I'm trying to come to terms with being gay

[ladude2011]

Hi everyone, I'm a new poster here, just came accross this site and it seems pretty good for discussion. Just wanted to get people's opinion on my dilemma. Well, basically, I've been attracted to men my whole life, had always fantasized about men growing up and never about women. Anyway, I never thought of myself as gay, I have been in denial about it, I don't know if I thought that eventually the feeelings would pass or as long as i didnt act on anything i wasn't gay. Or maybe I figured I could become straight anytime i wanted. I dont know. Well, eventually in my 20's i finally did start to have sex with men, and really enjoyed it. I would feel guilty afterwards at the beginning but as the yrs went on, i started not to feel as guilty anymore about having sex with men, but i would still not admit to being gay to myself. I dont know why but as I get older (I'm now in my early 30's) the gay feelings get stronger and I cant continue to deny it. I would always tell myself til recently that i'm not gay, even though I watch gay porn exclusively and am attracted to men only. Isn't that crazy? How could i deny being gay? But yet i was. Very recently, I decided to slowly accept it, but its a process. I am nowhere near telling anyone yet. Ive never posted on a forum like this about how i feel, and its kinda scary saying that I'm gay outloud (at least in print anyway) and I just was hoping to get advice or wondering if anyone has felt or had the same experience as I've had. Thanks.

 

[anchihiro]

Yes most gay people have trouble excepting it.

But you are gay.

Once you truly except it you'll realise that the world didn't end and you still have a life to lead. One which you will be much happier with once you've personally come to terms with your sexuality. There's nothing wrong with being gay, so step forward.

 

[Taz]

You've come to the right place buddy.

I've only been here couple of months but already I feel so much more comfortable about myself. And saying it to yourself is definitely the first step. You should try looking at yourself in the mirror and saying it, if you've got the guts to tell us here I bet you can say it out loud to yourself.

Anyway, hang around, we'll all accept you here

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. I'm proud of you for looking for help in coming out.

Here's my theory on the process. Family circumstance and our individual personalities determine the amount of difficulty we have in coming out to ourselves and others. Since society is heterosexist we all come to the realization alone and oftentimes afraid. Then, for a time and sometimes for a lifetime, we have a secret. My theory tells me that introverts have more difficulty than extroverts perhaps because they're more self conscious. Anyway, that is my backgound explanation of the internal process of coming out.

You have jumped those hurdles and are now poised to take the next steps in your own time. I hope you continue to rely on us for support. There is a certain amount of fear to overcome, but 99% of people can tell you that the fear was ill conceived and nothing feels better than taking one's rightful place alongside family, friends and colleagues.

Come back often. Feel free to private message members.

Good wishes and good luck!

 

[jensu846]

I was exactly like you as far as denying I was gay. I would always fantasize about men while jacking off, then after I had cum, I would feel horrible & go about my day looking at pretty girls & thinking I will eventually see the "perfect" girl that will trip my trigger, & i will be straight & live with her, etc.. I would NEVER say outloud to myself, " I am gay" until I turned 27. I finally couldnt keep lying to myself or others. It was just too much. So I came out then & my only regret is that I waited so long. I'm 38 now & things are much better than I thought they could ever be! When I was younger, I always pictured myself taking my secret to the grave with me, but keeping that secret is exactly what was driving me there much too quickly!
Glad to hear you are starting to realize you're gay & coming to terms with it. hope you have an easy journey! best wishes bro.

 

[mbamike]

Yelp, your story is very familiar to mine and a good number of other guys on this site.

WELCOME to JUB!

 

[Spiff]

Don't let yourself feel pressured into needing to come out. Especially when you are just coming to terms with it yourself. Get comfortable with yourself first before expecting others with which you socialize to. Enjoy life, keep enjoying the relationships with men like you already have been. Nothing else is required of you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Welcome to JUB. Congrats on your first post.

What defines "coming out" to most people is telling other people that you are gay. But that definition misses the most important part: admitting to yourself that you are gay.

Around here, you'll find lots of guys who have had the same experience as you and the same struggles with self-admission. It's not uncommon at all.

 

[NCDogGuy]

Hi ladude,
Welcome to JUB. This forum is a very supportive place and taking that first step of admitting on a forum "I'm gay" can be scary and difficult for a lot of us.

I'm convinced coming out to yourself is the hardest step. And then loving yourself afterwards is also hard.

(You can read my thread for my experience - 44yo coming out to himself in midlife. But this thread is about you.)

No one, no counselor, no one here, no one at all can tell you whether you are gay or not. That realization comes from inside. And the way most of us were raised, accepting that realization means overcoming a lot of unpleasant emotions.

But, I'm convinced it can be done and is worth it. Carrying around a horrible secret ("I'm gay") that you are terrified of others finding out is not healthy. It is a toxic state of mind.

Posting here was not your first step. You've probably been making lots of little steps on your way to understanding yourself. But this is a big step for you. You will be ok. It may be easy. Or you may have big ups and downs.

If the downs get too bad, or you feel you are stuck and starting to really dislike yourself because you feel you are gay, I really encourage finding a good therapist. "Good" means one who will help you discover your truth.

Good luck. Please keep posting. PM different posters that "speak" to your heart. You will be ok.

 

[ladude2011]

Hi everyone, thank you so much for all your responses to my post. I am still coming to terms with this, but for the first time ever, I think im beginning to be ok with it, although at times Im still wishing it wasnt true. Im so grateful that I'm not alone in feeling like this, and Im so appeciative that people took the time to respond to me. I hope I can continue to to talk to people on here, and if anyone wants to PM me that wants to talk, please do. Thanks.

 

[ladude2011]

one thing i did was put in my profile here that im gay, which was hard to do. I'm trying to take small steps. Tougher than i thought, but im hoping it gets easier. I'm trying not to deny it further but still keeps happening.

 

[jknightuk]

Hi ladude2011

A warm welcome to JUB, and let me just say I am proud of you. Why am I proud? Because you have taken a big step!

I understand when you say you're coming to terms with it too. I have helped a few others in my local neighbourhood to 'come out'. Often, the first thing that is said to me is "I'm scared..." or "I'm having trouble coming to terms with it."

The advice I gave them at the time was: Join a Forum, and meet other gay men... introduce yourself and explain your situation. More often than not, they do that and come back to me a few days later all smiles! lol.

You've gone further than that though, and have asked for help... which is why I am proud of you... so congrats for taking such a big step! Believe me.. it will start to feel better a lot sooner than you think. The members, moderators and staff here are all here to help you (me included) and please... don't be afraid to ask anything.

Good luck with everything, and I hope you'll feel more comfortable in time. It's not something you can rush, so take your time and let things work out for themselves...

 

[ladude2011]

Hi ladude2011

A warm welcome to JUB, and let me just say I am proud of you. Why am I proud? Because you have taken a big step!

I understand when you say you're coming to terms with it too. I have helped a few others in my local neighbourhood to 'come out'. Often, the first thing that is said to me is "I'm scared..." or "I'm having trouble coming to terms with it."

The advice I gave them at the time was: Join a Forum, and meet other gay men... introduce yourself and explain your situation. More often than not, they do that and come back to me a few days later all smiles! lol.

You've gone further than that though, and have asked for help... which is why I am proud of you... so congrats for taking such a big step! Believe me.. it will start to feel better a lot sooner than you think. The members, moderators and staff here are all here to help you (me included) and please... don't be afraid to ask anything.

Good luck with everything, and I hope you'll feel more comfortable in time. It's not something you can rush, so take your time and let things work out for themselves...

Thank you so much for your kind words. I keep finding myself starting to accept it, and then taking a step back and not wanting it. I dont want to be gay still, i dont know why other than the fact it just isnt what i want for myself in life. Hard to explain other than that. I cant help liking men, if only i could. Its so hard to come to terms, im trying to take my time with it. conversing with some guys on here helps a lot though.

 

[pai mei]

yeah there is quite a number of us who are exactly like you ladude, or were. jensu seemed to sum it up pretty nicely.

i too lied to myself for years, i would never even address it. i liked guys i knew, i liked guys that i was around, i watched gay porn, and i refused to address it all. i'd tell myself that *maybe* it was just a phase. or *maybe* i'm slightly bi, but that i'd just never act on it or tell anyone about it.

truth is im gay, or virtually gay anyways, and i just refused to confront it. the first time i said those two words outloud i had to take a look around afterwards just to doublecheck and make sure absolutely no one was around. it was pretty scary.

heck, when i first came out to my friends i had already decided that i would NEVER tell my family. and yet, here i am, my entire family knows and i dont care who knows it or who doesnt know it.

so i think the slow and steady approach you're taking is good. there may come a time, maybe soon, that you start thinking seriously about coming out to family, or friends, or someone. don't run away from that.

 

[mbamike]

The struggle you described is quite common. You are right, it is a process.

WELCOME to JUB!

 

[ldnguy1]

Hey - I'm going through the same thing. Telling yourself in the mirror you're gay is hard to do but it works.

I too thought that I would hold this secrete until I died. Then last year a bunch of friends went skydiving. I couldn't go because I couldn't risk it keeping this secrete any longer.

I'm at the stage where I'm trying to meet guys but I'm not sure where to turn to. My best friend who I came out to a few weeks ago has a few gay friends living about 2 hours away. He really wants to introduce me so we can talk. Look around your friends and maybe you know someone who has a gay friend.

I'm still not at the stage to put a label on myself so I can't bring myself to filling out 'gay' if I have a choice. But women don't do anything for me. I remember in high school looking at gay porn, I convinced myself I was doing 'research'.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Welcome! You've made some big steps in the right direction. Trust me, this is all going to get better. Everyone has their own story of coming out, some are even more difficult than yours; however, we did it, and we're very happy.

 

[nomadicman]

You are not alone my friend. I could have written that same post. I like to tell people I'm just meeting or strangers that I'm gay, harder for me to tell people I know.
peace

 

[NCDogGuy]

A thought that might apply to you, or might not, from my journey.

I have realized that it was never that I didn't want to be gay. It was that I didn't want the complications that I percieved that being gay will bring to my life.

There is a subtle difference. And finally recognizing that let a switch flip in my head so that I stopped saying "But I shouldn't be this way."

IMO - anytime we're telling ourselves how we should or shouldn't be, is a sign of incorrect thinking that is often being driven by outside pressures to please other people. (And writing this is soooo much easier than following it in my own life.)

Good luck! What a journey this is!