My best friend is getting married, and I think he'll ask me to be the best man. Idk what to say because I'm in love with him, he doesn't know I'm bi or that I love him to my knowledge. I went to college and barely called him so I wouldnt want him. advice?
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In love with my bestfriend and it sucks
- Thread starter toogood4u2have
- Start date
I thought these feelings were gone but when I came home I started dreaming about him again and its like torture. I know there's a million topics like this but I just need some advice. I have tried to push him away but he keeps coming back.
texan_slant
Sex God
This has happened to me in the past. Unfortunately, I have had feelings for all of my best friends at one time or another.
It's an honor when someone asks you to be their best man. It means that they hold you in high regard. The best thing you can do is appreciate your best friend for who he is, and support him on his happy day as a friend, and as a symbol of friendship.
Remember that he knows nothing of what you feel, so let's say you turned down the offer of being best man. He's gonna wonder WTF?
Esp now that he is getting married, don't even venture to tell him at this point because it wouldn't necessarily add any value.
Assuming that you had gone away to college, it's normal for old feelings to come back, and when you go back to school, things will prob go back to normal again. Stand up for him in the wedding, go back to college, and move on.
It's an honor when someone asks you to be their best man. It means that they hold you in high regard. The best thing you can do is appreciate your best friend for who he is, and support him on his happy day as a friend, and as a symbol of friendship.
Remember that he knows nothing of what you feel, so let's say you turned down the offer of being best man. He's gonna wonder WTF?
Esp now that he is getting married, don't even venture to tell him at this point because it wouldn't necessarily add any value.
Assuming that you had gone away to college, it's normal for old feelings to come back, and when you go back to school, things will prob go back to normal again. Stand up for him in the wedding, go back to college, and move on.
I understand and thanks for ur help but Im done with school. I dont want to be selfish but Ill cry at the altar. Ive loved him 7 years hes the only guy I loved. it wouldnt be as bad if it didnt seem like he was bi. i tried to make myself hate him & i cant.
Have you considered telling him how you feel? I know that would require coming out to him, and that's not something to suggest lightly. You're in a dilemma--you either need to stand up for him as his Best Man, or if you're constitutionally unable to do that, you need to give him a rational explanation why not.
There's another issue here--just because he's getting married does not mean he's not bi himself. I only mention this because you seem to have detected that he might be and are a little bewildered (if that's the right word) that he's getting married at all.
As much as you might initially react against this, consider sitting him down and leveling with him. Tell him you're bi and were (and are again) attracted to him. As much as you like/admire him, and wish him the very best, it's very painful to see him marry someone. Granted, that's a huge and dramatic step, and it might have drawbacks that aren't apparent to anyone on this board (only you would know that). The benefit, though, is that it protects both your and his feelings, and keeps your character and integrity intact. If he is straight, and determined to marry his Mrs. Right, then knowing how you feel will let both of you off the hook. I think he'd excuse you from that task, and respect you for your honesty and candor in the process. But, again, only YOU know him and the situation for sure.
Good luck. There's no easy answer here. Let us know what happens.
There's another issue here--just because he's getting married does not mean he's not bi himself. I only mention this because you seem to have detected that he might be and are a little bewildered (if that's the right word) that he's getting married at all.
As much as you might initially react against this, consider sitting him down and leveling with him. Tell him you're bi and were (and are again) attracted to him. As much as you like/admire him, and wish him the very best, it's very painful to see him marry someone. Granted, that's a huge and dramatic step, and it might have drawbacks that aren't apparent to anyone on this board (only you would know that). The benefit, though, is that it protects both your and his feelings, and keeps your character and integrity intact. If he is straight, and determined to marry his Mrs. Right, then knowing how you feel will let both of you off the hook. I think he'd excuse you from that task, and respect you for your honesty and candor in the process. But, again, only YOU know him and the situation for sure.
Good luck. There's no easy answer here. Let us know what happens.
texan_slant
Sex God
I know that I could be completely taking this out of context, but you sound resentful, yet he hasn't done anything wrong.
...or had you guys fooled around during your friendship?
...or had you guys fooled around during your friendship?
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You say "Yes". Because he's your friend. And if you truly love him, you'll wish him nothing but happiness.
If you're really worried that you're going to break down and create a scene, then you can decline but he's still going to want you to be a groomsman or be at the wedding.
So far, you've dealt with your feelings by avoiding the situation and running away. Time and distance often do work but not this time around. Maybe this is the point where to stop avoiding the reality of the situation and begin the process of moving on and finding the person that you're meant to be with?
vulgar_newcomer
JUB Addict
I was in a similar place with my first long term bf. We did every thing together, from work to travel. We lived together and had a good relationship. Later, Travel kept me away from home and we discussed it. Though we loved each other and lived together for another 2 yrs we broke up as a couple.
He was still my bf and I was very much in love but understood. He starting dating a girl and it wasn't cool in my jealous mind somehow I figured it made more sense to keep him in my life then end our friendship.
He asked me to be his best man, it twisted me up in a knot just the fact that he was getting married but to be the best man for a guy I had been with and living with for 9 yrs since 18!!! I loved him very much but well what can you say?
Sure, was my answer to being the best man.
It broke my heart but made me happy that I counted that much to him and many friends thought I was a fool and how could I do that as we really were such a couple doing almost every thing together socially plus shared the same taste in clothing to what we liked (except I am gay). I have no regrets but it was fucking tough. We talked about this and it got a little emotional between both of us more than once with watery eyes but it was how it was to be for him regardless if I agreed or not and what friend denies another their goals when you start out young things will change?
It was good being his best man and the wedding was very nice. His wife was aware of our relationship and between her and me there was some tension. However throughout the years we remained casual and friendly until she tried to involve me in a ARMS mortgage scheme.
A couple weeks before he married he moved out. Directly after his marriage he moved to the other coast for a job. It was all positive for him. I was happy but shed more then a few tears. Luckily I met a cool guy almost the next week after the marriage and that turned into a lifetime partner but I still think of my best friend who treated me well in all aspects but had to follow his heart. I still wish he was in my life, however we drifted as things happen with all those miles and that was likely for the best.
It was and is not easy but love takes 2 to tango and just because the relationship changes does not mean that true love cannot flourish in a different form just as a tree is green and fresh in the spring, and in late fall the leaves change as they fall off but it is still a good tree that has many more years of shade to give if you allow it to grow.
He was still my bf and I was very much in love but understood. He starting dating a girl and it wasn't cool in my jealous mind somehow I figured it made more sense to keep him in my life then end our friendship.
He asked me to be his best man, it twisted me up in a knot just the fact that he was getting married but to be the best man for a guy I had been with and living with for 9 yrs since 18!!! I loved him very much but well what can you say?
Sure, was my answer to being the best man.
It broke my heart but made me happy that I counted that much to him and many friends thought I was a fool and how could I do that as we really were such a couple doing almost every thing together socially plus shared the same taste in clothing to what we liked (except I am gay). I have no regrets but it was fucking tough. We talked about this and it got a little emotional between both of us more than once with watery eyes but it was how it was to be for him regardless if I agreed or not and what friend denies another their goals when you start out young things will change?It was good being his best man and the wedding was very nice. His wife was aware of our relationship and between her and me there was some tension. However throughout the years we remained casual and friendly until she tried to involve me in a ARMS mortgage scheme.
A couple weeks before he married he moved out. Directly after his marriage he moved to the other coast for a job. It was all positive for him. I was happy but shed more then a few tears. Luckily I met a cool guy almost the next week after the marriage and that turned into a lifetime partner but I still think of my best friend who treated me well in all aspects but had to follow his heart. I still wish he was in my life, however we drifted as things happen with all those miles and that was likely for the best.
It was and is not easy but love takes 2 to tango and just because the relationship changes does not mean that true love cannot flourish in a different form just as a tree is green and fresh in the spring, and in late fall the leaves change as they fall off but it is still a good tree that has many more years of shade to give if you allow it to grow.
BiBlackMan
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The exact same thing happened to me. It hurt like hell, but none of it was his fault. I went to and participated in the wedding because he is my best friend. Saying no would have lead to more questions that I wasn't ready to answer (honestly) at the time. You know what, it also hurt me some when he and his wife had a baby. It's not rational, but sometimes feelings defy being controlled.
I have since told him that I'm bi and that I have feelings for him, including very explicit dreams about giving him oral to completion. The reason I told him was the ultimate result of me temporarily (and unexplained) putting some emotional distance in our friendship. Of course the sudden change made no sense to him and our friendship suffered. We spent a night together eating and drinking our way through San Francisco, and he ended up asking me what was wrong. I told him because he's my best friend and I should feel safe enough to be completely honest. His reaction was great, understanding and what one should be able to expect from a best friend.
It doesn't change the way I feel about him, but at least I now know that my feelings are misplaced, nothing is going to happen between us, and that I have a true best friend who is accepting and empathetic of my feelings.
One last thought I will share with you that I've learned from my therapist. My feelings/desire for my best friend has much more to do with my own low self-esteem, confusing friendship with romantic love, and the need for intimacy as a means to being validated or needed. Because I have also fallen in love with two other friends - both female - his theory seems quite probably true.
Think about it. Be a friend.
I have since told him that I'm bi and that I have feelings for him, including very explicit dreams about giving him oral to completion. The reason I told him was the ultimate result of me temporarily (and unexplained) putting some emotional distance in our friendship. Of course the sudden change made no sense to him and our friendship suffered. We spent a night together eating and drinking our way through San Francisco, and he ended up asking me what was wrong. I told him because he's my best friend and I should feel safe enough to be completely honest. His reaction was great, understanding and what one should be able to expect from a best friend.
It doesn't change the way I feel about him, but at least I now know that my feelings are misplaced, nothing is going to happen between us, and that I have a true best friend who is accepting and empathetic of my feelings.
One last thought I will share with you that I've learned from my therapist. My feelings/desire for my best friend has much more to do with my own low self-esteem, confusing friendship with romantic love, and the need for intimacy as a means to being validated or needed. Because I have also fallen in love with two other friends - both female - his theory seems quite probably true.
Think about it. Be a friend.
sorry for the late response my phone wouldnlet me type much but think he`s bi because ii know he watched gay porn and has had fantasies about guys, also he watches logo and ii think he has a manhunt page with his face covered. he always jokes about fucking one of our friends and thought saw them kissing before but couldnt really tell. ii may be like biblackguy and it may be my own insecurity making me believe this. think ill be the best man and tel him when ready.
texan_slant
Sex God
Well, regardless of the porn that he's watched and what your speculation is, etc. you still have to accept the fact that he's getting married.
Sexuality is not black and white, and yes, he could be bi, but fact of the matter is regardless of the porn that he's watched and what your speculation is, etc. you still have to accept the fact that he's getting married, will be in a committed relationship, so the ball is in your court to accept it for what it is and move on.
I always assume that people are straight unless they say otherwise.
Sexuality is not black and white, and yes, he could be bi, but fact of the matter is regardless of the porn that he's watched and what your speculation is, etc. you still have to accept the fact that he's getting married, will be in a committed relationship, so the ball is in your court to accept it for what it is and move on.
I always assume that people are straight unless they say otherwise.
thephoenix
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I've been in a very similar situation, and I have emerged from the dark tunnel and into the daylight on the other side. I loved my best friend a lot; in fact to this day I don't think I've loved anyone as much as I did him....but I know one day I will. The same principle applies to you.
You have some serious soul searching ahead of you because whether you like it or not you're gonna have to wrestle with this. You're gonna have to decide if friendship is enough. Then you're going to have to look at your situation and figure out your motivations. Most importantly, you're going to have to build yourself a life and as silly as this sounds, it's going to be the scariest part. I've noticed a lot of people, myself included, hiding from life behind an unrequited love. I mean, my line of thinking was: I already love someone what else do I need?
My friend was getting married and he wanted me to be his best man. I was consumed with pain at the thought, and I was going to tell him who I really was and how I felt about him because I just knew he would feel the same about me. It took my friend's mother, who it turns out knew me better than I thought, pointing out that she could see I loved her son to shake me back into reality. It made her happy that her son was loved, but she told me that she hoped that I loved him enough and in the right way to make the right choice.
I realized that telling him how I felt served me and my feelings. My friend seemed genuinely happy with his life and telling him that I was in love with him would harm that. I was being selfish. So, I kept my mouth shut and I stood by his side on his wedding day. As hard as that was for me, the thought that I would be responsible for his pain and unhappiness if I did the other was harder to face. Loving someone is difficult and it can be painful, but if you really love them their happiness should be an easy choice.
I made a conscious decision to focus on being a friend. I worked at changing my way of thinking by forcing myself to ask "how can I be a good friend?" as opposed to "Wow this is painful to me." How can you be a good friend?
Today, my best friend and I are closer than ever and I couldn't imagine not having that in my life or having what some people would mistakenly call "more." Because the truth is that is nothing more than true friendship. My friend, his wife, their two kids - they're my family. I take great satisfaction in that I am someone he can come to with his misfortunes as much as his fortunes and vice versa.
I didn't tell my friend I was in love with him, but I did tell him that I was into guys. He was unbelievably supportive. He asks about my dates, sets me up with some, and goes out of his way to be a friend.
You have a chance to bring true happiness into your life here. You just have to let go of the fantasy and embrace what's real.
You have some serious soul searching ahead of you because whether you like it or not you're gonna have to wrestle with this. You're gonna have to decide if friendship is enough. Then you're going to have to look at your situation and figure out your motivations. Most importantly, you're going to have to build yourself a life and as silly as this sounds, it's going to be the scariest part. I've noticed a lot of people, myself included, hiding from life behind an unrequited love. I mean, my line of thinking was: I already love someone what else do I need?
My friend was getting married and he wanted me to be his best man. I was consumed with pain at the thought, and I was going to tell him who I really was and how I felt about him because I just knew he would feel the same about me. It took my friend's mother, who it turns out knew me better than I thought, pointing out that she could see I loved her son to shake me back into reality. It made her happy that her son was loved, but she told me that she hoped that I loved him enough and in the right way to make the right choice.
I realized that telling him how I felt served me and my feelings. My friend seemed genuinely happy with his life and telling him that I was in love with him would harm that. I was being selfish. So, I kept my mouth shut and I stood by his side on his wedding day. As hard as that was for me, the thought that I would be responsible for his pain and unhappiness if I did the other was harder to face. Loving someone is difficult and it can be painful, but if you really love them their happiness should be an easy choice.
I made a conscious decision to focus on being a friend. I worked at changing my way of thinking by forcing myself to ask "how can I be a good friend?" as opposed to "Wow this is painful to me." How can you be a good friend?
Today, my best friend and I are closer than ever and I couldn't imagine not having that in my life or having what some people would mistakenly call "more." Because the truth is that is nothing more than true friendship. My friend, his wife, their two kids - they're my family. I take great satisfaction in that I am someone he can come to with his misfortunes as much as his fortunes and vice versa.
I didn't tell my friend I was in love with him, but I did tell him that I was into guys. He was unbelievably supportive. He asks about my dates, sets me up with some, and goes out of his way to be a friend.
You have a chance to bring true happiness into your life here. You just have to let go of the fantasy and embrace what's real.
MindBlast
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It doesn't matter at all what kind of porn he watches. It wouldn't have even mattered if he was gay. It wouldn't have even mattered if he was getting married to a man! The fact of the matter is, he's in a romantic relationship with someone who is NOT YOU. He feels how he feels, and you telling him isn't going to change that.
You can (and should) tell him you're gay, but do not tell him you're in love with him. You can love him, but don't be 'in love' with him, if you know what I mean.
texan_slant
Sex God
thephoenix - you are pretty right on. This has happened to me three times, and each and every time, I just have to work through it.
I agree that there is necessarily no value-add with professing love to someone whom you know you can't have.
breatheH20
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[Note: They should seriously merge all of these posts into one giant wad of repetition.]
@OP:
-All of us have gone through this.
-All of us get over it.
-Take your eyes off him and onto someone that you can have
-Keep your friend, no point in changing how you act towards him. He's just the object of your interest.
All in all, this will wash over. You can speed up the process with some of the previous suggestions.
@OP:
-All of us have gone through this.
-All of us get over it.
-Take your eyes off him and onto someone that you can have
-Keep your friend, no point in changing how you act towards him. He's just the object of your interest.
All in all, this will wash over. You can speed up the process with some of the previous suggestions.
If I were you with the little info I know, I'd be the best man (because he's your best friend) and also come out to him (because he's your best friend). I've heard about the situation of being in love with bestfriends before but I haven't really seen it work out when people tell other "straight" people they're in love with them; but hey, maybe it could because I've only seen a few instances. Honestly, the feelings of love will probably pass easier if you're not in proximity of him 24/7 too
From my experience, nothing anyone tells you is going to change anything. Sooner or later, you will realize that you’ve blurred your fantasy with reality, but that that doesn’t make it reality. You’re working with the wrong road map.
Most men know very quickly is they want to make out with someone and act on it. If they do not, as in your case, it generally becomes harder, not easier, to sexualize a friendship. Plus, even if the other guy is really gay or bi, that doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to have any sexual interest in you.
As far as you are concerned, whether through therapy or just talking things through with someone you can trust, you need to see why using the wrong road map works for you. If you were emotionally committed elsewhere and had a strong network of supportive friends, the stuff with this guy would be like dealing with any other long standing friend. So my guess is that it’s an avoidance mechanism or your own homophobia or whatever. In my case, it kept me occupied for far too many years because, as painful as it was, the alternatives were (in my mind) harder.
As far as the other guy is concerned, you could come out to him and see whether that brought you closer as friends. But he doesn’t sound like he has any empathy for you that would make that likely. What worked for me was the tennis game strategy of being friendly but always just putting the ball back in his court and letting him take at least an equal initiative in the friendship. In my case, this made me realize that I was generally the one keeping the relationship alive. Many “straight” are emotionally tied to their spouses but don’t have the bandwidth for developed male friendships, outside drinking or sports buddies.
I suspect that whether you are best man or not will, in retrospect, be completely irrelevant to your life. So, unless you just can’t go through with it, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it either way. It’s just a few hours of time that will not change anything, although the marriage itself will make the fantasy relationship more difficult to keep up.
You deserve better than this and need to find out why you would rather focus on this guy than trying to find someone more available. Good luck.
Most men know very quickly is they want to make out with someone and act on it. If they do not, as in your case, it generally becomes harder, not easier, to sexualize a friendship. Plus, even if the other guy is really gay or bi, that doesn’t mean he’s automatically going to have any sexual interest in you.
As far as you are concerned, whether through therapy or just talking things through with someone you can trust, you need to see why using the wrong road map works for you. If you were emotionally committed elsewhere and had a strong network of supportive friends, the stuff with this guy would be like dealing with any other long standing friend. So my guess is that it’s an avoidance mechanism or your own homophobia or whatever. In my case, it kept me occupied for far too many years because, as painful as it was, the alternatives were (in my mind) harder.
As far as the other guy is concerned, you could come out to him and see whether that brought you closer as friends. But he doesn’t sound like he has any empathy for you that would make that likely. What worked for me was the tennis game strategy of being friendly but always just putting the ball back in his court and letting him take at least an equal initiative in the friendship. In my case, this made me realize that I was generally the one keeping the relationship alive. Many “straight” are emotionally tied to their spouses but don’t have the bandwidth for developed male friendships, outside drinking or sports buddies.
I suspect that whether you are best man or not will, in retrospect, be completely irrelevant to your life. So, unless you just can’t go through with it, I wouldn’t make a big deal about it either way. It’s just a few hours of time that will not change anything, although the marriage itself will make the fantasy relationship more difficult to keep up.
You deserve better than this and need to find out why you would rather focus on this guy than trying to find someone more available. Good luck.
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Be his best man.
He isn't yours to have. He's in love with someone else.
Wish him joy.
Love him as a friend and brother.
Get over him.
I understand this, I am not an ego maniac but I have had guys approach me that I like, but cannot love. Unfortunately love is not always reciprocated - the boot has been on the other foot too.
So, I would tell him that he is my VERY BEST friend , my DEAREST friend and you wuold love to be his best man. He may also tell you a few things that might suprise you.
So, I would tell him that he is my VERY BEST friend , my DEAREST friend and you wuold love to be his best man. He may also tell you a few things that might suprise you.