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Is it normal to have never found a gay guy you love?

L

Lemonade

Joined
Jun 23, 2004
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Location
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I've been out since April 2005, when I was 18. However, the past two years, I haven't had any sex at all, there were two occasions when it almost happened, but it didn't (because of my decision). I don't believe in having sex with guys who I don't love and I'm not dating. I stick to things once I've committed to them, so I've never strayed from this rule.

I've been single for the past two years. Countless guys have asked me out, but I have such high standards that I decline practically everybody. My standards are not based physically, but I just don't believe I can date somebody who I can't talk to, or doesn't undestand me when I get all academic and analytical. A college education would be good for starters, but the guys at college gay clubs are so....gay!

I go through these short phases where I'm anxious to get a boyfriend, then I feel alright again and all ready to wait for the guy that I respect and look up to.

The thing is, I've never in my life met a gay person that I actually want to date, or love. That includes my ex-bf (and only bf), I sort of dated him when I first came out because I've never had a bf - bad thing to do I know, but it was like 4 years ago. Since then I've dated a few guys but I've dumped them because I know I'll never love them.

So what the hell, why do all these other gay boys fall in love every other week, while I've never even seen a gay guy that I'd want to love or date?
 
You said it yourself, you have really high standards.

Try to chill out and just be friends with someone. You'll probably find a lot more in common than you thought, and a date won't seem so bad then.
 
You need to throw your standards out of the window and just go have fun.

Get out and mingle, you are cancelling people out before you even get to know them which is really awful of you.

You have to stop evaluating everyone as a life partner and just go with the flow. And you aren't going to fall in love with someone upon your first meeting.

So stop sabatoging yourself! Also it's really unbecoming when people have an attitude such as yours.
 
Maybe he was one of those that lurked, he did say he has only been out for two years. Although I have been out about 2 years myself.
 
You are young. Don't worry about standards. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet Prince Charming. Have sex, have fun. When you meet Mr. Right, then you will have sowed your wild oats and will be ready to settle down with him without regrets.
 
Lemonade said:
The thing is, I've never in my life met a gay person that I actually want to date, or love.
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i'm right there with you on this lonely, deserted island buddy.

but you know what? there's absolutely nothing wrong with having high standards. and goodonya for not being a slut like so many of us. not only does it show you have respect for yourself, but also that you have morals. both of which are extremely attractive and increasingly difficult to find in this day and age.

love will find you. don't worry.
 
I'm in the same boat. I refuse to date someone who I can not hold a conversation with. But, of course that makes the already small dating pool smaller. But, keep searching.
 
lifehouseboy said:
slickery, the OP is a decent person with high standards. if you don't have one, too bad for you because there is nothing special about gays who will just hook up with just about everyone they meet. the OP actually knows something about self love and commitment which is admirable in the gay world. also, i don't know what attitude you're talking about; it's your attitude you need to watch out for.
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It's not about having standards, everyone has standards.

Telling yourself you have high standards and cancelling out people quickly because they don't "meet your standards" is self sabatage. It's an excuse many people use to justify their own personal insecurities as to why they can't "find" anyone.

It's not about being a slut, or easy, or anything. The majority of people I've met throughout my life who have "high standards" are just using it as a mask for their own internal issues. People who say they have high standards need to wake up and ask themselves, "would I fit that standard myself?"

When you get out there, mingle, meet new people you get a better understanding of the real world and what you really want. It doesn't mean one must go out and whore themselves around by any means.

Everyone always thinks that the majority of gays are only out there for sex, but that's simply not true. It might seem that way in the dimly lit technoed out clubs on Saturday nights, but that's only a facade. Many guys are in the same position that the OP is in, he just has to give them a chance rather then throw assumptions around.

I'm sick of the people saying "hang in there, love will happen" because it doesn't. One can't sit around and expect things to come to them. The OP can't sit around and expect Mr. Right to fall into his lap. He has to put in the effort to find Mr. Right, and playing the high standards card isn't the way.

So OP, let your guard down. Accept people for who they are. First impressions aren't always what they seem. You never know Mr. Right could've been dancing right next to you last Saturday.
 
Lemonade said:
I've been single for the past two years. Countless guys have asked me out, but I have such high standards that I decline practically everybody. My standards are not based physically, but I just don't believe I can date somebody who I can't talk to, or doesn't undestand me when I get all academic and analytical. A college education would be good for starters, but the guys at college gay clubs are so....gay!
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People who set their “standards,” so high that no one can meet them are usually self selecting themselves out of the dating pool. The other guys aren’t the issue. Perhaps it might be more constructive to reevaluate your “standards.” Saying you’ll only date guys who are perfect isn’t a standard, it’s a dodge.

Lemonade said:
The thing is, I've never in my life met a gay person that I actually want to date, or love. That includes my ex-bf (and only bf), I sort of dated him when I first came out because I've never had a bf - bad thing to do I know, but it was like 4 years ago. Since then I've dated a few guys but I've dumped them because I know I'll never love them.

So what the hell, why do all these other gay boys fall in love every other week, while I've never even seen a gay guy that I'd want to love or date?
Click to expand...

Sounds like a personal issue to me. There are all kinds of gay guys out there.
 
Hmm, you sound a little like me with the academic/analytic thing.

It has to do with being able to match someone intellectually... sort of a "love the brain" thing that you need to do to actually be into someone.

Other than that you may have self-confidence issues.
 
You sound like me in this context. I don't really date much (I'm not including the one night stands I've had, I'm purely talking about dating) since nobody really interests me that much. :s

I, like you, don't understand how so many people, of any gender and orientation, can keep finding so many people they are interested in, whereas it takes me ages to find smeboy I'd actually want to DATE.

Luckily, right now, I've found somebody I'm interested in. He's the first guy I've genuinely been intereseted in, in more than a year! O.O I'm happy since he's also interested in me! =D
 
slickery said:
It's not about having standards, everyone has standards.

Telling yourself you have high standards and cancelling out people quickly because they don't "meet your standards" is self sabatage. It's an excuse many people use to justify their own personal insecurities as to why they can't "find" anyone.

It's not about being a slut, or easy, or anything. The majority of people I've met throughout my life who have "high standards" are just using it as a mask for their own internal issues. People who say they have high standards need to wake up and ask themselves, "would I fit that standard myself?"

When you get out there, mingle, meet new people you get a better understanding of the real world and what you really want. It doesn't mean one must go out and whore themselves around by any means.

Everyone always thinks that the majority of gays are only out there for sex, but that's simply not true. It might seem that way in the dimly lit technoed out clubs on Saturday nights, but that's only a facade. Many guys are in the same position that the OP is in, he just has to give them a chance rather then throw assumptions around.

I'm sick of the people saying "hang in there, love will happen" because it doesn't. One can't sit around and expect things to come to them. The OP can't sit around and expect Mr. Right to fall into his lap. He has to put in the effort to find Mr. Right, and playing the high standards card isn't the way.

So OP, let your guard down. Accept people for who they are. First impressions aren't always what they seem. You never know Mr. Right could've been dancing right next to you last Saturday.
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First of all, I thank everyone for their posts, they are really insightful.

I think you're onto something too, Slickery, I admit insecurities come in the way when people ask me out. I kinda size them up immediately. I don't know what the reason for that is though. I guess I'm just an anal, super-perfectionist and of course we are always the ones with the biggest issues. But I'm a pretty confident, calm guy and I know people generally like me and think positively of me partly because I have an "innocent" look. Although my mom says I can look very cocky and inapproachable at times too. Sometimes my face reflects what I'm thinking I guess lol. But I've kinda learned how to balance that, and I exert different auras in different situations with different people.

About the "would I fit that standard myself" question, I would say I do. I'd date myself if it were possible. It'd be so much simpler, lol. I know I'm not sounding too humble right now, but the reason is that I look up to certain values and ways of life and I fulfill them and in turn they make me feel fulfilled. With my innate ability to commit to things, I never stray from them. Basically, I think I've got it figured out. Other guys who I think haven't figured it out are a big turn-off. Especially the ones who are disloyal, lack self-control, can't commit to things and/or sleep around. Guys who sleep around because they are trapped in the cycle perplexes me. What happened to self-control and personal autonomy? Why do people do things when they know there are negative consequences, even when they can choose not to do them.

Basically, it's like this. My values and morals constrain what I'm able to do and who I'm able to date. I don't think it's so much an issue of insecurity, though I don't know if insecurity and strong values and morals are related. I just feel that I can't find somebody with many of my values and morals, are very loyal and committed, and are charming in their own way. Those who say they have the same values and morals as I do, never do. People don't see the inconsistency in their values and morals and their actions, it's annoying! It's not even about the strength or looseness of the definition of a value or moral, it's often way out of the ballpark in many cases. And I'm not talking about things like, "oh you stole a jellybean from the store", it's more like "you did what when you were dating your bf?!"

Apologies for the long message.
 
I'm on the same boat with u as well i just had a fuck buddy never been in a real relationship. Its hard to find decent gay guys with out them being stuck up. I don't mind effeminate guys i wouldn't mind being their friends because a lot of them seem fun.Also by me not drinking or smoking or doing drugs its hard to find guys who don't do that stuff. I would love to meet people who lives aren't centered around an alcohol bottle
 
OP, I'm in the same boat as you--and so are many people who've posted here, apparently. Moral of the story: you're not alone in this, and giving people a chance (unless they are clearly beyond hope) is a good thing.

And good for you, nametaken!
 
All of you are still missing the point!

Everyone has the idea of the "perfect" man in their head, but you need to realise that there is no such thing.

Relationships and love don't just happen overnight. Both people must work at them and grow together. You have to understand there are a million guys out that you would be able to date, but you need to stop trying to find someone who fits your mold.

You also must take a step back and think about the impression that you are giving off. If you walk around with your nose in the air assuming people are below your standards, people are going to pick up on it. And just as much as you might meet someone and think "oh they aren't quality" they might be thinking the same thing just by the way you are carrying yourself around them.

Just think about and stop having pity parties. It's just something you're going to have to learn to get over and until you do you aren't going to find anyone.
 
slickery said:
All of you are still missing the point!

Everyone has the idea of the "perfect" man in their head, but you need to realise that there is no such thing.
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sorry, but I completely disagree with you over that statement.

I had ( and still have ) exactly the same morals and values, and refused anything more than friendship with anyone who didn't share those values with me - including, and probably most importantly the casual sex value.

I was lucky enough to find my "perfect" man - and I wasn't putting any effort into finding a partner - he did simply fall into my lap - so it does happen.
 
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