In new relationship but have a crush on my roommate

[Soccerboy25]

Hey guys, so I just moved to a new city less than a month ago and also just got into a relationship around the same time I moved to my new place. My relationship with my boyfriend was going really well until he got really drunk one night and met some of my friends. He was an angry drunk and became obnoxious. My friends instantly didn't like him and didn't like seeing me upset because my boyfriend was being an asshole to me. He ignored me that night when we went to a bar, and he was mad at me because I wouldn't give him any drinks. He also was dancing with an older gentleman and that really got to me. I was taken away from the situation and that night made me think about the whole relationship. When he's not drunk he's really sweet, and he did apologize immensely, however that night left a bad image in my head. He's only two years older than me and he did say he knows his problem with drinking and he misplaced his anger. Now I don't know if I should continue the relationship. I do kinda love him even though we've only known each other for a month and a half. However I don't want to deal with him being an angry drunk again. I'm giving him a second chance but things get complicated because I have a big crush on my roommate.

I met my roommate from playing on a gay softball league. We became good friends after a drunken night on the town. We both ended up wrestling each other that night and I remember him saying there was sexual tension and we almost kissed. After that night nothing happened but we still played around with each other when we went out. We would mess with each other, such as wrestling again or picking on each other. Now he's dating someone else and he told someone that he's not interested in me because I'm young. He's only a year older than me though. I found out he needed a roommate and someone knew I needed a new place so we became roommates. Since we became roommates I have been crushing on him a little more. Hes also very protective of me. When I had the dilemma with my boyfriend he took me out of the situation and went for a walk with me. He also texts me when he notices I'm down and checks to see if I'm alright. I guess we kind of have a brotherly bond. Another night we also exchanged underwear in the bathroom stall because I was gonna be in a underwear contest and I didn't have cute undies on. I think he likes me but since he's dating someone and were roommates I can't bring it up. I know it will ruin the bond we have. We hot it off really well as friends. I still think there's something between us but I think it might be best to leave it alone. He does ask me a lot about my boyfriend situation and if we became ex's. But he also talks a lot about his dates. What do you guys think about the situation? Should I keep things the way everything is or eventually change something. I know it's up to me, but I'm hoping to hear other people's viewpoint on the situation.

 

[Seasoned]

A drinking problem does not go away on its own or with an apology or a promise. Your boyfriend is either a heavy drinker or an alcoholic and if the latter cannot control his usage. Until he seeks help there is nothing that will stop him from drinking so be prepared for many repeats of the night you described.

As to your roommate, don't confuse that issue with your boyfriend issue. In other words, don't regard him as a back up.

My thoughts on your situation: break up with the boyfriend and just have some fun unattached, being careful of co-dependent tendencies.

 

[KaraBulut]

The situation with your boyfriend is much like when you catch a fish that is immature- you throw it back in the water so maybe it will grow up a bit.

When he's not drunk he's really sweet, and he did apologize immensely, however that night left a bad image in my head. He's only two years older than me and he did say he knows his problem with drinking and he misplaced his anger.

It's good that he knows he has a problem, however he hasn't reached a point in his life where what he loses because of his drinking outweighs the great highs that come with addiction issues. Losing a relationship and losing friends doesn't seem to be enough for him to get help. He's got much more to lose before he stops drinking.

Throw him back in the water and let him grow-up a little. You're better off single than being in a relationship with someone who drinks too much, treats you badly and embarrasses you in front of your friends.

I think he likes me but since he's dating someone and were roommates I can't bring it up. I know it will ruin the bond we have. We hot it off really well as friends. I still think there's something between us but I think it might be best to leave it alone.

You would be right.

Gay men- even when they're friends- often have a sexual attraction/tension between them. The mature guys decide whether the friendship is more important. Too often, the sexual attraction doesn't last. True friends are friends for life.

 

[Newmercedes]

A drinking problem does not go away on its own or with an apology or a promise. Your boyfriend is either a heavy drinker or an alcoholic and if the latter cannot control his usage. Until he seeks help there is nothing that will stop him from drinking so be prepared for many repeats of the night you described.

As to your roommate, don't confuse that issue with your boyfriend issue. In other words, don't regard him as a back up.

My thoughts on your situation: break up with the boyfriend and just have some fun unattached, being careful of co-dependent tendencies.

Always Listen to Mister Seasoned because He always gives you the Best Advices....

 

[Soccerboy25]

Thanks guys . Much appreciated!!

 

[Soccerboy25]

I keep on dreaming about my roommate, which is probably bad considering I have a boyfriend. However I haven't seen my boyfriend in over a week and things might end soon. He's too sarcastic for me

 

[TX-Beau]

You don't have a boyfriend, you have a patient. I know this is harsh, but there is no future with a substance abuser. You don't have to throw them out, but don't ever forget that you'll never be their priority.

Every substance abuser has apologized to friends and family a thousand times, and will apologize again after every incident, but they will never stop. Not until they get there on their own, and you will never ever ever fix a single one of them, you won't be their savior, you won't be their inspiration - at best you will be their nurse, while they drag you through the midden with them.

Be his friend, don't be anything else.

 

[mcbrion]

Every single post on this thread is psychologically sound.

Please keep in mind that there is a difference between a "relationship" and a 'RELATIONSHIP.'' When you start dating someone, just because you like them (or more likely are hot for them) doesn't make it a relationship: you are dating. You have a relationship in the same way that you make friends: slowly, with each experience with them telling you whether you want to hang more or not. But in dating, guys say they're in a relationship when they don't even know the person's character (good, questionable, or downright bad) or if they should even BE dating this person. It's common when you're young (and by young, I mean up to 35), so think of this all as a learning experience. But TX-Beau knows of which he speaks, as does Seasoned and Kara: a substance abuser is in a relationship with his substance, not you. You will always come in last place. Always. Always.