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inexperienced guy needs advice

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Briguy005

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I have a situation that I am hoping you guys can help me out with.

I should mention to start off, I'm 24, not out but starting the whole process. I'm in grad school and while home last week while on break, I went on a date with a 33 year old guy who is in the military and stationed on the West Coast (he was visiting family on the East Coast). We had a great date and hit it off. The kiss at the end of the night was perfect. He left the next day to go back home, as did I (I only live 5 hours away from home). Anyway -- to make a long story short, we decided to meet up again before Christmas and he is going to come stay with me for a few days before going on to spend time with his family for Christmas. I'm really excited to see him. He is a nice guy -- we've been speaking nonstop since we've met. We haven't talked about sex or anything though but we talked about past relationships, etc.

With not being out, I haven't had much experience. Not to say I am a total prude, but I have my limits. What is the best way to communicate this to someone who is more experienced? I don't want to sound like a total nerd...but I like this guy and don't want his visit here to be just a "hook up." I don't think he has intentions of it being such, but I still want to communicate that just for my own good without being too blunt about it.

I guess I should be more honest and say that I am not against having sex, but I haven't gone that far with anyone yet and need to take things slow. I know I could probably answer my own question but would like some advice from people who may have been in the situation before. How do I go about this?
 
Plan activities for both of you to do during the visit. If the plan is to go out and eat, tell him what restaurant or get his input on where to eat. Then tell him, "I am not against having sex, but I haven't gone that far with anyone yet and need to take things slow." You can also add that you love making out.
 
What do you mean you have your limits??

It's perfectly normal to be nervous about your first time, but you really seem...well, limiting.

Why not just see what happens? Just tell him you want to take it slow. He must know that, anyway, since you didn't have sex the first time.

Relax. It's only sex. (*8*) :kiss:
 
Briguy005 said:
With not being out, I haven't had much experience. Not to say I am a total prude, but I have my limits. What is the best way to communicate this to someone who is more experienced? I don't want to sound like a total nerd...but I like this guy and don't want his visit here to be just a "hook up." I don't think he has intentions of it being such, but I still want to communicate that just for my own good without being too blunt about it.
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Honesty is always the best policy.

"I'm really excited to spend time with you in December over the holidays.

But I have to be honest that I'm not very experienced and because I've been in the closet, this is all very new to me. Things are complicated because we live on different coasts and you're in the military, but I don't consider you a fling or a casual hookup. That's not what I'm looking for. "

And don't be afraid to have a talk about where he's going to sleep.

With that said, I suspect this thing will work out. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
 
Lube said:
Relax. It's only sex. (*8*) :kiss:
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What do you mean by "It's only sex?"

There are good sex, rough sex, bad sex, don't call my wife sex, office sex, porno sex, don't call me at all after sex sex, underprssure to ejaculate before he falls asleep on me sex, and here's my credit card sex. What's a young man to do? :lol:
 
I agree with the others that you should tell him how you feel, but of course, in a very polite and sincere way.

I wouldn't tell him right at the first minute you see him. Wait and let the day of activities progress. As the night approaches, and you feel sexual pressure just let him know. :)

Just out of curiosity, I how did you meet him while you were still in the closet? I've found it so hard to meet a decent guy while not being out, so I'm glad you've at least met a nice guy.
 
lostnfound said:
I agree with the others that you should tell him how you feel, but of course, in a very polite and sincere way.

I wouldn't tell him right at the first minute you see him. Wait and let the day of activities progress. As the night approaches, and you feel sexual pressure just let him know. :)

Just out of curiosity, I how did you meet him while you were still in the closet? I've found it so hard to meet a decent guy while not being out, so I'm glad you've at least met a nice guy.
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Not proud of it (lol), but I downloaded a certain app on my phone shortly before going home and was checking it out while I was there. He messaged me and we started talking. We texted for a few days then met for coffee.
 
Just tell him what you told us and do it now before he comes for a visit, don't wait for his arrival. It's good for each of you to know where the other stands before then.

To Lube: to lots of people it is not "just sex".
 
sixthson said:
Just tell him what you told us and do it now before he comes for a visit, don't wait for his arrival. It's good for each of you to know where the other stands before then.

To Lube: to lots of people it is not "just sex".
Click to expand...

But he's already found a halfway decent guy. It's not a hookup, we know that already (they didn't have sex the first time).

So my thinking is, it's just a matter of consummating what's already developing.

A 24 year old should be able to handle that. At this point, it's just sex. It's nothing to be feared.

I fear for guys who wait 5, 10 years for sex, thinking it'll be this perfect, transformative event. Memorable, yes. But worth waiting half a decade for?
 
Lube said:
What do you mean you have your limits??

It's perfectly normal to be nervous about your first time, but you really seem...well, limiting. h
pp
Why not just see what happens? Just tell him you want to take it slow. He must know that, anyway, since you didn't have sex the first time.

Relax. It's only sex. (*8*) :kiss:
Click to expand...

what a stupid commeent to make to a young man who has had no previous serious sexual experience with another man and who happens to be more then ten years older then him.

the young man is probably somewhat immature emotionally and also dealing with a lot of sensitivel feelings over this matter. he probably should inform the other fellow of his situation sexually, so that he in no way puts pressure on him as well as himself.

i hope things go well for both of you(*8*)

eM.](*,)
 
Briguy005 said:
We haven't talked about sex or anything though but we talked about past relationships, etc.
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So you've had previous relationships with women?

Briguy005 said:
I guess I should be more honest and say that I am not against having sex, but I haven't gone that far with anyone yet and need to take things slow. I know I could probably answer my own question but would like some advice from people who may have been in the situation before. How do I go about this?
Click to expand...

I would tell him what you wrote here.

HunterM said:
Plan activities for both of you to do during the visit. If the plan is to go out and eat, tell him what restaurant or get his input on where to eat. Then tell him, "I am not against having sex, but I haven't gone that far with anyone yet and need to take things slow." You can also add that you love making out.
Click to expand...

I think that's great advice.

Lube said:
But he's already found a halfway decent guy. It's not a hookup, we know that already (they didn't have sex the first time).

So my thinking is, it's just a matter of consummating what's already developing.

A 24 year old should be able to handle that. At this point, it's just sex. It's nothing to be feared.

I fear for guys who wait 5, 10 years for sex, thinking it'll be this perfect, transformative event. Memorable, yes. But worth waiting half a decade for?
Click to expand...

I think Lube has a point here. I wouldn't wait 5 or 10 years for sex. However, I would make sure that I was with someone I liked and enjoyed spending time with for my first time.
 
Croynan said:

what a stupid commeent to make to a young man who has had no previous serious sexual experience with another man and who happens to be more then ten years older then him.

the young man is probably somewhat immature emotionally and also dealing with a lot of sensitivel feelings over this matter. he probably should inform the other fellow of his situation sexually, so that he in no way puts pressure on him as well as himself.

i hope things go well for both of you(*8*)

eM.](*,)
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So you think the guy who met him in person and who didn't pressure him for sex on the first date hasn't figured this out already? :confused:
 
He is NOT going to wait 5 or 10 years. He likes the guy and wants it to be more than just a hookup. Since he is inexperienced, he wants to move slowly, which is not unreasonable. If they have a connection, which is sounds like they do, it will happen sooner, rather than later.
 
Lube said:
So you think the guy who met him in person and who didn't pressure him for sex on the first date hasn't figured this out already? :confused:
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i never thought of that, you can read minds and know already what the young sailor is thinking about. what an amazing accomplishment.

eM:wave:
 
Let's bring this back to the original poster's question.

I like the phrasing KaraBulut came up with--it's perfect for this situation. It's respectful to him, and to you.

These things can be tricky because there's no set way to handle them, and there's no perfect script (although KB's comes as close as one can, I think). Sometimes, you just have to play it by ear. If you tell him your uncertainties, how does he react? In some way, that's a test of his character.

At the same time, what do you want to happen, either in the short term, or eventually? At what point would you go further with him and take it to another level of intimacy? I'm not asking that for an answer as much as I am for you to be clear to yourself on this.

Good luck. I hope you have a great visit--let us know what happens!
 
Thanks for the input so far guys.

He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would pressure me or rush into anything, but then again he is coming to spend a few days with me so that's why I question if there is an expectation. Realistically speaking, apart from how well I know him thus far, I would think there would be an expectation of a certain level of intimacy.

We've talked for a considerable amount of time so far, and he hasn't brought it up, so that leads me to think that sex isn't his primary objective in coming here. Who knows though. He seems relationship-inclined. As for my expectations, I really couldn't tell you. Right now I'm just going with the flow and trying not to make any life plans after only knowing the guy for a week and a half (lol -- whats that joke about gays bringing a U-Haul to the second date?) I don't graduate until 2013 and he's in the service for another few years.

I think I am going to have a discussion with him in the next few days and basically ask him what his bottom line is. I like him, we click well, and he's a decent guy. I've never been big on relationships -- I just started the dating thing recently. I feel something for him that I haven't felt before though, so thats why I'm putting this level of thought in.

Its important for me to take things slow and not rush into anything. Hopefully he understands that, if not then oh well. Contrary to what some of you guys might think, I'm not too apprehensive about it, I'd just like move at my own pace...and I need a way of communicating that since I'm new to this.

Thanks again for the help. I'd be happy to share anything else you want to know :)
 
Oh, my. How exciting for you. The start of a new relationship.

I agree with most of what is posted here with the exception that sex is just sex. In my opinion, having this kind of attitude can get gay men fucked in the head. So, my advise is to be honest with him and you. Know your limits and communicate them early.

Good luck!
 
Just wanted to give you guys an update--

I spoke with him last night about him coming, and basically told him what was suggested. He said that he figured and has no problem with taking it slow and that there is no pressure. Big relief!

Thanks again for the advice guys. He flies in on Saturday, I can't wait to see him.
 
:=D:
HunterM said:
What do you mean by "It's only sex?"

There are good sex, rough sex, bad sex, don't call my wife sex, office sex, porno sex, don't call me at all after sex sex, underprssure to ejaculate before he falls asleep on me sex, and here's my credit card sex. What's a young man to do? :lol:
Click to expand...

Hunter, you crack me up, man! I love the sense of humor in your posts.:=D:
 
Briguy005 said:
Thanks again for the advice guys. He flies in on Saturday, I can't wait to see him.
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And don't forget to tell us how it goes. Good luck!
 
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