is he the right guy? HELP

[JJW234]

Hi guys!




I'm JJ from the Netherlands i'm 18 years old and I need help :S

So here's the thing I start talking with this guy from school I mean we graduate last year together but I used to hated him in my schools years he hated me too we don't like each other during that time but now I'm talking with him

So everything start in college like 2 or 3 weeks ago

I was in college I never knew he was there too he saw me while I was eating with my friends he start staring at me I was like WTF is this guy doing here! we never speak that day

So i go back to my house I check my facebook (like always) and I found out that he add me as "friends" I reject him lol I didn't really care about it I just press reject

So then in the next day I saw him again he start to looking me bad I was like fuck off wha'ts wrong with you so I go to the bathroom and he start following me that was a little bit awkward (BTW i'm bisexual but he never knew about it) then he ask me in the bathroom

Let me call him Thomas

Thomas "Why you reject me on Facebook"

Me: Ah? first of all why you wanna add me we are not even friends and you hated me in high school

Thomas: does that matter?

Me: Of course! i'm sorry but I have to go

So yeah then he send me the invitation on Facebook again I accept him he start talking to me and telling me about high school I really don't care about it but then he ask me if I was gay I said why? he says: I don't know I really find you cute I was literally in shock I ask him if he was gay he told me "I'm bisexual" ok then I reply "me too"

So now we are talking like daily for more than 6 hours he text me even while I'm sleeping always asking me if I'm ok if im free today or something like that he really cares I find him really cute too he is tall,blond,blue eyes a little bit like me the only difference is that my eyes are green but he told me that he is top and of course I'm top too

we are going to the cinemax this Saturday but I don't know I think i'm not going I never had a boyfriend in my entire life so i'm kinda nervous and I know that he is going to ask me if we start to date

Hope you can help me


(I'm so sorry my English is horrible)

 

[HunterM]

Seems like you two are willing to build a new friendship. Dating is to get to know each other better. If he asks, go ahead and date him. Relationships come and go in your life time. If it does not work out for you, then break it up and date other people. At your age, you should go out and date other guys.

 

[KaraBulut]

High school is over. Let the past be the past. You're going to find a lot of guys like this who were gay or bicurious who acted like homophobes in high school.

You both should give each other a second chance. You may be just friends. Or you might have a hot romance for a short while. You won't know until you go out on the date.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

 

[palbert]

JJ, welcome - and your English is very good. People change and grow and sometimes "hate" matures into curiosity. I would take the opportunity to go to the cinema - it's just "getting to know you>" And if at the end of the evening nothing turned you on, gradually end the relationship.

 

[JJW234]

Thank you so much to every single one of you! i'm so happy reading all your comments! :cheers:


So I decided to go out with him i'm gonna tried he text me list night and told me that he miss me every single day lol personally I find it really weird but now well is my first time

I have another issue he seems to be in love or something and what happen if I go out with him and then decide to just be friends that's gonna be hard for him I really don't want to hurt his feelings he's such a nice guy


Btw we used to hated each other because we both are so different he was really a homophone in high school he used to made jokes about gay people and sometimes he was a totally douchbag and we are so different he likes hip hop i'm into indie,house,electro

But hell yeah I'm going out with him in fact I just text him my confirmation hopes everything works

 

[Seasoned]

Your English is pretty good. You got your point across and with practice it will get better. This sounds exciting and fun and I hope that you discover that he's a nice guy. He may have been nasty to you as a way to hide his bi-sexuality in high school.

Dating the right guy is fun and exciting. Enjoy your time with him and see what happens! Have fun!

 

[JJW234]

^^ Thank you so much!


The weird thing now is if we start dating how i'm gonna tell my mom about it? she have no clue that i'm bisexual and I don't really want to be part of those relationships who keep hiding and living a lie

I just can't wait for the cinema let's see what happen

 

[JJW234]

So this is what happen today:


We supposed to be going to the cinemax today

He text me at 3 pm asking me if we are going

I reply:

Me : I'm so sorry but I can't go with you tonight I have some problems with my dad so I just can't i'm so deeply sorry

That was real me and my dad never had a great relationship we don't live together and sometimes we argue over stupid things

So I was really ashamed that we can't go out tonight I was wondering if he though that I was trying to avoid him or something like that so I was extremely worried

He reply: OK

Then 10 minutes later I was bored in my house with nothing to do my BF was out of town he was visiting his family in Belgium for this weekend so I was literally alone but then someone call me I really don't know who was calling me cuz he don't know my number but yeah was him he told me:


Thomas: hey can you go out?

Me: I told you I can't go to the cinemax

Thomas: I'm not telling you about that I'm outside your house

I was like OMG he was outside my house waiting for me like WHAT? I didn't know what to do I was in shock so I take a look in my window like trying to search for him

Me: Oh really? Where?


Thomas: Here in the corner of your front street

He was there sitting in his bike he was wearing a black sweater with messy blond hair he didn't know that I was seeing him he looked so cute so in that moment my mom was doing some shopping so I let him in

Me: Hey wait a minute i'm going to open the door

Thomas: Ok

So yeah I go downstairs and I open the door he let his bike there and we go inside so everything was OK I was little bit nervous cuz my bedroom is a mess but he didn't care about it

Yeah we start to talk he ask me if I was ok I said yeah for sure

So after 30 minutes talking then I knew that this was going to happen he said:

Thomas: So I don't know how to tell you this but I like you a lot in fact that I'm daily worried about you I know we don't know too much but I think i'm in love with you

*-*

I have this weird thing when people tell me something serious or something like that I start laughing I said:

Me: I like you too I think you are a really cute guy

Thomas: I want to go out with you

Me: Ah? Are you asking me if I can be your boyfriend

Thomas: Yeah would you like to be my boyfriend?

I was in shock I didn't know what to answer I was scared I just said

Me: Hm. Let me think about it and I think you need to go now my mom is coming

Thomas: So you are rejecting me?

Me: Not at all I just don't know

Thomas: Ok

So he leaves but I totally see that he have a sad face like going to cry so I feel like shit now I wonder what's on his mind after more than 5 hours he haven't texting me or calling me something weird cuz he always text me

I really don't know what to do I just cry cuz I know he is now feeling bad

 

[Rolyo85]

Well, describe your feelings and fears to him, and make a mature decision together. Explain why you couldn't give him an answer right away, and that it does not mean rejection. UNLESS it does. Make up your mind and then talk to him. If you have feelings for him, and if you can see him being your bf, that might be a good incentive to come out to the parental unit.

 

[Ganoderma]

The weird thing now is if we start dating how i'm gonna tell my mom about it? she have no clue that i'm bisexual and I don't really want to be part of those relationships who keep hiding and living a lie.

hi JJW234,

Well, you are living in The Netherlands so what kind of problems do you see when it becomes obvious to your mom that you like guys as well?

And why not use a natural way?

Me: I think you need to go now my mom is coming.

Why did you not choose the natural way to keep talking with him?

How would you have reacted when this was happening while there was a girl visting you? Would you also have told that girl that she needed to leave because your mom was returning home? I tend to think that straight guys would not 'send away' a girl, when they would be in a more or less similar situation?

Anyway, I really hope you and this guy will soon become boyfriends of each other. Why not tell your mom that you have met a nice guy?

Take care & feel free to react.

 

[JJW234]

Well, describe your feelings and fears to him, and make a mature decision together. Explain why you couldn't give him an answer right away, and that it does not mean rejection. UNLESS it does. Make up your mind and then talk to him. If you have feelings for him, and if you can see him being your bf, that might be a good incentive to come out to the parental unit.

Well thank you so much

The thing is I like the guy he is extremely fit he is fun and I like it

I think I just don't give him an answer in that moment because I really don't know or because I'm scared how people around me is going to react I always dated girls in fact I broke up with one like 2 months ago I never had this feeling for another guy and I never expect that other guy feel the same way for me is just crazy I'm going to his house tomorrow hope we can talk and he understands me

hi JJW234,

Well, you are living in The Netherlands so what kind of problems do you see when it becomes obvious to your mom that you like guys as well?

And why not use a natural way? Why did you not choose the natural way to keep talking with him?

How would you have reacted when this was happening while there was a girl visting you? Would you also have told that girl that she needed to leave because your mom was returning home? I tend to think that straight guys would not 'send away' a girl, when they would be in a more or less similar situation?

Anyway, I really hope you and this guy will soon become boyfriends of each other. Why not tell your mom that you have met a nice guy?

Take care & feel free to react.

Well I'm scared cuz my mom is way different than any other moms in the Netherlands lol foreign people think that we are so open minded and open to gay couples but when it comes to a christian mom is way different that's why I don't know what to do I have never dated a guy in my whole life so I'm just scared

 

[Rolyo85]

There are always reasons not to do it. Question is, are they more important to you than the reasons to do it.

 

[JJW234]

Don't worry about laughing after something serious because it's probably a reflex. We all have different reactions toward something. For example, some of us laugh, while others stay in shock and don't say anything.

I'm assuming your parents don't know that you are bisexual. First of all, why couldn't you go to the cinemax? Were you mad or something?

So clever of him thinking that if you couldn't go out then you would probably be in your house. Just shows how much he cares about you now. I'm amazed at how the ones that seem the toughest on the outside are probably the weakest on the inside. He showed his feelings toward you, and since you didn't give him the answer and kiss he was expecting, he felt rejected so of course he felt like shit. This is all new to him, and you are probably his first so it makes it even worse.

My advice to you: I've been through this before. He wanted to have something with me, but I made my mind and decided that he wasn't the type of guy I was looking for so after that we stopped texting. Make your mind and decide if you really want to be his boyfriend or are you just not ready for it.

Don't wait for the mountain to come to you, go to the freaking mountain. You rejected him, so why are you waiting for a text? Don't make that mistake and text him back with an explanation. Maybe gather in one place and talk about it. Just don't leave this like nothing happened.

Hi! Thank you so much for your advice!

Yeah I was extremely mad me nad my dad never had a great relationship I was arguing with him because I'm having some troubles in college so yeah so now that I''m thinking about the cinemax rejection that was extremely stupid cuz I need to clear my mind and that was perfect but yeah

Yeah my mom don't have idea in fact sometimes says things like "when you get married you know what is to have a child" "when your wife get pregnant you have to understand her pain" And i'm like Ok mom but she have some gay and lesbians friends she's nice with them but I don't know how she gonna take it with me


I'm going to his house I have to talk with him lets see what happen

There are always reasons not to do it. Question is, are they more important to you than the reasons to do it.

That's true! another fact to make me nervous lol if I came out to my friends and family ad bisexual and then our relationship don't work at all that must be horrible and I can't even think about


Guys is this weird that lately I have dreams with him? Not sexual dreams just talking and kissing

 

[Rolyo85]

Coming out means living a life instead of a lie. It's for YOU, not for a boyfriend. It will bring you happiness sooner or later and whether you stay with this guy or not is completely irrelevant.

 

[glasvegas]

I thought Netherlands are suppose to be free for whatever you want to be? Hmm.
I am saying that because I have two really close Dutch friends from Netherlands and they're very liberal ( One of them, even cried when she knows I am gay because I will be facing a lot of difficulties if I came out.) . But I guess for you, coming out will be very easy.

As for you situation, I can see that you guys have feelings for each other, why not start seeing as a friend and then move on from there. I always find it unbelievable when someone starts saying I love you like so easy. I don't trust these people. But maybe he has really strong feelings for you? Anyway, good luck!

And happy "nougen in de kouken"

 

[Ganoderma]

Well I'm scared cuz my mom is way different than any other moms in the Netherlands lol foreign people think that we are so open minded and open to gay couples but when it comes to a christian mom is way different that's why I don't know what to do I have never dated a guy in my whole life so I'm just scared.

hi JJ,

I am also Dutch and I am living in The Netherlands (you state that you are living in Badhoevedorp) and I am aware that there are 100,000s of christian people (almost all of them are reli-fundi's) who don't appreciate it that one of their friends / family members is gay / bi.

So I feel very sorry that your mom has these narrow-minded ideas. But she is the only person who can change her opinions (religion is just an opinion), because you cannot change your feelings (=you like both guys and girls).

And I can imagine also very well that you feel scared that you are right now in the process of dating a guy. But what's the difference between dating a girl, or dating a guy? None?

How about your college? I assume there will be more gay students over there, and also alot of fellow-students who don't bother at all that people are gay, straight or bi (or anything in between).

Apparently, your friend is open / more open about his own sexual identity?

Well, take your time, and don't panick too much. Feel free to ask for more advise. Up to you when you want to send me a private message (ofcourse in Dutch).

Be also aware that parents (=your mother) can never decide that their kids must provide them with grandkids. So also straight people / couples can decide that they don't want to have kids. That's their own decision, and their parents can do nothing against it.

And you are totally right that you must not start living with a ly. All christian people will have learned that you must not ly to others.

I think I just don't give him an answer in that moment because I really don't know or because I'm scared how people around me is going to react I always dated girls in fact I broke up with one like 2 months ago I never had this feeling for another guy and I never expect that other guy feel the same way for me is just crazy I'm going to his house tomorrow hope we can talk and he understands me.

Well, you have experience in dating girls. So what's the difference when you start dating a guy? I agree with others that he really seems a nice guy, and its good you go to his house to talk with him. His parents are aware that he is gay (so he don't need to 'hide' his feelings / his real identity, and meaning his house is a sort of safe haven)?

Anyway, good luck, and feel free to react and/or to ask other questions.

 

[JJW234]

I thought Netherlands are suppose to be free for whatever you want to be? Hmm.

As for you situation, I can see that you guys have feelings for each other, why not start seeing as a friend and then move on from there. I always find it unbelievable when someone starts saying I love you

Thanks for your advice!

And For sure! we are a very open minded nation but my mom is a christian she grow up in a very conservative family she have some gay friends but I don't know how she's going to react with me.

How about your college? I assume there will be more gay students over there, and also alot of fellow-students who don't bother at all that people are gay, straight or bi (or anything in between).

Apparently, your friend is open / more open about his own sexual identity?

Be also aware that parents (=your mother) can never decide that their kids must provide them with grandkids. So also straight people / couples can decide that they don't want to have kids. That's their own decision, and their parents can do nothing against it.

And you are totally right that you must not start living with a ly. All christian people will have learned that you must not ly to others.



Well, you have experience in dating girls. So what's the difference when you start dating a guy? I agree with others that he really seems a nice guy, and its good you go to his house to talk with him. His parents are aware that he is gay (so he don't need to 'hide' his feelings / his real identity, and meaning his house is a sort of safe haven)?

Anyway, good luck, and feel free to react and/or to ask other questions.

Aw Thank you so much for this message

Yeah there's lots of gay people in my college, Yeah he is very open about it but he is not that type of gay I mean not too feminism very different

 

[JJW234]

So this is what happen today or yesterday (Netherlands time)


I wake up thinking about him

I mean I was decided to go to his house and visit him and tell him that we can try out he never text me in the whole night I send him some texts but he didn't answer I was extremely worried

So I pick up my bike and ride to his house I already know where he lives so everything was ok when I arrive his mom told me that he was in his uncle house she told me that probably in 30 minutes he arrives I was ok with that her mom let me in and I just wait for him

So yeah I met his mom she's really nice she start asking me about him if I was his friend, where I meet him etc she start asking about me and yeah then he arrives he was literally in shock cuz he never expect me to be there sitting in his living room so he says:


Thomas: What are you doing here

Me: We have to talk

Thomas: I don't think so

Me: Why

Thomas: After what happen yesterday you are done to me

I was like WTF is wrong with this guy he have some issues or he still hates me or something but that was not ok at all

Me: Oh really? OK (mad face)

I said bye to his mom and I leave

Believe me I start to cry and I don't know why maybe because I was really thinking that we can move on about what happen yesterday and we can totally try it out but no everything was different now I ride my bike to my house and I just stay there in my bedroom really sad

I know everything sounds really cliche but yeah that happen I was depressed and mad at the same time so then he was calling me and saying that he is extremely sorry about it and if we can talk latter I said ok

So in that moment I haven't sleep for really long time I was extremely tired I fall sleep when I wake up my mom told me that my BF and other guy visit me

He text me saying that he visit me but I was sleeping and he call me later

 

[Just_Believe18]

By BF do you mean best friend or boyfriend? I don't understand here.

It all sounds a little silly. He likes you, you reject him. Once he rejects you, you want him. Just be honest with your feelings. He thinks you don't like him because you're playing all of these mind games and canceling on him. If you like him, tell him. If you want to spend time with him, then do it. It's really quite simple.

 

[JJW234]

By BF do you mean best friend or boyfriend? I don't understand here.

It all sounds a little silly. He likes you, you reject him. Once he rejects you, you want him. Just be honest with your feelings. He thinks you don't like him because you're playing all of these mind games and canceling on him. If you like him, tell him. If you want to spend time with him, then do it. It's really quite simple.

Best Friends he was visiting his family in Belgium


I'm not playing with him I never reject him I just don't give him an answer in that moment he took that as a rejection that is not my fault look I put the effort but then he reject me I was about to explain him everything but he didn't care