Is asking your boyfriend not to drink, unreasonable?

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

When we first met, I guess he found some of my personality traits admirable like not drinking, parting, smoking, doing drugs, etc.- He even went to the extent of saying that he wasn't going to drink anymore, which I never made comments on because I figured this was his choice in the end- Something that I would really like to see, but ideally he only has the willpower to make changes to something like this.

I eventually, told him that I didn't mean to be passive when he said that he wasn't going to drink anymore, that I really did find it to be a respectable quality because my sister died due to drinking and during that process I got to see how alcohol left families in pieces. It's quite sad to see, and kind of interesting as well to see people that think it can never happen to them, and what the repercussions can actually be.

So, he tried to keep his drinking/parting life separate from me.- I confronted him eventually, telling that I didn't mind if he drank, but as long as he did it responsibility. That morning he held back on the fact that everyone was over- I'm guessing to drink before hand, and then he kept downing them as I was there. I was upset about it, because I thought he would have at least have enough respect to not drink much. Maybe my expectations were unreasonable?

We eventually got past that as time went on, and confronted other issues such as his unwillingness to share things with me and include me in things, which might still be an issue. (It's getting better, but still not there) I should have probably left when I told him that I was done, that I deserve better then this. Instead I staying. Figured I would give him a chance.

Although, last night we went out, and I think he had people over that were more likely drinking- I'm not sure if he was drinking though, but I am assuming that he probably was. I'm going to ask later on if he was.- He's honest about things if bluntly asked, although, I find that he lies through the lack of details he supplies when he thinks the answers might hurt me.- How very kind of him. ;P

I mean when we are together we are fine- But when I see his other life of his, I am rather disappointed.

I don't know what is keeping me, I think I do like him. I mean he is the first guy that I've actually lasted more than 3 days or first date-(first boyfriend). && I had other dates that were more sexually experienced, and much better looking- That I really never took up the opportunity with because I have too much self pride and they were out of there god damn mind, but there is something unique about this one. Different. I just don't know what words to assign to it.

When I forget about some of the things that I notice that bother me, I am happy, although, when they show up again and I take notice to them- I wonder if I am better off looking elsewhere. Maybe, he'll grow up in time, but should I have to wait for it? I'm not sure what I am really thinking right now. I'm rather confused.

I also have a lot of other things going on my life that make things even more confusing.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

I guess he said that he only had one drink last night, and had no desire to drink- So, he ended up just going to bed. I guess, I just need to trust this, accept it for what it is?

 

[MarquisOrias]

If he says he didn't, trust him unless you can prove otherwise. This is by no means an invitation to start snooping for clues though.

If he can drink responsibly then let him do so, but if he's going wild all the time then it's time to have a talk with him.

 

[altlover85]

DRSM, I think you should end it with him. If his drinking bothers you, then you should be with someone who either doesn't drink or drinks very little.

My ex had an issue with me drinking (even though I never drank when I was with him, I'd told him some stories of when I had partied Freshmen year in college) so I gave it up for him, but just ended up resenting him.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

I've decided to just trust what he had to say and move forward from there as of now and wait and see if anything new happens. I voiced my thoughts, my ideas, and where I stand- I told him that I can't do that kind of lifestyle- How it's not who I am as a person, and he agreed stating that he wants to be with me, so he's not really that into the drinking and partying. I also told him that by him not telling me things / holding back only gives me more of a reason to not trust him. He says I can trust him, but I guess time will tell.

So, I guess I voiced my concerns. If I see that if he lied to me eventually- I'll cut things off.

If he says he didn't, trust him unless you can prove otherwise. This is by no means an invitation to start snooping for clues though.

I've felt out friends for a sense of the situation before, but I did this while he was next to me. He probably didn't like this at all at the time, but I also don't want to be naive as well. I get your point though, you don't want to be continually trying to search out answers for why a relationship shouldn't work out.

If he can drink responsibly then let him do so, but if he's going wild all the time then it's time to have a talk with him.

He's still not of legal age (21) to drink. So, it's still immaturity from my eye's if he chooses drink.

You shouldn't ignore the things that are bothering you.

I never do I'm vary vocal and blunt.

As long as he's drinking responsibly, that shouldnt be a problem.

I guess, I see drinking his kind at parties irresponsible, and immature. I mean I am not unreasonable- I wouldn't judge someone for grabbing a drink at the bar with some food, or over friends while watching TV, talking, or playing a game of cards, but I guess I saw him as someone who would just drink to drink because it's the thing to do at parties. It just seemed illogical to me.

The HUGE red flag is that he's keeping things from you. You guys need to talk about that and figure it out.

I am thinking he might be doing this because he feels like he might have some chance of loosing me, although I am not certain. He has failed to come up with words to explain why he does it. I've brought it up many of times before, and he's been making effort to try to make it better. He didn't really have any words for why he might have been doing this though, when I brought it up, or at least words that he felt comfortable enough saying outloud.

Another thing is you should never ignore things that are bothering you. That dooms a relationship for failure. Be open about what concerns you.

You don't need to worry about this. I'm too vocal sometimes ;P

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

DRSM, I think you should end it with him. If his drinking bothers you, then you should be with someone who either doesn't drink or drinks very little.

My ex had an issue with me drinking (even though I never drank when I was with him, I'd told him some stories of when I had partied freshman year in college) so I gave it up for him, but just ended up resenting him.

I'm guess in a way, it could be like I am forcing him to change- But isn't it your choice if you feel like what you might lose is worth the gain in the end?

I really don't want him to end up resenting me, and I made that clear when I was going to end things about a month ago. I said I didn't want him to resent me for stopping him on gaining the experience and freedom that he seemed to be looking for. That I really do like him, but I do want someone that i can eventually settle down with, someone to share my life with, someone to share there life with me.- That I deserved more than what he was giving me at the time, and I didn't want him to resent me, or feel like I was holding him back from gaining that college experience.

I don't think I am unwilling to compromise with the drinking thing. I don't mind an occasional drink here and there with a meal, or just while socializing. I guess the parting is what bothers me with alcohol, it just seems wreck-less and childish. But I think he should at least just wait until he's 21 to experience responsible drinking if he likes.

 

[MarquisOrias]

Don't let that government based number stick in your head for maturity. Here in Australia we can drink at 18 legally, if you were in europe, some countries have a legal age of 16. Don't like the number with maturity.

If he's drinking himself stupid though then he has other problems, one of them being he wants to be sooooooo coooooooool to his buddies.

Also how old is he? You're talking about settling down, but you also mentioned he's not of legal drinking age yet. Maybe he doesn't want this in his life and he just wants to be a college kid, but feels he must change his ways to not lose you? Dunno, just throwing it out there.

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

Don't let that government based number stick in your head for maturity. Here in Australia we can drink at 18 legally, if you were in europe, some countries have a legal age of 16. Don't like the number with maturity.

It hasn't. No reason to get into this debate though, but I also do think that there comes a point where you just accept the age limit and work with it. Instead of trying to rebel against it- I find it immature to just do whatever you want because you feel you are right/just. If you disagree take a stand if you truly believe is unreasonable or unjust.- Fight to change it.

Also how old is he? You're talking about settling down, but you also mentioned he's not of legal drinking age yet.

19, & I'm 22.
Settling down isn't for now- I'm not ready for that, and neither is he. But eventually I do want someone that I can settle down with. I tend to ramble sometimes, but I do want to share my life with someone and be involved in either others lives. I think that is important in developing a relationship.

Maybe he doesn't want this in his life and he just wants to be a college kid, but feels he must change his ways to not lose you? Dunno, just throwing it out there.

If this was the case, I wish he would just tell me this because he needs to decide, sometimes a person is only willing to compromise to a certain degree. There are some things that I will never compromise on. He will loose me if he is unable to share what is going on with his life with me. He will loose me by holding things back from me. I am not trying to control his life, but I do have my values as does he. I hope he's just not trying to micromanage me along with everything else in his life. I am not one to settle, I don't think anyone should as long as it's within reason. I don't think what I am asking for is unreasonable. Maybe he's not ready, maybe I should slow things down even more, although is it like I am wasting my time if he doesn't change, because it's as if I am waiting for some change.
Should I be the one who decides to let him go if this were the case? Or should he be the one who lets me go? or should it be a mutual conclusion? Should I bring this all back up again? He said he wanted to be with me. So, would something like this be counter productive? Or should I try to find someone that is a better fit to where I am at in my life?

 

[altlover85]

I'm guess in a way, it could be like I am forcing him to change- But isn't it your choice if you feel like what you might lose is worth the gain in the end?

I just feel like if you think drinking is underage and childish, you might be better suited to be with someone who isn't engaging in underage drinking or is of age.

I also want to say you don't magically become more mature when you turn 21, so even if he were to stop drinking, he may still drink in a similar manner when he turns of age. He may not of course. It depends on why he's drinking. If it's more of a peer pressure thing, I can see his drinking changing. If he just likes drinking and being drunk, I don't see things changing when he turns of age.

Should I be the one who decides to let him go if this were the case? Or should he be the one who lets me go? or should it be a mutual conclusion? Should I bring this all back up again? He said he wanted to be with me. So, would something like this be counter productive? Or should I try to find someone that is a better fit to where I am at in my life?

I think if things aren't working for you, you should be the one to end it.

You can talk to him about this if you want to, but if he says he's not drinking then you need to accept that. If you can't trust what he says, then that's a problem.

 

[Cardenio]

While I totally understand why you’d be sensitive about the issue of drinking given your personal history, I do think that you’re being very unreasonable in this case. Thus far you have not said anything that would lead us to believe that your boyfriend is engaging in unreasonable, reckless, and dangerous behaviors. Does he drive while intoxicated? Is he a violent drunk? Does he use drinking as an excuse to do stupid things that he wouldn’t do while sober? Can he not go a whole week without drinking? My guess would be that you wouldn’t know how to answer such questions because you’re usually not with him when he’s drunk, so your moral condemnation of his behavior is largely unfounded.

The reality is that the vast majority of college students (especially the underage ones) do drink alcohol; I know I drank a lot more before I turned 21. American college students drink to just get drunk. If your definition of maturity is not drinking while you’re underage or not drinking just to get drunk, then you simply either need to get over this hang-up, stop dating college students altogether, or just date the sort of college students that would feel right at home at dry institutions like BYU.

 

[hotatlboi]

I agree with what others have said about your concerns.

I don't think your bf is necessarily being irresponsible based on what you have said.

I myself like to drink at parties sometimes, and I don't feel there is necessarily anything irresponsible about that. As long as he is not endangering himself or others or letting alcohol or parties take over his life, there's nothing wrong with that imo.

If you do feel that this is not a responsible thing to do, then maybe his personality is not very compatible with yours.

 

[Seasoned]

Make this about you and you'll be on the path that is right for you. Because of your sister's drinking and the fact that alcoholism is a family illness you have been profoundly affected. The chances of you being alcoholic or marrying an alcoholic are significantly higher for you than the general population. Falling for someone with a drinking problem makes you co-dependent, an issue also needing attention and treatment. The behavior associated with co-dependency can make you as crazy as the drinker or even more so. If you find yourself attracted to problem drinkers seek help for yourself. The key is to be able to view yourself and life from your perspective and that that of the drinker's. Check out Al-Anon for more information. The focus of your life needs to be you and not the drinkers in your life.