In a happy straight relationship but am I missing out?

[Joel36]

Alright, I've been going a through a lot of conflict and mental anguish, but to cut to the chase:

I'm been with my current girlfriend for a couple of years. I could see myself getting married to her. At the same time I have some strong 'gay urges' I suppose, that I've never acted on, and I feel like I might be getting things wrong if I don't at least try something once. I'm wouldn't cheat, and I really love my girlfriend, but I also feel she won't get the attention she deserves while I've got this conflict in my head.

I've told her in the past I'm pretty much bisexual (I think she thought I was joking though) and I could practically be gay if it weren't for the anal thing. I've since wised up and realized that being gay isn't all about anal and there are plenty of gay dudes who aren't totally into that.

Though I've never really been given the opportunity to legitimately find out whether I'm bi or if I'm just going through a fad, the time i spend looking at this forum/ wanking it to dudes leads me to believe I have that inclination. Plus, I really want to suck a dick.. and just basically be in the presence of more nude men. I'm aroused more by thinking about men than women.. though my mood flip flops a lot.

I know this isn't at all uncommon.. but what should I do? I don't want to feel like I'm missing out my whole life, but I really like my girlfriend and don't want to hurt her either.

 

[gingentleman]

Every bisexual I have ever met that has been married, eventually ended the relationship because their desire for men outweighed their desire for their wives. The wives were NEVER happy about it. So go and explore and enjoy, but for fuck's sake, don't marry the girl while you still want men...she wouldn't be happy with that arrangement, trust me.

 

[PSCGuy]

Disclaimer, and this is true for everyone in this forum. I don't know you, you don't know me, and I don't know anything about your relationship with your girlfriend. What you want to do with your life is your decision alone.

One of my best male friends is openly bisexual, and is engaged to a woman. I can tell from the way he talks about her and the way that they interact that he is head over heels in love with her. It is just transparent from everything about him. And my friend's relationship with his fiance is monogamous (sexless actually, since she doesn't believe in sex before marriage). However, I know for a fact my friend has been with men before too, so his situation differs from yours in that he's been with men before. I do think, though, that it is possible for a bisexual person to be in an exclusive, long-term relationship with a single person.

If you are having feelings that you want to explore with men, that's something that your girlfriend is never going to be able to satisfy, since she lacks a cock. You owe it to yourself to do what makes you happy, and you owe it to your girlfriend to be honest with her. You need to decide which is more important to you: exploring your attraction to men (which is clearly strong), or being monogamous with your girlfriend. That's it. Is losing your relationship with your current girlfriend worth it? Only you can answer that.

(On another note, be open with your girlfriend about your feelings. Maybe she'll be open to the idea of letting you 'experiment'... but don't count on that.)

 

[Chardius]

I would reiterate the DONT MARRY HER!

Look its one thing to be bisexual and know it, understand it, and accept it. Its another thing entirely to be confused about who you are. You can't have a doubt like this in a long term relationship. Whatever it means to accomplish it, you need to figure yourself out before you could ever be in a healthy relationship.

"Plus, I really want to suck a dick.. and just basically be in the presence of more nude men."

I'm just saying you might even be gay. I don't know how much thought you've given it, but you need to give it more. You need only read the tales of men who came out after marriage and kids to understand how bad this could get in the long run, please be honest with yourself now so you can be honest with your loved ones later.

 

[looseliam]

I was in the exact position a decade ago. We had dated for over 2 years; I had a ring.

I, too, had the same urges, if you will. I made a decision that I could never be happy unless I answered the "what ifs."

It was a difficult decision. I loved her dearly. It hurt me, too. To be honest, I wish I had made the split earlier to explore things.

 

[Ninja108]

I know this isn't at all uncommon.. but what should I do? I don't want to feel like I'm missing out my whole life, but I really like my girlfriend and don't want to hurt her either.

This is IMO but I think you should end your relationship now if you don't want to hurt her.
You say you're in a happy relationship,yet all indications
Those thoughts aren't going to go away, and it's wrong to her and you to continue dating her when you clearly have unresolved issues about who you are..and who you truly are attracted to.

 

[KaraBulut]

The scenario you've presented is a complicated one.

If you were actively bisexual and you had sex with men in the past and you were unsure that you could/would be satisfied in a relationship with a woman, then the advice would be not to go down the path of marriage to a woman if you were more attracted to men.

But you're in a situation where you have fantasies about men and you have attractions to men but you're in a committed relationship with a woman. Your attraction to men is there but you've not pursued it to this point, so it is largely a matter of fantasy. The advice here is not solely based upon the question gay versus bi versus straight: if you're in a relationship with anyone- male or female- that you love and someone that you are happy with, you need to think seriously about whether you're willing to give up that relationship for a fantasy.

On the other hand, if you cannot honor the commitments that you make in a relationship because of your attractions, then you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship.

 

[Synergise]

You need to ask yourself whether you can live an entire life without exploring these fantasies. It's a very difficult situation, but it'll only get worse as time goes on. You don't want to realise 10 years down the line that you were gay all along, and then decide to act on your feelings, because it wouldn't be fair on you or your girlfriend/wife.

I think, however difficult the conversation may be, you need to be honest with your current girlfriend about the situation, especially if you do decide to act on these feelings.

Good luck.

 

[HunterM]

The feeling you have to be with men will never go away. It will get worse the more you suppress it down the road. If you were to explore, one approach is to hire a male escort to save you a lot of time (than dating and chasing) and get what you're looking for.

Sometimes the real thing may not be "all that" great. You may or may not like it. But you owe it to yourself to know yourself.

 

[Bent-On]

But do you have a healthy and satisfying sex life with your girlfriend?

 

[Telstra]

try every type of sex you want to try first and decide what you want later.

 

[syoBsUtsuJ]

Lol ... checked out your profile and damn you for making me peruse back to page 11 on "Show Your Soft Cock" thread, but then again, thanks ... lol, it was kind of nice going back through memory lane and seeing your awesomeness was well worth the effort! Your cock is beautiful!!!

Only you can determine if you're missing out, but I can assure you that gays (and even straight girls) around the world are missing out on enjoying your awesomeness. To me, it just makes sense to explore that side of your sexuality before marriage over investing a decade or three. It sounds like your curiosity is more of an interest than just a phase.

If you've perused this site and its members as often as I have, you'll find more than just a handful of older guys that were married only to realize later on in life that they were indeed gay. My suggestion to you, and it is ONLY a suggestion: explore your sexuality before marriage. It would be traumatic for all involved should you determine to explore it afterwards, and especially if there are kids involved.

 

[anchihiro]

I guess you need to tell her again. But this time make her realise what this means. How she reacts will determine the future of your relationship.
But i think you need to try men, otherwise it will eat you up.

 

[evanrick]

so you are attracted to men..nothing to blame yourself about just because you have a girlfriend. you feel you owe her, thats considerate, but what do you owe yourself?

i think many guys would find your vulnerability very appealing lol...i certainly do..you sound like a really nice guy.

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, I don't know what the previous poster meant about "vulnerability," I for one don't find vulnerability attractive in the least little bit.

OK, you've made a promise I assume, and here's where the problem lies. If you've made promises, you have to deal with that first. It's only decent.

Frankly you sound a hell of a lot more gay than you do bi, but then that's a question only you can answer.

What do you really want? Why are you dating her? Questions only you can answer. You don't have to tell us, but really, THINK about what you're doing.

The fact that you're in here, asking us, is probably a clue.

 

[Willie Boy]

Alright, I've been going a through a lot of conflict and mental anguish, but to cut to the chase:

I'm been with my current girlfriend for a couple of years. I could see myself getting married to her. At the same time I have some strong 'gay urges' I suppose, that I've never acted on, and I feel like I might be getting things wrong if I don't at least try something once. I'm wouldn't cheat, and I really love my girlfriend, but I also feel she won't get the attention she deserves while I've got this conflict in my head.

I've told her in the past I'm pretty much bisexual (I think she thought I was joking though) and I could practically be gay if it weren't for the anal thing. I've since wised up and realized that being gay isn't all about anal and there are plenty of gay dudes who aren't totally into that.

Though I've never really been given the opportunity to legitimately find out whether I'm bi or if I'm just going through a fad, the time i spend looking at this forum/ wanking it to dudes leads me to believe I have that inclination. Plus, I really want to suck a dick.. and just basically be in the presence of more nude men. I'm aroused more by thinking about men than women.. though my mood flip flops a lot.

I know this isn't at all uncommon.. but what should I do? I don't want to feel like I'm missing out my whole life, but I really like my girlfriend and don't want to hurt her either.

I would recommend getting to know yourself and discovering exactly what you want before taking any action. If what you are feeling truly is more than a passing fad, then sit down and have a serious talk with your girlfriend. Explain top her about your feelings and what you learned from exploring them. Explain that you don't want to lead her on, that you don't want to lie to or hurt her, but that you need to investigate this side of yourself. She may stand by you, she may not. That is why I suggest making sure this is something you want to explore before talking with her about it.

 

[Joel36]

if you're in a relationship with anyone- male or female- that you love and someone that you are happy with, you need to think seriously about whether you're willing to give up that relationship for a fantasy.

On the other hand, if you cannot honor the commitments that you make in a relationship because of your attractions, then you aren't ready to be in a committed relationship.

This is a good summation of my conflict and a lot to think about really. Although I am pretty curious - I'm also pretty confident I wouldn't go totally bonkers if I never did experience anything outside of what I already know. In all truthfulness, I'm not really interested in sex that much (or at least I think I'm not) and I could see myself living a long and happy life with either a man or a woman.. just somebody to be close to.

At the same time when I think of my future, I tend to picture wife and kids stereotypical type of deal. Maybe that's just the cliche that's been drilled into my head, but I kind of want that, too.

But do you have a healthy and satisfying sex life with your girlfriend?

Yeah this complicates things further. Like I said.. I'm not overly interested in sex. I could easily go... well, a long time without it. Though if I were with a guy I think I might be more interested. Pure speculation though.

The truth of the thing is, and to answer your question, yes, I'm pretty satisfied, although sometimes I get really stressed out that she isn't. She's way more into sex than me, and most the times I'm just doing it for her sake. But even then sometimes a long time will pass and I won't even notice, meanwhile she's jonesin'.

Lol ... checked out your profile and damn you for making me peruse back to page 11 on "Show Your Soft Cock" thread, but then again, thanks ... lol, it was kind of nice going back through memory lane and seeing your awesomeness was well worth the effort! Your cock is beautiful!!!

Heh, thanks. And yeah, I don't want to wind up one of those dudes filled with regret for not making a decision sooner but I'm just not sure of things yet.

i think many guys would find your vulnerability very appealing lol...i certainly do..you sound like a really nice guy.

That's nice of you to say.


Thanks for the feedback all of you.. really gives me a lot to think about. There are a lot of common themes here, and I am a bit surprised by the replies. I was expecting more "What's wrong with you, stay in your relationship' type of a thing - but I don't really know why I'd expect that.

All in all though it's a real tough nut to crack for me, and I'm still weighing all the options on what I should do. It's good just to have some people tot alk to about it, though.

And there's another thing.. maybe I'm feeling these urges just because I'm starved for male companionship of any sort. All my close friends whom I feel I can trust are women. My friendships with men don't really excell beyond accusing each other names and playing Call of Duty.

Edit: got two more posts while typing this.. jeez I'm longwinded. Anyway I'll have to think about those replies too.

 

[TX-Beau]

And there's another thing.. maybe I'm feeling these urges just because I'm starved for male companionship of any sort. All my close friends whom I feel I can trust are women. My friendships with men don't really excell beyond accusing each other names and playing Call of Duty.

Sugar, straight men don't get urges to fuck other men because they're starved for male companionship, and if all of your friends are women, that's probably another one of those clues.

 

[nh-wordsmith]

Yeah this complicates things further. Like I said.. I'm not overly interested in sex. I could easily go... well, a long time without it. Though if I were with a guy I think I might be more interested. Pure speculation though.

This is a really key couple of sentences. Go back and read this a few times. Sex is ultimately valuable for couples because it enables bonding and trust through mutual pleasure. If "you're not interested" that means you're not actually doing that bonding and connecting -- and probably, from the sound of it, that's because you're more interested in bonding and connecting with other guys' bodies.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm not weighing in to tell you who you are, I'm just one of those older guys with a story to tell. I didn't know it was possible to live a gay life. This was just prior to Stonewall. I was very afraid of my attraction to men, but, because I was introverted I didn't take advantage of a couple of possibilities. Instead I pursued a girlfriend and got married. I left the marriage when they were quite young pretty heartbroken that I was no longer a full-time father. I'm glad to be a dad. I'm close to them as is my partner of 27 years.

These are different times. Gay singles and couple are raising children. I wanted convention because that's all I knew. I can't honestly wish for a different past because that would mean wishing away my kids. The seed of desire for gay sex grew in me until I had no alternative. I didn't have gay sex until I was 31 and then it was pretty sleazy for about 5 years until I divorced.

I wouldn't tell another person what to do and no two people are entirely alike, but I did want to share my story. I am open to private messages. Take good care of yourself.