The_Reaper
Minister of Silly Walks
For the last few years, I have been in an open poly relationship. Recently, though, things have come to a bit of a head with one of my partners and I am in desperate need of some advice.
L and I have been together for 4 years - and he is my 'secondary' partner in relationship to my husband. L is a world traveler, so he often is not in the same community as us for most of the year. Which means, when he visits, he places quite an emphasis on our time spent together - sometimes in a way that rankles the feathers of my other partners, who feel that they are restricted from seeing me when L is in town. The issue, however, is the heavy emphasis that L places on physicality and sex in particular when visiting. If it were up to him, no doubt, we'd have sex each day - if not twice a day - during the times that he is visiting. But in recent years, my libido has ebbed and flowed, so that isn't always reasonable. I have, to the best of my ability, engaged when feeling up for it...I've even done my best to engage when I really didn't want to at all. (For clarity: My low points for libido stem more around a general uneasiness with being touched, especially sexually, at times. I think it's tied to depressive cycles I experience, but it can sometimes come on quite heavily.)
L knows this, we've discussed it, and we've done our best to try and reach a happy medium when he visits. But, as noted, things kind of came to a head in his most recent visit. We had had sex on Tuesday evening, followed by a night of abstention on the Wednesday. On Thursday, we went to bed without sex. Later that night, I awoke to L reaching for my dick. He had done this sort of thing before, both while asleep himself and awake or drunk, usually turning to my side or pushing his hand away stops the behaviour. This time, however, it did not. He continued to push, quite literally, rolling me onto my back and pulled down my boxers. He then got up on top of me, placing himself on top of me. At this point, I kind of resigned myself and figured if I just jerked him off, that would be enough.
However, he proceeded to slide up my chest and began to push his dick towards my mouth - demanding that I suck it. Two attempts were made to shove his dick into my closed mouth, with another verbal command, followed by me saying no. He slid down at this, but continued to stay on top of me. There was a noticeable shift in the room, which I used to say that I would jerk him off but that he should NEVER initiate sex like this again. At that point, he seemed to snap back to the reality of the situation. He apologized, got off of me, and then we went to sleep.
We spoke about the situation in the morning - and he did realize he had crossed the line. He stated that he did feel like he didn't deserve another chance from me, and that maybe the best thing would be for him to break up with me. I advised him to take a moment to consider that before we made any decisions and we continued to talk for a few hours. By the end of the talk, he agreed that he needed to speak to a sex therapist regarding his emphasis on sex. I told him not to expect any more sexual encounters for the rest of his visit, but that I could change my mind on his last night in town. For the most part, things proceeded fairly well from there.
After a few days of no sexual intimacy, we went out for an evening and had some drinks. It was during this evening, that he made 3 separate attempts to jerk me off while I was sleeping. I confronted him about it in the morning, and he claimed to have no memory of it. In his defence, he was quite drunk - so much so that he did have issue remembering events from the evening before we'd gotten home. I do believe he was asleep/not aware when he made these three attempts.
His last night in town came and went and much to his chagrin - as he had expressed twice before the last day that he was hopeful we would have sex before he left - we went to bed with a talk instead of sex. I explained that in my point of view, the best way to start reframing his importance on sex was not have it with me before he left. I also felt, personally, that if I did engage it would be a way of 'rewarding' the behaviour - or suggesting that I had resolved how I fully felt about it before that was the case.
He's now gone for quite a few months, and we'll talk online and things like that, but now I do still find myself wondering where I fall on what's happened. Part of me does know that I perhaps should have gotten angry after the event - cursed, yelled, threw him out, broke up with him. Another part of me knows that that's not quite how I react. I do still enjoy spending time with him - and still have an attraction to him - but now the low times when insecurities and disagreements overshadow that seem much higher than before. I also know that my pull for physical intimacy still seems coloured by what happened - do I want to be physical with him again because I want to, or because he expects me to?
I guess I just am still trying to sort out my feelings - and how I should be responding to this. Outside of this incident, we have had our fair share of ups and downs and disagreements - and he's had his own frictions with my other partners and some of my friends - and I just don't know where I fall on it anymore. So, any advice or further ways I can reflect and sort out my feelings is appreciated.
L and I have been together for 4 years - and he is my 'secondary' partner in relationship to my husband. L is a world traveler, so he often is not in the same community as us for most of the year. Which means, when he visits, he places quite an emphasis on our time spent together - sometimes in a way that rankles the feathers of my other partners, who feel that they are restricted from seeing me when L is in town. The issue, however, is the heavy emphasis that L places on physicality and sex in particular when visiting. If it were up to him, no doubt, we'd have sex each day - if not twice a day - during the times that he is visiting. But in recent years, my libido has ebbed and flowed, so that isn't always reasonable. I have, to the best of my ability, engaged when feeling up for it...I've even done my best to engage when I really didn't want to at all. (For clarity: My low points for libido stem more around a general uneasiness with being touched, especially sexually, at times. I think it's tied to depressive cycles I experience, but it can sometimes come on quite heavily.)
L knows this, we've discussed it, and we've done our best to try and reach a happy medium when he visits. But, as noted, things kind of came to a head in his most recent visit. We had had sex on Tuesday evening, followed by a night of abstention on the Wednesday. On Thursday, we went to bed without sex. Later that night, I awoke to L reaching for my dick. He had done this sort of thing before, both while asleep himself and awake or drunk, usually turning to my side or pushing his hand away stops the behaviour. This time, however, it did not. He continued to push, quite literally, rolling me onto my back and pulled down my boxers. He then got up on top of me, placing himself on top of me. At this point, I kind of resigned myself and figured if I just jerked him off, that would be enough.
However, he proceeded to slide up my chest and began to push his dick towards my mouth - demanding that I suck it. Two attempts were made to shove his dick into my closed mouth, with another verbal command, followed by me saying no. He slid down at this, but continued to stay on top of me. There was a noticeable shift in the room, which I used to say that I would jerk him off but that he should NEVER initiate sex like this again. At that point, he seemed to snap back to the reality of the situation. He apologized, got off of me, and then we went to sleep.
We spoke about the situation in the morning - and he did realize he had crossed the line. He stated that he did feel like he didn't deserve another chance from me, and that maybe the best thing would be for him to break up with me. I advised him to take a moment to consider that before we made any decisions and we continued to talk for a few hours. By the end of the talk, he agreed that he needed to speak to a sex therapist regarding his emphasis on sex. I told him not to expect any more sexual encounters for the rest of his visit, but that I could change my mind on his last night in town. For the most part, things proceeded fairly well from there.
After a few days of no sexual intimacy, we went out for an evening and had some drinks. It was during this evening, that he made 3 separate attempts to jerk me off while I was sleeping. I confronted him about it in the morning, and he claimed to have no memory of it. In his defence, he was quite drunk - so much so that he did have issue remembering events from the evening before we'd gotten home. I do believe he was asleep/not aware when he made these three attempts.
His last night in town came and went and much to his chagrin - as he had expressed twice before the last day that he was hopeful we would have sex before he left - we went to bed with a talk instead of sex. I explained that in my point of view, the best way to start reframing his importance on sex was not have it with me before he left. I also felt, personally, that if I did engage it would be a way of 'rewarding' the behaviour - or suggesting that I had resolved how I fully felt about it before that was the case.
He's now gone for quite a few months, and we'll talk online and things like that, but now I do still find myself wondering where I fall on what's happened. Part of me does know that I perhaps should have gotten angry after the event - cursed, yelled, threw him out, broke up with him. Another part of me knows that that's not quite how I react. I do still enjoy spending time with him - and still have an attraction to him - but now the low times when insecurities and disagreements overshadow that seem much higher than before. I also know that my pull for physical intimacy still seems coloured by what happened - do I want to be physical with him again because I want to, or because he expects me to?
I guess I just am still trying to sort out my feelings - and how I should be responding to this. Outside of this incident, we have had our fair share of ups and downs and disagreements - and he's had his own frictions with my other partners and some of my friends - and I just don't know where I fall on it anymore. So, any advice or further ways I can reflect and sort out my feelings is appreciated.