Intentionally Seeking a Confrontation just to get Closure?

[lurker]

Hey guys, I have a bit of a dilemma. Before I get to that, though, here's some back story to help you guys understand the context:

I am 24 years old, just to be clear. Last year, I came out to my closest friends, but not my family. One of them was another gay guy I had a crush on. At the same time that I came out to him, I also told him I had a crush on him, that I liked him, and asked him out on a date. He didn't know i was "gay" and was a bit surprised to hear my confession. He ended up turning me down respectfully, and we both agreed that we didn't want our friendship to turn awkward.

However, I couldn't handle the heartbreak from the rejection. Every time I saw him, I couldn't look him in the eye. I ended up being the immature one and ignored him at every social gathering I saw him at, disrespected him by not even acknowledging him at all, and it got to a boiling point where I even went to a party AT HIS OWN HOUSE and did not even say hi to him or thank him for even inviting me there. I was the ultimate disrespectful jerk to him, and I was told by a mutual friend that me not acknowledging him at his own house really, really pissed him off and hurt him. But in response to that, I felt like because I was so hurt by the rejection, I had every right to be passive-aggressive about it and hurt his feelings. Obviously I'm wrong about that, when I think about it now

Eventually the disrespect kept going on for about 3 months…and it reached a critical point. He confronted me and told me he had enough of me "talking about him behind his back", saying I betrayed his trust, and that I killed our friendship solely because of my actions. He last words to me were "I'll still be civil with you." At that confrontation, I apologized profusely and tried to explain to him that I always wanted to talk to him about our situation, but that he never gave me a chance. Every single time I approached him to talk about things, he said he was "too busy" with either school or other social obligations.

But that "I'll still be civil with you" line didn't come true because he eventually just simply ignored me as well. I went up to him one day while hanging out with some mutual friends just to say hi to him, and he just stood there and gave me a death stare without acknowledging my presence. I felt like total shit.

Eventually the situation got so bad that I cut ties with most of our mutual friends by going "MIA" and simply not hanging out with any of them anymore. I just didn't wanna see this guy anymore because I was so scared of him, scared of his anger at me, even though I know his anger at me is justified...

Now fast forward 1 year later. Because of all of this personal drama that I got myself involved in, I used all of that hurt and motivation to lose 60 lbs. I didn't want to be that rude, disrespectful jerk anymore, so I started exercising in the beginning of 2012. What really motivated all of that was Kelly Clarkson's song "Stronger"… it's embarrassing to say this, but that song kind-of became my anthem and motivated me to start losing weight. That motivation snowballed into 60 lbs of weight lost and I feel fantastic.

Now here's the issue with this topic. Tomorrow on December 8th, one of my closest friends (one that I still talk to) is throwing a graduation party. And here's what I'm nervous about: I'm 50% sure that my former crush is going to be there. Along with that same group of mutual friends I avoided for almost a year.

I have the crazy idea of attending the event. What are my reasons? Here they are:

1. I want to find my former crush and just talk to him just so I can find closure. I'm not even sure if he's even going to show up so I'm taking a gamble here. I want to go up to him, ask him if he has a minute to spare, and just basically tell him that I wanted to "thank him" for everything that happened between us for the last year because all of the hurt I felt.

Other than that,I honestly don't know what else to say to him… I only want to do this because we didn't end things on a good note, and what I ultimately want is some kind of closure to all of this. I'm not asking for his forgiveness anymore since I honestly don't believe he'll give me that. I just want to tell him some words of "finality" so that I can finally get him out of my mind.

Is seeking this kind of confrontation going to be detrimental for me? Because seriously, I tried to "move on" on my own for the past year -- seeing other guys, etc -- but he's still on my mind. I feel like I need to see him again in person one more time just so I can get closure and move on, finally. Is that so wrong?

2. I want to go because I lost a lot of weight and I want to see the reactions of some of my former friends, who only knew me when I was obese. I want to see if they'll treat me differently. I've never been this skinny before in my life, so yeah, this is really a vain, shallow reason for my pride, but it's definitely one of the reasons why I want to go.

Other than those two reasons, I really don't know what to expect when I go. I'm really scared and nervous about tomorrow.

So the question is, should I go and seek this confrontation with my old crush so I can get closure and move on?

 

[medic1]

Why do you call it a confrotation ? , When what you need and want is a civil discussion , Congrats on the weight loss , though try
not to be to smug about it if you do decide to go .

Hope if you do decide to go it works out for you........ .

 

[lurker]

Thank you for your reply! I call it a confrontation because I expect the worst to happen... I think he'll blatantly refuse to talk to me and I'll have to make a scene just so he can talk to me. Maybe there will be some yelling, but I really don't want that to happen.

My best friend is telling me to try as hard as I can to be civil about approaching him. This is really going to be the hardest part for me because I haven't seen him in over a year and I don't know if I'll be angry, scared, or whatever, when I see him again.

And thanks, I know I probably sound super smug about my weight loss so I apologize, lol.

 

[Seasoned]

I'd say a party is not the time or place to bring one's agenda. If you can attend as a tribute to the graduate then do so. If you have to confront your crush and former friends I think you ought not attend. If it's possible for you to see the guy and ask if he'd be willing to talk at some other place and time then go to the party, being prepared to leave immediately and quietly should things not go as planned.

I disagree with your notion of forgiveness. You seem to equate it with an apology. It's not. An apology is an admittance of having done something wrong, nothing more. If its genuine it should serve as closure. You can't force forgiveness and it's not necessary if your apology means you'd be unlikely to repeat the offending behavior. That's what serves as closure.

None of this is appropriate at a party.

Congratulations on your weight loss. Use it as a positive force in your life otherwise you're likely to act in ways that don't make you proud and make it easy to put the weight back on. Stay positive and let that be your guide when deciding what or what not to do. Good luck.

 

[lurker]

I'd say a party is not the time or place to bring one's agenda. If you can attend as a tribute to the graduate then do so. If you have to confront your crush and former friends I think you ought not attend. If it's possible for you to see the guy and ask if he'd be willing to talk at some other place and time then go to the party, being prepared to leave immediately and quietly should things not go as planned.

I completely agree because the absolute last thing I want to do is cause a scene and distract from the whole reason why everyone is there, which is for my friend's graduation. I don't want to disrespect my friend.

However I feel like this is my last chance to get closure. And in order to get that closure I feel like I have to tell him how I feel, whether he wants to hear it or not.

I disagree with your notion of forgiveness. You seem to equate it with an apology. It's not. An apology is an admittance of having done something wrong, nothing more. If its genuine it should serve as closure. You can't force forgiveness and it's not necessary if your apology means you'd be unlikely to repeat the offending behavior. That's what serves as closure.

This makes sense, but I'm actually not seeking to apologize to him nor am I looking for any apologies or forgiveness from him either. I have fully accepted the possibility that it simply will not happen. My goal is to say my piece, tell him how I feel, and then... see how he reacts.

The closure I seek is to have the satisfaction of finally telling him how I feel because we never actually talked and had a real discussion about what happened.

Congratulations on your weight loss. Use it as a positive force in your life otherwise you're likely to act in ways that don't make you proud and make it easy to put the weight back on. Stay positive and let that be your guide when deciding what or what not to do. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

[MindBlast]

The whole thing sounds absolutely absurd to me. That's not how adults should behave. That's how junior high students behave.

I suggest if you decide to go, you be calm, civil, and apologize. If you're not looking to admit that to him, then you shouldn't even go. Disputes are best handled through diplomacy and conversation that's got all emotions repressed as much as possible, only discussing the facts. Drama for its own sake isn't going to help you.

That's my opinion, you can take it or leave it. I'm only 4 years older than you though, so I still hang out with people your age, and none of them behave in that kind of extreme manner.

 

[Georgiadude]

if it were your graduation would you want people bringing year old personal drama to your party? If you think there's going to be trouble, be the better person and dont go or keep your distance. Save the drama for a different time. Frankly I think your behavior was childish. I understand you had feelings for him but you ruined a friendship by acting the way you did. He still wanted to remain friends but you were mean and rude to him. He put up with your shenanigans a hell of a lot longer than I would have.

Steven.

 

[lurker]

Just wanted to update. I just got out of the party.

Long story short, I got my closure. Everything was civil.

I'll edit this post later when I wake up tomorrow morning.

 

[lurker]

Apparently I can't edit my last post anymore, so I apologize for this double post. But to make the long story short: I went to the party. We saw each other there. He actually approached me first.

And then he introduced me to his boyfriend.

... at that point, in my head, I just couldn't be mad at him anymore. I was never in a relationship with this guy to begin with! So I thought that if he could move on with his life, why couldn't I? I simply felt like I didn't need to have that "big talk" with him anymore because I didn't want to give life to an old grudge. So, I finally let that grudge go.

We all talked for a bit. It was completely civil, as if we were still friends. He complimented me on my weight loss, I asked how he was, etc. Then he left the party with his boyfriend.

And that was all the closure I needed. Seeing him one last time, I finally learned to accept the fact that, yes, I was a horrible to him and ruined a good friendship because of my immaturity, but that shouldn't stop me or him from moving on with our lives. All I can do now is learn to not be such a jerk like that again in the future. I can't believe I let this affect me for over a year!!

 

[medic1]

Kudos to you my friend................... .

I bet you feel a lot better now , and i think you did the right thing , both for YOURSELF and for "who" was in your mind
a sort of Nemisis .

Again , well done .