Is it betrayal?

[bsorc]

Hi everyone,
i wanted some advice on something that happened to me today.

I met a guy 1 year ago and we've been together since, so far we did have problems but managed to overcome them. I was the one who ended up creating many problems coz i did get insecure sometimes ( :S)

anyways

before me he was with a guy... "John",
in less than one month, he told me the story of his ex "John"
that they were together but John was out of control and with a very aggressive personality but then John went back to his country after they had a fight and broke up. But when we were meeting on our first month, he said John tried to call him to get together but my boyfriend didnt want him anymore (coz he loved me)

So my boyfriend cancelled his number and got a new one to get rid of him, after John found out that my boyfriend was a famous person in the community.


now its been almost a year since he told me the story and today he tells me that he couldnt keep it in his heart anymore that he had kept in touch with John because he was afraid John's aggressive personality might create problems in his community, so he was going to arrange a visa for John to come, coz John called him and was crying that how he was being abused by his parents for being gay and that he wanted to be with my boyfriend.

I was a bit shocked to hear this and i told him why he had kept this from me, he normally tells me every little things that bother him, yet he kept this story hidden.

and John was calling my boyfriend on his new number.

I got upset and my boyfriend said i cant be upset instead i should help him to keep John happy and then slowly move him out of the picture in fear that if John gets angry he might expose my boyfriend.

So i was already sick since the past couple of days ( not swine flu, i did a test)
while feeling feverish, he told me all this and it hit me hot he hid this from me for one year, how he kept in touch with. So i told him all this and he said like "You trust me dont you?"

i turned me head and said, "I dont know"

Now he all upset over the fact why i dont trust him, why am i thinking about my feelings while he is having a problem, then he says he should have never told me. Then he sends a message to John saying that he couldnt arrange his visa due to policy problems, then my boyfriend told me like problem solved, i was upset inside.


Did i do wrong by saying i didnt know if trusted him,
was my reaction wrong?

help me

 

[Seasoned]

OK, from your standpoint you have done nothing wrong; however, there are at least two sides and possibly three to this story. Old boyfriends can be an on-going issue. My partner and I have been together 25 years and we still joke about each other's former partners.

It sounds like your partner felt he had to hide this from you, but telling you now that this is the reaction he feared is a cop out and bullshit.

He made a mistake in not being honest.

Questions: how is John more of a threat in another country than he would be closer to you? Is there blackmail involved?

I think this is a repairable situation as long as you both can talk through it and process your feelings. Good luck buddy.

 

[rareboy]

Broken trust.

Tough to repair.

You're the one who has to forgive and forget.

You can't nurse this.

If you think the damage is irreparable, then tell your bf.

He's the one who should be doing the heavy lifting from here on in to regain your trust.

 

[KaraBulut]

As the saying goes:
Screw me once, shame on you.
Screw me twice, shame on me.

Your boyfriend screwed you the first time by concealing the truth from you.

He screwed you the second time by lying that he had ended this strange, unhealthy relationship with his ex.

And now he wants to get the ex a visa to come back? And he claims to worry about being outed by this person who was previously out of the country?

This smells to high heaven. There's more lies and hidden truths ahead.

 

[spencer]

Tell your boyfriend Anderson Cooper that it's too late, we already know. John can out him all he wants and it won't hurt his career one bit. just kidding


In my opinion, if you now ask him to be honest and upfront about everything and ask for the details, then you can work on forgiving him. I think it is really complex, especially if the ex is was a long time boyfriend. It's not your average breakup since there is country borders and having someone that may have been abusive also adds to the mix.

 

[KevinCA]

As the saying goes:
Screw me once, shame on you.
Screw me twice, shame on me.

Your boyfriend screwed you the first time by concealing the truth from you.

He screwed you the second time by lying that he had ended this strange, unhealthy relationship with his ex.

And now he wants to get the ex a visa to come back? And he claims to worry about being outed by this person who was previously out of the country?

This smells to high heaven. There's more lies and hidden truths ahead.

thats what ive been thinking too

 

[bsorc]

Thanks everyone for your advice...it really helps me....
he called me yesterday at his place while he had show to attent to..as he does every friday...he got me to play wii...brough me amazing lunch...and has been very loving...do you think he is compensating?

I even asked him about John...that what he is doing now?
He said that he has already told John that he doesnt wana be invloved with anyone coz of his professional life.

I dont know y but i have the urge to get into his email

 

[KaraBulut]

I even asked him about John...that what he is doing now?
He said that he has already told John that he doesnt wana be invloved with anyone coz of his professional life.

Versus telling him that's he's in a relationship with you and therefore, not available?

 

[rareboy]

^ Hey OP. Your guy is just fucking pitiful.

He's a pathological liar.

Ditch him and run while you're just wearing flats.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>I got upset and my boyfriend said i cant be upset instead i should help him to keep John happy

We have a saying here in America. "Fuck that noise."

He lied to you about his ex-boyfriend. And when he decided to come clean, and told you "I'm gonna try to get him to come to this country", he said you weren't allowed to get upset? Fuck that noise.

How long before he tells you that John is going to have to live with you - just for the time being, "until he gets on his feet"?

Lex

 

[rr72368]

in all honesty, i've read all i needed to.
this boyfriend of yours apparently wants the cake, wants to eat it and fuck the baker missionary.

danger buddy.