Is It Supposed To Be?

[iloveronald]

Hey you guys...i'm new and i just wanted to tell my story.

I had always liked guys alot but I had never been with anyone. So this year I had made a real close friend with let's just call him X. X and I got really close and he made me feel like I could trust him so I opened up my heart to him. I told him about some really bad things that happened in the past (like when I was younger I was raped) and he even cried for me. I even helped him when he was having relationship problems with this girl, I talked to her and told her how good a guy he was and all that even though I didn't want them to be together, I did it because it made him happy.

Well of course I had liked him a little bit before I was really friends with him but as time went on my love for him deepened a lot and it got so severe I had to tell my friend who's a girl. I had never told anybody that I liked guys but if I hadn't told it would've killed me.

So over time we both picked up hints about him liking me (i.e. hugs, him asking me does he look good, we both saying I love you) and she told me to just tell him. I was scared to do it and I couldn't bring myself to do it so I just told him that someone liked him and I basically described myself but it seemed like he still hadn't figured it out. I told him it was a guy and he said that I'm not gay and I said okay and left it alone.

Well during the course of our friendship he would do little things to hurt my feeling unintentionally but then he would really start doing this careless things that made me upset. I wrote him an email telling him what he did and that it hurt me and I said if you don't want me as a friend than you can let me go (which I didn't really mean) and then he decided that we shouldn't be friends and called me selfish and all sorts of things when I had been selfless the whole time. I wondered why he let our friendship go so quickly and I basically begged him to be my friend again but he was like we can't.

Then a few days later I find out for a friend that the real reason he broke off our friendship was because he said that I was hitting on him and that he couldn't be friends with someone gay. He had went around telling people this and it really hurt me deeply till the point that when I heard that my knees got weak and I almost fell down. It made me so angry that he would do something like this when he knew what I had went through in the past. I then went through this stage where I was feeling really depressed and drained. I was involved in a 13 show play at my school so I had stress packed on top of that which really took a toil on me. I ended up passing out one day and I had to go to the hospital for 6 hours which was really painful. When I came back everyone asked me how I was, except for him. That really hurt badly. During that play season people made really horrible remarks and wrote bad things on my stuff about me. Then as the year came to a close I really wanted our friendship back so I made numerous attempts to save our friendship. I told him I was sorry and even told him that I forgave him for trying to hurt me and ruin my reputation. It had no avail and we went several months w/o talking until this school year.

We had some minor conversations and we even laughed a little bit. But he's confused because he made it clear he didn't want to have anything to do with me but at times during class I'd catch him looking my way. And he even asked me did I hang out with my old girl who's a friend and I said yes and he was like I never see ya'll hanging out. I was like I didn't know you were paying attention.

It's like I want our friendship back because I invested so much energy and emotion into it and I truly loved him like a brother. But I don't want it back because I don't want that heartache again and I don't completely trust him. I don't know what to do.

Can somebody give me so good advice?

 

[looseliam]

There are many things that could cause him to react like this; I'm not going to speculate.

However, you've done all you can do. You are who you are and you shouldn't change for anyone but you.

It will be hard and may even hurt for a while, but you'll feel better. If he doesn't want to be your friend, isn't his loss?

 

[WYSIWYG]

I think you made your best efforts more than once to save your friendship and your love for him without getting anything positive back from him. I agree with looseliam. be yourself. Move on...yes it will hurt, but it sounds like you deserve better than what you got. If someone does not want to be your friend that is cool, but it is uncool to talk about you behind your back and hurt you and your reputation! There is only one of you and you will find someone who will love and respect you for being you...accept no less! Life is too short ot be hurt by anyone!

 

[Roland00]

He did things to hurt you, to make you feel less of yourself, and made you feel disqusting.

There are two explanations for this, he was never really your friend. Or he was messed up (for whatever reason). If he was never really your friend, then you shouldn't let him back in your life and move on. I know it hurts, but in the end its for the best.

If he is messed up, then he is messed up, and there is nothing you can do about it. None the less even if he is sorry now, he can still hurt you, and its obvious he caused you alot of pain and still does. You opened up to him, and showed him all your hurt in the past, how others have hurt you. And what he did was just continued the cycle of pain, the cycle of betrayal. People shouldn't hurt each other, and its your responsibility to ourselves to tell people that you are deserving of respect. If he doesn't understand this then stay away from him.

You don't need him to feel happy, though I understand the need to feel wanted and loved, especially for people you care about. He hasn't asked you to restart the friendship, nor has he appologized for his despicable behavior. Iloveronald you need to take care of yourself, to treat yourself with respect and love. Do not hang around any people who don't treat you with respect and love, for they are not worth it, and you aren't loving and respecting yourself when you do so. Until he has made moves to restore your friendship do not trust him, and do not allow yourself to be hurt, and even if he does appologize and want to restart your friendship be wary for he has hurt you in the past for he was messed up, and he can still do so in the future. You decide if you want him back or not (and only if he makes real moves to restore your friendship and appologizes for the shit he has done), if you allow him back be wary.

Okay?

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I agree whole-heartedly with Roland! It's he who should be apologising! No true friend would treat each other like shit which is exactly what he did to you. I have a feeling that he may have issues as he does sound like Jekyll and Hyde- first he was saying "I love you" and even comforted you about your past and then he goes round spreading malicious rumours about you, and then he starts becoming friendly to you.

I get the feeling that you'll never be happy under his hold and his unpredictable behaviour might hurt you more the more you try and befriend him.

 

[wentworth]

You need to move on. That is the danger of liking someone and thinking you can get away with "signals" and other superstitions.

"I love you" means just that and no more.

Get out of this situation now before you get hurt.

 

[Eagle653]

I think all of us have really fallen for someone, at some time, who was beyond our reach. It hurts like hell. In fact, I don't know any hurt like it.

His behavior could stem from many things. On the surface, I'd say he figured out (finally) that you had a crush on him and it unnerved him. He didn't know what it meant, how to react, but he knew he didn't like it and didn't want to recriprocate in kind. So, cutting to the chase, he drove you away so he wouldn't have to deal with your feelings for him anymore.

If you get even more analytical about it, I suppose one could guess that he is a heavily closeted gay himself, perhaps self-homophobic, and his hatred of his own gayness was taken out on you when he found out you were gay and had a crush on him. In this scenario, your affection struck too close to home and he freaked and drove you away in order to affirm (to himself) that he's "straight."

Who knows? If I had to bet, I'd bet on the first scenario over the second, but anything's possible.

I'm just sorry you went through this. Either way, he's made it clear he's off limits. Try your best to move on. Find someone who's gay and is willing to recriprocate the love you have for people.

 

[iloveronald]

Thank you guys it's so hard to get over him but I'm going to try my hardest...we spend a lot of time at school around each other and it's really awkward. I try to be strong and not let him get to me but there's a part of me that's really really vulnerable to him but I try to cover it up. I thank everyone for the advice, it really helped a lot

 

[looseliam]

Well, in those situations I find scotch takes the edge off, well, everything.

Hang in there, hun.

 

[iloveronald]

Update: At the beginning of one day last week he came up to me and he was like do you have a book we're supposed to read for class and he takes the same class an hour before me so I let him borrow it so he could bring it back to me when I was supposed to have it for a grade and he was like thank you so much and you're a lifesaver and he asked me what can he do for me and before I could think I burst out "can you be my friend again?" and he's like "I've always been your friend". It confused me because he had deal all these things to make me feel bad and hurt me but he was always my friend lol So I went on and a few hours later he was supposed to bring me my book but he didn't so I had to take a loss for the grade. Then the next hour he brought the book back and said he was sorry for it and he'd make it up to me. I'm like whatever. But anyways I don't trust him at all and I find myself sort of resenting him but I still care for him. I'm a conflicted person lol

 

[bma1983]

Move on. There comes a time in life when you realize there are certain people not worth having in your life. He doesn't sound like he's worth it.