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NiceGuysDontFinishLast

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Hello Everyone! This is my first time ever posting on here, but there is something on my mind that has been bothering me for a while and I would love to hear some of your thoughts.


So... I have a best friend who over the course of time... I've developed feelings for (we are both openly gay). Last year, I told him how I felt in an e-mail and he was caught completely off guard. The only thing he said was that crossing the line between a friendship/ relationship was a risk he was scared to take, and he values what we have. After his response... I left it alone.

But the feelings has gotten worse. I thought it was a phase of just liking him, but I believe I love this guy. I feel the need to meet with him face to face expressing it again... but this time I want to know how he feels as well because he never told me. In the past, I told him that he never told me his feelings towards me & he said "And I won't because I don't want to complicate things"... which really threw me for a loop because I told him if he felt no attraction then I could handle that. I would take that over the response he gave me, anyways.

When we're out... people always assume we are dating & I have an idea that he feels similar to the way I feel. But is really scared to cross the line. What do you guys think?
 
You can either just accept him as he is, and accept the relationship for what it is, or else just leave the relationship. You can't change him, and you can't second-guess what he says. If he says he doesn't want to cross the line from friendship, then believe him. And don't cross it. Just let that go. If you can't accept just being friends with him and nothing more, then maybe you should end it with him kindly explaining that you and him want different things from it and that won't work. Nobody's fault. You just have to accept what he says.
 
Thanks for your response!

I do want our friendship to work though... I value it so much. I just feel like he doesn't know the extinct of my feelings, and sometimes he confuses me with the statements he makes.
 
The one thing I've learned from experience is that both people have to want the relationship for it to work. It doesn't matter how much you want to have a physical relationship with him, if he doesn't, it isn't going to happen. It is a really hard pill to swallow when you are obsessed with someone, but that is the reality of the situation. Look for another guy to be physical with.
 
From the sounds of things, this is bothering you enough that it won't just "go away". You are already projecting on him, wondering "what if?" I think you might as well bring it up again, saying that you know he was worried about losing you as a friend and therefore not willing to have more than friendship, but that you can't stand not knowing where he stands anymore.

Be aware, however, that he may well not be interested like that and it may be hard to be around him once you know that for a fact. But then you will know and you can try to move on with your life. He probably won't write you off for liking him and bringing it up again, but you may end up writing him off for not reciprocating your feelings.
 
I don't think there's much of a chance to have this develop into a romantic relationship because most romantic relationships spring from feelings, not thoughts. I think most of us have a built in boundary mechanism which allows us to keep friendships free from the emotional involvement that comes from sexual relationships. In the end you'll need to decide if the friendship is what's important and, if so, you'll need to work through your romantic feelings. The best way to do that is by distraction.
 
Being friends and being sexually attracted to each other are two different things. It's possible, you just got to accept he isn't sexually attracted to you.
 
bw92116 said:
You can either just accept him as he is, and accept the relationship for what it is, or else just leave the relationship. You can't change him, and you can't second-guess what he says. If he says he doesn't want to cross the line from friendship, then believe him. And don't cross it. Just let that go. If you can't accept just being friends with him and nothing more, then maybe you should end it with him kindly explaining that you and him want different things from it and that won't work. Nobody's fault. You just have to accept what he says.
Click to expand...

^^^This.



NiceGuysDontFinishLast said:
I do want our friendship to work though... I value it so much. I just feel like he doesn't know the extinct of my feelings, and sometimes he confuses me with the statements he makes.
Click to expand...

You have a decision to make. If you can be his friend and restrain your romantic feelings for him, that's fine.

But if you're going to keep looking for any hint that he's interested, then you're just torturing yourself for something that is not going to work out. If you can't accept this, you would be better off putting some space between the two of you until you get some perspective on your feelings.
 
Ok, let me be the bad guy here:

Friendships between gay guys naturally develop into more if both parties are interested. At the very least to fwb. If that does not happen, then the other guy just isn't physically/romantically interested. The "I'm afraid to cross the line" excuse is bullshit, although he might well believe it.

I am actually in a very similar situation right now, and all I can say is - if he shared your feelings, he would have gone for it, and that's that. You can still try to provoke said feelings, but don't project - he probably does not have them at the moment.
 
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