“Can’t this just be a phase?”
“What about Christianity?”
For you see, both my parents know about me. They’ve done what they could. They sent me to see councillors, but it didn’t work. I still found myself attracted to guys. I was in a boys’ school for a long time, so I thought that maybe perhaps if I mixed around with girls things would be better and I’d find that I was straight. I’m now five months in a school with both guys and girls. Throughout that whole period, I still found myself attracted to guys and guys only. Is this a phase? I don’t think so. I’ve had this ever since puberty came round the corner and entered my life. Maybe even some time before. Something just tells me that phases do not last for around five years. If so, I find it a really bad joke.
Well, last Saturday, I met this guy whom I had talked with previously on the net. We eventually engaged in mutual masturbation. Yeah, he was kissing parts of my body and our penises occasionally touched each other. Immediately after I was quiet and slightly confused about what I had done. It was only after some deep thinking I realised that I actually enjoyed the experience.
You know, it was a weird feeling. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was like it washed over me. My body and soul. I am gay... I can’t pinpoint all the emotions running through my head, but the most obvious one was that of liberation. I somehow felt... free. I now felt like something had been taken off my shoulders. Yes, I had accepted myself for who I was.
Some time after that, I met up with an old friend of mine whom I found out was gay too. I had wanted to come out to the world on my blog but I wanted to be careful. Ironic as it might seem, I put the post on a public forum, asking them what they thought about it. I was relying on the anonymity of the internet, although I knew that he frequented that place. To my great surprise, he read it and afterwards came out to me. I was, to put it lightly, elated. I was so relieved that I had found someone like me in real life. Somebody who was my friend.
Then I began to come out to a few of my other friends. They’re fine with it. I've jumped over the first hurdle. I no longer am confused. Now that I’ve accepted myself for who I am, I really want to come out to the world. That's the next most difficult hurdle. Of course, the sad part is, this world I live in is more conservative than most. I’m not sure who I can come out to. I have to tread carefully. I plan to eventually come out to all my friends. I want them to know. As for family... Maybe... Someday...
Yeah, I know that I did something pretty stupid, engaging in a sexual act with a person I barely knew, putting myself at unnecessary risks. But you know, there’s this feeling inside me, telling me that if I had never done it, I would never have been able to accept the fact that I really am gay. I did tell the guy that I no longer wanted to do anything sexual with him anymore, as I wanted to make sure that the next person I’d have sex with would be someone I really loved and cared for. Of course, I also told him that we could still be friends. I just want to be careful.
I don’t know why I’m saying all this here. It’s just that I’m so happy that I’ve finally broken down the barriers to me discovering and recognising that I am who I am. I’ve accepted myself. World, now I just hope that you accept me.
Never forget that feeling.