In need of some serious advice. (warning: long)

[goterps]

I know this is really long, and I hope it makes sense. I know what's going on in my head, and it's a lot, so I tried to lay out the most important things.

Lately I've been going through a lot of bad stuff and I think it's time I finally try and get some advice. Let me give you some background info first.

I'm a 19 year old college student (sophomore, turning 20 in about a week). I've been out since high school to my friends, and no one has ever cared. I told my parents last year and they were completely supportive (although it's not a hot topic of discussion...well, ever). I love my school, have a solid group of friends, and I've got great grades. I've been told I'm pretty good looking, but I have issues with how skinny I am. Anyway, it would seem as if everything should be alright... which is part of what makes me feel so bad about my depression.

When I first realized I was gay, it wasn't too big of a deal to me. It seemed like something that made me stand out and I didn't really mind. This attitude changed in high school, however. It seemed like all my close friends were dating and hooking up, whether it be with each other or kids outside of our group. I felt lonely, and this is when the thoughts started forming about me not wanting to be gay anymore. I was in love with my best friend at the same time (of course, who wasn’t?), and I just couldn’t stand it. I kept thinking that if I wasn’t gay this wouldn’t happen, because if it was with a girl, there would be at least some chance she liked me. I pushed through it, thinking that college would be a whole lot better. I was going to a big university, and there would be plenty of gay people and I would finally have my first relationship.

Boy was I wrong. Around the time I started to get over my first guy, I started having feelings for another named Zack in high school. We weren’t close friends (yet), and we knew each other from basketball and shared classes. When you first go to a big college, you initially hang out with kids that you knew previously. So, we started hanging out a lot. We became best friends, and since we were the same major, we had the same classes and shared friends. Things were going pretty well at first, but I started to fall for him more and more. We would always go out to bars and parties and get drunk with our friends, and eventually he started dancing with women. He’s a pretty quiet guy, so he’s never had a girlfriend, but drunken college women don’t really care about much. I would watch and then get upset. He’s only hooked up with a girl 3 times (three different), and I’ve witnessed two of them. The first time it happened I had a drunken melt down and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for weeks. After a while, it seemed like every time I drank I would end the night going home alone and crying in my room.

Fast forward to this semester that previously ended, and this is where things got really bad. Zack and I decided to room together in the dorms for this semester, along with his roommate from last year. I knew this was a bad idea going in, but I guess I didn’t care. I fell more and more in love with him, and things got much worse. Living with him made me hate myself and wish I wasn’t gay more than ever. Whenever he would mention how hot a girl was, I’d get upset that I didn’t think she was and get upset over the fact that I cared he found her attractive. I’d be mad at myself for looking at him changing, and for finding him so goddamn attractive. He knows all about my feelings for him, and he doesn’t care at all.

Over time, I started becoming more and more depressed. EVERY single time I would drink, something would set me off and I’d get really upset. Eventually, I started coming home and taking a ton of pills before I fell asleep. I also started to cut myself. The worst was when one of our friends had girls from another university visited, and Zack spent the whole night making out with her in front of me. I came home alone, trashed my room, and cut the shit out of my arm with a pair of scissors. Now, this is something that I would NEVER do sober. I only ever have vague recollections of doing these things, and most of the time I have absolutely no recollection. My mom saw the scars on my arm tonight (it’s only happened about 5 times, and not really that recent), and I made up some bullshit excuse about falling while playing basketball. They have no idea what I’m going through on the inside. None of my friends really do - they think that every time I cry it’s because of Zack. But, it goes deeper than that.

I just really don’t want to be gay anymore. Regardless of Zack, I feel like I’m missing out on so much. All my friends get drunk, hook up with people at parties/bars, have sex, etc...and as stupid as this sounds, I want to experience these things. They all go on dates, ask me for advice and all that, and I’ve never had an intimate moment with anyone. It makes me upset and angry that I don’t find women attractive, and I just want to be normal. I feel like if I wasn’t gay, I wouldn’t have these problems of constantly being attracted to one person who I can’t have and having my entire life revolve around them. I know this happens to straight people all the time, but at least there’s a chance the other person could like them back. Or they could work on the relationship. There’s no chance with me.

Now, Zack is going to study abroad in Australia next semester. This makes me feel really bad when I think about not seeing him for five months, but I’m sure it will be good for me. I hope.

I know this is really long, and I apologize, but these things have been pent up for a long time. They’ve gotten to the point where a few of my friends have suggested I seek professional help. I don’t want to, though, because I feel like I’m being so stupid with all of this. I don’t even like talking about it with my friends let alone a complete stranger.

Am I the only one who doesn’t like being gay and would prefer to be straight? I don’t see myself ever getting over this, and it’s really bringing me down.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

You are most definitely not alone in this.. There are times where it is just soo upsetting that experiences you mentioned are not simpler. I know some people on here will say that you can do all of these things you just need to get out and do it... and in some situations they might be right...

For example I am at a medium sized university in a medium sized town. I have met perhaps two gay people my whole time there. My roomates and I do all of the things you listed such as drinking and going out etc etc and they hook up lots and share that bond of finding a girl hot or not etc etc and sometimes I wish I could do that.. and some people will say go to a gay bar. But in my town there is only one and it is a very sketchy part of town and I have no one to go with. I am not in love with anyone let alone one of my straight roommates so I can not relate there.

I think you should go see a therapist, I am a firm believer that everyone can benefit from having someone devoted to listening to you that you can lean on to be impartial to your stuff...

I am not a therapist by any means but my suggestion to you would be to try to put off the being straight thing right off your mind, you can no become straight just like you cant change blue so there is no sense dwelling on it, maybe you should check to see if your university has a lgbt club or something and see if you can get involved or something.... Or make friends with a couple girls who you can talk to about stuff..

As for the being in love with your roommate I have no clue what to tell you. I worried about it when I moved in with four straight guys but I just tried to put them strictly in the friends category and never think of them in any other way and it has worked well for me. being that you are already in love with him I dont know what to tell you but if your friends know your in love with zack and upset about it then you have an amazing support system already.. maybe try opening up to one of them..

sorry for the long ramble I hope that something in there is useful...


p.s I no longer live in Toronto. I live in St Cats. lol

 

[Seasoned]

Listen to your friends. You need help that you and they can't provide for you. This all has gone far enough and you have had enough pain. Depression is very serious and needs to be treated.

No one picks their sexual orientation. I will raise my hand to the question you posed. I did not want to be gay. I tried not to be for many years. It has been said that for many coming out fully to one's self is the most difficult person to come out to.

It appears that coming out early to your enlightened peer group made you popular and you enjoyed that. You have other qualities that others appreciate or you would not have friends. Please be aware of that.

If your peer group is straight you won't likely find a sex partner at the end of an evening. It's time to branch out. Find the gays groups on campus. You need gay friends. If you were a diabetic I'd advise you to stay away from bakery windows. Straight social gatherings might be ok, but not if they lead to over drinking, drugs and cutting. Putting yourself in situations where you become dangerous to yourself and others doesn't have to be your response to being gay.

Imagining that things will never change is a symptom of depression. In fact, things are changing all the time. You are reacting to the changes that you don't like. The only person you can change is yourself. I know that it might seem impossible but it's not.

I'd like you to do two things as soon as you can. First, please call your school's health care services or your health care provider for an appointment with a therapist. Second, explore your school's gay scene. Find out what is available.

Do not pass judgement on yourself. You are at an age when many people see themselves isolated and alone even when with their friends. This needs to be treated because otherwise you set yourself up to become sadder as your peer group appears to be getting on with life. Your behavior may have already cost you some friends.

I'm so glad you wrote today. Now take the action you would recommend if a friend came to you with the same troubles.

I am wishing you well. PM me anytime.

 

[goterps]

Thanks for the advice guys. I feel as if I already knew what the answers and advice would be. The hardest part is me actually doing it.

I've had a few gay experiences on campus, and I even have a few gay friends. They're just not primarily the people that I spend most of my time with. Last year, I went on a few "dates" with a guy who messaged me on facebook. I hung out with his friends, and we even went to a gay club one night (no hooking up was involved, just drunken dancing). In the end, though, things were just really awkward and I wasn't that into him. I just really wanted to be so that I could get over Zack.

I'm actually moving in to an apartment with another gay guy in about two weeks for the next semester. I'm kind of scared though. It will be me, him, and two girls. I met him completely by chance...we both joined the professional (co-ed) business fraternity in the fall. When he first started coming out to people, I offered to talk since I had gone through a lot of what he's going through..albeit a lot sooner. He's just realizing he's gay and accepting it now that he's in college (took him a while because of his strict Muslim father). The first time we hung out we talked for like four hours, and I thought there was something there. I found him attractive, and we had very similar interests. He asked one of my friends if I was into him, though, and his response was that he's "not ready." Which, to me, means that he's not interested. I'm hoping living with him doesn't open up any more demons. I wasn't very emotionally invested, but it certainly hurt that the first gay guy I found attractive and liked wasn't interested back.

I'm taking an LGBT class next semester, so maybe I'll meet a few more gay guys. I'm just so nervous/scared when it comes to gay situations.

 

[BlondeCanadian]

I do not mean to be to forward. but you seem great. you seem to have things pretty well looked after, you just seem too hard on yourself. Him not being ready sounds more likely than him not being into you.. you are too hard on yourself

Just have a little faith..Things will work out, no need to stress.. Also if you want to chat pm or something

 

[KaraBulut]

Sometimes in these situations, it is hard to figure out which problem is the cause and which is the symptom.

The pattern that you're caught up in is going after guys that are unavailable. It's not unusual for young guys who are coming out to have crushes on their straight friends but this has happened a couple of times now, so it's not just a passing fancy. And now the pattern is extended to a gay guy who is coming out. And you seem to end up living with them. And it even though you rationally can see these behaviors aren't healthy, you seem unable to stop. And you end up torturing yourself mentally and physically.

And it all leads to "I don't want to be gay" and that starts a new round of the same old pattern.

So- as others have suggested- you do need to get counseling to break the cycle.

 

[goterps]

That's an interesting way of looking at it. Certainly makes sense. I appreciate all of the advice.

I'm really not wanting to have to get professional help, so I think I'll see how this new semester starts out with Zack not there. If I'm fine, hopefully I'll continue to get better. If the same things start to happen again, then I think I'll push myself to go talk to someone.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm really not wanting to have to get professional help, so I think I'll see how this new semester starts out with Zack not there. If I'm fine, hopefully I'll continue to get better. If the same things start to happen again, then I think I'll push myself to go talk to someone.

Well, there are two ways of attacking a pattern like this- you can address the crushes you get on unavailable guys or you can address how you feel about yourself and your sexuality.

Neither is easy.

Good therapy is what we're doing here- talking about things and helping you view things from a new perspective. However, what we can't do here is help you find a way to accomplish a change. Therapy doesn't fix you, it just helps you understand your behavior so that you can do something about it.

Am I the only one who doesn’t like being gay and would prefer to be straight?

So, if you're unable to get past this feeling, then find someone to talk to and to help you get past this feeling.

 

[aijalon18]

You need to get over your hangup of needing professional help. Really everyone could use professional help. We all have issues. But you need it if you cut yourself. It is very serious that is not something that will go away w/o being addressed. I implore you to get some help for that. Too many young gay people are hurting themselves and you don't need to be another one. Your friends are not equipped to help you. And you deserve help and deserve to be happy.