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Is he not gay or closeted?

L

Luke Lighthart

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I met this guy about a year ago in a PE class. I asked him to go do an assignment with me for the class and he called me back and we did the assignment together. He seemed really nervous while I was with him especially when we were on our way home. Every time I see him, I get the feeling he likes me but he seems timid. During the summer, he came over after I told him I was alone and we hung out at my place. He randomly said "I want kids" (complete subject change) while we were talking... Maybe he is bi and is struggling with his mixed feelings? I ran into him once at school and invited him for lunch but he said "I'm on a schedule" and left awkwardly.

Anyway, fast-forward to now and I recently invited him over again. He said he wasn't free that night. I then told him I was alone and that he's welcome to come over and then he says maybe but not likely. He ends up not coming over that night but says he will next week in the afternoon. That day comes and it starts to get late so I text him & he says he still needs to head out. 2 hours later he says he's still at work and doesn't think he can make it and needs to wake up early the next day for work. I offered to meet him at his place if he got a second wind but he said he was just going to get some rest afterwards. So then I told him that if he gets off early I can help him unwind after work after which he responds saying that he's going to go over to his girls house because she lives closer...

What do you think? Is he being nice & telling me he's not gay or bi or is there a mixed internal conflict going on with him?

I saw one of his friends call him gay once in a pic comment and he said, "you seem to be mistaken." He never declared an "interested in" preference either and is never with any other girls but his sister. He also recently deleted his facebook page...

I found the first post I made that starts this story from the beginning:
http://www.justusboys.com/forum/threads/379828-Is-he-into-me-or-not
 
I suspect by his behaviour that he has probably got some interest in guys but is Bi and very deep in the 'closet'. You have given him plenty of opportunities to come out to you but clearly is not prepared to take that step. I think you should drop the idea of getting anywhere with him and seek another 'friend'.
 
The problem is that you're pursuing someone from the closet and it's turning into way too much work. If he's not interested, he's not interested regardless of his orientation. Besides, not every bi or gay man is attracted to every other bi or gay man.

You have needs and it's the closet that is making you want to make something happen between you and this guy. Once out of the closet you'll have opportunities with willing partners without this kind of effort and intrigue. It's time to give up on this guy. You certainly don't want to cross the line from pursuit to stalking.

Good luck with your coming out process.
 
To be honest, it sounds like he just isn't that into you on whatever level and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. That's actually considerate but usually leads to problems later on. Have you been upfront about your intentions? I am assuming your intentions are to get into his pants. Right? Or am I missing something?

The only thing that sort of stands out to me is the photo comment thing. "Gay" is the ubiquitous pejorative these days amongst tweens, teens and twentysomethings. I hear my youngest nephew say it all the time. If someone had said that to my nephew he would have blown it off if it was no big or gotten real pissed if he thought it was being used seriously, and I don't mean calling him gay in the way of sexuality. Personally I don't understand what it is supposed to mean but I'm old.

He's blown you off three times. How many times does it take exactly for you to get the message he isn't into it? I'm just asking. I mean some people need a billboard. Some people need someone standing right in front of them doing semaphore code. Infatuation is a hard thing to relinquish. We have all been in similar circumstances. People will tell you infatuations aren't real feelings. That may be true. But it is to the one experiencing it.

I'd say move on to bigger bushes and better berries.
 
I have a feeling that he senses that you are interested in him and that you are gay (your other post mentions that you are not out), and that he feels awkward around you because he's not gay and doesn't want to lead you on or give you the wrong impression. The "I want kids" comment was his way of saying that he's straight. He's beating around the bush because he feels that keeping you at an arms length will send you the message that he's only interested in being a casual friend...if even that. He may be trying to distance himself from you all together.

Sure...there is a chance that he's bi or gay, but even if he is, he's conflicted about it and not ready to deal with it. Since you are not out, he's not going to broach the subject with you either, as you are not going to broach the subject with him in return since you are also not out.
 
You are projecting and living off of hopes in your head. It's what - 8 months since you started this? Nothing has changed? You still don't know?

Here's what I suspect - I suspect you DO know, you just don't want to accept. You're starting to behave in a stalkerish manner-stop it, all that will do is push him away. It doesn't matter if he's gay or not - you're not out and he's not interested.

So here's what you do. next time you ask him to hang out, you don't follow up, you don't call back, you don't wait by the phone, and you don't go looking for more abuse when he stands you up - and you will probably feel like it if he doesn't show, because you are thinking about this like you are dating, and he is ONLY looking to hang out.

Guys who want to be with you make the effort, if he's not, you have your answer.
 
I'm going to echo what the above posters have written.

He's given you every sign that he isn't interested. Gay/straight/bi/whatever is not really the focus here. You have made moves and he has made polite excuses to say "No thank you, not interested".

Someone who is like minded and interested in you will want to be with you. Chasing someone for months and months is not an indicator of a romantic interest.
 
Gosh leave the poor guy alone already, even if he did have feelings for you if they are not strong enough for him to act on then let it go. Dont nag him to meet you when you can see clearly he doesnt want to.
 
Move on,you are going to spend a lot of time running on the spot.
 
You are seeming very desperate. It seems like he is not interested in you romantically, nor for friendship.
 
i can understand this situation pretty well. his sexuality doesn't really matter though does it? yours may matter to him. telling him your gay may be a hard thing to do, but it make him feel more comfortable around you.

i have a friend whom i know is gay but lives a straight life, its hard to hang out when your both trying to hide yourself. if your comfortable making him awkward and nervous, since he seems to like you but is afraid of admitting it to himself, then you got your work cut out.
 
Thanks for all the advice! I think I'll try inviting him over one more time and if he isn't interested, I'll stop contact completely. I haven't talked to him in months though...

The more I think everything over, the more it seems that he did want to have a one-off thing with me but I'm turning it into something that looks like I'm interested in a long term relationship or I'm creating a friend-zone...

Is there any way to turn it around now if that is the case? and how do I keep this from happening again?

Aside from this scenario, are there any common consequences with going straight into sex with someone? Could this destroy a possible ltr? ...
 
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