In College and Confused

[Retalliate]

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but maybe just getting some of my feelings out would help.

I'm a Freshmen student in engineering at a liberal university and recently I've just come to terms with the fact that I'm gay. For a long time, I thought myself as being bisexual, but it's probably more accurate to call me gay. I've always been interested in guys, but in high school I had a few years where all of my crushes were girls, and even to this day I can't imagine myself living with a guy for the rest of my life. I can only imagine myself starting a family with a woman down the road, but I'm well aware that I'm not sexually attracted to women so recently I made it clear to myself that I was gay.

The current issue on my mind right now is whether or not to come out, and if I do, how I'd do it. A few weeks back, I was a little tipsy and came out as bi to two of my close friends, and they were shocked but took it well. I also came out to a gay friend of mine who asked what I defined myself as, and I also told him that I was bi. So I guess I've started the process, but it's at a stage right now where it's as if nothing has happened yet.

I guess it would be cool to look for a relationship, but I'm wondering if it's absolutely necessary to come out before even starting to look. I know that it would be incredibly unfair to my partner if we were together and I wasn't out of the closet, but I keep hoping that having a boyfriend would make it easier for me to come out. Engineering isn't the largest LGBT community by any means, so I feel that I won't meet any other gay guys even to hang out with.

Anyway, if the best option is to come out, how would I go about doing it? I think I might be comfortable coming out to some close friends, but I don't think I can come out to my parents yet and certainly not my grandparents and relatives. Also, I have a really cool roommate who's a family friend too, but I'm really not sure what he'd think about it if I came out to him or if he heard from somebody else. I know that he's totally cool with gays and pride and stuff, but I've never been able to judge whether or not he'd be ok living with one for another semester.

So if coming out were the best option, how would I go about it? Should I start with my close friends and then move out from there? Or should I try to start with my parents and family, which could take me a long time to get myself to do?

Thank you

 

[fezzfoot]

I think it really depends on what your relationships are with your friends and family. For me, I told a couple of peripheral people first just to ease the tension but when it came to finally coming out, I wanted my close family to know first, followed by my close friends, as I get on with them all well. Other people don't have so much confidence that their folks will be happy with the news whereas I was reasonably confident they wouldn't disown me at least.

One of my best friends was the person I worried about telling the most, and even he seems reasonably ok with it (I still sense he's in denial to a certain degree). I didn't really choose when I was going to come out and I don't think it's something you can plan too much - on a particular day something will happen and that will be that. What was right for me won't necessarily be right for you. The lesson I have learned up to this point is that I underestimated people. They have been far more accepting and understanding than I expected them to be.

 

[KaraBulut]

...So if coming out were the best option, how would I go about it? Should I start with my close friends and then move out from there? Or should I try to start with my parents and family, which could take me a long time to get myself to do?

The most important part of coming out is what you've already done- coming out to yourself, admitting that you're gay and accepting yourself as a gay man.

The rest of the process used to be really important- largely because you had to educate the people in your life about gay people and that it isn't a choice, yadda yadda...

The good news is that your generation is much more aware and much more accepting, so you have choices now of how you come out and you don't have to spend as much time explaining and making excuses for something that doesn't require explanations or excuses.

If you want to be casual about it, don't change genders for people you're interested in (i.e. use "he" instead of "she" or "they" or "the person") and when asked about your sexual orientation, be honest. You can list your orientation on social profiles and include interests that make it clear that you're involved with and supportive of the gay community.

If you want to have "the talk" with your closest friends, then start with the ones who are the closest and who you think will be the most accepting. As for your family, it may make more sense to have the discussion when you have something to tell them- i.e. when you're dating someone that you want them to meet or when you want them to be included in that part of your life.

 

[fezzfoot]

As for your family, it may make more sense to have the discussion when you have something to tell them- i.e. when you're dating someone that you want them to meet or when you want them to be included in that part of your life.

In my case, I think the 'double whammy' approach would have been too overwhelming for my parents, especially my dad. This generation is far more accepting than the last, but I'd guess that older people by and large still find it a bit more of a taboo subject so could take them a bit more time to come around. My dad is a chronic worrier and he's on my side, he's just struggling to express how he can be supportive.

Having said that, when I do introduce him to a boyfriend in time, the weirdness will start again anyway! I just didn't want my parents to find out via somebody else, I felt I owed them that courtesy at least, seeing as they raised me and all.

 

[thenewkcm]

The first part of my advice to you would to relax...it's beautiful that you're accepting and understanding your sexuality, you're on a journey that takes time and everyone has their own story.

Most of your post deals with a lot of external issues: family, friends, career, school, the future...most of which are completely out of your control. But what do YOU want to do today? What makes YOU happy? Are YOU ready to come out to your family? When are YOU ready to start dating?

You're the one who has to live your life, so start asking yourself some questions. And whatever answers come from that, make your choices based on what makes you comfortable and happy.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Retalliate,

Good you have made this posting and good to read you are comfortable with yourself as being a gay guy.

Its great to read that you have already set some steps (though you have told them that you are bi) and its great you have a -good- friend who is a gay guy. I assume this guy is not a closet case. And even your roommate is "totally cool with gays and pride and stuff".

I tend to think you should start telling some of your close friends (and also your roommate!!) that you are a gay guy and that you should also tell them that it's not a big secret that you are gay. So they can also tell others around them that you are gay. So start with your close friends and move from out from there. Tell them as well that is's not a big deal for you that you are a gay guy.

I tend to think that it will be -very- tough to have a boyfriend when you are still closeted. Being in the closet and having a boyfriend almost always means you will need to ly and you will need to hide that you are not anymore 'single, straight and still looking around for a nice girlfriend'. That's not how it works and it will cause a lot of stress.

On the other hand, having a boyfriend is a very easy way to let people know that you are gay. You don't need to bother to tell them, as anyone around you will start to notice that X is often around you / you incorporate X in your daily life (same like your straight friends start with incorporating their girlfriend in their daily life, etc.).

Finally, living as an open gay will make it also much easier for other gay guys (your fellow students) around you to find you. How can a fellow gay student find you when you are hiding for the whole world that you are 'gay and single and looking around for a nice boyfriend'?

Good luck and take care.

 

[LutheranGuy]

I think I might be comfortable

When we hide things we can often get into situations where we feel trapped. So the first thing is to always know there are places and people to go and talk to about this including this website. You want to be comfortable in finding a balance of, " I am ready to do ________. " Don't rush into anything without be as comfortable as you can be at a natural pace of things. Be as ready as you can be in figuring out and weighing the script, and then the chapter will just be you living and being yourself. Putting feelings out in the open can only benefit you. Other peoples reactions to those feelings may be feelings of their own, and those feelings may be different. The important part is the conversation. "This _______ is how I feel now." "How do you feel about that?"

 

[Seasoned]

Best wishes to you on your journey. I can understand your thoughts and feelings regarding your fellow engineering classmates, but do realize you're not alone even in that group.

If your school has a LGBT center is suggest you begin there, but just walking in and picking up some literature.

It's good that you've begun your process. It gets easier.

I'd advise you to tell your parents while still single, but after you have a gay friend or two for support.