In need of advice about life

[drewthesaltyboy]

Long story short, I'm 19, live with my parents, work, and go to school as a civil engineer major. I hate school, but I love work.

I'm currently in my second year of college and on the verge of failing out. I've forced myself for the past few years (since the last year of high school where I was taking college classes) to do things I didn't want to do. I know I want to be an engineer but I, unlike most people, see things for what they are. And to me, school is a load of BS. But, I'm fully aware that without a degree, you don't have many options. I don't receive any form of motivation from peers or family to get through the struggles of being a college student. It's terrible because I have an astonishingly bright, intelligent, creative, and innovative mind.

My parents have mostly led me in the right direction, and told me the right things but they're incapable of expressing empathy for any of my problems, including my sexuality and depression. It's always school school school, do this, do that etc. I've literally never been comforted by my parents when I come to them for anything. It always results in them lecturing me about how I should have listened to them, or done things differently, or that there's nothing actually wrong with me.
Basically, I've lived in an emotionally invalidating environment my whole life. Because of this, I deal with a roller coaster of emotions on a daily basis and never know how to relate my feelings to anything. Smoking pot is honestly the only thing that keeps me from going crazy. And no, I'm not a pot-head. I smoke only at night time when I have nothing to do but watch Netflix (or weekends).

I presented the possibility of dropping out quite a few times to my parents, and it's always the same lecture. I'm hard headed, why can't I be like my older siblings, and that if I don't do this I'll be a failure in life. Also, that if I drop out I have to find somewhere else to live within the time span of a semester (4-5 months).

I'm at a fat ass wall in my life. I don't know where to go, what to do, or how to feel. I've reached my lowest points in these past few months not only because of my own issues, but because of family drama as well. Suicide has, for the first time, crossed my mind. But I know that realistically, I could never do it. However, I do plan on seeking out a therapist to talk to. The one thing that is most difficult for me....opening up to people. I, and I'm sure many of you guys can relate, have bottled my emotions my whole life. I spent the first 16 years hiding, deceiving, and lying to people to cover up my sexuality. Until the day I came out of course. But even then, I still bottle emotions and keep my personal problems to myself. Which I think ultimately led my recent 10 month relationship to crumble (another factor of depression right now).

I just don't what to do. I think this world we live in is so depressing. The whole structure of life is depressing when you see it for what it is. The way we live our daily lives.... going to school, getting a job, working, working, working, paying bills etc. And then we reach a peak point in our life, where there's the decline in health, well-being, and then death.

I could go on about different issues, but I think you guys get the gist of what I'm saying.
What would anyone who's been in similar situations suggest? How can I find the help I need? Who should I talk to? Is school really my only option? (I can't afford to live making $9/hour.) What kind of groups or activities might be helpful to become affiliated with? By the way, I'm a very spiritual person if that means anything.

Edit: If anyone wants to talk on skype or PM, feel free. I'd love to talk one on one with someone. I never get the chance to have someone really listen and care about how I feel.

 

[MindBlast]

What are you doing for work? If you like Engineering, then you NEED school, cause you won't be able to do your job without it. Trust me. I'm a geophysicist and my dad is a civil engineer. The degree is more than a piece of paper for those professions.

On the other hand, you can make good money doing things other than 4-year degrees. Try a tradeskill. Drillers make a crapton of money. So do heavy duty mechanics. You could apply without school at the oilsands in Alberta or North Dakota for something like a haul truck driver. They make HUGE money.

 

[The White Stripe]

I think talking to a therapist would be a very mature decision, and I wouldn't think it a bad idea for and your parents to take it together. The thing is, there doesn't seem to be ONE thing bringing you down. If that were the case I could help you more, but you seem to have several things on your shoulders right now.

Break-ups, poor communication at home, and I know for a fact juggling a full time job and school is A HUGE undertaking. All of this seems to be adding up to really give you a dim outlook on life.

My only advise outside of trying to fix the communication at home through therapy sessions, would be to take up a hobby. Get outside. Don't spend your free time just getting high and watching movies. Go be with your friends or channel your creativity into something that you love and that can hold your attention.

Suicide is NEVER a viable option to any problem, as you seem to know. I think you should seek out a therapist and try and spend more time with other people, and doing things that are both productive and make you happy. (Sports, Art, Writing, etc.)

I'm sorry I couldn't provide better advice, but in some cases it is better to talk to a professional, and especially in the issue with your parents, it might be appropriate to do so.

Have a nice night Drew. Keep your head up, we are rooting for you. Your hard work in school and work will pay off in the long run.

 

[spiderpig1013]

Sounds like you're getting overwhelmed by life, and you are way too young to feel like this. I know College is a hassle, professors all asking to get your plans and calculations at the same time, schedules clashing between work and school but its all temporary, right now school is the main thing on your plate, once you are done with it, trust me, you'll miss it.

I had a similar experience when i was in Architecture school, i wanted to drop out too, most of the time because i thought my parents didn't love me because i rarely heard anything positive about my career choice, but a professor changed my mind about that.

I went to him with this very issue, i was going to drop out, and he interrupted me a few times as i was talking to him, complementing me on my Jacket, and then on my laptop, and my back pack, but when i finished venting my frustrations, he told me that if i was right, if my parents didn't help me or showed their support i would not have that jacket, those shoes or that backpack my father got for me, or the laptop my mother charged on her card, me, i wanted to feel validation from them to hear them but they did so in a more subtle way.

Don't feel like you are alone out there, you have are of great value to everyone around you, to the ones that love you, to the ones that know you, to the ones that befriended you, to the ones that want to build a bridge or need a fierce structural calculist, to the ones that haven't even met you.

Keep you chin up, and remember, the night is darkest just before the sun rises.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

OP, does it bother you that you depend on your parents when you are already 19?

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

A lot of people my age depend on their parents. What are you trying to suggest?

 

[The White Stripe]

A lot of people my age depend on their parents. What are you trying to suggest?

I'm 20, and still live with mine. Hell most people our age still don't have jobs so you and I already are stepping in the right direction.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

A lot of people my age depend on their parents. What are you trying to suggest?

Once upon a time decades ago, young people your age wanted to go out in the world and leave their parents' house. I know I did.

Having them pay for my college education was a compromise and I only felt like I started living after I dropped out of college and started to pay my own way.

Before I did that I never really felt entitled to feel anything, but after I learnt to get along in the 'real' working world I got in touch with my real emotions and those of others and landed firmly with both feet on the ground.

 

[Blueboy369]

Drew,
If you can turn things around in school and eventually graduate, apply yourself and just do it. This way you wont regret it later in life and you will have the added benefit of your family's help, while it's still available to you. If you feel like you're totally over school and cant wait to enter the real world, find a job and a room mate with whom you can share expenses. Life can suck some days but it can also be great. Happiness is a choice. Choose to enjoy yourself more.

 

[borg69unimatrix]

If you're good at school, stick with it. It's only a couple more years. You're YOUNG. That degree will get you far. You say you can survive on $9./hr. Believe me, $9./ hr won't get you far with rent, food, car, insurance, medical insurance, utilities, and a zillion other things that come up unexpectedly.

Hang in there. Once you've graduated and got that degree, you can go out on your own and then do whatever you want with the rest of your life.

 

[drewthesaltyboy]

If you're good at school, stick with it. It's only a couple more years. You're YOUNG. That degree will get you far. You say you can survive on $9./hr. Believe me, $9./ hr won't get you far with rent, food, car, insurance, medical insurance, utilities, and a zillion other things that come up unexpectedly.

Hang in there. Once you've graduated and got that degree, you can go out on your own and then do whatever you want with the rest of your life.

I said I couldn't live on that amount, but I know what you're saying.

And thank you everyone who responded, it's comforting to receive non-biased opinions for a change. <3

 

[Rolyo85]

Once upon a time decades ago, young people your age wanted to go out in the world and leave their parents' house. I know I did.

Having them pay for my college education was a compromise and I only felt like I started living after I dropped out of college and started to pay my own way.

Before I did that I never really felt entitled to feel anything, but after I learnt to get along in the 'real' working world I got in touch with my real emotions and those of others and landed firmly with both feet on the ground.

Yeah, I don't really like the whole "you should be out of their house by now, what are you doing?" line of thought. Job market isn't what it was even ten years ago. Young people can't always live on their own, even if they want to.

 

[Seasoned]

Do you have a peer group to help with emotional support while you face the "I don't see the importance of, or I don't like, this class or this teacher," part of higher educational stress? Older people who have been though it will have answers that will sound too pat.

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

Yeah, I don't really like the whole "you should be out of their house by now, what are you doing?" line of thought. Job market isn't what it was even ten years ago. Young people can't always live on their own, even if they want to.

People never like it when they're told they're wrong.

If drewthesaltyboy wants to stay in college and his parents are helping him (and they're not filthy rich so they can pay for a room for him) staying with them is the sensible thing to do. Otherwise he should move the Hell out of there.

 

[Rolyo85]

No argument there. It's just not as clear cut as "just do it, cause I did it, so everyone can". Everyone's circumstances are different.

 

[weinerslav]

Well, I can tell you about my experience, I dropped out when I was one semester short of finishing my degree in Economics, I was always a very good student, I liked economics, it's interesting, I learned a lot and it really is a great degree to get a job easily... The truth is event if I liked it, I could never see myself doing something related to economics for the rest of my life, in the end of my fist year I wanted to drop out, my parents where against it and I decided to keep studying... a couple of years after I was having anxiety attacks every time I had to go to the University, I was hatting my life, I was feeling the most miserable person because I was feeling trapped! I decided to quit, I was doing photography for years as an amateur, got a job in the area, and I feel the happiest person alive since! I still want to finish my degree (even if to me it will be useless) but only after I achieve my main goals as a professional photographer. I don't regret deciding to stay in school for a lot of reasons, but it's hard not to feel a bit of frustration at the same time because I feel I lost a few years of my life.

So, it depends... There isn't a correct answer to someone, it's up to you to make the decision, but do it wisely. If you're not happy, change your life, but have a backup plan, don't just trow it all away! On the other hand if you're working with a goal that you want to achieve, keep going, even if you don't like it now, the sacrifices will pay up later.

 

[cgymike]

I can relate in a way because I took some years of civil eng. thinking I could get a good job. Big mistake because I went to school for it for the wrong reasons and ended up wasting a lot of time and money. I couldn't get anywhere with my undergrad degree so thought it would be a great viable career path. And it is...for the right person. You have to be really good at math to a high level and physics as well. But for me the real deal was I couldn't really see what was going on - it was pretty theoretical and abstract with enormous amount of computations and equations that I really didn't understand. Some of the labs were Ok like smash lab for concrete and fluids. There at least you could see the applications. But it was really not enough to motivate me enough to even finish the final project. My advisor wasn't great either but he did say "you have to finish"...well I got pretty close. But the grades were very marginal and I had to really study to get even those. Was on academic probation a few times. In the final year I tried to get an internship (they had the company reps on campus as you may know)..but no bites. They probably wanted those with top grades. I also tried to apply for a lot of jobs with any company that hired ce's to be even a technician of calc checker but no luck there. I think I got 2 interviews but no offers. This was right before the internet or rather at the start so it was still very hard work to do it. At least now you can look forward to an easier process.
Even to write this frustrates me a good deal because it brings back to mind personal failure of a significant sort but maybe it's useful for you. I'm not advocating that you quit but consider your options carefully. It also could be the market for CE work wasn't as good back then ..1994...as now so you may stand a better chance. If you do decide to stick with the program get internship work as soon as possible to establish contacts OUTSIDE your school. If your motivation is for a job then make that top priority along with the grades. Hopefully find some subject that interests you and concentrate on that (say transportation engineering or tunnels etc). I know you are only in your second year but in this field it's critical! Hopefully your school has an Engineering Research Centre where you can alternatively get project experience even if it's again just checking calculations or assisting in a "go fer" type of role. Might be a viable alternative to the outside internship too. I know this is one possibility I never exploited and could have made the difference in motivation level needed to complete the program.
So I guess the moral is think carefully before you launch into higher studies and examine your motivations for doing so. I don't regret the 4 years I spent - made a lot of friends and the social life wasn't bad. But in the end it wasn't my cup of tea.


But I think from your post you may have other issues to sort out and a third party would help. Those have nothing to do with civil eng. directly...but finding one's interest in life is difficult and getting sufficient motivation to pursue it equally as difficult sometimes.

 

[jkom1f]

well, good luck with that

 

[Kulindahr]

Here's a strategy that worked for some guys I knew at college, who were in the school of engineering: they'd been in their sophomore and junior years respectively, struggling like crazy, really tired of the school thing and the pressures at the university. Both wanted to quit, but for different reasons they went with a slightly different path: rather than leave the time they'd spent as a waste, they turned to local technical/community colleges, had an advisor look through what they'd completed, and proceeded to quickly finish a two-year certification in something close to their previous majors. With certifications under their belts, both managed to find jobs, where they spent two years in a change of environment before returning to the university.

Both said coming back was one of the harder things they'd done, but agreed it gave them a fresh start at things, and both finished their engineering degrees with a lot more confidence than before.


In your situation, I'd just tell the parents I needed a break from the strain, and needed to have something in hand to show I'd accomplished something -- the two-year degree. And it doesn't hurt to have a year or two in a related field to show on a resume, or even on your record if your school has engineering internships.