Insecurity/anxiety and my relationship

[hollywooder18]

So to give you all a quick background, my boyfriend and I have been together about 7 months. Met on CraigsList, fell for each other fast, moved in together after about 3 months. We are still living together today, which is great because it is very enjoyable and we have a good time together. Here's where the issue comes in. My boyfriend and I met in my hometown, very small, because he had been working there and that's where we now have our apartment. He also has an apartment in New York City and since we've met and started living together, he's been spending less and less time in the city. Now that his job here in my hometown is slowing down, he has to start spending 2-3 nights in the city and while I know it needs to be done for the good of our relationship, his well-being, and his career, I have a very big issue with being insecure and I constantly let my anxiety create scenarios in my head, bad scenarios. I have been in therapy for about a month and am currently waiting to be prescribed something to help the anxiety, but as of right now I am not on anything.

I have the obvious fear of cheating. It's not that I don't trust my boyfriend, at least I think I do. But some things have just made me wary. He had me check an email for him about two week ago and while checking it I saw an email with a ManHunt 30 day membership confirmation that had been purchased. This obviously was not what I wanted to see. I thought of confronting him but I figured it would be a bad idea because I don't want him thinking I was purposely snooping.

My boyfriend has always been clear about cheating, if he ever got the urge to be with someone else, he would end things with me first. This mindset has usually kept me at peace, but I am still letting my mind go nuts

My boyfriend has a very deep history with men. He has never been in love or in a long-term relationship before me, he fell in love with his best friend when he first was coming to terms with himself, but he has been with at least 100 guys sexually, so while I love the fact that I'm his first sincere, loving commitment, I still need some advice on how to calm myself. He is a very good boyfriend, very caring and very loving, a real sweetheart. But he is also very attractive and very confident, which are not bad things at all. We have so many plans for our future (near and distant) so I often use the thought of "If he's putting so much effort into making us a great couple, letting me meet his family and friends and living together, etc, then why should I be worrying he's fooling around?".

Any comments/suggestions would be greats

 

[Seasoned]

Tell him that you're scared and tell him what you found. Ask yourself if you have general anxiety or mainly anxiety surrounding your relationship. I wouldn't medicate myself if it's only the relationship.

 

[jaysizzles]

I can understand why you get insecure. 2-3 nights away each week, in NYC, and with his past number of sexual partners...typically all red flags, but if he's a decent guy that is genuinely committed to you, then there really should be no issue with trust. None of those are automatically a sign of him being a cheater. The Manhunt confirmation email...now that's a major red flag. I have no idea whether or not he's playing you, most likely not, but you don't seem like you'll be secure until you hear an explanation from him on it. Pick an opportune time when you can calmly bring this up, because it is troubling you...try not to have an accusatory tone. He already knows that you have anxiety and insecurities, and that you need extra assurances at times....he has accepted that about you. I've a feeling he'll put your fears to rest.

I kind of hate to bring this up but I do have a few questions...do you have a key to the place in NYC, do you go there occasionally, and can you show up at will unannounced or on your own? If he's secretive about it and it's considered HIS place, I'd be concerned...if it's considered both your places, I'd be a lot more trusting/secure.

 

[swerve]

It could have just been a junk email OFFERING him a 30 day trial -- I wouldn't read much into...

My partner and I are apart more than we are together -- however, we talk all the time on the phone, and there is no reason for either of us to stress out about each other...

Maybe that is due to our age or something -- not sure...

It sounds like you have a GREAT relationship other than your unfounded fears...

 

[dhchitown1984]

As someone who is always dealing with my insecurities and anxieties in my relationship, (mostly self-induced because I'm a habitual over-analyzer...) you HAVE to, I repeat HAVE to, bring this up. It's incredibly important so YOU don't go crazy, and maybe you're the type of person who needs to, in a mature and respectful way, make the rules/expectations/boundaries clear.

My boyfriend is a BIG flirt. With everyone when we go out. I literally had to sit him down and say "When you do XYZ, it is flirting. That makes me uncomfortable. If you do ABC, it will probably settle me back down." And sometimes, ABC worked, sometimes it wouldn't.. but I made it clear when ABC was or wasn't working. It's important to remember that in a relationship, you should never ask your partner to change who he is to make you OK... rather, it's about A) deciding if your partner's actions are deal-breaker for you, and assuming they are not, B) learning how to let each other be their own person while being supportive and understanding of how their actions affect the other.

I do believe the others bring up very valid points... your ability to have the unexpected drop in is somewhat important - I can't quite see why you can't be privileged to an open-door policy at the NYC home.

All in all, communicate. Then communicate some more. Find a method of communication that works for you, and run with it. Being able to communicate will help you be confident in the relationship. That is crucial.

 

[loveguys72]

Communication is the key. If you can't talk to each other about your feelings and the state of your relationship in general, you don't have much of a relationship to worry over IMO.

 

[hollywooder18]

Thanks for all the replies everybody, the suggestions have been great and honestly, reading your posts and writing on here makes me feel better.

I do have a key to the NYC apartment, but a casual "drop-in" isn't really an option, a drive from where we live to NYC is about 5 hours and when we/he goes into the city, it's either on a bus for four hours or a train for three. Believe me, I've thought of the casual drop-in option, but the distant/time is just too far and if I went that far to do so, I am pretty sure he wouldn't be the happiest person considering he's only gone two nights.

The whole "confronting him about the email" thing is a little troubling for me. While he did ask me to check his email for him, I still don't feel like what I did was right. After I had given him the information he needed, I casually eyed over the rest of them and saw ManHunt Billing, and I opened it. This is what is really making me nervous.

He is leaving today, I'll be dropping him off at the bus station this afternoon and then picking him up at the train station on Friday afternoon. I am very scared that my anxiety is going to kick in tomorrow. Not too worried about tonight because I know he'll be on a bus and not in the city until at least 10 pm, and with early meetings tomorrow I am sure nothing will happen tonight. Tomorrow is going to kill me I think..

Thanks for the help guys, keep the replies coming if there's anything left to say. Hoping for the best here

 

[loveguys72]

I'm hoping for the best for you two as well. But, you still need to talk to him about this. Secrets are not good for a relationship.

 

[Seasoned]

It's not healthy worrying about your bf while he's away. It will make you unable to sleep and miserable. I've had nights, now a long time ago, of floor pacing and hand wringing. No matter what you will be ok if you learn how to take care of yourself. Please talk to him. What happens to you when you call or text and you get no reply?

If you're unable to manage this do see a therapist.