I'm so pleased your situation has worked out Smeyers, and I hope your relationship continues to blossom. Just in case anyone else is feeling the same (ie. in love with a straight friend), I wrote in to the problem page of the Guardian newspaper (UK) recently to ask for advice. The objective responses on this topic, i'm sure, can be of some use to all of us.[
I've been in love with a friend of mine for two years now. Coming into a new work environment, I felt alienated and lonely until he reached out and made a real effort to include me in his social circle. However, my behaviour towards him was unforgivably lukewarm and I ended up socialising with another group of friends whose relationships with one another seem to be borne out of convenience rather than genuine affection.
Despite this, my colleague continued to spend time with me, and it was then that I realised my feelings for him go beyond friendship. However, frustratingly, his popularity means that I can never spend enough time with him. I have remained in the closet for years, and have never acknowledged my sexual orientation before, so I feel completely clueless in this situation.
Though others have jested about our "relationship", he doesn't seem to notice the gossip. We have continued to be friends. He has recently decided to move away, and although we will still see each other socially, it won't be the same when he's not around. He's straight, so I know nothing could ever happen between us, but the painful prospect of losing him means I am now seriously considering telling him the truth, if only to save our friendship and make the time we spend together less uncomfortable for me. Do I owe him this, or would keeping quiet prevent me causing irreparable damage?
Find a real relationship
It's very hard to come to the realisation that you want to act on feelings you've had for so long about your sexuality, so you need to give yourself a break. Staying in the closet has probably contributed to your feelings of isolation. The stress of keeping secrets and the guilt of perceiving yourself to be deceiving this man somehow permeate your letter, yet you have nothing to feel ashamed of.
Coming out is hard, but like childbirth, a brief period of excruciating pain is eclipsed by the benefits of a happier life afterwards. I'm sure your friend will be supportive if you confide in him about your sexuality, but as far as your feelings for him are concerned, you're right to recognise the reality of the situation that he is straight. Many of us have met the straight boy of our dreams. Being in love with someone who is unobtainable is easy - they can never truly reject you because a relationship with them isn't viable with them in the first place. If you're in love with him, you're avoiding the emotional risks involved in finding a real relationship with an available man. If you tell him how you feel about him, he may be flattered and moved by your feelings, but be prepared for him to be very embarrassed.
PM, via email
Talk about your sexuality
The discovery, or at least recognition, of your sexual orientation ought to be shared with a trusted confidant, as it may be blurring your perception of this relationship. That person may or may not be the colleague you have such strong feelings for. It is possible to experience a very deep love towards another man, which may draw on your sexual attraction to him, but which is only destined to develop in a platonic and emotionally rewarding direction. It may go beyond the understanding of a casual friendship, but it may still be worth letting your friend know your heartfelt feelings for him, without dwelling too much on their sexual nature.
You have discovered there is an intimate bond between the two of you, and quite naturally, this provokes a sense of loss at his departure. If he is genuine, he will seek to understand your brave declaration of the depth of your feelings for him - he may indeed share them.
DW, London
Keep quiet and move on
I'm afraid there are few options open to you in this situation: it's the ancient tragedy of unrequited love. The crux of the problem is: if your colleague is straight, then the best you can expect from telling him the truth is a polite rejection. At worst, being told unexpectedly that your friend loves you can feel very intrusive; it may put a great burden on him. Sadly, the best option to preserve your friendship is to keep your secret and your pain to yourself.
There's great consolation to be had in treating your feelings of love as a great pleasure in themselves. Love can be painful, but in the way that childhood memories are always bittersweet as they are imbued with the regret that we'll never experience them again, so it is with affections that will never be reciprocated. It's always a good idea to keep a safe, sceptical distance from the realities of our fantasies, so that the pleasant attraction and desire remains, but the spell is not broken by a disappointing truth. If you begin to think in this way, your distress may subside, and eventually you may be able to move on from this experience quite naturally.
DP, via email
It is time to come out
One of the great things for me about coming out as gay was that I stopped being besotted with straight men. I can't explain why it happened but it was, presumably, something to do with my increased self-respect and the realisation that I was not alone in my feelings. The process was not without its difficulties, but it enhanced my emotional wellbeing no end.
Wherever you live, there will be gay social groups, helplines and support organisations near you to advise and guide you through all this. You may want to talk about this with your friend; you may also want to mention the feelings you have for him too, or not.
Coming out is like entering a new world. It is an adventure - so it's risky - but it's definitely to be recommended.
Name and address withheld
What the expert thinks: Linda Blair
The reason you're feeling confused is that you're approaching your predicament as if it's one problem, when actually there are two separate issues that you need to address.
The first is your friendship with your colleague. Why do you feel this friendship will be threatened if he moves away? You explained that for some time after you first met, you spent much of your time with others. Yet he remained loyal to you, and he even went out of his way to see you. That doesn't sound like someone who'll let distance stand in the way of a friendship. Anyway, even though you work in the same office now, it doesn't seem that you have many opportunities to meet up. His departure may even strengthen your relationship, because you'll both have to make more of an effort, and you'll value the occasions when you manage to get together more highly. It's unlikely, therefore, that your friendship will suffer when he moves away - that is, if the friendship remains on the terms it's on now.
The real threat here is not that your friend is moving away, but rather that you're proposing to introduce a new element into the relationship, one that will change its quality. You want to tell your friend that you have feelings for him that he can't return. To help you understand what that may do to the relationship, try putting yourself in his position.
Imagine that a female friend of yours confessed that she's in love with you, and has been so for some time. How would you feel? Wouldn't you be sad, because you'd know that you're unable to return her feelings? Wouldn't you also feel rueful, because you'd realise that you hadn't necessarily helped her, nor made her happy by spending time with her - but that instead you may have caused her to feel frustrated? You might hesitate to contact her after her revelation, for fear of leading her on. I hope you can see that there would be nothing to be gained - and potentially much to be lost - by confessing your love.
However, this brings us to the second issue, the one you've conflated with your relationship with your friend. That is, you also need to come to terms with your sexuality, and discover how you can go about finding a fulfilling sexual relationship. You say you've kept your sexuality a secret "for years". Why? After all, if no one knows you're gay, why would anyone think to introduce you to a potential partner? And if you hide your sexual orientation, how would another gay man know you may be interested in a relationship?
I know that, sadly, prejudice towards gay people still exists, so you'll need to consider carefully how and who you come out to. You may need some advice - consider talking to someone you know who's gay and seems at ease with their sexuality.
I hope you can see the way ahead more clearly now. You can - and should - stop worrying about losing the friendship of a loyal and caring person simply because he's not on your doorstep. At the same time, there's no reason to deny yourself the chance of finding a lover.
He's not my colleague (changed because he reads the page and it would be blindingly obvious to anyone that knows me), but rather a friend I made in the final years of school and has tortured me ever since.
