In a Relationship, miss being single

[hottie08]

So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for just about 3 years. I moved to a completely different state to be with him, which isn't really that big of a deal since I hated where I was living before. Just to preface this, I wasn't completely out at all or even embraced myself as a gay man before I met him. He's my first boyfriend I've ever had and now I feel like I missed out on being single. I mean, I've had hook-ups on the DL before meeting him but now that I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years I feel like I've missed out or am missing out.

When we go out, I catch myself looking at other men and have thought about being single again. We've lived together for the past two years in our new location and I do really love him but I don't understand these feelings that I have. He has been so instrumental in my success here after our move here and he's has been the sole reason for the jumpstart in my life after hitting sort of slump of mediocrity after I had to drop out of college.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel so bad having these feelings. He's said multiple times that I'm the one he wants to spend forever with and while I can definitely see myself being with him forever, I get scared, sad, and nervous. I miss the chase! I miss the rush of meeting that new person and not knowing where it's going to lead, or that I don't have any responsibilities other than myself.

Am I just being immature or am I just an awful person in general that's afraid of commitment. I don't want to ruin a strong, loving, and great relationship but I don't want to feel like I'm missing our or barred down.

 

[Undergrad]

Hey there,

Seems like you're really lost in all of this so I thought i'd offer my opinion/advice. From what you've told us so far, it seems like you do have a genuine love for your boyfriend. It also seems like you don't have anything big that causes you two to argue or anything of the sort.

I hope you're genuine in saying you love him and not just saying that because you feel like you owe your boyfriend for helping you get back on your feet. While I do agree you should be grateful for what he has done, if that is the only reason why you're staying with him, then do him and yourself a favor and just end things there because it definitely won't be fair for him and if you feel like you're trapped in your relationship then that isn't fair to you either.

A lot of times, people (both gay and straight) feel like they miss the single life and the chase and whatever when they find themselves in long term relationships. Just based on all the people who have come to me for help, I can tell you that many do regret ending something so great to participate in some shallow, good old fun hooking up. If you do end things, you might start to miss all the good things you had with your boyfriend. What you're looking for is temporary, you'll finding yourself wanting more, then you'll get bored and want to be in a relationship again.

Work through this on your own, spice things up, or change things up with your boyfriend. Just from what I've read, I can see you both love each other deeply, don't let a good one get away based on some temporary feelings!

P.S I think you answered your own question.

He's said multiple times that I'm the one he wants to spend forever with and while I can definitely see myself being with him forever, I get scared, sad, and nervous.

 

[raskdog]

Have you thought about an open relationship? Then you've got the best of both worlds. My partner and I are in an open relationship, though most sex with other guys usually involves a threesome. It doesn't work for everybody and you have to have a lot of trust but it works for us.

 

[Seasoned]

Humans always seem to be missing something. I guess it's our nature. Recreational sex is a powerful attraction because of the excitement and pleasure attached to it. For those of us desiring of and satisfied by monogamy our trade off to hook ups is stability and deepening intimacy. People seemingly function happy, fulfilled lives in both relationship that practice and don't practice monogamy. We each have to decide what's right for us and then find compatible partners.

That being said, it's still human nature to be attracted to others while desiring monogamy. My husband and I are monogamous and have been together 29 years. We were pretty slutty when we met. We have spoken often about what would have happened had we opened our relationship and we both think we'd no longer be together because of our natures. Has the desire to sleep around ended? No, but understanding what the consequence would be, we don't act on those desires. All the time that would be spent on pursuit is spent on self or on coupleship. Hours or days can be spent on something lasting just minutes.

As far as missing out goes it can be a very nebulous concept because no number of guys quenches that thirst. As already mentioned by another, it's time or past time to spice things up. I'd start with role-play and porn. Have fun and go out of your way to create it.

Good luck and feel free to pm me.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB!

Humans always seem to be missing something. I guess it's our nature. Recreational sex is a powerful attraction because of the excitement and pleasure attached to it. For those of us desiring of and satisfied by monogamy our trade off to hook ups is stability and deepening intimacy. People seemingly function happy, fulfilled lives in both relationship that practice and don't practice monogamy. We each have to decide what's right for us and then find compatible partners.

That being said, it's still human nature to be attracted to others while desiring monogamy. My husband and I are monogamous and have been together 29 years. We were pretty slutty when we met. We have spoken often about what would have happened had we opened our relationship and we both think we'd no longer be together because of our natures. Has the desire to sleep around ended? No, but understanding what the consequence would be, we don't act on those desires. All the time that would be spent on pursuit is spent on self or on coupleship. Hours or days can be spent on something lasting just minutes.

As far as missing out goes it can be a very nebulous concept because no number of guys quenches that thirst. As already mentioned by another, it's time or past time to spice things up. I'd start with role-play and porn. Have fun and go out of your way to create it.

Good luck and feel free to pm me.

 

[Corny]

We always look for what we don't have. I know the feeling well. But then there are moments when you just know that you're doing the right thing.

Oh .. and looking isn't forbidden

 

[gameboy 11]

I honestly would hate to be the one to tell you you should dump your boyfriend of 3 years. HOWEVER, I also can't recommend staying with someone just because they love you and they helped change you for the better. I think you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice in staying with him just because he wants you to if you don't want to remain in the relationship. In the end you need to weigh the pros and cons of not being with him anymore and see which choice is up your alley. If you choose to stick with him then you have something stable to come home to. If you choose to leave, then you can be single and mingle once again. If you choose the latter, I wouldn't hop into another relationship again right away because you probably would want to see what you've been missing out on now as a gay man. The decision is really up to you. I'd feel weird if I made it for you.

 

[cgymike]

It sounds like you are a little afraid to honestly consider commitment. That's Ok but chances are he doesn't feel the same way so it's a bit unbalanced in a fundamental way. This isn't about compatibility issues - it's far more basic. You could be with the hunk of your all-time dream right now and still have that fear.
Sort that out first maybe with counseling on your own because that's something strictly on your side. Unless I am reading this worng and you are not feeling the "love" from him you once did??? If this is true then it's a whole different ball game and in a way easier to deal with since that involves communication with him.
IMO self-improvement issues in a relationship are some of the hardest because one wants to use the couple to solve everything since one assumes all problems are coming from the relationship. Not necessarily so.

If you were "in the chase" would you then miss being in a committed ltr? Would that longing be as strong as your current longing to be in the chase?

There is much to sort out but perhaps a lot we just don't know either.

 

[hottie08]

Thanks for the advice so far everyone, appreciate it! It's not that I'm so much not enjoying being in a long-term committed relationships. I love him he is literally like my opposite that keeps me balanced. He's the more responsible mature one, I'm the more crazy, fly the seat of my pants.

I'm just starting to feel like it's getting stale and boring, and I'm not being completely fulfilled with our sex life as well. I'm a downright freak, total top. I like to be in control, but not absolute, and he doesn't like that during sex. He hates when I'm too rough, only really likes one position, and he seems like he has issues sometimes receiving for too long of a time if that makes sense? I also feel like I have a bigger sex drive than he does too, I could literally do it every day and I'm lucky if I get it more than once a week.

So I guess this thread has now taken on a different more shallow tone. It's not so much that I wish I was single, I just find myself lusting after other men because I'm feeling unfulfilled at home. I hate that and I don't even know how to bring it up to him without hurting his feelings. He already has issues with his self-esteem and body issues but nothing too big or damaging.

I just don't know how to approach something like that!

 

[innocentbychoice]

So I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend now for just about 3 years. I moved to a completely different state to be with him, which isn't really that big of a deal since I hated where I was living before. Just to preface this, I wasn't completely out at all or even embraced myself as a gay man before I met him. He's my first boyfriend I've ever had and now I feel like I missed out on being single. I mean, I've had hook-ups on the DL before meeting him but now that I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years I feel like I've missed out or am missing out.

When we go out, I catch myself looking at other men and have thought about being single again. We've lived together for the past two years in our new location and I do really love him but I don't understand these feelings that I have. He has been so instrumental in my success here after our move here and he's has been the sole reason for the jumpstart in my life after hitting sort of slump of mediocrity after I had to drop out of college.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel so bad having these feelings. He's said multiple times that I'm the one he wants to spend forever with and while I can definitely see myself being with him forever, I get scared, sad, and nervous. I miss the chase! I miss the rush of meeting that new person and not knowing where it's going to lead, or that I don't have any responsibilities other than myself.

Am I just being immature or am I just an awful person in general that's afraid of commitment. I don't want to ruin a strong, loving, and great relationship but I don't want to feel like I'm missing our or barred down.

I think the feeling of missing out is normal in a situation like yours. But you will often find that what you wished for isn't what you wanted in reality, what I'm saying is, there's a huge chance that if you become single once again and you start living the single crazy life (I'm guessing that's what you're referring to) you might end up realizing that it's not really your cup of tea. Grass is always greener on the other side but once you find yourself being single again it isn't as awesome as you think it could be when you're in a relationship. I would advice for you to try to find something to spice things up in your relationship, monotony can kill any relationship.

 

[innocentbychoice]

Thanks for the advice so far everyone, appreciate it! It's not that I'm so much not enjoying being in a long-term committed relationships. I love him he is literally like my opposite that keeps me balanced. He's the more responsible mature one, I'm the more crazy, fly the seat of my pants.

I'm just starting to feel like it's getting stale and boring, and I'm not being completely fulfilled with our sex life as well. I'm a downright freak, total top. I like to be in control, but not absolute, and he doesn't like that during sex. He hates when I'm too rough, only really likes one position, and he seems like he has issues sometimes receiving for too long of a time if that makes sense? I also feel like I have a bigger sex drive than he does too, I could literally do it every day and I'm lucky if I get it more than once a week.

So I guess this thread has now taken on a different more shallow tone. It's not so much that I wish I was single, I just find myself lusting after other men because I'm feeling unfulfilled at home. I hate that and I don't even know how to bring it up to him without hurting his feelings. He already has issues with his self-esteem and body issues but nothing too big or damaging.

I just don't know how to approach something like that!

Ohh I see now. That makes a lot more sense. Well as I said in my previous post try to find something to spice things up in your relationship. The only way to bring this up is just saying it. Upfront. Don't be mean but just say it and reassure you love him and that you're telling him this stuff to make the relationship improve, communication is the key and you'll never know if there could be a freak inside of him waiting to come out or waiting for someone to do it for him.