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Intercultural relationships?

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saymyname

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Have you ever dated someone that doesn't speak the same first language as you do?

I'm studying abroad, so almost everyone I've dated speaks French first and English either totally fluent, or somewhat fluently as a second language. Right now, my boyfriend could probably be considered fluent, but not perfect (minor grammar errors, perhaps trouble expressing complex thoughts, but I'm not sure because I wouldn't know what it feels like to speak in a second language other than minor phrases).

I'm wondering if anyone else has experience with this. It's just that sometimes I feel bad because he has to put more mental effort into communication than I do, and that's not fair. I can't learn French right away because of school. But obviously his English is good enough that our relationship is great, it's never been a problem really. But I still feel... imperial sometimes. I've told him I could see myself with him for a very long time (we've been dating for almost 3 months but, I seriously think he could be the one) in which case I think it's only fair that I learn his language, too - but due to circumstances I can't do it right away. He's fine with that though, but I just wonder what it feels like for him. I imagine if I spoke a second language, even mostly fluently, there would still be some little things I'd have trouble getting across - I mean in the way that our language is a part of our personalities. I don't want him to be compromised, which is why I think eventually we should be a totally bilingual couple.
 
Go to the library and take out some audio books on conversational french. you can learn SOMETHING. he'll think it's really sweet that you're trying.

and when you learn, try to learn the pronounciation more than just knowing the words. I cringed when I hear people say, bahn'-jore, in Paris. He can help you for sure, he can be your biggest resource.

The other thing you can do is to speak in simple English (if he really stuggles) and teach him figurative English. I talk to the French when they visit where I work and I don't use the word "got" as a verb cause it doesn't transulate well. (I gotta go, I got this, What's he got?, etc)

Lastly I'm pretty sure he doesn't think of English as a burden. I would think most like the practice and if he wanted someone who could speak French, he go after it.
 
I can understand how you might be feeling badly for him, but the fact that you want to learn his language so it isn't all on him is sweet. If you two have a great relationship, I think this could actually help strengthen it if you help teach each other.

I actually think this would be a pretty neat thing in a relationship to work with each other on.
 
i dated a brazillian for 3 weeks... his english was decent but i had to fill in the blanks a lot and explain a lot of words to him whenever we'd talk.. thankfully we didn't talk much and were crazy on each other :P

he couldn't concentrate enough when we'd fool around to say things in english so i never knew what the hell he was talking about during sex... lmao...
 
i dated a honduran who spoke very broken english, but i'm fluent in spanish (because i'm part latin and because i grew up in l.a. where about half the population speaks spanish on a regular basis) but i spoke to him in english the whole time. i guess that's a little different, because even when he couldn't explain complex thoughts to me in english, he replaced the unknown words with their spanish equivalents. so it was more like he spoke to me in spanglish and i spoke to him in english, either way, i understood him completely 100% of the time; i think the relationship wouldn't gotten old REAL quick if i hadn't.
 
I have only had inter-cultural relationships, since I have not lived in my country of birth since I was 14.
I have been in a relationship with an Austrian guy for 2.5 years now, living together 2 years. I moved to Austria so we could be together. I didn't speak a word of German when I got here. We were able to communicate perfectly though because he speaks near fluent English, and he also speaks my other first language, Portuguese, near fluency, since it was one of his majors in college.
I now also speak German near fluency.
I think it is definitely very important to speak your partner's language, especially if you are living in his country, like you are. It is also a question of fairness too, as you say.
I would encourage you to start doing just 30 minutes of French with your boyfriend per day. It can be fun and sexy too to be taught by your lover. There's always time for at least 30 minutes per day. Don't stress too much at first, because at the beginning learning a new language you must be willing to sound like a fool. Have to let go of your pride a little, and be prepared to sound like a child.
 
You're setting the bar a bit high for yourself. It's not as important for you to learn to become fluent in French as it is to show that you're interested in learning French.

Fluency takes years and constant use until you can think in the other language.

Where you are at is that you want to learn some basic words and phrases. Your boyfriend can teach you these. Berlitz makes affordable CDs that you can play in the car that will teach you nouns, days of the week, basic nouns and pleasantries (don't waste time or money on Rosetta Stone). Some of the newer versions can be loaded to your iPod.

If you are serious learning French, then you can either take classes or move to France and learn via immersion.
 
Well, I live in Quebec, not France, so the situation is a little different. Most of the people here (Montreal) know English. He's been learning English since he was 12 so he's basically fluent, like I said, just minor grammar errors. A lot of people live here that don't speak French. As for the suggestions, I know a lot of phrases, and a lot of words. I just don't know predicates, pronouns (very well), basically, how to construct proper sentences. I can't take a class because it doesn't work with my schedule, and immersion is difficult in Montreal because people will just talk to you in English.

Anyways, thanks for the ideas everyone, regardless. I agree with you the most, KaraBlut, that it takes years to become fluent so the expectations are unrealistic. What's wrong with the Rosetta Stone program though? I pirated it 2 years ago and, although I only bothered to do a few lessons, I thought it worked well. I recently downloaded it again. Maybe I'll look into this thing I can put on my ipod, though.

I agree that the will to learn, right now, is more important than actually learning it. If I'm going to be with him for a long term thing, that would be okay.

He told me last night it's not an issue for him, and that in the future he'd just like it if he could talk in French and have me understand, and me reply in English (for things that are more complex for him, or if he's too tired to think in English, which has happened).

Anyways, yes, I have to say it does make for an interesting relationship!
 
I've had intercultural relationships...

i dont know if my english was good enough and I never really cared bout it, coz yeah as it's not my first language I put more effort so i'm like "deal with it"

i guess if you really think he could be the one, then its only fair u start to learn french a bit

I mean, I m sure u already had a glimpse of french and u started to learn a few words, that shows u want to improve on that and IMO it's a good thing and you should keep u the good work
 
saymyname said:
Well, I live in Quebec, not France, so the situation is a little different. Most of the people here (Montreal) know English.

He told me last night it's not an issue for him, and that in the future he'd just like it if he could talk in French and have me understand, and me reply in English (for things that are more complex for him, or if he's too tired to think in English, which has happened).
Click to expand...

Well, this does change things. Québécois is different from proper French (not in a good way) and it has its own slang. The good news is that in Montréal, you don't have to move. And since there are plenty of options for French education, it's very easy to learn. And it gives you an opportunity to practice by doing everyday things like going to dinner and practicing.

And you are correct, even when you speak French with an anglophone accent, they will change to English. I make a point of asking them to speak French- encore un peu plus lent.

And having your boyfriend speak in French and you answer in English is fine.

This site is very helpful with slang terms:
http://www.learncanadianfrench.com/

I don't like Rosetta Stone because the versions I've seen don't teach basic grammar and they teach really stupid phrases like "The boy is on the airplane", "The girls are running"- things that you are not going to say to the waiter or to someone on the street. And it's $400+ dollars!

Berlitz has lessons that are practical exchanges between people and groups of people. And some of the better courses have audio lessons, audio-visual lessons, iPod and CDs. And they're under $50 and include a coupon for discounts on classes at their schools.
 
That program sounds great. Like I said, I pirated Rosetta Stone - no way would I pay money for it.

It's true that it's probably easy to learn French when living in Montreal, but if you're a full time student and working full time, there isn't a lot of time - or mental energy, to be honest - to learn a new language on the side. It's a struggle.

I'm looking into taking a summer course, though, and I'm learning more and more simple phrases at work every day.

And for the record, French (from France or Quebecois) accents speaking English is fucking hot.
 
I am pretty fluent in english, and I wouldn't have a problem at all if could only speak in english with my partner. I would be a bit disappointed if the would take that as a reason to completely ignore my first language, but I would not demand or expect him to learn it quickly to perfection.
 
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