Interesting quandary with attempts to coming out to another close friend

[Something Else]

I was waiting for my friend, who was finishing exams for his degree, before updating him on my desires to explore men. I figured I didn't want to introduce additional stress into his life (school, work & love life).

Subsequently, I waited for a few days til the exams passed. I didn't get a chance to speak with him when I did try to contact him; and he called me at times I was unable to speak with him in that same time period.

So finally we catch up this Thursday...

I'm thinking I already told my other college friend. I'm getting used to this coming out to close friends thing, lol.

So just like my other friend we began talking about sports (football to be specific); then we drifted onto how the exams went (he passed with all A's and maintained his 4.0 gpa). Of course congratulations were in order. Then he surprised me by changing the subject and introducing that he'll be proposing to his girl (for 3 yrs they've been together) this Christmas?!

I was actually selfishly thinking now How can I possibly tell him now?!

He has been contemplating marriage for a year or so with this young lady. I've advised him that she's shown to be a very faithful and loyal person, though sometimes overbearing woman--which is out of love, and that's a good problem I told him to have.

However, now he wants me to be part of his grooms men. And all the other extra curricular activities that are incorporated with that.

Now the thing is that he's a cool guy. However, he is unlike most of my friends in that he likes to tease others about things that are very sensitive--he considers himself a comic, lol. Sometimes jokes are funny, sometimes inappropriate.

Anyways, i'm just caught entirely off guard by his announcement of getting married. I am now wondering if I should NOT tell him because then all of our mutual college friends would know--since he's going to be inviting friends that went to our college while planning for this wedding.

I've definitely been concerned about this over the last several days.

And to think before that good news of him getting married, I was feeling quite confident in introducing the subject matter; however, now I'm getting that growing feeling of trepidation all over again about telling him.

 

[provenlogic]

and this affects you coming out to him hooooooow?

 

[Something Else]

it makes me feel like I'm overshadowing his Christmas day proposal.

I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I just feel like he'll be consumed with my "coming out" to him more than his girl--as he considers me as one of his best friends.

And the last thing I want to have to deal with is his future wife (who is also VERY RELIGIOUS) discovering about me as the "gay guy"

Ultimately, I've always been the low-key guy and my intuition is telling me this could get a lot more attention than I'd bargain for.

 

[JackFTwist]

And to think before that good news of him getting married, I was feeling quite confident in introducing the subject matter; however, now I'm getting that growing feeling of trepidation all over again about telling him.

I don;t understand the issue. He has news. You have news. Given your news, he sure won't be hearing you as hitting on him. Perfect time to talk. (And if not now, when? His children could be on their second divorces and you'll still be finding excuses.)

For all you said, tell him now, as you planned. To quote a very wise person"

and this affects you coming out to him hooooooow?

 

[JackFTwist]

it makes me feel like I'm overshadowing his Christmas day proposal.

I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I just feel like he'll be consumed with my "coming out" to him more than his girl--as he considers me as one of his best friends.

And the last thing I want to have to deal with is his future wife (who is also VERY RELIGIOUS) discovering about me as the "gay guy"

Ultimately, I've always been the low-key guy and my intuition is telling me this could get a lot more attention than I'd bargain for.

Trust me. Once a wedding planning drama gets underway, you will be the last focus of attention. Ideal to tell him. You are creating barriers (excuses) to doing what you should do. You are deciding what he will do - unfair to him, also unrealistic. He may know, whatever, he is not going to be "consumed" with you "more than his girl." Snd the fujture wife mau have 27 lesbian cousins, you don't know, and she may have no problem with it at all and if she does, her problem. You going to live in dread and fear that she will find out before the wedding, or do you want to end that drama-queen situation and do what you were going to do now as you should? You could not find a more ideal time in which such an announcement is going to be low keyed and swept aside. Do it. Do it. And tell us when you do.

 

[Orlandude]

I agree with JackFTwist. The fact that he is going to ask this girl to marry him means that he is in love with her and the feeling is probably mutual. KNOW that his being in love WILL override your perceived importance of coming out to him. Getting engaged will change him. Getting married will change him even more. it is a major life change and your telling him about you is not going to have as much weight as you may think.

As JackFTwist said, if you don't tell him now... WHEN? When is there EVER going to be a better time? You may not have much more "alone" time with him. If the girl is as overbearing as you say, she will have his undivided attention once that ring goes on the finger. It's either tell him now or never tell him. He probably already has a hunch anyway....hmmmmmm?

 

[thermodynamics]

Tell him! As was said above, He has news, you have news.

And the fact that his fiance is "very religious" doesn't necessarily mean that she's "anti-gay". That's something that we all need to remember.

 

[Something Else]

I guess the fear of rejection is consuming me from seeing things as clearly as some of you have mentioned in your replies.

I appreciate that you guys can see things a little bit differently. And shared reasons why that this opportunity could be MORE advantageous. Something to consider as I'm mulling this in my head.

After giving this more thought, I guess what my collateral fear is that: my intuition tells me that this news will NOT be kept enterily confidential--which for now is what I'd like.

And the fact that he is going to be inviting mutual friends that I've not seen in DECADES, is only compounding that consternation within. The last thing that I want is to be part of small talk conversation with old friends beginning with the conversation as: "so I hear you're playing for the other team now"

or something of that nature.

I think that's also where my apprehension is coming from.

In one hand, I can deal with my close college friend getting to know me entirely; but on the other hand I'm concerned that this news will spread quicker and farther than I'd like to those through SECOND HAND conversations. And I simply just don't like being the topic of discussion on ANY matter--let alone something so personal.

anyways, these are the feelings/anxieties i'm sorting out.

 

[JackFTwist]

It seems that you think that once you tell your friend that all other conversation from now to the wedding is going to be about you. It won't be.

You either tell him or you don't but you are beginning to, it seems to me and I could well be wrong because I am an idiot, stringing out excuses to enable you to dwell in the land of anxiety.

Who cares what other people have to say, if they talk about you, which I don't think they will all that much? My own friends had other things to do than call everyone they knew and say "guess who's gay." I dealt with the old college friend issues by bringing my then partner. No one cared. Other people are much more concerned about themselves than you and at a wedding you are such a sideline - it won't be about you.

Yet in real life there always is a little brief conversation... but not to your face. When my daughter in law got married I know that a few people were thinking, "isn't that the gay one?" But who the hell really cares? The people that I care about, they love me. And it could just as easy be, "isn't he a little fat?" "isn't he getting bald?" "Neither apply to me by the way... but its always going to be something they think so who the hell cares? In my life, only one person ever said anything to my face - and that was a coworker (and she was a bitch and all I said was what difference is it to you?). Wedding guests you haven't seen in decades don't do stuff like that (if they talk about you at all) and not to your fac - again, you will not be the center of their attention at a wedding, and probably never.

Your after-wedding post will be "I never told anyone and everyone was in couples and I felt all alone and miserable." Since the only way to live is to not care what others think/know, I figure I always have a chance of getting introduced to someone, or feeling free to bring someone, or just plain be myself.

If you just don't care, then there is nothing to hurt you.

And you are worried about what people who have not seen yiou in decades are going to say? Again, I can be wrong, but you are creating anxieties to suffer with and if that is your thing, do it. I don't give a fuck about what people think who I haven't seen in decades. Might be great to see some of those people again, and I'd love to have a partner to introduce them to, but what can their opinion possibly matter to you?

If you just don't care, then nothing can hurt you.

 

[backpacker]

I think you did the right thing by not telling him at the same time he told you he was getting married. No one likes to have rain on their parade. The reality is that the wedding will be months or years away, so you have plenty of time for it to become old news before the wedding. Do you really want to stay in the closet until after their wedding? Your old friends are going to be asking you about who you are dating, why you haven't married, etc. at the wedding. Coming out can get rid of those awkward questions.

The other thing I would stress to your friend is that you don't find gay jokes funny, so please do not make them about me. If he can't do that, then he really is not much of a friend.

 

[Jeimuzu]

Yes, you were right not to tell him as he told you he was getting married, but really you can still tell him.

Most gay guys think that straight guys mind that they're gay. Fairly often, it's just a fact which leads to just a shrug, and an "Oh."

Told one of my mates, in fact, and he forgot the next day! Kinda difficult coming out to someone twice, I tell you.

 

[Sceilig]

Yes, you were right not to tell him as he told you he was getting married, but really you can still tell him.

I think you meant to say "you were right not to tell him at that time as he told you he was getting married. But like everybody else has been saying, you should probably tell him, but at an appropriate time.

Most gay guys think that straight guys mind that they're gay. Fairly often, it's just a fact which leads to just a shrug, and an "Oh."

Told one of my mates, in fact, and he forgot the next day! Kinda difficult coming out to someone twice, I tell you.

I don't think I agree with the first part... in fact, I'd say the majority would be at least a little freaked out. Unless of course you're a raging homosexual which is blatantly obvious to all around you, in which case you might get a little more subdued reaction.

 

[RicanDAB]

Something Else,

You do have very interesting life experiences ... but I had to add to the helpful commentary above:

You did the right thing not coming out to him when he announced his intentions to get engaged. That was HIS moment and you were good to let him have that. If you are gung-ho about coming out to him (and soon I assume) ... make sure you get time with him alone before his overbearing fiancee fills his schedule up with wedding plans and "you are MY man to be at my side at all times" requirements (yes, I have hauntingly bitter memories in my past LOL )

Now as far as your other friends are concerned who will be at the wedding, they don't have to know. Being GAY is YOUR business and no one else's unless YOU choose to share ... AND your to-be-engaged friend has absolutely NO business spreading this private news around. When you come out you certainly want to let him know that you are entrusting him with information that is very personal for you right now and that you expect that this will not be repeated by him until you say it is fine.

As a side note, I am in the process of trying to come out to a friend of mine and we both have a mutual friend "John" who is gay but my friend does not know that. I KNOW that in the process of my coming out my friend is going to ask if John is gay too (since John and I have been very close for so long) and in anticipation of this I have already spoken to John, who said it was OK if I mentioned it. I thought this was the right thing to do, as I HATE to out people I know to others, and especially have that done to me - these things should only come from the horse's mouth.

 

[Jeimuzu]

I think you meant to say "you were right not to tell him at that time as he told you he was getting married. But like everybody else has been saying, you should probably tell him, but at an appropriate time.

I don't think I agree with the first part... in fact, I'd say the majority would be at least a little freaked out. Unless of course you're a raging homosexual which is blatantly obvious to all around you, in which case you might get a little more subdued reaction.

Most people think I'm straight - EG my best mate didn't work it out, despite having known me for pretty much ever.

And yet, all the guys I've told have just basically double checked that's what I meant, usually - like if I've worded it badly, and just talked about it. It doesn't really mean much to them. Depends what kinda friends you make, I guess.

Yeah, you're right on the first part.

 

[Something Else]

had thought about creating a new thread, but figured I'd just update on this one--as it was already made.

Anyways, he proposed on Christmas Eve. And she said, "maybe"

(*U*)














actually, that's what my boy--the comedian--said, lol

She, according to him, took the box (with the ring) and was like "ooh, gimme that" lol

He guess that means she said yes, he said, lol

I have no idea if THAT is true--as I mentioned earlier he's the comedian type

But anyways...he has told my family. They're excited for him, as i am as well. He's informed them that I will be part of the grooms men

and the wedding will take place in the summer.

So now, I'm going to have to visit him at some point before the wedding day to just talk with him, face to face--as he's in another state from me.

Now my new fear (like I didn't have enough already, lol) is that:

if he doesn't feel comfortable with the news I'll share with him; then I'll have to explain to MY family why I'm not included with the grooms men despite him telling me and everyone in my family beforehand.

I don't think that will play out--as I've had good fortune on the first two attempts with my close friends. However, I will say that I am aware that THAT is a scenario--of course a worst case scenario, to be exact.