In love, but not known

[bored010]

Well I'm sure this is not an original situation, but I don't really know how to handle in internally.

For the sake of keeping identity secret, I will use different names.

I've known this guy named "Ryan" since he was 14. At the time I didn't really like-like him, since he was still pretty young and I wasn't really that out yet. I was 17 at the time. We became friends, but only talked occasionally. I knew he was gay, and this was long before he came out of denial. I never pressed it though because I knew he needed to figure that out for himself so I just stayed a friend.

Then about two years ago we began talking and hanging out more and more, but just as friends. I soon found that I was becoming more and more attracted to him, but he has not really shown signs of interest in that department. At the time he was 17 so I didn't do anything to show him that I was starting to really like him because he was underage then still.

Anyway, now he is over 18 and I've still been talking, but I don't really know how to show him how I feel, partly because I'm pretty shy and pretty old fashioned I guess. I only want to be in a relationship that I know will be serious. I'm not interested in being used for hook ups, been there done that, wasn't a good time for me. I know he is only interested in a serious type relationship too, but as I've said, he's never given me any sign that he likes me back that way. I try to show him that I care about him by checking in on him once in a while, but i feel the conversation goes blank because I feel conflicted because I wanna say I like him, but I dont want that to scare him away or make things awkward. Plus I think it would just be weird to just come out and say "I like you, do you like me?". I think that feels to business like, like its not personal or anything.

Obviously my fear is that I let him know I like him, and he says he doesn't like me that way back. That would break my heart because I do really care for him. I guess its hard to say "love" at this point because we've not actually been in a "relationship" yet, but I do love him as a friend for sure.

Also recently, I moved back home which is about 45 miles away from where he lives now. I have obligations I have to do at home for the time being.

I've thought about asking him if he'd like to go catch a movie with me sometime, something not so "date" like yet. I dont know.. your thoughts would be very much appreciated! (Please be kind!)

 

[tbtmo02]

I think maybe you should find out if his remotely interested n guys at all. Also he may be in a different place where he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and only into hookups. Also maybe you should ask yourself if it is really worth losing a good friend over this. Does he know you are gay?

 

[bored010]

I think maybe you should find out if his remotely interested n guys at all. Also he may be in a different place where he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship and only into hookups. Also maybe you should ask yourself if it is really worth losing a good friend over this. Does he know you are gay?

Yes, he is gay. He goes to pride events and is very open nowadays. He does know I am gay. I think I'm probably the first openly gay person he knew.

He is very vocal about not wanting to be in hookups.

I kinda feel that if I weighed the options of whether or not its "worth" losing a friend every time, I'd never be in a relationship because I like to start out as friends because I like to know who, and feel comfortable with who I am dating. I feel like I need to take the risk because I am already past the shallow end of the pool. I fear that if I let it go, I will regret and maybe even resent myself for not doing something about it. However I feel that if he doesn't reciprocate the feelings back, It would be awkward, but I think at least knowing and if need-be, go through the heart break might save the relationship. Still its all so much easier said than done.

I guess when it comes down to it, Im to scared to move to the next step and that makes me sad (litterally, it makes me feel depressed)

 

[Seasoned]

I think you ought to switch gears to become an older brother or mentor and leave behind any thoughts of romance. It appears that's how he views you. It almost seems that you were "on hold" waiting for him to grow up. It's good that there was no physical contact, but by not keeping your emotions in check you set yourself up to be at this point. It seems as though you don't want to give up the "high" you get from the fantasy you keep but it's time to get on with your life and your emotional growth. Either give it up on your own or take the plunge and be direct with him. By not giving him the opportunity to say yes you are indicating you'd rather live in make believe. Don't continue to cheat yourself from moving on if you need to.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah what you are doing is dithering, you won't say something because if he says no you think you won't have him at all, and apparently what you have is better than what might happen.

Life gives you no guarantees, you play it safe, that usually means you play alone.

 

[tbtmo02]

Honestly you should just let your feelings be known. If he rejects you then you should tell him you want to friends none the less

 

[bored010]

Thanks you guys, you've helped a lot actually in helping realizing that I'm only wasting my own time in some "dream" world.

 

[Seasoned]

You are the one to be commended. You came here with your story to get feedback. You seem to have gotten confirmation of what you had already known but not willing to admit. It might not be easy to just drop your feelings so don't hesitate to keep posting. There are also plenty of us who could offer support through private messages. Good luck to you.

 

[bored010]

You are the one to be commended. You came here with your story to get feedback. You seem to have gotten confirmation of what you had already known but not willing to admit. It might not be easy to just drop your feelings so don't hesitate to keep posting. There are also plenty of us who could offer support through private messages. Good luck to you.

It's interesting you say this because you are certainly right, it's not easy to just fall out of love like that, and just today, I woke up after a dream I had about him. I know they are only dreams, but damn, the subconscious mind certainly has a way of dangling what we'd like to have right in front of us and when you wake up and its all gone, it kinda sucks and I've been thinking a lot about just saying something to him.

I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't just drop me like a sack of potatoes, but if he didn't feel the same way, I know he'd be diplomatic about it.

I just really feel like I'd regret it later on if I didn't even at least try. At least if I get my heart broken, I can finally move on without wondering what if. I've been through the cycle only two times before of really liking someone and being let down and that type of emotional pain really sucks and would be the part to be least desired obviously.

I've been in relationships before so It's not as if I've never been accepted by another person, its just they all kinda let me down because to them the relationship was more physical than love. The reason I find myself really attracted to him is because we share the same idea of what a relationship ought to be. Don't get me wrong, I am physically attracted to him as well, but that alone just isn't enough for me, if that were the case I'd be in love with every other guy I see lol.

Lets say for a moment that I do ask him out one on one, not necessarily as a date, but just the two of us, how does one keep his cool? I'm alright in a group setting, but I get really shy and sometimes awkward when I'm alone with someone I like and it drives me crazy because I feel like I'm blowing it. Does anyone else really have this issue? If so, what are good things to do to just try and relax?

 

[Seasoned]

The difficulty you're going to have is your secret agenda. You'll be treating it as a date whereas he'll think the two of you are hanging out. You seemed to have changed your mind about this back to your original thought. If you proceed with him be upfront so he can shoot you down if that's the case and you won't have to go months or years fantasizing. Don't put yourself in a place where emotions will lead you to daydream your life away.