In love with my best friend, he knows, but he's straight--

[ThreeCrows]

Time apart sounds right, but don't end your friendship.

He rejected you as a romantic/sexual partner, not as a friend, correct? Seems like he wants to be your friend, even if he can't be what you want him to be.

 

[Nomenclature]

He wants to be your friend, and you want more than that. You can't turn feelings like that off like a switch, so I think you're always going to want him in a way that he just can't offer.

Think of it like this: If a female best friend was in love with you, and wanted to make passionate love to you. . .would you be able to, knowing you're gay?


So, time away sounds good. . .but I think for your own sanity, you're going to need to allow yourself to be available to someone who can return the feelings you have; who CAN offer you love, sex and a relationship. You deserve that.

 

[sixthson]

I don't think time apart is necessarily the answer. Since you are already fixated on him, you might just become obsessed with him if you are apart. Afterall, he is your BEST friend.

There is a natural affection, love and attraction between friends. While it is not sexual, it is what draws two people together in friendship. Not only do you love your friend, but you like him alot and admire him. You are compatible on many levels, just not the way you want him to feel about you. The intimacy between friends is a wonderful thing, but you can't confuse that with romance. Sometimes the lines between feelings of closeness and love for a friend and romantic feelings can get blurred.

If he is the kind of friend you can talk to about these things, I think he can help you work through this. Also, you want to love and be loved in a romantic way and you need to get others in your life for that. When you do that, I think you be able to see this for what it is: you have a crush on your best friend.

 

[G-Lexington]

6s has hit on what I think is an important point. I do think time apart is a good idea, but not if that time is spent sitting alone in a room pining after him. The point is to focus yourself in other directions. Cutting him out of your life (even temporarily) will just leave a void if you don't fill it with something.

Your situation is actually pretty common. I'd call it "convenience crushing", except people are reluctant to put the word "crush" on what they're feeling. It's common to fall for one of the few people you're out to, even if (or especially if) they're straight.

Which eads to the obvious next step. Work on coming out more. The more people know you're gay, the better your chances of falling for someone who wil actualy return the feelings.

Lex

 

[Seasoned]

I feel for you, but think that you need to change the situation. You are too dependent on him for acceptance. You would be well served by meeting new people and by continuing your coming out process.

 

[Audio Tech]

I have a friend like that for 20 years now. Same thing exactly. I nearly lost my mind over him. He did help me through a lot of my problems, which made our bond even stronger. Friends like that are very hard to come by and should be treasured.

In my case, we ended up being apart for some time, not because I wanted to, but because of life's circumstances. This did help me get over the "crush" I had for him.

Now we see each other again, as time permits. I still love him, and I always will. But I realized that I just LOVE him. Without needing anything more. He's married now with kids, so has little time for himself. But when we do manage to hang out and kill a few hours, it just feels really good.

It would have been a bad mistake to loose a GOOD friend over this. I'm glad I didn't. He'll always be one of my best, and someone else will be my lover. That's just how things work out.

I hope my own perspective helps. I KNOW it can be very painful.

 

[miguelfukt]

i dont think telling him you need time apart is a good idea at all. what if he feels like you are abandoning him as a friend and drops you completely? then you would feel even worse than you do now.

 

[slnattak]

My friend and I have known each other for years, *and he's the only one I've come out to*

That's the issue. This being in love with straight best friend thing will ALWAYS happen as long as a gay man doesn't find some sort of gay community they click with and tries to give other gay men a chance. If there really isn't any to your liking, you could always start your own.

The real issue here is your closet. Perhaps you have good reasons. Obviously not every area is friendly to gays. So maybe you'd find it helpful to find a gay community with a wide variety of guys you can choose to like. I don't really know what your specific community is like but I think it always goes people aren't as close-minded as we think....but they're probably also not as 'Love the rainbow gays' as we want them to be either. Ya know? Nobody cares they just kinda want to live their own lives with their own family and all of that. It's just something to get comfortable with yourself first. Anyways I'm rambling. But your issue here is being in the closet, not falling in love.

 

[billybob109]

I have learned that when in love with a straight friend never tell them how you feel or that you need time apart it is not a relationship simply stop talking to him for a few days to clear your head. Telling him you like him will make thinks weird

 

[slnattak]

He finally replied unsure of what to say. He stressed the fact that I have to stop acting jealous over things he does and recommended "as a friend" that I seek professional help.

Honey it does sound like you do need some help. I will try to help you myself here, for free.

Sometimes I think I love my straight best friend Dean. (name changed to protect him) But when we actually interact it's not romantic or loving at all. He's just friendly to me like a good friend. But it lacks the passion and drama and intensity of another gay guy. I only love the idea of him being somebody he's not, which is gay with me. But in reality we just don't really work well romantically. I don't even want him. Maybe your situation is different, but you're seriously creeping this guy out and if you're not careful he might reasonably file a restraining order on you.

He just doesn't feel the same way about you but if you're 'Lost and confused' how can this person be making you happy? How is this love? It just sounds like a puppy dog crush that you will easily get over the more self-confident you get. Did anybody ever tell you (and I know it's annoying advice but) you can only love other people and be loved by them until you love yourself?

 

[slnattak]

It's kinda weird, in the absence/vortex I think I will be in love with a straight guy but really I just miss their friendship or something because when we interact in real life I just don't see it working. Now, of course *bisexual* men are all kinds of confusing but at least I know there's a shot at requited affection.

I think a lot of gay guys confuse love with brotherly affection. I mean the more I interact with straight guys in reality the more they just feel like brothers to me. The idea of getting sexual with them, it's like there's this 'blockage' with that. They can be emotionally pleasing which I think the gay guy confuses that with romance. I think the more self-confidence you get and the more you're able to be 'out of the closet' without being down on yourself, the more this issue won't really bother you.