In an odd position

[InvisibleThrills]

Most people come on here saying how they have fallen for their straight best friend, but it seems I have stumbled into a less normal situation. I am in college and one of my new best friends happens to be gay, I am kind of confused myself as to where I stand, but I hooked up with a girl here and my friend knows and so he thinks that I am straight. I think he has feelings for me, as he was about to tell me something last night while we were all drunk, but a mutual good girl friend of ours said, "Dave, no". So, it leads me to believe that he was going to express his feelings for me; as he has done this for someone else while he was drunk previously.

I really like him, even in a relationship sense. I am not necessarily unexperienced with other guys, so that is not really a concern, but I just do not feel that right now is a time that I want to make a decision that will change my life -- coming out. So, I feel if I tell him about myself then he will expect that we will date, because we both have feelings, but that doesn't seem like it would work because it would have to be hidden, and that would not be fair to him. Also, he has this fuck buddy who he hooks up with a lot, and if we dated, they would obviously have to stop, so the kid would ask why, etc.

I just don't really know what I should do.

 

[ks110x]

Most people come on here saying how they have fallen for their straight best friend, but it seems I have stumbled into a less normal situation. I am in college and one of my new best friends happens to be gay, I am kind of confused myself as to where I stand, but I hooked up with a girl here and my friend knows and so he thinks that I am straight. I think he has feelings for me, as he was about to tell me something last night while we were all drunk, but a mutual good girl friend of ours said, "Dave, no". So, it leads me to believe that he was going to express his feelings for me; as he has done this for someone else while he was drunk previously.

I really like him, even in a relationship sense. I am not necessarily unexperienced with other guys, so that is not really a concern, but I just do not feel that right now is a time that I want to make a decision that will change my life -- coming out. So, I feel if I tell him about myself then he will expect that we will date, because we both have feelings, but that doesn't seem like it would work because it would have to be hidden, and that would not be fair to him. Also, he has this fuck buddy who he hooks up with a lot, and if we dated, they would obviously have to stop, so the kid would ask why, etc.

I just don't really know what I should do.

Well you seem to be dealing with a few issues here.

You need to ask yourself a few questions: How long do you want to remain in the closet? Do you like this person enough to come out? Are you prepared to accept the possibility of losing this guy as a friend if things don't work out either way?

The only things I can really recommend is talking to a counselor/psychologist (an impartial viewpoint can be tremendously beneficial) and getting a little closer to your friend to figure out his true intentions. Be prepared to have a frank conversation about yourself and feelings if you go that route though. I don't think you'd have to worry about him outing you since he probably wants to be in your good graces and few gay guys would do that to another.

 

[G-Lexington]

Why not put things in context of HIM, right now? You like him, he's cool, but you're not interested in getting physically involved with him (right now). Your sexuality is beside the point when it comes to that basic fact.

Lex

 

[InvisibleThrills]

Well you seem to be dealing with a few issues here.

You need to ask yourself a few questions: How long do you want to remain in the closet? Do you like this person enough to come out? Are you prepared to accept the possibility of losing this guy as a friend if things don't work out either way?

The only things I can really recommend is talking to a counselor/psychologist (an impartial viewpoint can be tremendously beneficial) and getting a little closer to your friend to figure out his true intentions. Be prepared to have a frank conversation about yourself and feelings if you go that route though. I don't think you'd have to worry about him outing you since he probably wants to be in your good graces and few gay guys would do that to another.

Even before last night when he made that comment I was prepared to tell him about my past, and what all I had done, I just hadn't decided when I would make that leap, and my roommate has always been home when I have wanted to talk. Now, the fact that I think he may like me kind of throws the idea into another position, because if I tell him more will be on the plate now. And, I know he won't out me, at least not on purpose. He only recently came out, and his parents still do not know. The biggest concern is the last question you posed, because I do not want to lose him as a friend, so at this point I don't know if a relationship would be a good thing.

 

[ks110x]

Even before last night when he made that comment I was prepared to tell him about my past, and what all I had done, I just hadn't decided when I would make that leap, and my roommate has always been home when I have wanted to talk. Now, the fact that I think he may like me kind of throws the idea into another position, because if I tell him more will be on the plate now. And, I know he won't out me, at least not on purpose. He only recently came out, and his parents still do not know. The biggest concern is the last question you posed, because I do not want to lose him as a friend, so at this point I don't know if a relationship would be a good thing.

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. There shouldn't be an expectation that just because you are bi that you would automatically jump into something with this guy once he knows. As someone who is not totally out himself he should be somewhat understanding of your situation. Go somewhere neutral yet mostly private and have the conversation. There is the risk of losing him as a friend but if he really does have strong feelings for you ignoring the situation certainly won't improve the friendship.

 

[InvisibleThrills]

I think you're getting ahead of yourself. There shouldn't be an expectation that just because you are bi that you would automatically jump into something with this guy once he knows. As someone who is not totally out himself he should be somewhat understanding of your situation. Go somewhere neutral yet mostly private and have the conversation. There is the risk of losing him as a friend but if he really does have strong feelings for you ignoring the situation certainly won't improve the friendship.

That is true, I guess I didn't necessarily mean like instantly afterwards, but something that may be inevitable. I do not think I would lose him as a friend if I told him my past, if anything I think he would be even more open with me and vice versa. If I told him and ignored the situation, it would be bad, but if I continue as I am then I don't think there would be much harm, as it is what I have been portraying myself as since the beginning of school.

 

[ks110x]

That is true, I guess I didn't necessarily mean like instantly afterwards, but something that may be inevitable. I do not think I would lose him as a friend if I told him my past, if anything I think he would be even more open with me and vice versa. If I told him and ignored the situation, it would be bad, but if I continue as I am then I don't think there would be much harm, as it is what I have been portraying myself as since the beginning of school.

That again brings around the question of how long you want to hide your bisexuality from people you might have an interest in. This applies equally to the women who may come into your life.

Also, it is not true that no harm is done. It is done to you, even though you think you are prepared to accept that. There are real psychological costs to living this way. How severely they effect you differs from person to person but they are still there.