In love with roommate... of course

[discovery2010]

So - I live with a gay guy. We're both around 23-24, and started living together 4-5 months ago. We're both new to DC (I moved 8 months ago, he did right before we moved in together). We met on the housing section on craigslist, met up, everything checked out, found an apartment, etc.

In the time we've known each other, he's become my best friend and probably the closest relationship I've ever had. We spend a lot of time together, and did pretty much everything together especially in the first 2 months of our roommateship.

Anyway - we had sex the night we moved in together. Then again a week later. Then again a month after that. They were all very nice experiences (of which I have had very few). I've never been in a relationship, and he's had one particularly fucked up one. We're both complicated queers who share most details of our lives. All the insecurities. Most of the feelings. We both have lots of things that are good and bad about us. I embrace every part of him. He's changed my life in many ways in the short time we've known each other.

I've discovered that I have more than platonic feelings for him. Obviously the sex contributed to that, but I'm sure I would have developed them even in the absence of sex. We had sex again last week. After each time, we've had a conversation about "what does this mean" with the ultimate conclusion that "we should keep communication open and honest" etc. Of course I haven't been honest completely. He hasn't really expressed any feelings during those chats either, so I honestly have no idea where he's at.

I've been thinking about this for a very long time, and most recently, it's taking a real toll on me. I think about it and him all the time. I'm pretty sure that he won't reciprocate my feelings if I expressed them, and that's fine. I can accept that. And I don't think our relationship will get weird. We are both mature enough to deal with it once it's out in the open. But I'm still deathly afraid to talk about it. The thing is -- I don't think this would lead to one of us moving out or anything. I am very happy having him in my life every day - and I need him to be in my life. And that's my hesitation. I don't know. This is hard. I've never felt this way about anyone before. At all. I don't know what love is. I don't know what a relationship is. I know very few things. I realize the answer probably is to talk about it all. I don't know. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you.

 

[The White Stripe]

If you want to see what his feeling are maybe you shouldn't come out with your feelings outright, but rather give a subtle hint. Maybe suggest that the two of you go out to a nice restaurant together or catch a movie, alone. This would more than likely give him the hint that you don't just want a friend with benefits (although I don't know him or the dynamics of your friendship with him), but if a guy I was occasionally sleeping with asked me to a nice dinner or a movie, I'd start to realize he had feelings for me. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. However it seems like a gentle way of getting a response out of him, without getting to personal. Which what I think you are looking for.

If he says no, that might be an indication that he is happy with the way things are and doesn't have the romantic feelings you might, but this way it won't be VERY awkward. Still maybe some awkwardness, but less than spilling your guts.

Keep an eye out for hints from him that might suggest that he is interested, but if not make the move and ask him if he'd like to have a night out with you. I think that might do it.

The simple fact is that there are some people who can just have casual sex with someone they are comfortable with and develop no feelings for them romantically. He is obviously comfortable with you, which is a point in your favor. He could be one of those types of guys, but even if he is I don't see how it could hurt to ask him out. Even if he turns you down he will probably get the hint that you are into him.

That could possibly lead somewhere.

Regardless of what you decide to do, stay his friend. Don't get overly-attached, because he isn't yours after all, and keep an open mind about the situation.

Good luck, Discovery2010.

 

[T-Rexx]

I'm pretty sure that he won't reciprocate my feelings if I expressed them, and that's fine. I can accept that.

No, it's not fine. And no, you can't. That's not a criticism. It is the nature of love.

Love hurts. A lot. I don't know why that is so necessary, but that's just the way it is. You stand at a point where the status quo (continuing a potentially unrequited love) is no longer acceptable to you. Neither is the very real possibility of rejection. It is lose/lose.

You need to talk to him, of course. But you already know that. If he reciprocates your feelings, then your life will get dramatically better for a while. If, as you suspect, he does not reciprocate, then your life will get dramatically worse. You will be depressed and dysfunctional for months. It will be the worst thing you have ever experienced. You know it will be devastating, but it will be worse than anything you can possibly imagine. Your life will be completely and utterly destroyed.

Unfortunately, you have no choice. You like to think you have some control over this situation, but you have almost none. Events are going to roll out favorably or unfavorably, and it is not in your power to control which way things go. The only control you have is when, exactly, it happens. But it's going to happen, and the status quo is already unacceptable to you (or you would not have started this thread). You need to act, and accept whatever consequences occur.

This may make you very happy or very sad. But, understand that whatever happens, it was never really in your power to control that outcome. Life is sometimes wonderful and sometimes not worth living. But that is the nature of our existence. All we can do is to get through it as best we can.

Good luck to you, discovery.

 

[Rolyo85]

A lot of this is presented as fact, when it's clearly speculation. You don't KNOW he doesn't reciprocate. In fact, you don't know what's more likely. It is very possible (and it happens quite often) that he also has some tentative feelings for you, and is just as afraid of showing them as you are, and for the same reasons.

In the end, wouldn't you rather know, one way or the other? As afraid as you are of losing him, if he has no feelings for you, the whole thing will collapse in pain, sooner or later (and it will hurt harder the later it is). While if he does, you may lose the window of opportunity.

Come clean. Try the roundabout way, or be honest (not desperate and needy, and pleading, but simply honest). You have already promised each other honesty. Abide by that promise when it matters

 

[KaraBulut]

This is what happens when relationships fall into the gray area.

It's really not good to have someone is who a friend, a roommate and a fuck-buddy. It's rough enough to try to maintain 2 of those 3 things but to try to be all 3? That's too much complication for the average person.

The talk that the two of you need to have is about which of those 3 things is important to both of you.

If being roommates is the most important thing, then you may need to cool down the friendship and put an end to the convenience-sex.

If the friendship is the most important thing, then you have to decide whether you can be friends and still get naked with each other on a semi-regular basis. And you have to decide whether, given all the complications, you can continue to be roommates.

If the sex is the most important thing, then it's probably better that the two of you not be roommates- at least until you have figured out whether this is just fucking or whether it's the beginning of a romantic relationship.

 

[discovery2010]

Thanks for all the feedback, everyone. Your perspectives are helpful. I think I know what to do.

 

[Seasoned]

Keep is posted, if you like. It might be good for you to have some support. Good luck.

 

[SC6201]

"Hey there...I think I'm starting to fall for ya a bit...where do we stand so I don't get too emotionally attached if its not there for you?...either way, I still wanna do ya tonight!"