In love and need help!

[tom1778]

Basically I am so in love with this boy in my year for about 2 years now; he doesn't know it and I'm not giving him any hints as I also haven't come out yet. I honestly cannot get him out of my mind and think I am verging in mentally ill how obsessed with him I am. EVERY SECOND HE IS ON MY MIND AND I JUST LOVE HIM UNCONTRALABLYY! However, the worst thing is is that I don't think he is gay and this I like torture to me. Me and him used to be really close and always used to get quite touchy feely with each other at parties and cuddled up. He used to tell me that he loved me a lot *and always used to want it just me and him but I just assumed that he was fooling around (despite my crazy love for him!!!). He was always concerned about his image of being gay cos a lot of people thought that about us, but never the less he still carried on. Recently (the past 6months) we have become slightly more distant but still friends. He seems to have changed and become a bit more manly and he only now ever hangs around with guys as opposed to girls a lot like he used to. But its odd cos he always seems to put on a hard man attitude around the football lads but is pretty camp around just me!? He always ignores me nowadays too like on purpose with a really uncomfortable look on his face and goes out of his way to avoid me. *I'm sure this isn't cos he thought I loved him and that he didn't wanna be a part of that. But I still love him (if not more so than when we were close) and it is starting to get me so down and depressed. He means everything to me. What do I do!?!? Thankyou!*

 

[TX-Beau]

OK stop.

Step back.

Stop trying to figure him out before you've even figured yourself out.

you're not out, you don't know if he's gay or not. So say you find out that he is.

What does that get you? Are you then going to come out? Try to hit on him? What?

Where do you expect this to go?

Also how old are you?

 

[tom1778]

I would come out if he was also gay but that's unlikely And last year of sixth form (18 in the UK)

 

[TX-Beau]

Well, and don't take this negatively, you most likely wouldn't come out if he was gay. Guys come out when they start dealing with themselves - guy or no guy, and don't stay in the closet after that - guy or no guy.

So you pretty much know this isn't going anywhere, and that's the bad news, the good news is that what you've got is an infatuation, a crush. It seems so incredibly overpowering because you are young. We were all like that at one point when we were young.

Straight people have the advantage of dealing with that kind of thing earlier than gay men do, but they also went through it as well.

I'm also pretty sure that if he's avoiding you it is because you are sending out pretty strong signals he doesn't want to deal with.

So, let him do what he's going to do, and you go find out what it's going to take to get you out of the closet.

Those feelings are so much nicer when you aim them at a guy who'll actually want you back.

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome. The reason you're in emotional pain is because you have no other outlet and since you know him and "love" him you have a fantasy of a ready-made boyfriend. You wouldn't have to come out to anyone else and you wouldn't have to go looking.

I placed the word love in quotation marks not to put you down or negate your feelings, but to point out that real and honest romantic love, in my opinion cannot exist unless it's reciprocal. My guess is that we gave feelings of infatuation to explore whether or not the person we are interested in likes us back. Once we discover they don't we need to let go of our interest or be driven into unhealthy thoughts, feelings and sometimes behavior. How to handle it? Learning to take no for an answer.

 

[Lehans]

Well, and don't take this negatively, you most likely wouldn't come out if he was gay. Guys come out when they start dealing with themselves - guy or no guy, and don't stay in the closet after that - guy or no guy.

So you pretty much know this isn't going anywhere, and that's the bad news, the good news is that what you've got is an infatuation, a crush. It seems so incredibly overpowering because you are young. We were all like that at one point when we were young.

Straight people have the advantage of dealing with that kind of thing earlier than gay men do, but they also went through it as well.

I'm also pretty sure that if he's avoiding you it is because you are sending out pretty strong signals he doesn't want to deal with.

So, let him do what he's going to do, and you go find out what it's going to take to get you out of the closet.

Those feelings are so much nicer when you aim them at a guy who'll actually want you back.

I agree with every point from TX.

And please don't call this love.

 

[Rolyo85]

Yes, TX hits the nail on the head. Love is something you consciously decide to be in, it is realized and ALWAYS shared. Everything else is just crushing, flinging, obsessing...